Fragmented to Whole: Life Lessons from 12 Step Recovery

Send us Fan Mail Gail Ferguson Jones is a recovering codependent and host of the podcast "The Buttrfly Effect" (no "e"), which is for families of addicts. She shares her experience having grown up with multiple generations of alcoholism and being married to an alcoholic.  Gail dropped all kinds of pearls of wisdom on this show. Here are just a few gems. “This is why [codependen...

Send us Fan Mail Most of us in recovery fear abandonment, yet ironically, most of us abandon ourselves. We do this because of the chaos and dysfunction with which we grew up. The key is to stop abandoning yourself, which essentially means to learn how to take good care of yourself. This is the essence of what recovery is - learning to take good care of ourselves. I go into a couple of examples of...

Send us Fan Mail Your integrity is impacted by your motives because our motives guide our behavior. We may THINK we're doing something to be nice, when in fact we're doing it to manipulate. This shatters our integrity because our intentions are not pure - we're not living up to the spiritual principles we may think we are (like being kind and good). It's also important to consi...

Send us Fan Mail There are several means by which 12-step recovery programs impose boundaries on us. These include the Serenity Prayer, program slogans, several common meeting practices, as well as seven of the 12 Traditions. By having these healthy boundaries imposed from the outside first, we learn to form healthy boundaries of our from inside. The episode I referred to on boundaries of self-con...

Send us Fan Mail People who have been victimized don't necessarily take on the mentality of victimhood. That is, they've been through something, but they don't always take on the identity of being a victim. Victims perceive themselves as not having choices. Victimization is about a situation; victimhood is an identity.  The way to overcome this mentality is to first see that you hav...

Send us Fan Mail The universe is FOR you, not against you. There is wisdom in the universe beyond your understanding. When things pop up that feel like they're obstacles on your path, they're really just detours. If you think back over your life you'll see that to be true. Why wait to gain the perspective of time to realize that what you thought was an obstacle was really a detour? ...

Send us Fan Mail Hear my story of uncovering a fear that I could feel bubbling up like a pressure cooker. I managed that fear by telling the truth - and I didn't die! (not kidding!). My pattern of dishonesty over the years reared it's ugly head. Not giving into that fear and being honest about it reinforced my integrity, which means it reinforced my wholeness. The same is true for you -...

Send us Fan Mail Most people in recovery have or have had lives filled with chaos on dysfunction. When we're surrounded by chaos, we're frequently "activated" as if on alert, which means it's hard to think clearly. One of the ways our thinking gets distorted is that we see things only in stark contrast - like the stark contrast between the colors black and white. In order...

Send us Fan Mail Codependence is a focus outside the self. This happens because when we're in fight or flight mode, we're not able to access the "human" part of our brain. That part of our brain is where our "self" is formed. Setting healthy boundaries is the best way to keep the focus on yourself to get over your codependence. You'll also hear the top two myths...

Send us Fan Mail Many of us have been sabotaging the things we want in our lives. This is often outside our awareness so we blame others for making this happen. I blamed untrustworthy people for being untrustworthy, when it was me who was trusting them! If this is a pattern of yours, this episode should help you see that and learn how to change that pattern. Here's the link to my 12 Week Grou...

Send us Fan Mail In celebration of the 100th episode of my podcast, I've invited a variety of people to share their voices, music and poetry. I also shared 3 of my most important (brief) recovery readings, and a story about how the desire to record a podcast was planted in me decades before podcasts even existed! Join us for the this panel of 4 people in recovery, 2 of whom are BIPOC individu...

Send us Fan Mail To the outer world, impact is what matters. People don't care if you have the best of intentions if your impact is bad. They also often done care if your intentions are bad but your impact is positive. But YOU should care, because your intentions impact YOU, regardless of the outcome in the external world. That is, if you have negative intentions, it impacts your integrity, e...

Send us Fan Mail When I'm trying to decide if something is the right thing to do or whether something is healthy for me, I ask myself,  " Is this serving me? " and " What are my motives? " These two question help me ensure that I'm living my life by my spiritual principles, and that I'm not manipulating others and my motives are pure. If you want details, listen...

Send us Fan Mail I share all the ways in which recovery has enabled me to end the drama and stress of my life and live with ease. Using the example of renewing my driver's license, I lay out the series of ways in which I live on purpose (and you can too!!):   * putting money away for "unexpected" expenses * planning a buffer of time to get to appointments * filling up my gas tank as...

Send us Fan Mail When we're in fear of missing out, we're focused on others, not on ourselves. It's impossible to have a well-lived life when we're not focused on ourselves. Yet we abandon ourselves by indulging in FOMO and comparing ourselves to others. This episode makes the case that keeping the focus on yourself is imperative if you want to be happy, joyous and free. If you...

Send us Fan Mail If you're anything like I was before recovery, you were (or maybe still are) unable to be honest much of time. Some of that dishonesty has to do with not trusting others. If you grew up in a chaotic or unsafe environment, that makes sense. Lying was self protective. However, now that we're adults and can choose who we surround ourselves with, it's easier to be aroun...

Send us Fan Mail It's a paradox that the more we let go, the stronger our boundaries become. This is because controlling others is impossible, but controlling ourselves is not. When we are focused on others and situations out of our control, we become fixated on our desired outcome and have no choices. When we let go, we focus on ourselves (which is what we CAN control) and a whole universe o...

Send us Fan Mail Breathing deeply and engaging your senses are the best way to get into the present moment when you're triggered. When you do that, you're fully in your body in the here and now. You're not in the past when you were little or when that traumatic thing happened. I walk you through two different ways to engage your senses so you can get out of being triggered the next...

Send us Fan Mail Living with a sense of urgency 24/7 is not something everyone feels. If you feel a sense of urgency at all times, like I did before recovery, I want you to know that it's possible to stop living like that. Living with a sense of urgency all the time may be an indicator that your life is unmanageable. If that's you, then this episode will help you get over it so you can r...

Send us Fan Mail In this episode I make the distinction between things that are uncomfortable that we've learned to put up with, especially if we grew up in chaos - and things that are uncomfortable because they're new. I called this "bad" discomfort and "good" discomfort. The way to know which is which is to ask yourself - if you were to prolong the discomfort, what...

Send us Fan Mail I share how I blamed others and the world for my difficulties before recovery, but I didn't even know I was doing that! You'll hear about the connection between self-pity, blame and victim mentality, as well as how to get out of it. Taking responsibility for your little corner of the world is what you'll need to do. Remember - the Serenity Prayer guides us to seek t...

Send us Fan Mail Being whole means I'm no longer afraid to share the real me with others, I'm not hiding behind any facades any longer. In this episode I talk about all the various things that have contributed to my wholeness, including loving myself and setting boundaries. I also talk about how wholeness doesn't mean bad things never happen, they do. It's just that they no lon...

Send us Fan Mail I thought anonymity was about avoiding the stigma of being in 12 step recovery. It's really about humility, which is what allows us to be teachable. When we are humble, we understand we're no better and no worse than anyone else. It's also about ensuring that each one of us has only one voice, and no one speaks for any particular fellowship (whether inside the rooms...

Send us Fan Mail We can have all the expectations of the world that we want, but we'll likely be pissed off a lot if we do! This episode specifically addresses the issue of fairness, but the same principle could apply to any value you hold dearly. The idea is that, instead of getting pissed off that things are not the way you think they should be, work toward creating those conditions. One of...

Send us Fan Mail If you've been hiding behind various facades or masks and acting as if you like things you don't, or that you're comfortable with things you're not - that's not integrity. Being emotionally available requires vulnerability, which is not possible if you don't have integrity (i.e., if your foundation is cracked). Emotionally available people are attract...