Divorce Dialogues

The parties in a litigated divorce spend years—and tens-of-thousands of dollars—preparing for a trial that is extremely unlikely to happen. This disconnect led to the development of mediation as an option, allowing divorcing couples to work toward settlement without spending unnecessary time and money in preparation for a trial that will never come to fruition. Are there other myths and misconcept...

Alexis Neely was going through an adversarial divorce settlement process. One evening in a hotel room, the weight of the conflict landed on her, and she prayed that a higher power would show her the way to resolution. In that moment, a very clear voice inside said, “Ask him what he needs to be safe, and give it to him.” Initially, Alexis resisted. Would her ex-husband take advantage of her generos...

Parental alienation is a high-stakes game with serious, long-term consequences for the children involved. When a child is manipulated into showing unwarranted fear or hostility toward the targeted parent and used as a pawn in one parent’s agenda against the other, it alters their sense of reality and normalizes deceit in the context of relationships. What causes a parent to put their child in this...

‘We are emotionally wired to avoid conflict. People sometimes have to be forced to—or have to be encouraged or coached to—and the prenup provides that opportunity because you really do have to sit down, roll up your sleeves, and start talking about what’s important to you.’ Mindy Utay is a psychotherapist in practice on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Her background in the law, social work, and psych...

When emotions are running high in the divorce process, it is not uncommon for people to amplify their concerns over an ex-spouse’s ability to parent. In some cases, those concerns might lead to allegations of child abuse and neglect. What is the right course of action when you suspect an ex-spouse of substance abuse or mental health issues? What can you do to ensure the health and safety of your c...

In working with divorcing clients, family lawyers develop both legal and financial strategy. But there is a third element to the ‘triad of divorce’—the family. How can we support lawyers in gathering the information they need in the area of child custody? How can we make divorce child-centric and support families in making a fluid transition? How can we put the ‘family’ back in family law? Dr. Eri...

With the Bipartisan Budget Act of 2015, lawmakers closed the loophole that allowed a worker to file for social security benefits and then suspend payments—while his or her partner collected the spousal benefit. How might these changes impact your social security benefits? How can you maximize the amount you receive from the government? And how are social security benefits calculated in the first p...

Divorce is a difficult emotional journey, regardless of the circumstances. But in most cases, the divorcing partners are in very different places along that journey. The person leaning out has likely been thinking about ending the marriage for a long time, while the other is a bit of a ‘deer in headlights’ and needs time to catch up emotionally. What role can a divorce coach play in helping the co...

The vast majority of divorcing couples who choose litigation do so due to the misconception that the courts will protect them. The fact is, 97% of divorce cases in New York settle before they go to trial, and the judge is in no position to protect the 3% that do. The Honorable Sondra Miller spent 21 years in the court system, and she contends that divorcing couples are much better served by altern...

‘[The conflict] was so contentious on a regular basis, there was no room for the children—and that’s the danger.’ The sad truth is that divorcing parents embroiled in conflict are often so wrapped up in their own pain that they fail to protect their children. This was true for Janet, an adult child of divorce who continues to feel the impact of the tension, hostility and destruction that marked th...

Divorce can bring out sides of ourselves we didn’t know were there. Depression is common, as is rage. And many divorcing couples are surprised by these feelings of extreme anger or sadness and isolation. The question becomes, how do you process these emotions and deal with them in a healthy way? Elana Katz is a psychotherapist and collaborative divorce professional based in Manhattan. She also ser...

In 1990, Minneapolis divorce attorney Stu Webb was burned out and ready to call it a day. He had been practicing family law for 26 years, and he was done with the adversarial nature of litigation. Stu had a plan to quit his law practice, but he decided to quit ‘outrageously’ and try something completely different—working WITH the other lawyer toward a settlement for the divorcing couple. The conce...

We’re taught that forgiveness is good for us, that it’s what good people do. But if you’ve experienced betrayal or hurt and the responsible party demonstrates little remorse, forgiveness may seem impossible. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring would argue that acceptance is a viable alternative to forgiveness, allowing you to stop obsessing over the injury, get healthy and heal. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring is a...

You may have guessed that the tone of the mediation process is very different from that of litigation, but you may or may not realize that a couple can makes use of more than one process choice during the course of a divorce. Barbara and her ex-husband, Alan, used a mediator to design a parenting plan, and the process was both cost-effective and peaceful. But when it came time to deal with the unr...

Parents are often wary of the role of a child specialist in the divorce process. They don’t want to put their children in a difficult position, and the divorcing couple may be under the mistaken impression that the child specialist is there to do a forensic evaluation and make custody recommendations. Rather, it is the job of a child specialist to empower the children in the collaborative process,...

Though the details are different, most couples argue about the same old issues: Money. Sex. Household responsibilities. But the true root of the problem stems from the feelings of hurt that inspire a defensive reaction and perpetuate a destructive cycle of conflict. So, how do you stop the fight? Is there a better way to respond to hurt that will allow you and your partner to engage in solving the...

Divorce often means being thrust into a series of financial decisions that you may or may not feel prepared to make. And if divorce has brought you sudden wealth, financial professionals are likely crawling out of the woodwork to offer their services. How do you choose the right advisor for you? What resources are available to help you learn the basics of investing? What are some of the common cha...

According to the Economic Policy Institute, nearly half of families in the US have no retirement savings at all, and the failure to set money aside for the future ranks as the number one financial regret among Americans. So what if you are counting on receiving spousal benefits through social security, but your marriage ends in divorce? Can you still collect the spousal share? How long should you...

Parents just don’t understand. But neither do adult children! If you have concerns about keeping an aging parent safe, you may be tempted to take over and start making the decisions for them. But Barbara Newman-Mannix argues that there are ways to compromise on common sense solutions that afford your parents their autonomy AND ensure their well-being. Barbara is the founder of A Dignified Life, a...

Process choice can be tricky. Most of us would like to avoid the courtroom if at all possible, but how do mediation and collaboration work? How do you determine which divorce model is right for your circumstances? And when is it appropriate to choose litigation? Melissa Goodstein has extensive experience in both mediation and the collaborative divorce process. She has been practicing mediation sin...

In a contentious divorce where the couple disagrees on issues of custody and visitation, the attorney for the child is responsible for representing the will of their child-client. How does this lawyer go about determining the child’s position? What resources do they have? And what advice do they have for divorcing parents who are moving toward litigation? Dawn Cardi is a partner at Cardi & Edg...

Though you may not like your ex all that much, your pet doesn’t harbor the same resentment. Yet our companion animals often get caught in the middle and end up being used as bargaining chips in a divorce settlement that doesn’t serve the people or the pets involved. Rather than taking the fight to court, where pets are viewed as property, mediation serves as a more appropriate alternative—an alter...

Money is so much more than a way to pay the bills. It’s how we judge ourselves and others. It represents power and control. For a divorcing couple, uncertainty around finances and a sense of mistrust complicate the process. Enter the financial neutral, a professional who serves to uncover the economic reality of a given situation and establish trust, thereby changing the tenor of the conversation...

How do you know when you’re ready to start dating again? If you’re recently separated or divorced, you may be questioning whether or not it’s the right time to try to meet someone new. And even if you are emotionally prepared to start dating, you may have questions about how the scene has changed since the last time you were single and how exactly to navigate the brave new world of online dating…...

“The magic, for me, about Collaborative [Divorce] and the reason why I’ve seen it work is because in the process itself, that idea of being heard and understood about what matters to you—what do you want—is front and center.” Abby Rosmarin is a member of the Mediation and Arbitration Practice Group with the firm McCarthy Fingar and a coach in the collaborative divorce process, drawing on her exper...