Everybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast

Apologies for the low volume as we adjust to a new recording space. We finish the prologue by discussing John Travlota Rand, Alternate Lord of Chaos Titles, D-d-damn Daniel, Bad Decision-Making in the Royal House of Andor, and Rand's Monarchy (But Make It Bigger).  Transcript

Welcome to season six! The title says it all. We get halfway through the prologue of Lord of Chaos, discussing Pop Culture Neo, Who Needs to Be Guillotined, The Dark One Firing Demandred, and Rand's Revolving Door of Women. Transcript

We haven't worked up the courage to face Lord of Chaos yet, so we decided to discuss how (and if!) indigenous people are represented in Wheel of Time. We also laugh for, like, ten minutes at the word "moo-nionizing."  Transcript

The heavens have been fired, and we're officially done with book five! And what a chaotic ride it's been. For chapters 55-56, we talk about Moghedien's Opera Glasses, how Nynaeve Has the High Ground, and Rand's School for Boys Who Want to Do Magic. Transcript

If you think men have tear ducts, chapters 53-54 will prove you wrong. This episode will also prove that Emily is gay and can't do math, that Lan has reached a new low on the break-up scale (BENEATH Facebook Messenger break-up), and that we're all just following Fast and Furious logic.  Transcript

We've reached one of the most iconic sequences in the Wheel of Time: when Moiraine stage manages the HELL out of her own "death." For ch. 51 & 52, we also talk about Sexy Zombie Mat, Catching Frish, Don't Skin the Messenger, and Sulin Joining Mat's War Council.  Transcript

Ch. 49 and 50 are so, so long. There's no humor to be found in them, but a lot of questions: Should Sherlock Holmes be sexy? Is smuggling a victimless crime? Are the seals actually important? Has Robert Jordan heard of friends?  Transcript

Robert Jordan is taking leaves in ch. 47 & 48, just like he always does. Other discussion topics include: Egg's Amyrlin Box, Jazz Hands Shimmying, Be Nicer to Mat 2k20, and Galad's Bleached Violence. Transcript

This week, we cover ch. 45-46, and Mat goes on Reddit to ask: AITA? Meanwhile, Asmodean can't pronounce the word "friend," Moiraine supervises Special K, the nobility suffer through an unsanitary spear kissing ritual, and Robert Jordan uses his page space unwisely. What else is new? Transcript

We'd like to remind you that we are not the glee club. Other discussion topics for chapters 43-44 include: Signature for Ants, Beefalo, and Mantrum with Lantrum. Plus, for the first time ever, Lan actually acts like a good mentor?   Transcript

As the title implies, there's a highly graphic sidebar in this episode about the big blue dildo in HBO's "Watchmen." Whoops! More WoT-centric topics include: Glass-Blowing Inconsistencies, Mat's Transition Lenses, and Miners vs. Minors. Chapters 41 & 42.  Transcript

Chapters 39 and 40 are here to teach us all about cults (and whether you're in one)! Discussion topics include: a Tybalt-centric Universe, Masema's 12 Friends Justice System, Alliandre's Resume, and Fergalicious Galaxy Brain. Transcript

Emily "Eyeball" Juchau and Sally "Sadness" Goodger are back after a brief hiatus to talk about ch. 37 and 38. We'll discuss the history of circuses and "freak shows" and the intersections between human cruelty and animal cruelty. If that sounds like a downer, worry not: there's a guy named Philip Ass-ley involved.  Transcript

In chapters 35 and 36, Elayne wrestles with some sticky consent issues, Robert Jordan plays queer-coding dodgeball, Valan Luca is a cult leader, and Birgitte is the only emotionally healthy person in this circus full of bummers. Enjoy!  Transcript

For chapters 33 and 34, we recover from sex igloo mostly by making fun of Elayne. We'll talk about her Sudden Passion for Carpentry, Galad Eating Falafel, the Forsaken's Chair Personalities, and, of course, Emily's Wonky Right Hip.  Transcript

This episode is so long, just because there is so much misogyny, toxic masculinity, bad writing, and issues of consent in the Sex Igloo chapters (31 and 32). We'll lay it all out for you. But don't worry -- we will also wonder Where Enya Is Now for ten minutes.  Transcript

Oh, chapters 29 and 30? You mean the ones where a woman gets dismembered and Rand doesn't know what taxes are? Hard pass. We talk about Immune System Football, Officer Nepotism, Ghost Vampires, and the Bra/Public Execution Scale. Transcript

In our coverage of ch. 26-28, we really challenge ourselves: to understand whether Min has an Oedipus complex, to rate Gareth Bryne's misogynistic comments, to name at least six Aes Sedai, and to look into Siuan's floating Gatsby eyes. Good luck.   Transcript

Read Black revolutionary texts: https://tinyurl.com/yabm3ggz   Buy from Black-owned bookstores: https://aalbc.com/bookstores/list.php      Support Black Lives Matter: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/#     Transcript

Sadly, chapters 24 and 25, though thematically romantic, aren't as sexy as we'd like. Join us as we talk about Egwene's Domesticity Dreams, the Devil Wears Prada Syndrome, Elaida's HGTV Dream Home, and Horny Anime Nosebleeds!  Transcript

Our coverage of ch. 22-23 is brought to you by Subaru! We talk about Mat's Dump-truck Ass, Leo's Bear Invulnerability, Bastard Requirements, and, of course, Wheel of Time sex ed: If You Have Sex, You WILL Be Attacked by Trollocs, and You WILL Die.   Transcript

After reading chapters 20 & 21, we have decided to run for governor. Join us as we blaze our campaign trail and talk about Jenga Mountains, Hashtag Vulture Hate, Baby Asmodean, Brandbert, and Normalizing Unsexual Tension.  Transcript

If we are being honest, the bulk of this episode (ch. 17-19) is a discussion about sexualized fruits. But we made time for a discussion about Valan Luca's Circus of Hiding People, Blaming Rand's Dick on a Cosmic Level, Gaebril/Gerbil, and False "Feminism" Fatigue. TW: We discuss sexual assault in this episode.  Transcript

You might think the title of this episode says it all about chapters 15 & 16, but there's so much more to the story: HGTV Amyrlin Office, Man Talk, and Trom: Legend. We go zero to a hundred, just like Elayne about Galad and World War I.  Transcript

Our coverage of chapters 13 & 14 is weirdly leg-centric, but that's just because Valan Luca is here now. Conversation topics include: Celebrity Man Legs, Baba Yaga House With Chris's Legs, Jon Hamm Island, and the Sharan Spider Infestation.   Transcript