Employing Differences

"We need to be enough in alignment that when we get back together, we're not surprised at where we landed. Or at least, we're not badly surprised at where we landed." Karen & Paul talk about collaborating when you can't work together.

"Do we just want to share this as information because it's relevant to other things and go on? Or do we want to invite people into a space of emotional sharing?" Paul & Karen talk about life events,  emotional baggage, and engaging (or not) around charged subjects.   See also Episode 145: What if it makes them cry?

"If I want to set a boundary, the boundary isn't about what you are or are not allowed to do, because I don't get to decide that. The boundary is about what am I going to do if that happens." Karen & Paul explore what makes boundaries useful and the impact they can have on a relationship.

"There are situations that we need to work through as groups where we can't really predict what will happen, where there are high degrees of uncertainty. There are lots of things that are unknown – and probably unknowable. And those situations are often very, very messy." Paul & Karen explore ways to support groups in situations where you can't take things apart .

"Being safe to disagree is so essential to teamwork, so essential to any relationship. If two humans are involved and you want to have authentic communication and you want to have creativity or you want to throw ideas around – if you can't disagree with each other, you can't do any of that other stuff." Karen & Paul talk about things you can do to support useful disagreemen...

"Most of us have a lot of experience of authority that didn't do a very good job of supporting partnership. And that's what we expect it to look like. That's how we expect a meeting to run. That's how we expect a manager to behave." Karen & Paul explore the interactions between authority and partnership.  Additional resources: For Facilitators – connect-collaborat...

"How do we help a group not be overwhelmed by all of the details, by all of the interactions, by all of the moving parts in a particular situation, in order to be able to make some progress?" Paul & Karen talk about a way groups may be able to tackle complex issues.

"One of the things we know about human beings and the way that they make decisions is that very often we are led by our immediate emotional response that we then find facts to support." Karen & Paul talk about how we make "logical" arguments that aren't as logic-based as we think they are.

"There are things that often sound like invitations that often aren't. Things that show up in that space between where one person is asking something from another person or a group of people. There are different things that might be packed into that, and that can cause confusion, frustration, and an impact on the collaborative space between people." Paul & Karen talk about invit...

"It's very easy for us to fall into assuming that because we are part of a group, and there is a problem that exists in the group, therefore, the problem is mine." Paul & Karen talk about addressing problems that affect you but might not be "yours."

"A lot of that is intuitive. A lot of it is 'feel your way.' But some hints to help with the intuition are talk to multiple people, get multiple perspectives, and listen for the thing they're not saying. Bring up the things that they may be avoiding and ask explicitly. Ask the open-ended kinds of questions so that they do speak freely." Karen & Paul talk about how to a...

"I think – in consensus situations, in particular – it's wise to get clear about 'What are the likely outcomes of my choices?' And I may not like any of them, but I at least can choose the one I like the best." Paul & Karen talk about getting unstuck when there isn't a clear method to resolve disagreements about how to proceed.

"What's the objective of doing this thing? What is the thing that we hope this item will accomplish? And is it accomplishing that? And is that thing worth the resources that we have?" Karen & Paul discuss making meetings better by choosing what not to spend time on.

"This is not a question that we actually recommend asking, but it's a question that we sometimes think really strongly and sometimes comes out of our mouths – which probably isn't our best moment." Paul & Karen talk about how the emotional gap between people can become a barrier to collaboration.

"I have often said that the only useful answer to the question 'Do you understand?' is 'No.'" Karen & Paul talk about the difference between saying things and communicating them.

"We arrive in adulthood with a great deal of experience with people in authority. We probably knew some that we thought did a great job. And we certainly, I think, knew someone who we thought really misused and even abused their authority." Paul & Karen  discuss how our relationship with authority influences our ability to use it effectively and humanely.

"What is it that I actually want to do for you in our relationship, in the context of the work we do together? What are the things that I would look forward to, that I would enjoy, that I would feel are important, that would be validating to me? What are the things that really are what I want to contribute to the collaboration, to the relationship?" Karen & Paul talk about the kinds...

"When we look at both the costs of not trusting and the risks associated with trusting, are we picking the path that gives us the right amount of efficiency?" Paul & Karen talk about risk, trust, and working together.

"Do we talk about each other more than we talk to each other? If so, that's probably a sign that we're avoiding the conversations we really need to have." Karen & Paul discuss shifting away from gossiping and toward getting support for difficult conversations.

"'How does this impact me? How do I feel about this? What bothers me about this bad news? What's the emotional effect that it has on me? How do I relate to it?' If it's throwing me all kinds of off-kilter, and I'm trying to present it to the group in a way that's going to be useful – that they can interact with it, they can make decisions about – that's not...

"But if we have three different understandings or three different models of how this operates – that's the situation we want to avoid. We don't want to get to the problem and realize we don't have a common way of understanding or talking about the problem." Paul & Karen discuss the challenges of creating shared understanding – and the dangers of failing to do so.

"Fear is one of those emotions that we often don't like to feel. We often want to try to get away and get it marginalized. So even if we are open to, 'Hey, we are going to make decisions not purely based on logic, so we are going to listen to some emotions,' fear is often not one of the ones that we want to get snuggly with." Karen & Paul talk about how to unwrap wisdo...

"Okay, I'm with someone and they're really upset. What's going on for me? What is my instinct? Where am I going? And is that the direction I want to go?" Paul & Karen talk about how strong emotions can be contagious – and what to do about it.

"'Fine' is a code word for 'Actually, they're not how I want them to be and I don't feel like talking about it and getting into it right now.'" Karen & Paul talk about bringing up things that aren't working for us.

"In order for groups to make good decisions, they need to go through that process collectively so that they're actually in sync with each other at each stage." Paul & Karen talk about how to handle disagreements and differing conclusions in group decision-making situations.