Employing Differences

"What do you value about the perspective that you tend not to bring?" Paul & Karen discuss ways of working with tensions between "evolutionary" and "design up-front" approaches.

"Instead of working through every hypothetical to try to get the perfect thing up front, find something that seems plausible. And try it with a commitment that we have to honor, that we come back to it and say, "Is this working?", and have that evolving thing happening? And that really in the end probably gives us the best processes of all. At the least cost!" Paul & Karen...

"Yeah, we got it on paper. But we didn't get it in, as you might say, 'people's hearts and minds'. We didn't get it in a way that shows up in people's behavior, or that results in compliance or support of whatever the thing was that we were working toward." Paul & Karen discuss the impacts of ways of working together on being together.

"The first thing we want to say is let's get away from the ‘Do you have to?’ or ‘Are you willing to?’ and really live in the space of ‘Can you?’" Paul & Karen talk about obligation, willingness, and capacity.

"As a facilitator, if I'm noticing that the patterns in the way that the group is working is not helping the group move forward towards its goals, it's usually useful to say something about that. In a way that the group can hear, in a way that isn't shutting people down, it isn't demeaning." Paul & Karen discuss the impact a facilitator’s words can have. Miki Kash...

"And so what we want to do is not be afraid of it, not run away from it. And also not drag them into the deep end of it. Or bring ours in with them. But to be curious and  check in. Express, somehow, sympathy, of whatever sort makes sense to you. Offer what you can. " Paul & Karen  discuss coming back to the workplace after experiencing grief. Here's Karen's grief journey ,...

"Don't take away someone's coping strategy without giving them something else that works for them." Karen & Paul talk about working with people who are dealing with difficulty in ways that are causing problems for those around them.

"Starting to question assumptions about how things have to be when we settle in the new place and then seeing what other people's capacity for experimenting with those assumptions, I think, is an important place to start." Karen & Paul discuss making the most of change.

"Recognizing that different people and different meanings and different moments, at different times, will have different amounts of influence. And that the thing you want to pay attention to is 'Where is the imbalance?'" Paul & Karen talk about working with the inevitable differences in influence within a group.

"The best antidote I know to a thing being functionally or socially forbidden, even though it's a thing we would like people to do, is for people to start doing it." Paul & Karen talk about dealing with topics that don't seem safe to broach.

"I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying my understanding of what you're saying doesn't match my prior experience. Can you help me reconcile those?" Paul & Karen talk about working collaboratively instead of competitively.

"We often hear, 'This is really great! And we can't, because we don't have everyone on board.'" Paul & Karen  talk about creating change by starting small – and without everyone.

"We tell ourselves a story about 'If I don't do this thing – or if I do this thing that I want to do – somebody else will be unhappy with me. And therefore, I don't have a choice, I have to do it.'" Paul & Karen discuss obligation, resentment, and reclaiming a sense of agency.

"It can be useful to name out loud that while our intentions around support haven't changed, the reality is we are going to disappoint each other." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube

"There is this misnomer that we have heard you because we sat here quietly while you talked. That is not the same thing. I can sit here quietly while people talk and not hear them at all." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube

"It's so much less vulnerable to just declare something unreasonable or inappropriate, or put those values- and judgment-laden words in it, and not have to deal with what's real." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube

"It's not a simple decision of 'Do we need to postpone when someone's not going to be able to attend or not?' And in fact, what we're saying is it shouldn't be." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube

"Ignoring that there is a seasonality and a cyclicality to things can cause us a lot of problems, because we have expectations that can't be met." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube

"If your brain is saying, 'I'll just build a new system, and it will fix it,' it's a good idea to hit the pause button and ask yourself a few questions." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube See also Employing Differences, Episode 108: Is this change done?

"That's where learning happens: where you're a little anxious and not terrified." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube

"Having a way for people to express not only what their preference is, but what their willingness is, makes group decision-making much easier." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube

"If we don't have the world's greatest cat herder, to what degree can we ask the cats to be slightly more well-behaved and need less herding?" Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube

"If you're asking the boss to change something, to pay attention to something, to engage with something, there's a fair chance they'll change. And there's no guarantee that it will be exactly the way you want it." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube

"We're keeping in mind the goal is for us to work well and effectively together. And if that's the goal, then we're not in the space of shame, blame, or judgment." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube

"These are agreements that are designed to help the group be as effective as they can. That doesn't mean that they're designed to make us feel as comfortable as possible." Listen on the website and read the transcript Watch this episode on YouTube