Flying Free

How do you feel about accountability? Like it, love it, want some more of it? Or maybe it’s like medicine to you — icky but necessary. Hold on to your booty, cause I’ve got an opinion on it too.  I think it’s a made-up practice that got a “virtue” sticker slapped on it. I think it arrests our development into emotional adulthood. In fact, I’d say accountability does more harm than good.  And it ca...

Surprise! Abusers never want the same thing as their victims. Why should divorce be any different? Shocking! Abusers never want their “property” to start acting like a person and hightail it out of Dodge (“Dodge” being the marriage. Okay, you get it.) Spoiler alert! You get to make your own decisions because you’re a grown woman. What? Yes, it’s true. Divorce isn’t a magic toilet that flushes all...

Imagine a mother who stares at her baby.. She won’t smile. Won’t look it in the eye. Doesn’t react when it holds its arms out to be held. Refuses to comfort it when it cries. The baby screams and sobs. The mother won’t move.  Now multiply that cruelty across each thousands of days. Switch the mother for a husband. Change the baby to a wife.  Other people may throw out the “But does he hit you?” st...

“I feel like a massive failure as a Christian and a mom. Like a puppet—and he’s pulling the strings.”   Too many women finally muster up the courage to leave their abusive husbands and face an even more painful betrayal: Their exes turn their own children against them. Lying, manipulating, bribing, even using threats in order to get the kids on their side.    It’s sickening. And it can feel like t...

For women escaping emotionally abusive husbands, divorce often feels like a scarlet “A” on their chest. Or “D.” They wonder if they’ll be marked for life.  And worse, they fear how their kids will suffer the consequences.  First, because they lived in a home of chaos and pain and trauma. Second, because they’ll have to face the assumptions and judgment of other people. A “broken” family. A single-...

“I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this,” she said. “You expect harm from people who only harm you. From him. Not the ones who know you, who grew up with you, who you went to church with.”  Do you know the pain of rejection by your family, friends, and church? I do. I’ve lost entire nights of sleep swimming in that pain. It’s mind-numbing. Excruciating.  A listener told me that after being rejecte...

As terrible as being married to an abuser is, there’s something worse. It’s getting free from your abuser, then getting remarried to another one.  For a lot of survivors, that’s their worst fear.  Can they trust themselves to identify red flags when they were taught to dismiss them for so long? Will they be able to see past the BS if a potential suitor is slick and smooth but a turd of a guy under...

Bonus episode (because this is important!) With Tina Swithin' s permission, I am sharing an article she wrote on her website here about why it's imperative that we do not use the word "alienation" in our court cases. Please head over to her article, Please Stop Saying Alienation , to access the links mentioned in this podcast episode. If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotio...

Is there poison in your home? No, I don’t mean rat poison or toxic chemicals or asbestos. It’s words. On pages. In a book. One that’s given as a wedding gift. When times are tough. When you’re desperate. When you’ve run out of ideas and options to help your marriage and somebody gives you 336 pages of “hope.” The poison is the answer ringing from every page of this book. You were, as Debi Pearl pu...

Life after abuse can feel like you’re just spinning your wheels. You struggle with the same things. The same thoughts. The same downward spirals. Over and over and over.   Flying Free is all about breaking out of harmful cycles, in and after abusive relationships. If you want to see this in action, Amie is a poster child for life beyond abuse: healing, thriving, and constantly growing.    Our disc...

“I’ve got to share this with as many people as possible.” That’s what I decided when Amie showed me her thought work from Flying Higher.  What the heck is “thought work”? Well, I’ll answer your question with a question. How often do you have the same thoughts? You know, the crappy ones. “Nothing will ever change. If I could just get him to see how much he’s hurting me. I have to wait for God to mo...

“I would keep the peace or create peace at any cost. And a lot of the time, the cost was myself.” Amie searched for love her entire life. But all she found were unsafe people. And all she learned was that love demanded everything and gave nothing but pain in return.  Despite this, Amie is a poster child for what’s possible after a life of abuse . She’s flourished in Flying Free and Flying Higher,...

What do love, hate, and pain have in common? Believe it or not: Being super ticked off. Anger. I’m serious as a heart attack. Anger stems from either love, hate, or pain. Which means there are some pretty legitimate and useful reasons to be mad. As well as some that are just nasty or unhelpful.  So if you’ve been taught that anger is ungodly, wrong, or always a sign of bitterness, I suggest two th...

“Don’t try and church it up.”  Ever heard that piece of advice? It hits the crux of this episode right in the nethers: biblical manhood and biblical womanhood.  Author Aimee Bird offered a more refined and relevant version: “Just because you put the word ‘biblical’ in front of it doesn’t make it so. It’s not an adjective.” If you’re listening to this podcast, I’d bet my milk money you've heard the...

Did you know some people used to use the Bible to support slavery? They would tell slaves that it was God’s will. Want to guess who those people were?   Huge surprise: slave owners. It can be terrifying to have someone throw the book—the literal Bible—at you. But you know the saying “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire?” Well, in this case, “Where there’s confusion, there’s crap.” The kind of crap p...

Do you wonder how he did it? How your abuser tricked you and blindfolded your church? How he just keeps coming out on top, despite all the evidence pointing to what a sick, twisted, evil person he is? Abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It always involves the community. In this case: the church. Wade Mullen staked his Ph. D. on the study of the hidden tactics of abuse, especially spiritual abuse wit...

“This was the big whammy… My whole life had been centered around pleasing the abusive person…trying to meet their ever-changing expectations…I really didn’t know who I was anymore.” Art therapist Jennifer Kramer practices what she paints. She’s a survivor of narcissistic abuse and now teaches an art therapy process she developed during her recovery.  She discovered that the most powerful part of a...

Abusers who leave a relationship are as rare as steak tartare.  In fact, waiting for an abuser to leave is similar to waiting for them to change. Or asking for a hippopotamus for Christmas. Riding a unicorn. Losing weight on a cake-only diet. Not likely. If abusers are so unhappy with their victims, why don’t they leave first? Because staying fits within the point of abuse: to control you. And unl...

Imagine two terminally ill children. Both are given three months to live. For one, there’s nothing doctors can do—death is certain. The disease is incurable and untreatable.  For the second, there’s a life-saving treatment available. If it isn’t taken, the next three months will be a slow, excruciating crawl toward the end. If the treatment is started as soon as possible, the child will live and—w...

It’s a thief. Abuse robs us of the truth about ourselves. Abuse steals our sense of safety. Abuse consumes our time and energy. And when we’re overwhelmed by all that abuse has taken from us, we can’t focus on the future or growth or discovery—the things that feed our soul and nurture our lives. So how do we find that little girl full of dreams again? How do we connect to the young woman who had s...

The thought of contacting a lawyer made her sick. To live through her abusive marriage was hard enough. Would she have to bare all the details of her twisted reality to someone…and pay them for it? Where would she get the money for that, especially since her husband was hiding his paychecks?  Is your story anything like this?   I get the hesitation. The fear, the dread, and disgust. Bringing someb...

I have a confession.  I’m a recovering asshole.  Years ago, I had a friend. Her husband cheated on her. Then, he did it again. He kept cheating on her. He wasn’t sorry.  Do you know what I told her to do? Stay with him. Pray and stay. Worse, I was proud to tell her this advice. Because I was God’s girl scout, and I knew best.  Now, I can easily imagine the grief and further pain my words and assum...

You’re not a toaster.  No matter what you've been taught by religious leaders, you’re not a thing to be used. No matter what you’ve been told by your husband, you’re not an appliance to be owned. No matter what you’ve come to believe about yourself, you’re not property — at the mercy of a spouse who wants toast on demand.  If you've found yourself tormented over how you’re treated in your marriage...

"He wants to treat me better. He just doesn’t know how." "He says he’s sorry. He really hates how he acts." "He’s struggling. He can’t help it." Do you have these thoughts about your husband? Have these thoughts led to anything good? More peace? Change (on his part)? Hope that lasts? A better marriage? A never-ending bucket of fried chicken? Didn’t think so.  I have some other thoughts to offer. Y...

I have two presents for you. One is a regift. The other is brand-spanking, hot-off-the-waffle-press new.  First, I compiled some of the best (and by “best” I mean absolute trash and worst) things people say to Christian women in abusive marriages when they seek help or divorce.  Second, I’m giving you a comeback. A burn-it-to-the-ground, shred-it-to-cheddar-cheese, drop-the-mic, break-the-wrist-an...