Emotional Sobriety: The Next Step in Recovery

Thom’s Nutshell Wisdom: “Practice conversations to convey rather than convince.” Healthy Conversation is “present-centered.” In a healthy conversation, we don’t need to know exactly what we’re trying to convey. With defenses down, we learn more. How much “we,” and how much “I” can we include in any relationship? How can we get on the same side of the problem? Anxiety is at the root of why we do th...

Former guest and longtime friend John Amodeo joins Allen and Thom to advocate “gentle presence” 9 making ourselves available to the full range of what we’re experiencing in the moment, whether pleasure and pain. People are afraid of their emotions - “If I start crying, when will I stop?” The greater danger, in our experience, is the suppression of emotion. We also touch on processing failure and m...

Thom checks back in after a long period of freezing weather and system crash in Tennessee, Allen gets honest after recent familial struggles. What makes it difficult for us to own our bad behavior? This week is emotional sobriety through fear and wreckage, demanding cleanup. Thom's Nutshell: Can you describe how you think as well as you can describe what you think?" "In The Daily Stoic, Ryan Holid...

Thom’s Nutshell: "How much of what you believe do you really believe?" Allen and Patrick review a recent Slate article about Emotional Sobriety and push back on some of its premises. Emotional Sobriety isn’t just about taking care of ourselves, it’s about dismantling expectations and developing an entirely new way of living. It offers not just inner peace, but true freedom. The article: “I Quit Dr...

On clarity, which comes with emotional sobriety: an antidote to impulsivity, rumination, indecision and procrastination. Thom’s nutshell wisdom: Your ego has one value system, your spirit another. Beware of identifying with one and acting from the other. We all experience this. It is the source of our deepest hypocrisy. This is the human struggle: personally and globally. Our hearts go out to the...

"I didn't have a choice." You're selling yourself short. Or you mean, the choice seemed obvious to you. But still, you made the choice. Or - you are making an excuse, ducking responsibility, for a poor choice that you made. Because... We always have choices. Even not making a choice is a choice. Follow us on social media. Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs Learn more about Jo...

Today’s Nutshell Wisdom: The big difference between passing judgment and exercising judgment: One focuses attention on something I do not control. The other focuses on precisely what I do control. Today we’re back to the serenity prayer and describing what emotional sobriety’s “discovery of new possibilities” could practically mean. Follow us on social media. Instagram: thomrutledge2 Joe C. Twitte...

Joe C. quotes Joseph Campbell: “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Thom’s nutshell for today: “Measure your progress in units of willingness instead of willpower, with degrees of self-acceptance rather than change." Allen, Thom, Joe and Patrick each talk about how their understanding of emotional sobriety has evolved over the p...

For this week’s nutshell, prioritizing comfort will eventually make us very uncomfortable. We talk amends and pull some wisdom from Arthur Schopenhaur (via Joe C.’s “Beyond Belief”). Sending love and emotional sobriety to you all this holiday. We’ll be back for one more in 2025. Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com     Follow us on social...

On learning from our mistakes. Whether or not the mistake results in an immediate change in our behavior, learning is always taking place if we can get out of our own way. Thom and Allen advise staying with our heartbreak (or other forms of grief), feeling it without being stuck in it. Notice when we are “offended by reality.” There’s an opportunity there to de-personalize the pain, and thereby su...

Nutshell of the Day: “Even introverts need connection and support. Solitude is vital. Isolation is deadly.” On the eve of Joe C.’s sober birthday, he drops by to talk about managing expectations, staying sane and emotionally sober during Thanksgiving. Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com     Follow us on social media. Podcast Twitter: @Em...

Carol Carter returns to the show as we try a more focused format and talk change, not taking things personally, and understanding our capacity to accomplish more and weather bigger storms than we ever thought possible.   Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing.com     Follow us on social media. Podcast Twitter: @EmSobrietyPod Instagram: thomrutl...

Melanie Gulde returns to the podcast to talk with Allen and Thom about the progress and promise of Divided Sky in Vermont, which isn’t a rehab but a residential recovery retreat, reasonably priced. She discusses meeting Phish’s Trey Anastasio, who worked with her in recovery to form the center’s curriculum, which lists “Emotional Sobriety 101” as a foundational text.   More about Divided Sky: http...

“...the pain that comes from loving someone who's in trouble can be profound.” ―  Melody Beattie,  Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself   Joe’s “Beyond Belief” book: https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Belief-reflection-nonbelievers-freethinkers/dp/0988115700   See guest Michael Harney’s play, “Danny Boy” still showing in Los Angeles: https://www.onstage411.c...

Joe, Thom, and Patrick talk Marcus Aurelius, read a daily reflection from Joe’s “Beyond Belief,” and consider the uncomfortable necessity of staying in the center of the herd. We also talk about making a difference and keeping the candle of hope burning during our particularly brutal and unjust time.   Joe’s “Beyond Belief” book: https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Belief-reflection-nonbelievers-freethi...

Actor, writer and director Michael J. Harney (NYPD Blue, Deadwood, True Detective) joins Thom and Allen to talk about his evolving spirituality and journey to recovery, his experience directing his new play “Danny Boy,” his friendship with the legendary David Milch, and how emotional sobriety has shown up for him over the years in his relationships with others and his Muse.   See Michael’s play, “...

Joe C. joins Allen and Patrick to introduce what will be a series of episodes discussing how emotional sobriety can improve our sexual relationships, building genuine intimacy with partners. Finding ways to connect authentically, standing for ourselves without erasing our partners, and showing up for our partners without erasing ourselves.   Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs h...

Clinical trauma specialist and author of Trauma and the 12 Steps Jamie+ Marich, Ph. D., LPCC-S, REAT joins Allen and Thom this week to talk about her body of work, field of study and pursuit of emotional sobriety. We pay special attention to the trauma surrounding loss, since all trauma work involves grief work. Learn more about Dr. Marich: www.redefinetherapy.com www.instituteforcreativemindfulne...

Thom, Joe, and Patrick read from the Beyond Belief daily reflections about where emotional sobriety can come in when we’re struggling to tolerate opposing beliefs and challenging personalities. Emotional sobriety requires not only respect for ourselves, but respect for others.   Patrick’s “Outside Issues” podcast, about the intersection of recovery and social justice: https://www.youtube.com/@outs...

Joe Chisholm returns to discuss helping others through suggestion, not “expertise.” Emotional sobriety can help us escape a “victim mentality” we must shed to become the best version of ourselves. We use the term “victim” delicately, taking into account genuine sufferers of abuse and victimization. Whether one hour or twenty years sober, we’re all engaging with the same work and the same pursuit o...

Thom and Allen discuss pursuing emotional sobriety once we become aware of our “unconscious incompetence.” In practicing anything until it becomes innate and automatic, the path begins (as so much of what we do), in acceptance. We return to the serenity prayer.   Patrick’s “Outside Issues” podcast, about the intersection of recovery and social justice: https://www.youtube.com/@outsideissuespodcast...

Having recently celebrated 40 years of continuous sobriety, Bill Cleveland, a pillar in a multitude of recovery fellowships (namely Hermosa Beach Men’s Stag) discusses with Allen alcoholism as an analogue for emotional immaturity, AA as something we “get” to do rather than something we “have” to do, “second first steps,” the importance of amends and working with others.   If you’re in recovery or...

Superfriend Carol Carter returns to talk about a recent breakthrough in self-love, a welcome reminder that Emotional Sobriety is above all else a discovery of new possibilities.   Carol is accepting clients for executive and professional coaching, and can be contacted here: carolcartercoaching@gmail.com   Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here: https://rebelliondogspublishing....

We respond to criticisms leveled at a recent workshop: is Emotional Sobriety somehow alternative, even interruptive, of a faithful rigorous 12 Step program, or is it a complement to it? As always we try to get to the feeling beneath the compulsion, the “stuckness” that prevents us from reaching that fourth dimension. Allen, Thom, and Joe C. wore out their big books in their early days, but still k...

Carol Carter returns to the show to talk about letting go of her resentments towards her ex-husband. By freeing him, she freed herself. Many of us first veered off course in our largely unconscious emotional dependencies, creating a powerlessness and unmanageability on par with any other addiction. In emotional sobriety we learn to hold onto ourselves, in good times or bad.   Carol is accepting cl...