DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better

“If the opportunity presents itself, you can always go for the shoe poo.” The panel of peril dash to the bathroom with a glass and a saltshaker, making themselves a wonderful briney drink, before sitting down to watch this week’s film Casino Royale (Martin Campbell, 2006). James Bond (Daniel Craig) is just starting out his career as a 00 agent. His first mission is to track down the money being wa...

“So how would you answer the question 'has this woman been here?'" "...No." Good afternoon. The panel of peril surround themselves with stuffed birds of prey, and make a sandwich to eat whilst watching this week’s film Psycho (Alfred Hitchcock, 1960). Marion Crane (Janet Leigh) has been a bit of a silly billy. Stealing $40,000 from her employer before hightailing it across country, she is in a rig...

“It’s like a tw@!ty English version of the can-can” The panel of peril hold their flintlock pistols outwards ready to fire when instructed, which could happen at any point during this week’s film Barry Lyndon (Stanley Kubrick, 1975). The Kingdom of Ireland – 1750: Redmond Barry (Ryan O’Neal) is a young whelp whose infatuation with his cousin leads to him having to flee his town, setting off a seri...

“Buffy The Empire Slayer” The panel of peril sit on a sofa as it slowly lowers into a steamy hole in the ground. Once they re-emerge you see that they are encased in carbonite to watch this week’s film Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (Irvin Kershner, 1980). The continuing adventures of Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) and Han Solo (Harrison Ford), see them try to outr...

“I’ve never considered what the plural of rectum is before now” The panel of peril sit down in the cinema to watch this week’s film before getting sucked off into the film and then being inside the film. That film? Last Action Hero (John McTiernan, 1993), of course! Young Danny (Austin O’Brien) is something of a cinephile, and his favourite series – Jack Slater – is poised to release its fourth in...

"I'm just wondering, has any of the Panel of Peril ever stayed in a cabin in the woods?" "My sister's been to Center Parks" The panel of peril laugh hysterically at a mounted deer’s head, then a lamp, then sit on a rocking chair to watch this week’s film, Evil Dead 2 (Sam Raimi, 1987). The chair collapses. Ash (Bruce Campbell) is heading into his second day in a haunted, secluded cabin in the wood...

“It’s peak 1980s neon future vision” The panel of peril spray black paint across their eyes and cartwheel over to the sofa to take in a viewing of this week’s film, Blade Runner: The Final Cut (Ridley Scott, 1980/2017). Deckard (Harrison Ford) is the titular runner, tasked with hunting down four artificial lifeforms known as Replicants. Led by the charismatic Batty (Rutger Hauer), the Replicants m...

“Have you ever seen a man who’s been hit by the brown note?” The panel of peril are wearing sunglasses indoors, but that does not impair the viewing experience for this week’s opus The Blues Brothers (John Landis, 1980). Jake (John Belushi) and Elwood (Dan Aykroyd) are on a mission from God. A mission to raise $5000 for the orphanage that they grew up in, by any means possible. Featuring music leg...

“Oh he’s not a giggler. He’s a very serious boy” The panel of peril stand back and admire their collection of Arnold Vosloo DVDs before popping The Mummy (Stephen Sommers, 1999) into their PS2. Rick (Brendan Fraser), Evelyn (Rachel Weisz) and Jonathan (John Hannah) are on the hunt for the buried treasures of Hamunaptra but fail to take account of the dangers ahead. Ancient mummy Imhotep (played by...

“Here comes Chekov’s sack!” The panel of peril scrub themselves down with a wire brush and bleach having already watched this week’s film, Audition (Takashi Miike, 1999). Shigeharu Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) is a single parent with his own, successful, film production company. He is also extremely lonely. Knowing this, his friend Yasuhisa arranges for a film audition to double as an interview process...

“He’s got quite a punchable face” The panel of peril jump onto the dance mat at their local arcade, kicking some major butt, before relaxing at home with their best gal (not even holding hands) and watching this week’s film Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (Edgar Wright, 2010). Scott (Michael Cera) is a young roustabout who has a band named Sex Bob-omb and high school girlfriend named Knives Chau (Elle...

“I see myself as a bit more fruity. I'm not a macho guy, wondering where my testicles have gone. I still know where they are” The panel of peril pick up an excessively large ball of popcorn from a bowl on their kitchen table. They chisel off a portion-sized amount, and dive onto the couch to watch this week’s film Gentlemen Broncos (Jared Hess, 2009). Benjamin Purvis (Michael Angarano) is a young...

“Hey, I’ve got some plums. Let’s go down to KFC” The panel of peril take a quick break from the important business of smashing up a small pile of rocks using a big bone to watch this week’s film. Yes, it’s the proverbial good science fiction film, 2001: A Space Odyssey (Stanley Kubrick, 1968). Since the dawn of time man has wanted to destroy the moon. But when an ancient, unknowable, mysterious bl...

“He’s like someone who can see their dinner coming a mile away” The panel of peril receive a phone call from an old friend and feel the fog of memories lost clear from their minds. Settling into a long flight home, they turn on this week’s film IT (Tommy Lee Wallace, 1990). The Losers are a group of ordinary kids, they like messing around in the woods, telling jokes, and being bullied by a bunch o...

“Do you know who gives you good production values? God, that’s who” The panel of peril walk solemnly through a small, prosaically-named town, before being accosted by a surly local sheriff. He takes us down the nick, locks us in a cell, throws away the key, but does leave us with a copy of this week’s film, First Blood (Ted Kotcheff, 1982), for company. John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone), devastated...

“Delegation – that’s what you need” The panel of peril dance a jig around their bedroom to some ‘heavy metal’, jump in an incredibly bubbly bath, before heading down to the beach to watch a special screening of The Lost Boys (Joel Schumacher, 1987). When the Emerson family (Michael, played by Jason Patric; Sam, played by Corey Haim; and Lucy, played by Dianne Wiest) moves to Santa Carla they set a...

“Physics should prevent that popcorn from staying in his mouth” The panel of peril hole up in deserted, isolated cottage in the dead of night, put their sausages away (meaning intestines, you dirty sods), and stick the box on to watch England vs Germany… I mean Dog Soldiers (Neil Marshall, 2002). A small group of soldiers, led by Cooper (Kevin McKidd) and Wells (Sean Pertwee), are sent on a traini...

“Liberty X Marks The Spot” The panel of peril park their Lexus, remove their string back leather gloves (worn for that bit of extra purchase) and settle down on the banquette to watch this week’s film Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (Declan Lowney, 2013). When world famous local radio DJ Alan Partridge’s (Steve Coogan) radio station is taken over by a media conglomerate it sets in motion a chain of eve...

“All things considered, I won’t be dressing up as The Matrix for Halloween anytime soon” Waking up from an impromptu early evening nap at their work desk, the panel of peril are alarmed to find their computer seeming to type out words of its own accord. Those words? “Settle in and watch this week’s film The Matrix (The Wachowskis, 1999).” Woah. Thomas Anderson (Keanu Reeves) is a workaday office d...

“Sorry, Cameron. We don’t have the budget for bras” The panel of peril perform the necessary preparations before their date with a beeeeyootiful blonde; for they are taking their beau to see a movie – this week’s movie There’s Something About Mary (Bobby and Peter Farrelly, 1998). Mary (Cameron Diaz) is a bachelorette in high demand, particularly from brief high school flame Ted (Ben Stiller). Whe...

“I like how horny Hercules is” The panel of peril return home from a voyage across the seven seas, wearied by battle against foes both human and… inhuman – skeletons and wotnot. Just after putting a big wash on for all their travel clothes, they settle in to watch this week’s film Jason And The Argonauts (Don Chaffey, 1963). Jason (Todd Armstrong) and his merry band of Argonauts are sent on a peri...

“Hackers do not apostrophize” The panel of peril dust off their leathers, straddle the cheap motorbike they’ve been painstakingly restoring, and speed through the cold winter’s night, homeward. Once they’ve warmed up with a hot toddy, they stick on this week’s film The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (David Fincher, 2011). Disgraced journalist Mikkael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) takes on a decades old my...

“It’s like murder Pringles” The panel of peril put on a pair of comically unwieldy magnifying-style glasses, shriek in the face of danger and down tools to view this week’s movie Sleepy Hollow (Tim Burton, 1999). Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp) has been summoned to the sleepy Dutch settlers town of Sleepy Hollow to investigate a series of murders by decapitation. The locals headed up by Baltus Van Tas...

“They got Orson Welles to do the farts” The panel of peril adjust their codpieces, lacquer their hair profusely, and settle down with our goblin lackeys to watch this week’s film Labyrinth (Jim Henson, 1986). Sarah Williams (Jennifer Connelly) is a young woman who lives in somewhat of a fantasy world. And by that, I mean that she dresses up as a medieval princess down at her local park. Her parent...

“Oooooh, dinosaurs!” The panel of peril slow their day glo off road vehicle first to a crawl, then to a stop before removing their sunglasses and staring in awe at this week’s film, Jurassic Park (Steven Spielberg, 1993). John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) has created the unthinkable, a park populated by long extinct dinosaurs, and invited several experts along before the grand opening. Alan Gran...