Fire the Canon

We have great news this week - for one, we made it through another 7 days in the hellscape that is life in the 21st century, even though the Death Plume is slowly creeping toward Jackie's house. For another, much more significantly, Bekah got a new mic, which makes our first episode covering William Shakespeare's 'Twelfth Night' that much more enjoyable! We bring the early 17th century right here...

We wrap up the ridiculously child-inappropriate children's story of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi. Host Rachel says it best when she sums it up thusly: sometimes barely anything happens, and sometimes way too much happens. Ain't that just the way? If you, like Bekah, enjoy cruelty towards puppets, you'll enjoy this episode. Rachel is pretty sure some puppets are gay. Bekah is open to ghosts. Jackie b...

You know how Rachel's cousin Megan has a mega crush on Jiminy Cricket? Well, now you do. We brought her on to explain herself. Join our Patreon to access the full episode, and other bonuses! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Today, we discuss that seminal work of puppet literature, Pinocchio!  Written by Carlo Collodi in the early 1880s, this is a very, very strange book.  It’s never been faithfully adapted to film, for reasons you’re about to discover.  Also: you’re supposed to learn a lesson, in case you didn’t notice.  We certainly didn’t!  Topics include: nepotism, Jackie’s “British” accent, Year is Odd: Wrath of...

We're saying goodbye to Theo as our producer and regular feature of the show, but don't worry - we haven't seen the last of him. He'll be back for various special episodes in the future. In the meantime, we hope you'll stick with Jackie and Rachel - we love you, and have a lot planned! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

The gang is back for the second half of the most absolutely whackadoodle Christmas story ever written. Sure, in episode 1 all that happened was we met some cute people who prepared for a luncheon, but now we’re looking at murder, mystery, and men with wigs - not to mention an absolute f*ckton of fairies. Rachel is granted a miracle, but wastes it. Jackie has high standards for rain. Theo hatches a...

After a nice long fall break, we’re back atcha with the third of Dickens’ five Christmas stories! This week we cover the first half of The Cricket on the Hearth: A Fairy Tale of Home. For having such a cute title, this story is surprisingly off the chain and makes us wonder, not for the first time, what Charlie D was smoking on those long nighttime walks of his. Rachel is a good tipper, despite ow...

Boy oh boy, do we have a special episode for you!  Today, in a vibes-based episode, we will be discussing the Moomins, amazing creatures created by Finnish writer/artist/anti-fascist Tove Jansson.  These days, you can find the Moomins in TV, anime, movies, books, comics, and represented on basically every type of merch.  We watched “Spring in Moomin Valley,” the first episode of the 1990 Moomin TV...

Happy belated Halloween, and welcome to Bump Patrol #3 - Monster Blood! We read and enjoy and ponder over RL Stine’s rollicking 1992 monsterpiece. Stay spooky! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Oh look, our 101th episode! In celebration, we kind of just continued doing our thing. It’s what we do best. We give a mini Stoker bio and wrap up the final 9 chapters of Dracula, and things get gayer and gayer. Rachel won’t stop ringing her own bell. Theo revels in life post-sexual awakening. Jackie finally takes control, to disastrous effect. Topics include: child brains, staging a play for copy...

Mwahahahaha, welcome to part 2 of our miniseries on Bram Stoker’s Dracula!  This week we cover chapters 10-18 of that classic Gothic horror novel.  Our team of hunters is uniting, blood is being consumed, and vampires are being staked.  Who will survive to the end of the book?!  Theo reaches nirvana, which is bad for the pod.  Jackie refuses to disclose her latitude and longitude.  Rachel finds a...

Velcome, velcome, velcome to part one of Dracula. Possibly the most famous Gothic horror novel of all time, Bram Stoker’s masterpiece is, for the uninitiated at least, a surprisingly complex read full of uncomfortable yet strangely compelling eroticism! We cover chapters 1-9 and tell our weekly stories. Theo has no idea how he’s supposed to edit this. Jackie meets a new friend and promptly throws...

This week we speak to Michael Kellermeyer, proprietor of Oldstyle Tales Press (www.oldstyletales.com), about what seems to be his favorite thing in the world - the works of Washington Irving.  Michael is a former English professor, current independent publisher (and illustrator, bibliographer, literary critic, etc., etc., etc.), and all-around great guy.  We had a great time talking to him about o...

This week is a bonus episode! Enjoy hearing about the man who had a family and a few friends, then fell asleep for a while! When he awoke, the world was both similar and different.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Make sure you have your sleepytime tea and ZzzQuil (not sponsored) on hand for this one, because things are about to get spooky and you’ll need calming agents to keep your wits about you. This week, we regale you with the story of one Ichabod Crane’s very, very weird evening. Poor, gangly, big-nosed, gangly, awkward, and gangly Ichabod is not only easily frightened but also gangly, and he could su...

This week, we bring you the tale of Washington Irving, a delightful historical troll and one of our current favorite guys.  Perhaps best known for being the author of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and Rip Van Winkle, he should be even better known for his many and varied pen names.  Join us as we experience awe and delight at his weird life!  Theo suggests a new cool podcast tradition.  Rachel makes...

We talk to Nghi Vo, author of The Chosen and the Beautiful, one of the Great Gatsby adaptations that have been released since the book entered the public domain, about getting our grubby fingerprints all over the classics.  She talks to us about her inspiration, her writing process, and the strange customs of the American Midwest.  (She also shares a little secret info about upcoming projects!)  T...

Jackie brings us a question from her sister (because we know about gender things).  Theo has 200 Microsoft Bing points.  Rachel makes the case for gay Nick.  Topics include: whether or not Nick Carraway is an aphrodisiac, Google vs. Bing, what Gatsby got up to at night as a teen, Nathan Fielder, Bing Boys, the function of holidays, underwear problems, The Room, Griselda the horse, ghosting, and cu...

Here is a clip of our Patreon bonus episode this week, covering the fakeness or not-so-fakeness of Shakespeare! To get access to the full episode, go to patreon.com/firethecanon ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Settle in for a discussion of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s most famous work like you never heard it in school: by three highly distractible people who curse a lot, one of whom hasn’t read the book. We cover the first four chapters (of 9) and give you plenty of fun historical tidbits, like Fitzgerald’s abandoned title ideas, the true meaning of the book, and why there are so many goddamn gin and fruit coc...

Join us as we learn all about F. Scott Fitzgerald in preparation for our upcoming miniseries on The Great Gatsby!  This poor guy had quite the wild life, including writing what some consider to be the quintessential American novel (somehow, the tale of rich people in New York City). Through his work, he strove to answer the eternal question: can a poor boy marry a rich girl?!?!  Rachel totals a ca...

Today we read and discuss Parts 2 & 3 of The Metamorphosis, the famous tale of Gregor Samsa, a salesman who continues to be a monstrous insect.  Theo rests his case.  Jackie’s attraction to Kafka is unchanged.  Rachel delights in a tadpole apocolypse.   Topics include: Beetle Borgs Content warning: some more serious cockroach talk ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

A short preview of our Patreon Bonus episode this month! Theo designed a diabolical quiz game for Rachel and Jackie, who in turn answer diabolical quiz questions.  You'll never guess who won... ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Today we read and discuss Part 1 of The Metamorphosis, the famous tale of Gregor Samsa, a salesman who awakens one morning to find himself transformed into some sort of monstrous insect.  Theo gives himself an award.  Jackie flails around like a Muppet, as usual.  Rachel runs the gamut of hellish experiences at Heathrow Airport.  Topics include: Jackie’s feelings towards her great-grandfather, our...

If you enjoy hearing people talk about the life of author Franz Kafka, have we got a treat for you!  In this episode, Jackie’s the captain now, and she gets a little too into her Kafka research.  She delved too greedily and too deep, and is now officially obsessed with old Franz.  Now you get to reap the fruits of her labor!  Come back next week to hear us talk about Kafka’s most famous novella, T...