Flying Free

“This was the big whammy… My whole life had been centered around pleasing the abusive person…trying to meet their ever-changing expectations…I really didn’t know who I was anymore.” Art therapist Jennifer Kramer practices what she paints. She’s a survivor of narcissistic abuse and now teaches an art therapy process she developed during her recovery.  She discovered that the most powerful part of a...

Abusers who leave a relationship are as rare as steak tartare.  In fact, waiting for an abuser to leave is similar to waiting for them to change. Or asking for a hippopotamus for Christmas. Riding a unicorn. Losing weight on a cake-only diet. Not likely. If abusers are so unhappy with their victims, why don’t they leave first? Because staying fits within the point of abuse: to control you. And unl...

Imagine two terminally ill children. Both are given three months to live. For one, there’s nothing doctors can do—death is certain. The disease is incurable and untreatable.  For the second, there’s a life-saving treatment available. If it isn’t taken, the next three months will be a slow, excruciating crawl toward the end. If the treatment is started as soon as possible, the child will live and—w...

It’s a thief. Abuse robs us of the truth about ourselves. Abuse steals our sense of safety. Abuse consumes our time and energy. And when we’re overwhelmed by all that abuse has taken from us, we can’t focus on the future or growth or discovery—the things that feed our soul and nurture our lives. So how do we find that little girl full of dreams again? How do we connect to the young woman who had s...

The thought of contacting a lawyer made her sick. To live through her abusive marriage was hard enough. Would she have to bare all the details of her twisted reality to someone…and pay them for it? Where would she get the money for that, especially since her husband was hiding his paychecks?  Is your story anything like this?   I get the hesitation. The fear, the dread, and disgust. Bringing someb...

I have a confession.  I’m a recovering asshole.  Years ago, I had a friend. Her husband cheated on her. Then, he did it again. He kept cheating on her. He wasn’t sorry.  Do you know what I told her to do? Stay with him. Pray and stay. Worse, I was proud to tell her this advice. Because I was God’s girl scout, and I knew best.  Now, I can easily imagine the grief and further pain my words and assum...

You’re not a toaster.  No matter what you've been taught by religious leaders, you’re not a thing to be used. No matter what you’ve been told by your husband, you’re not an appliance to be owned. No matter what you’ve come to believe about yourself, you’re not property — at the mercy of a spouse who wants toast on demand.  If you've found yourself tormented over how you’re treated in your marriage...

"He wants to treat me better. He just doesn’t know how." "He says he’s sorry. He really hates how he acts." "He’s struggling. He can’t help it." Do you have these thoughts about your husband? Have these thoughts led to anything good? More peace? Change (on his part)? Hope that lasts? A better marriage? A never-ending bucket of fried chicken? Didn’t think so.  I have some other thoughts to offer. Y...

I have two presents for you. One is a regift. The other is brand-spanking, hot-off-the-waffle-press new.  First, I compiled some of the best (and by “best” I mean absolute trash and worst) things people say to Christian women in abusive marriages when they seek help or divorce.  Second, I’m giving you a comeback. A burn-it-to-the-ground, shred-it-to-cheddar-cheese, drop-the-mic, break-the-wrist-an...

If you break abuse down to the nitty-gritty, at its heart is something called “emotional childhood.” Abusers think everybody should make their life work. Everyone should cater to their whims. Everybody is responsible for their emotions. For fixing them, moment by moment. They shouldn’t have to do anything. Like a stunted emotional child.  If you’re a wife in this situation, you come to believe tha...

It’s hammer time. I’ve broken down the problems churches face when abuse victims come forward (along with how churches usually react). Then, I smash through the fallacies their hurtful behavior is constructed on. Finally, I provide the building blocks of how to respond to abuse like Jesus did, so the church can be a tool of healing instead of just…tools.   Cause there’s no point in demoing a build...

Is the last thing you googled, “Am I crazy?” or “Why does my husband hate me?” or the literal title of this episode?  Bleh. Living in such horrible, constant confusion can make us obsessive. Not crazy obsessive. The “desperate for answers” kind. The “I’m living in purgatory and I hate it!” kind. The “Is it me even though I’m trying so hard?” kind.  If you’re looking for a fixed point of reference—...

“How Not to Be a Meanie” doesn’t hit the same, does it? “How Not to Act Out Patriarchal Theology, AKA ‘A Chocolate-Covered Turd’” is probably too long. And Andrew Bauman wants to get the attention of men who have bought into domination and called it love, and control and called it protection. The men who feel entitled to women’s bodies and minds and service, all in the name of God. Asses.  How doe...

This may be controversial for some of my audience. Twenty years ago, I may have unsubscribed, not understanding what this was actually about.  What IS this about? It’s about Who God is. It’s about representing Him well. That’s what Jesus did, and that is our calling, as Christians.  This is about the way we view God and how our view impacts the way we live our lives. We either honor the truth abou...

Did you know that abuse has a bestie? Its sneaky little friend is Shame. Shame is a talkative fellow but very dependable.  He hangs on your earlobes and yells:  “You’re not perfect, so you can’t point out your husband’s faults.” “You yelled back, so you expect him to stop.” “You pull away emotionally, so you can’t get angry when he stonewalls.” “You hit him after he hit you, so you deserved it.” “...

Imagine a world where women are property . Where they have no rights — not even to defend themselves against abuse or to claim ownership over their minds…to declare, for instance, that they are not insane. That they shouldn’t be held prisoner in an insane asylum because they disagreed with their husband.  That horrifying world you imagined? You're living in it.   Of the countless women who’ve gone...

The only reason I’m where I am today — divorced from an abusive husband, healed, remarried to a good man, helping others, and thriving — is because of one simple tool. I share it in Flying Free and Flying Higher , my online coaching, education, and support communities that are worth their weight in fat-melting chocolate (please science, make this real).  Today, I'm sharing the best thing I have. ...

It’s a beautiful sight, isn’t it? A grown man throwing a tantrum. Stomping around, calling you names, slamming doors.  Hits you right in the feels, eh?  Or maybe he’s the quiet type of mean. Stonewalling. Sleeping for days. Leaving for hours without warning. However a husband’s jerky behavior manifests, most Christian wives are taught to respond the same ways: Assume you’re the problem. Feel shame...

“He doesn’t even have to be kind. I just wish he wouldn’t make every waking moment a nightmare. What else can I do?” she said into the phone. “I don’t know,” her sister said. “You’ve done counseling. And prayed. Asked pastors for help. Read books. Been quiet. Spoken up. Given more sex. You’ve borne the consequences of all his poor choices. You’ve pushed your health to the brink to serve him. For y...

Hit it with a hammer. Done.  If only it were that easy.  In reality, the cycle of emotional and spiritual abuse feels like a freight train rushing down the tracks of your everyday. An unstoppable force. And if you stand in its way, you’ll be run down. A sad little pancake beholden to the destructive patterns you’ve existed in since…who knows when.  My dear. You forgot about two things. First: You...

Are you confused over whether you have legitimate grounds for divorce? How should you respond to people who claim you’re cynical and oversensitive when you try to speak against emotional and spiritual abuse? What’s the best way to handle family members, especially children, who think you’re the bad guy in your abusive marriage? What if you’re separated but you just aren’t ready to divorce…and the...

Is your husband great at playing dress up?  One moment, usually in public, he speaks sweetly, cuddles the baby, and prays over your family. The next moment, usually in the privacy of your home, he glares at you, yells in disgust, and gives you the silent treatment.  He’s the sun and a raging storm.  He’s heaven and hell. He’s…? How do you figure out reality? How do you come to terms with the oil a...

Feeling like a moldy lemon?  Maybe you’re just an onion. If you've escaped the horror of a destructive relationship, but you still feel numb, anxious, depressed, and like a steaming hot mess...it's easy to believe that “being jacked up” is the new normal. And your whole identity. It’s not. In fact, what you're searching for is closer than you can believe: You're still a whole person. Your true sel...

There’s a reason why people say all abuse is physical abuse. Emotional abuse is a double whammy, destroying your mind and your body.  Long after the abuse stops, you’re still dealing with the fallout.  It can feel like your body has failed you. Like you’re permanently broken. It can feel hopeless and frustrating.  So how do you regain your health and fitness in the aftermath of abuse?  Kylar has a...

What’s it like to experience divorce as a kid? You’ve heard from me. You’ve heard from experts. You’ve heard from survivors.  What about the young ones caught in the throes of things they don’t understand. The ones who only know that Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and life, will never be the same again.  Divorce through the eyes of a teen…my own daughter.  This episode is a spotlight on: A honest re...