DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better

“Is homunculus a verb?” Wandering absent mindedly into a local shop, the panel of peril become quite concerned as one of the proprietors begins to strip naked whilst the other rants at them about having been in a war. They are summarily tied to a stake and told to watch this week’s film The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse (Steve Bendelack, 2005). World’s collide as The League of Gentlemen (Mark G...

“Once women everywhere are empowered, it would be time to bring in the rent boys” One by one the panel of peril change up their weapon set as they engage in a life or death four way dual, as they smash and slice each armament to pieces in turn. The only thing that breaks their furious combat is a swift two hour viewing of this week’s film, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (Ang Lee, 2000). Jade Fox (...

“Doesn’t matter, badgers are infinite” The panel of peril all arrive home at the same time, Craig narrowly avoiding being run over by Gaz pulling his car into the garage, and dive onto their couch (and then something funny happens). Then they stick on this week’s film, The Simpsons Movie (David Silverman, 2007). Springfield has become the most polluted town in the US and special measures will have...

“I’d feel vulnerable in little pants and a vest” The panel of peril wake up from hypersleep (normal sleep really), cough for absolutely ages, have a quick brekkie, and stick on Ridley Scott’s 1979 classic Alien. The Nostromo mining ship is on its return journey to Earth when it intercepts a distress beacon form LV 426. But Dallas (Tom Skerritt), Brett (Harry Dean Stanton), Parker (Yaphet Kotto) an...

“We had a wonderful conversation. Please don’t print it in the newspapers that I got mad” The panel of peril sanitise their hands, walk out of the hospital that they’ve been visiting a badly burned acquaintance in, and thank the staff for all of their hard work. Because we support the NHS. And the Postal workers, heck all of Britain’s workforce! Once home, the panel grab a glass of blackcurrant sq...

“Wes Anderson uses the power of symmetry to travel through time and space” The panel of peril square up to one another all of a sudden, snarl, and flap their arms around whilst saying things like “Cuss you!” “Cuss me! Cuss you.” Things soon de-escalate though, they are friends after all, and they take a pew to watch Wes Anderson’s Roald Dahl’s Fantastic Mister Fox (2009). Foxy (George Clooney) is...

“Well, you’ve blown my toy” The panel of peril run screaming around the house like a bunch of absolute little monsters amongst an army of siblings and extended family. It is, to be honest, an absolute nightmare. Fortunately they have the respite of settling in to watch a Boxing Day treat in the form of 1990’s Home Alone! Kevin McCallister (Macauley Culkin) is just an ordinary kid: he likes plain p...

“Breaking her down mentally,” “Like Craig does with porridge” The panel of peril arrive for their annual Christmas party, meet the office coke fiend, argue with their estranged wife, and then settle in to watch the first of our Christmas films of the year: John McTiernan’s 1988 classic Die Hard. John McClane (Bruce Willis) is a New York cop visiting his estranged wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia) at her...

“Give them a genetically engineered giant conker” The panel of peril awaken in their massive new blue alien bodies and go for a joyous run through a bioluminescent jungle before settling in to watch James Cameron’s Avatar (2009). When paraplegic Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is tasked with inserting his consciousness into an alien avatar body on the moon of Pandora he does his duty. That duty is to...

“Drink blood out of Gandhi’s head” The panel of peril awaken to find that the pilots of their small prop plane have left them in the lurch, hop in a rapid inflating dinghy, and glide to the safety of a tumultuous river, landing in a small Indian village just in time to watch this week’s film Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)! Uncannily, this exact series of events also befalls Indy (Harr...

“Just like Lloyd Christmas in his dreams” The panel of peril valmorphanize their gondola into a very slim car, straighten their ties, cock their eyebrows suggestively, and then take in a viewing of this week’s film Moonraker! Moonraker (1979), directed by Lewis Gilbert, find Roger Moore’s James Bond locked in a game of wits with Hugo Drax (Michael Lonsdale) when a Moonraker space shuttle is stolen...

“Mama Fratelli as played by Rip Torn” The panel of peril activate some sort of Rube Goldberg device, put on a hard-wearing pair of boots that are ideal for spelunking (or so the Littlewoods catalogue description said), then settle in to watch the first film of season 2, The Goonies! The Goonies features an all-star cast of child stars (Josh Brolin, Sean Astin, Ke Huy Quan, Corey Feldman) on the hu...

“You slaggin’ me?” The panel of peril stand side by side, stare into the bathroom mirror whilst having a group shave and DO NOT say Candyman five times because that would be very silly indeed. Instead, they finish shaving, towel off the excess moisture from their faces and sit down to watch Nia DaCosta’s legacy sequel to Candyman… Candyman! Candyman (2021) finds local artist Anthony McCoy (Yahya A...

“Catching blood in a Snap, Crackle and Pop bowl” The panel of peril throw themselves in front of a gunman during a prison escape, get bundled into a high-tech plane, transported to the hidden nation of Wakanda, and upon waking go “Buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” They then watch the MCU’s Black Panther before trying to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film an...

“The teeth in the opening segment look very good for a 1970s teeth” The panel of peril apply their collective lippy, pull on some fishnets, pour a load of food colouring (or something) into a bath and somehow create human (?) life! After which they relax by watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show before trying to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film...

“Like some macabre beaver” The panel of peril crack their knuckles revealing just how ruddy tattooed those very joints are: LOVE? HATE? Yes, that’s what they say, can you believe it? Then they watch Night of the Hunter before trying to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod. Night of the Hunter (1955) is film actor Charles Laughto...

“This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps” The panel of peril open a container of half and half, give it a sniff, then settle in to watch Joel and Ethan Coen’s The Big Lebowski. Afterwards they plan on lighting fire to a big old doobie and inhaling the smoke before trying to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod....

“The Departed. Let’s talk about The Departed.” The panel of peril pause, after watching The Departed, for a moment; Craig double crosses Gaz, Ben double crosses Craig, and Adam double crosses Ben. What a pickle! However will they get on the same page to then try to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod? I should make clear that t...

“Is Mickey Mouse really a Communist?” The panel of peril hold back their baser urges, stop playing pattycake, pull down the bed hidden in the wall of their small office and lay down to watch this week’s film Who Framed Roger Rabbit. We then try to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod. Who Framed Roger Rabbit sees the titular car...

“Odmazdata is better than ice cream, unlike pasta” The panel of peril take their place in some large comfy swivel chairs, place their chin on their fist and engage(!) with 1982’s Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. We then try to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod. Wrath of Khan sees the return of one of The Original Series’ most...

“Full of holes like fleshy Swiss cheese in a pool of ruby red fondue” The panel of peril turn off their Elk Rotary lawnmower, crack open a Penn Pavel’s Beer and settle in to watch 1998’s The Truman Show. We then try to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod. The Truman Show was a bizarrely prescient satire released just before the...

“This is just like a dark Look Who’s Talking ” The panel of peril are comin’ for ya like Elora as we travel to a magical land to chat about 1988’s Willow. We then try to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod. Willow was George Lucas’s major foray into the world of fantasy as he produced and has a story credit on Ron Howard’s film...

“You can’t just cast Jack Lemmon in everything” The panel of peril alight one of those special cinema buses that I’ve just invented to watch and then chat about 1994’s Speed. We then try to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod. Speed was one of the breakout hits of ’94 and established both Keanu Reeves as an action star, and dir...

“It’s ephemeral, you can’t touch it” The panel of peril know what’s up, and what’s up is having a good old chinwag about The Invisible Man from nouveau horror maestro Leigh Whannell. We then try to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod. Released in 2020, The Invisible Man retools HG Wells literary classic for the modern age as a...

“Does it pass mustard?” Removing their tiny hands from the Washington Veterans’ Memorial, the panel of peril valmorphanise to their landmark bases to discuss Team America: World Police. We then try to improve upon the villain’s diabolical plan for the honour of choosing next week’s film and hosting the pod. Released in 2004, Team America takes satirical aim at the culture of celebrities interjecti...