Enough Wicker: Intellectualizing the Golden Girls

The sky is falling and we're closing out Season 6 on top! Rose, Dorothy, and Blanche, 68 (and dead!) star in an elementary school production of Henny Penny narrated by a Robin Hood-clad Sophia. Meanwhile, Blanche tries to get Chugger Dietz to print a retraction on an obituary that does not result in the outpouring of grief one would expect. 

Nyquill shooters & a hotplate, a recipe for disaster! Sophia is under arrest when a deathbed confession implicates her in the Shady Pines fire. The rest of the girls reminisce while trying to work through an impossible situation.

Blanche Devereaux's going on a diet....again. The girls participate in a bachelorette auction, the crown jewel of 90s sitcom plots. Uncle Angelo is back in town, and thanks to the timely death of Stan's own uncle, Dorothy is able to offer him an apartment in his hour of need. The place leaves something to be desired on the hide-and-seek front, but is apparently large enough for a formal pa...

Hi Dorothy, Bye Dorothy. Blanche Devereaxu's goin on a diet. Blanche purges the kitchen of all sweet and salty treats as she tries to fit back into her wedding dress. Rose and Sophia, in different ways, make this all the more difficult. Meanwhile, Certified Golden Girls Hunk™, John Noretti is in Miami and he and Dorothy share an enchanted evening and rehash old memories.

A rabbi, a mobster, and a copy in a dress walk into a house... In this one, Rose is dating the Cheeseman! Miles comes back as an Amish windmill maker, and Blanche tries her yankee-doodle-dandiest to get into a club full of racist old white ladies. It's a hilarious, whacky ride.

When Dorothy struggles to connect with the kids in her honors progrum, Sophia tells her she was the brightest kid in Brooklyn™ growing up and it goes straight to her head. Speaking of State Fairs, Blanche's ego inflates until its bursts when a young actor mistakes her for Aurora's mother. It's grand..just grand. 

Cat show? Dog show.  Rose pursues a new career as a news reporter, but she's better with a hairbrush. Meanwhile, Blanche's perfect arrangement with Mel Bushman gets shaken up when she fears the Zipper King has died, finds out he hasn’t, and then seeks to complicate their “relationship.”

Dorothy is in cahoots with the manager of Cyrpus Grove to trick Sophia into believing she's there to be something between an employee and a volunteer when really, she's a guest! Meanwhile, Rose and Blanche get a modeling gig for a penny saver that turns out to be less glamorous than they expected. We'd sue! 

Dorothy and Stan have been sneaking around and no one bothered to ask Sophia aka the Godfather. The old flames decide to get married, again, not in the presence of their children or grandchildren, but under the instruction of a no-nonsense wedding planner and famed attorney Marvin Mitchelson. Surprise, it doesn't work out! Meanwhile, Rose is stalked and harassed by Myra, whose weapon of choice is...

What was supposed to be an enjoyable evening of Miles reading poetry to celebrate that nose-nipper, Robert Frost, goes totally awry when news breaks that The Cheeseman, a mob boss, has been killed. Through a series of small reveals that don't make a ton of sense, Miles comes clean as Nicholas Carbone, shrimp lover and snitch in a tie. 

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and what better way to celebrate than with Clayton and Doug's engagement! Blanche struggles with accepting her brother as gay...again, but with the help of the rest of the girls, comes around eventually. Meanwhile, Rose loses an award to a dead woman. Our interview with Elliot Powell: https://www.enoughwicker.com/post/okie-dokie-daddio-sex-gender-jazz-in...

Rose wants Miles to jump out of an air-a-plane to prove he loves her. Blanche is dating Rex Huntington, an abusive dirtbag who treats her terribly, and Dorothy decides to intervene. It takes Blanche a minute to come around, but luckily she sees the light. Meanwhile, Dorothy and Sophia work on the famous lunar landing puzzle.  All of The Golden Girls Villains, Ranked, with illustrations from W...

In what is arguably the saddest episode of the entire series, we mourn Phil Petrillo. Family man, poker player, and style icon. Sophia confronts Phil's wife Angela aka Big Sally about a decades-long feud and the rest of the girls try and cope with the loss. 

Blanche is checkin' out everything but the books at the library and comes across Mr. Ted Tanner, who turns out to be a jerk in a wheelchair. Meanwhile, Rose tries to convince the fam to let her keep Bingo, an absolutely adorable puppy, but as Dorothy puts it, no one lucid is home during the day to care for him. 

St. Olaf is going through a drought and wants all of its one-time citizens, even those who live elsewhere, to join in the misery. Rose decides to commit to celibacy, but on the advice of Blanche, tries to use it as an opportunity to make Miles jealous, rather than tell the truth. Meanwhile, Blanche also inserts herself into Sophia's dating life, creating the infamous 65-year-old drag queen visual...

Mrs. Blanche Devereaux considers whether or not to stay Mrs. Blanche Devereaux when George's ghost shows up in Miami! Using one of the favorite tactics of TV at the time, Blanche dreams Geroge stained his desk and has been alive this whole time. Meanwhile, Sonny Bono and Lyle Waggoner compete for Dorthy's affection.

A nun has died and a dork in a Duster rams into Rose's car. Amid the grief of losing a friend, Sophia decides to join the convent. Meanwhile, Blanche uses Rose's car in a reckless attempt to meet rich men. None of it works out—what a load of fun! 

Dorothy and Stan are back at it again! As though they're right back at prom night 1946, everybody's favorite divorced couple is sneaking around and carrying on like teenagers. Rose is having a problem at work with an overeager colleague that only Sophia can solve (sans dart gun). 

Rose confronts her scumbag of a dentist who has been groping her while she's knocked out on laughing gas. Meanwhile, Dorothy aka Atila the Sub is filling in for a long-term job at a local Catholic high school. She has to decide whether or not to fail Kevin, a charming but lazy football star who refuses to apply himself academically, amid pressure from a priest, a dumb (but also charming in his own...

Big Daddy created a lot of problems for his family, even in death! Viola Watkins, Blanche's beloved "Mammy" shows up in Miami (after calling!) to ask for a music box she gave to Blanche's father, who we learned she loved. Blanche has to reconcile with the affair, while Sophia covertly signs Dorothy up for a matchmaker. Rose reveals her nanny was a goat and learns how to pronounce the first name of...

In this one, Dorothy Zbornak (Miracle Worker) tries to help Jimmy, played by the incomparable Martin Mull, confront decades of life as a shut-in. Is she qualified, you ask? Not at all! Meanwhile, Rose decides she must throw Blanche a birthday party, even as Blanche's preferred method of coping with aging comes in the form of young men and living with women who look a lot older than she does!

With his invention, the Zbornee, Stanley is helping thousands of people open baked potatoes without burning their fingers and raking in the cash. He wants to share with his very best used-to-be (and her mother, who willfully accepts) but Dorothy is hesitant at first. Meanwhile, Rose makes sure to hold onto her I Lost My Ass in Vegas cup but somehow lets Blanche take thousands of dollars in St. Ola...

We lost Sophia, but we found Rose's father (he's an earthling!). The Girls are back at the hospital because Sophia has a hernia that we're led to believe is from moving furniture at Dorothy's request, but is actually a consequence of a hilarious prank. While there, Rose, an expert candy stripper and purveyor of Traditional St. Olaf Funpacks runs into her natural father, who turns out to be a danci...

We're officially in Season 6 and Becky is back! After visiting a birthing center where it sounds like a mommy is on fire, she decides to instead deliver her baby at a Miami hospital, without regard for what that will to do Blanche's reputation. Eventually, Blanche accepts that Becky is pursuing single motherhood and has a moment of reflection where she realizes that is actually incredibly brave. M...

Another two-part, clip show, season finale! Only this time, President Bush is stopping by to visit. Dorothy plans to share all of her gripes (most of which we share!) with the Prez, but freezes up in a classic "..Bush..." scene. Meanwhile, a charming Secret Service agent grills the girls to make sure it's safe for Mr. No New Taxes to stop by. Stanley brings over his greatest novelty to date, and i...