Four Guys on a Train

Do you want to slam? If so, then welcome to the jam. The gentlemen welcome a new legacy of basketball-themed entertainment, mash together the denizens of a duo of disparate animated properties in Earotica, and spend a little time thinking about what they would rather.

Is something about to bust? Praise God, you bet it is! The gentlemen propose an end to children having Christmas birthdays with a simple suggestion for parents-to-be, bring the Prince of Darkness a quintet of queries from the mouths of babes, and take a sexy quiz to learn whether they are lovers… or fighters (or another thing).

How can something be too much 90s and not enough 90s, all at once? Your guess is as good as ours! The gentlemen return to the lengthy format that made them world famous, tackling issues from petty theft to fake news, along with a nonsensical dive into a new segment, wherein one’s adventures are chosen and one’s patience for lazy writing is put to the test.

The boys experiment with an all-new segment, exploring the very best of what everyone’s primo pal Craig has to offer the world.

The boys concoct a culinary chronicle in a brand new Earotica, filled with twists, turns, and pretty decent impressions if they do say so themselves.

Ghostrighter returns to help the boys create the new television sensation that ALL the kids will be talking about.

Who likes shorties? We do! The boys bring you a nugget of joy in the form of an all-new Modern Day Poets, while they spend the rest of their time doing big, important things (sources needed).

If you do a thing unto others, should others do that same thing unto you? If Rainn Wilson has anything to say about it, then yes! The gentlemen ponder the most golden of rules and how it applies to the modern phenomenon of ghosting, travel back to the Jurassic Period to spare no expense with The Pitchmen, and then try to keep it G-rated while discovering which of the National Parks they'd most lik...

If the pervert is penniless, is he exempt from donating dollars? No, he is not! The gentlemen discuss one among their number who drank himself into the ER (it was Branden), round up some tweeting rascals with another exciting installment of Twitter Bandits, and delve deep into the hottest new way to make Millennials feel old, the meaning of the word cheugy.

Are you sure you’re old enough to be listening to this trash? Sure you are! The gentlemen are joined by their friend Jake to gossip about their big post-COVID plans, bring in yet ANOTHER special guest for the Earotica crossover event of the century, and play an R-rated game of Would You Rather with those fun-lovin’ horntoads at Buzzfeed.

Do all good hosts provide artisanal sandwiches on demand for their guests? Of course they do. The gentlemen attempt to one-up each other by bragging on their mothers’ technological prowess (leading to a discussion of the Korean art of mukbang), find themselves forced by network executives to give a sitcom platform to internet troll Elon Musk in a new Ghostrighter, and chase some BDE in a titillati...

If you were a pizza, what pizza would you be? No wrong answers! The gentlemen bemoan the inverse relation of cacao percentage to morsel flavorfulness, send up a classic Christian cartoony tune in a new Modern Day Poets, then grab the pigskin and hit the field for some rough-and-tumble American football trivia.

Are you a Peeping Tom if you don't own a pair of binoculars? Legally, no! The gentlemen ponder the most interesting human-sized board games to participate in, bring on friend-of-the-show Ol’ Scratch to intercept more children’s letters to God, and use science to determine which horrifying animals they are destined to be.

I stepped on a Mousetrap, am I in Trouble? Monopo-lease call an ambulance! The gentlemen delve into the depths of dapper Pete’s most holy trousers, learn the startling origins of a much-beloved video game super star in a new Earotica, and are forced to choose their OWN adventure in a thrilling story-game of love, lust, and lascivious-sounding names.

Are your tokens fungible? Let’s hope so! The gentlemen discuss the cryptocurrency craze, tread through the uncanny valley with some Pitchmen shenanigans, and get rated M for Mature, R for Restricted, and TV-MA for Television… Mature with a sexy jaunt through the coitus-crazed cranium of a Cosmo quiz creator.

Is the COVID vaccine supposed to beep? Depending on the brand, maybe! The gentlemen lament Branden’s loss of a beloved morning ritual, rustle up the Twitter Bandits to decipher an inscrutable Angry Birds meme, and learn important facts that could save their lives from some classic characters in an all-new Earotica Mini™.

Did we dream you into life? Probably not! The gentlemen discuss the relative merits of “rolling coal and flapping pole” and find out how their pal Satan feels about a recent musical tribute, fill up their shopping carts with secret sweatshorts at The Drew House in a new Modern Day Poets, and determine who has, objectively, the best personality.

Who is the fourth guy? We’ll never tell (winky face)! The gentlemen compare their darling family and friends’ kids to the horrifying Neanderthal children out there, enter a world of existential horror while writing a sitcom with Ghostrighter, and lie their way through the movie game, with hilarious results!

Is it illegal to order a hotdog with ketchup? You bet your butt! The gentlemen discuss street slang and hug strategies, fly with the birds into some truly twisted tweets, and attempt to quantify the relative quality of the great TV shows of our childhood.

Does a back still itch if no one’s around to scratch it? Most definitely! The gentlemen rage over the rebooting of pop culture staples from their childhoods, welcome back special guest Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, to answer some “burning” fan questions (get it, because he is from Hell), and once more plumb the depths of Buzz’s feed to learn their new, food-oriented nicknames.

Will Conservatives give themselves hernias over these new, gender-neutral toys? Probably! The gentlemen lament the loss of a famed (robotic?) music duo, get preachy with an all-new Earotica (featuring special guest!), and play a scandalous round of Truth or Dare where secrets are revealed (no Dares allowed, as they don’t make great radio)!

Is this the week things get back to normal after all the celebrations? You bet! The gentlemen compare a classic game show’s horniness level to its modern incarnation’s, debate the merits of a car that’s compensating for something, and meet the Gamester, a cheerful rogue who simply wants to play a game.

It’s finally happened: The first-ever podcast to reach the illustrious 10-episode milestone! Celebrate with the gentlemen as they reflect on nine weeks of wonder and look forward to future, groundbreaking milestones.

Will technical and/or intestinal problems get in the way of our intrepid trio? Mostly no! The gentlemen learn some startling news about a storied Chicago institution, discover the hidden, twisted meaning within a classic rock anthem, and get some darn culture in this darn show for the first darn time with a high-class Earotica.

Is it more artistic to sing American pop songs in a Russian accent? Yes, it is! The gentlemen lament their slow descent into COVID madness, welcome their first guest to the podcast and, with his illustrious help, tackle a spicy new Earotica, and hypothesize about what, in fact, they would rather.