Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast

For chapters 11 & 12, we visit (and try to pronounce) Lugard, demand Reasonably Sized Text, salute the Once and Future Pope, and discuss the Whitecloak Witch Capture Quota. TW: We talk about sexual assault in this episode.   Transcript

Welcome to Whitecloak Country, y'all! In chapters 8, 9, & 10, Nynaeve does a Dust Storm Whoopsie, Elayne has a terminal case of Desire Within the Patriarchy, Juilin Trains the Police, and we meet someone whose name is definitely pronounced Rhonda. Transcript

For chapters 6 & 7, we've captured the Day 17 (at the time of recording) mood: the Live Action Despicable Me Remake. There's also Record-Breaking Boner Talk, Rand's Shawshank Redemption, Illegal Dream Homework, and the Dirty Emond's Field Watering Hole. Transcript  

It's not the pandemic that's got us down; it's all the misogyny in chapters 4 & 5. We cope with Ogier Minecraft Vision, the Sex Tent, Perma-Gai'shain, Baylee Domon, and the harsh reality that Robert Jordan just didn't know about sports bras.  Transcript

It may feel like the world is screeching to a halt, but EHR is still recording! For chapters 2 and 3, we talk about Team Chuck Tingle, Sweaty Chic, The Peak of A-Hole, and Mat's Juicy Couture Shorts. Wash your hands and stay horny for Mat, everyone!   Transcript

Chapter one of The Fires of Heaven is truly rancid. We're forced to discuss Randerdale, the Death Yo-Yo, Mat's Tax Evasion, OK Boomer Energy, and the Perfect MILF (not Morgase, sadly). Also: alternate Fires of Heaven titles.  Transcript

The Fires of Heaven, huh? Sure are fiery, huh? Welcome to season five! We talk about the title, the cover, and the prologue. Discussion topics include: World's Worst Dad, Horny for Land, Bavram Dashere, Find My Galad (it's an app), and Lesbian Boot Camp. Transcript

The Shadow Rising is OVER, and not a second too soon. Talking points for these last two chapters include: Bible.wiki, Hbo Presents: Popes, Museum Rhetoric, Lanfear's Gollum Tits, Chekhov's Kal, and Rand's Baby Bjorn. Transcript

The Two Rivers tradition of yeeting magical objects continues in chapters 54 and 55. Also making appearances: Deus Ex Bayle Domon, Shooting to Still, Justice's Carriage, and how Horribly Unsexy Murder is.  Transcript

For episodes 53 and 56, we celebrate Robert Jordan's Vision of the Future: a book without Perrin. We talk about Royal Gossip Girl, the Galad Worthiness Test, Fixing Berelain, and how Perrin spits in the face of Video Game Logic.  Transcript

Finally, over 100 episodes in, we've learned that maybe we should just listen to our listeners. For chapters 51 and 52, we rant about Hard Lines and the Romeo Nazi and discuss the David Beckham Sleeping Fetish and the Only Thing That Can Kill Sally. Transcript

Can you believe you've listened to 100 episodes of this buffoonery? We can't! To celebrate, we asked our friends and listeners to talk about Wheel of Time, because they're funnier than us anyway. Discussion topics: Implausible Nynaeve AU, G-Brothers, Relephant, Cat Cooties Kazoo, and Ran or Land? Transcript

Arguably the best part of this episode is the listener-submitted sign-off. (Thanks, Gavin!) That said, our coverage of ch. 48-50 does bring up discussion topics like the Montage-ologue, PhDs in Swords, Roofmistress Throw-Down, and Hozier's WoT Rewrite.  Transcript

For chapters 46-47, we couldn't talk about the Breaking of the White Tower without reviewing the Papal Schism, right? And hey, how come so many ding-dang buildings are breaking? Also up for discussion: U2 Stockholm Syndrome, Texan Seanchan, the Paradox of Queering, Logain's Later Days, and Man Batteries.   Transcript

In another trio of Perrin chapters (43-45), we pull ourselves together long enough to talk about Ladder-Looking Lads, Egg Mom, Himbo Solidarity, Big Bard Energy, and Horse Therapy. We also cast One Direction for, what, the ninth time? Transcript

In this episode, which does technically cover the content of chapters 40-42, the unstoppable force of "Cats" met the immovable object of our hatred of Perrin. So while we barely talked about Wheel of Time, we do feel better, and that's what matters. Happy New Year. 

Chapters 38 and 39 are holding us hostage. The demands for our safe return? Delete Carridin and Liandrin's Evil Girl Band. Tell us why Juilin is in the plot. Don't do a violence. And please, for the love of God, let all witchcraft trials be decided by sharks. Transcript

To make up for our time off, here's an extra-long episode, half of which is about the books we read on vacation. The other half tackles topics like Flip-Floppiest Boy, Bullsh*t Bobby, Tall Stink Man, Himbo Gawyn, and Thom vs. the TSA. Chapters 36 and 37. Transcript

For chapters 34 and 35, we discuss the Tarantino Return from Rhuidean, Yeet Punctuation, Rand's Mermaid Arms, Mat's Duolingo Owl Energy, and, of course, we figure out yet again how to fix Wheel of Time. (Hint: Weekend at Bernie's.)  Transcript

For some reason we are discussing THREE Perrin chapters, which is just too much (31, 32, and 33). Suggested talking points: Optical Illusion Height, Ghost Perrin, Charles Dickens Propaganda, Casting Wil al'Seen, and Hairy Kit-Kats.  Transcript

This episode is a a bit short, just like the lives of Perrin's three dozen family members. For chapters 29 and 30, we talk about Cenn Buoy, Nynaeve's Greek Goddess Birth, the Toxic Monogamy Godzilla, and Litigation Phobia.   Transcript

In our efforts to ignore the actual events of chapters 27 and 28, we discussed Rambo Tactics, Diablo Ex Machina, Rows and Cravens, Gaul's (Correct) Priorities, and whether there's a Florida equivalent in Wheel of Time.   Transcript

This one's academic, y'all. To talk about chapters 25 and 26, Sally's taking us deep into cosmogony, the Universal Dad, and the power of perspective. And Emily's reminding us that women are EVIL and feminism is BAD. Are you taking NOTES?  Transcript

After some heavy editing, our Long Episode about chapters 23 and 24 is a reasonable length, and it's here to educate you about Debbie, the Archetypal Wife, Sniper No Sniping, Mat's Hierarchy of Needs, and Shark Law.  Transcript

In this episode, we discuss chapters 21 and 22. Sort of. Mostly, we ask a lot of questions, like: What does vibe check mean? Would Teen Narc make a good graphic novel? What does the "z" in "zaddy" stand for? And, hey, Sally? What's Boy Design?  Transcript