Freedom from Attachment

You have probably heard some version of “what you think, you create.” Meaning your thoughts create your reality. If your love life feels like a train wreck (or any part of your life, really), this can be a scary idea. Are you creating the situation you don’t want by ruminating on negative thoughts? By constantly thinking there are no “good ones” out there, are you actually making it true? Well… ye...

Kristina Mand-Lakhiani was born in the Soviet Union where entrepreneurship was punishable by law and everyone was given the same “manual” for success. By the age of 40 she had an Instagrammable life with a husband, son and daughter, yet she became annoyed when people asked about her children or husband, as if she herself wasn’t important. Guilt followed because she had a great life and “shouldn’t...

You sure do have your act together. You look great, take care of yourself and project an air of confidence. Success has always been an important focus, and “slowing down” isn’t in your vocabulary. People may admire you and compliment your achievements, but there’s just one tiny little problem—you feel like an imposter. You’re afraid of people getting close to you because if they do, they might see...

Do you surround yourself with cool, successful or impressive people to feel like you embody those qualities by association? How many of those friends do you stay in touch with and make plans to get together while they put forth little-to-no effort? When you don’t feel valued, one way to fill that emptiness is to work hard at relationships that would probably fall apart without your effort. Your pa...

Did you grow up feeling you were too much, not enough, too nice, too cold, too sensitive, too shy, too annoying, too inquisitive or too ANYTHING? Basically, instead of being loved for your whole self, did you feel like you were simply tolerated? Maybe you wondered, throughout your life, if people even liked being around you because those too much/not enough beliefs were always with you. So, to mov...

You attract people exactly where you are. If you’re unavailable, you will attract someone who is unavailable. To attract open, you must BE open. People who are attracted to emotionally unavailable people are attached to UNREALISTIC outcomes, and their idea of a good partner is narrow—as in they need to fit the perfect picture. Maybe you want to meet someone so you don’t spend the holidays alone, p...

Guy Finley is a best-selling author of more than 45 books and audios on self-realization, including his newest release, “Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together” which explores the purpose of relationships. His journey began when he was 12 or 13 years old, upon hearing a voice whose message formed the path of his entire life. Since then he has experienced a series of blows to who he was and who he...

People think “selfish” is a dirty word, so there’s a lot of fear around it. They’ve had it beat into them that being selfish is bad, which leads to people-pleasing. When you succumb to people-pleasing, you’re constantly at the mercy of the rest of the world to validate you. You think if you don’t give to someone else or do what they want, you’re being selfish. And being selfish makes you feel guil...

If you can’t live without someone, and are knee-deep in soulmate territory where you need them to “complete” you, you are very likely stuck in attachment. You have a picture in your head of what you want your life to be and how you want to feel, so you’re trying to fit them into it, regardless of how things really are. So you push and pull, trying to mold them into what you want. Perhaps you cherr...

How often do you look for the enemy in your life? Whether it’s a partner who can’t commit, a condescending boss or an entitled rich person, labeling them as the bad guy can make you feel better about yourself. After all, if they are the bad guy, that makes you the good guy, right? And when you’re the good guy, you don’t need to do anything differently; the responsibility to change or be different...

You may think boundaries are set for the benefit of others, and get angry when they aren’t followed. But you probably go against your own boundaries all the time without realizing it. People take their cues from how you treat yourself, so if you’re upset about putting in extra effort despite expressing your need for help and you keep doing it, look at how you continue to pick up the slack. If your...

Go ahead, buy that car. You’re worth it. Your well-earned promotion will finally show people you have arrived. How do you measure your worth? Is it by what other people label as important, or what you feel inside? Will chasing money, fame and success make you feel worthy and valued? Of course not. Some of the most successful people in the world have an enormous sense of lack, believing more accola...

Your partner is a narcissist or an avoidant or emotionally unavailable… or some other label you have assigned to him/her. You’ve read up about how to deal with people like that, and have taken it upon yourself to fix them. You want to show them how they can be better, so you as a couple can be better. But why is it their responsibility to change? What about your role? Beating them up for your rela...

“I’m like Bewitched with a lot of vodka!” Meet psychic medium Marilyn Alauria. From the age of three she had psychic experiences, but she didn’t know that’s what they were. As a kid she was constantly told it was just her imagination and she was overly sensitive. Those messages, coupled with childhood abuse, led Marilyn to push her abilities aside. She turned to drinking and drugs in her early tee...

Someone makes an off-handed remark and you bristle. Or they criticize you and you go into full-blown defensive mode before you dissolve into a million pieces. Why does this happen? Why are you so sensitive to some things while others slide off your back? You react when there is some truth in what was said; a truth you don’t want to admit to yourself, let alone have it pointed out by another person...

The same dance happens all the time in unhealthy relationships between an anxious and an avoidant. The anxious struggles with self-value so they perform: see me, pay attention to me! This neediness causes the avoidant to run. But then, when the avoidant is away, they miss their anxious partner. They want to feel that “closeness” again so the avoidant returns and the whole cycle goes on repeat with...

You just said something that pissed off your partner. But geez, you were only joking. Then your friend asked for your opinion about what they were wearing, and was hurt by what you said. It seems like you’re always stepping on landmines, then constantly defending what you said or going on damage control. Should you be honest or not? Why is everyone so damn sensitive? Maybe it’s not them. When you...

Insecure attachment issues are very painful. Some may be familiar with John Bowlby’s attachment theory on childhood development. I talked about these in Podcast #63: Your Attachment Style, and encourage you to listen to it for an overview. Here I take the Anxious/Avoidant style a step further. Based on my own experience, and talking with hundreds of clients, the supposedly rare style of an Avoidan...

From a small village in Holland to the international modeling scene, Jill de Jong led an adventurous but exhausting life. At 17 she moved to Milan, working long days and sleeping on planes. After four years of missed birthdays and weddings, she tried to settle down and leave modeling, but restlessness bubbled up. She moved to NY with her husband where modeling continued taking a toll on her physic...

Are you a unicorn hunter, chasing some magical fantasy as the answer to your problems? When you find your perfect mate, when you write your best-selling book, when you win the lottery. You think your unicorn is waiting for you “out there” somewhere, but it never appears because what you’re really searching for is what you lack inside: value, worthiness, acceptance, love, validation. You’re disconn...

In your sphere of relationships—partner, friend, colleague, family, acquaintance, etc.—how do you show up? Are you trying to fit in, be liked or be respected? Do you want to be thought of as nice, smart, strong, reliable and/or helpful? And to achieve those objectives, do you act differently with different people? You might perform the way you think somebody wants you to without even realizing it....

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change? Deciding you hav...

The people in your life have heard you complain about the same problem over and over. It’s your relationship or your job or your money issues—whatever it is, you’re a victim. It’s someone else’s fault. You say you want to solve the problem, but you won’t “go there.” If someone tries to dig a little deeper to get to the root of it (a friend, a therapist, a coach, a partner), you get defensive. You’...

Does this conversation sound familiar to you? “So-and-so is mad at me.” “Oh really, did she say she was mad at you?” “No, I can just tell.” Or what about this one? “So-and-so doesn’t want to hang out anymore.” “Oh really, why do you think that?” “Because he found someone else to spend time with so he doesn’t need me anymore.” Ah, assuming. You get to feel self-righteous by making someone else the...

Joel Primus is an author, speaker, filmmaker and serial entrepreneur. His first success, however, was as a runner, representing Canada at the World Youth Games. His identity as a runner was everything—then he blew up his achilles and that life was over. Trying to fill a void, he hitchhiked across Canada to make a movie—until his camera fell off a cliff. Third time’s a charm? While traveling in Per...