DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better

“It’s the Caesar’s Palace of that particular planet” The panel of peril knit themselves a multi-coloured scarf, put on the scarf and watch this week’s film, Dr. Who And The Daleks (Gordon Flemyng, 1965), whilst being uncomfortably hot in the scarf. Eccentric inventor Dr. Who (Peter Cushing) has just invented a contabulous fabtraption named TARDIS. A jolly complicated machine that can travel throug...

“If it makes sense like I think it makes sense in my head, then we’re onto a winner” The panel of peril place their bets on their praying mantis of choice, watch it get roundly battered by its mantis opponent, and then stick on this week’s film Enter The Dragon (Robert Clouse, 1973). Lee (Bruce Lee) is a highly proficient martial artist and disciple of Shaolin. He is yet to encounter a man he can...

“Why don't you poke your little noodle through 'em then?” The panel of peril take a glug from a spectacularly large cup of coffee, admire an oversized map of Atlantic City, and focus their gigantic heads on a screen showing this week’s film So I Married An Axe Murderer (Thomas Schlamme, 1993). Charlie (Mike Myers) is a footloose/fancy-free young chap who has a serious problem with making romantic...

“Greggs sausage roll, that's the British donut isn't it” Venturing up into the attic to retrieve some Christmas decorations, the panel of peril get quite the fright: a television that is showing this week’s film Black Christmas (Bob Clark, 1974). In an unnamed sorority house, Jess (Olivia Hussey), Barb (Margot Kidder), Mrs. Mac (Marian Waldman) et al have a Christmas they will never forget. They r...

“$60 million on quiche?!” The panel of peril complete their naked tai chi session, have a quick wash around the key areas, and watch this week’s film Die Hard 2 (Renny Harlin, 1990). How can the same stuff happen to the same panel two years in a row? John McClane (Bruce Willis) just wants a quiet Christmas with his wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia), but a bunch of criminal types have other ideas. Led by...

“Is Vienetta Italian?” The panel of peril take a break from slamming each other’s heads inside the fridge door over and over and over again to watch this week’s film: Guest House Paradiso (Adrian Edmondson, 1999). Richie Twat (Rik Mayall) and Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba (Edmondson) run perhaps the worst guest house on our fair isle. It’s dark, dingy, they’ll steal your belongings, insult you, feed...

“The Antiques Roadshow of terrorism” The panel of peril don their sharpest suit, take a swig of a vodka martini (shaken not stirred) and sit nonchalantly to watch this week’s film Tomorrow Never Dies (Roger Spottiswoode, 1997). James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) has got his work cut out for him this time around as he locks horns with weedy media mogul Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce). There’s something dis...

“He is a bit of a patsy. He’s a little b!tch” The panel of peril settle down with a delicious-looking, open topped, fried egg sandwich to watch this week’s cinematic treat Studio Ghibli’s Castle In The Sky (Hayao Miyazaki, 1986). Sheeta (Anna Paquin) and Pazu (James Van Der Beek) are two young rapscallions on the hunt for the adventure, primarily centred around Sheeta’s mysterious crystal necklace...

“The story of forbidden love between a bee and a human woman” The panel of peril bleach their hair, pump some iron, and get harangued onto a space rocket heading for the distant planet of Mongo! Fortunately, the in-flight movie is Flash Gordon (Mike Hodges, 1980), so there’s that. Flash (Sam Jones) has it all: hair, muscles, tight t-shart – but when he and erstwhile companion Dale (Melody Anderson...

“It made me bored of sex” Laughing at nothing in particular, the panel of peril sit down in overly dramatic fashion to watch this week’s cinematic tour de force The Room (Tommy Wiseau, 2003). Johnny (Wiseau) is such a great guy. Such a great, great guy. He’s going to get a promotion for sure, everyone loves him, his lovemaking technique is top class, and he’s superb at football. But ungrateful har...

“Your eardrums are going to be sh!tting themselves” The panel of peril take a well-earned break from romancing a wealthy old dear, in order to be gifted a large cheque, naturally, and relax by watching this week’s film The Producers (Mel Brooks, 1967). Max Bialystock (Zero Mostel) is a producer of the stage whose glory days are far behind him. His rent is in arrears and his main source of income c...

“He'd be a YouTube prankster now wouldn't he. Instead of a serial killer” Pulling the blank featureless mask over their face, the Panel of Peril breath in deeply and out deeper. They consider picking up a kitchen knife, but instead plump for a DVD of this week’s film, John Carpenter’s Halloween (1978). Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) is an outlier among her group of high school friends. She has n...

“Everyone likes a comic on the bog” The panel of peril dress entirely in green, mutter something about being afraid of something or something, and strap themselves into the Ludovico chair to watch Green Lantern (Martin Campbell, 2011). Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is your standard authority-bucking, secretly fearful, movie fighter pilot. His relationship with childhood friends Carol (Blake Lively) a...

“Although he kills his wife in quite a horrible way, he seems like a nice guy to me” The Panel of Peril take a break from polishing their telescope: they’ve been going at it hard and their forearms are sore. In that downtime they take in the film of the week: Body Double (Brian De Palma, 1984). Jake (Craig Wasson) is a down on his luck actor. His role as a vampire in a B movie is threatened by his...

“What if a shark got in here and went mad?” The Panel of Peril abandon their dinghy and run out of the sea screaming at the top of their of their collective lungs! They have an appointment to keep with this week’s film and do not want to be late! Yes, this week they are watching Jaws (Steven Spielberg, 1975). Chief Brody (Roy Scheider) thinks he’s in for a quiet life as the head of police on the s...

“Have we learnt nothing from the history of geology?” The Panel of Peril rise from their slumber on the living chair, shirtless, and scream at their neighbours to turn that ruddy music down! They have a guest panellist in legendary comedy writer David Quantick (Harry Hill’s TV Burp, The Thick Of It, Danger Mouse, Veep et al), and a film to watch: Indiana Jones and The Dial of Destiny (James Mangol...

“I know that your Snicket is quite lemony” The Panel of Peril go in, guns ablazin’, taking out bad guy after bad guy before arriving at the final boss: a television screen showing this week’s film The Expendables 2 (Simon West, 2012). A truly all-star cast – including Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jet Li and Scott Adkins – assemble,...

“Tumbling down a hole of regret” The panel of peril sailed to sea, but got bored, and so they sailed on to the sun 'til they found a sea of green and they lived beneath the waves in their yellow submarine. Once there they watched this week’s film Yellow Submarine (George Dunning, 1968). John Lennon (John Clive), Paul McCartney (Geoff Hughes), George Harrison (Paul Angelis) and Ringo Starr (also Pa...

“They must have sent a camel turd into space and frozen it, surely?” The panel of peril ride frantically across a field on horseback throwing a blu ray from rider to rider. A final desperate lunge sees them insert it into a player in order to watch this week’s film Zack Snyder’s Justice League (Zack Snyder, 2021). Batman (Ben Affleck), Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), Aquaman (Jason Momoa), Cyborg (Ray F...

“He likes his omelette empty” The panel of peril put on a black shirt, black suit, black tie, black shoes, and black sunglasses before settling in to watch the film of the week Grosse Pointe Blank (George Armitage, 1997). Martin (John Cusack) is a professional hitman who likes to keep things simple; no friends, acquaintances, or company meetings on his agenda thank you very much. So when fellow hi...

“Still optimistic aren't they, not trudging off, like Charlie Brown, saying "this time next year...", like Del Boy” The panel of peril alight their small scooter and nearly freeze to death on the journey they are required to make in order to watch this week’s film Dumb And Dumber (Peter Farrelly, 1994). Harry (Jeff Daniels) and Lloyd (Jim Carrey) are two best friends with a dream of opening a pet...

“1982 also spawned other babies in the form of films” The panel of peril outrun some weird crab beetles, wade through a thick bog, and dive over a fiery precipice… to their couch to watch this week’s film, the first of season 4, The Dark Crystal (Jim Henson & Frank Oz, 1982). Jen (Jim Henson/Stephen Garlick) is the only creature of his kind, a Gelfling. Not only that, but he is the hero prophe...

"Dr Philip Decker is a respected psychiatrist who has been leading a double life..." "- Double Decker!" The panel of peril die before being swiftly resurrected on the mortuary slab. They then go to an underground town named Midian. They then watch this week’s film Nightbreed: The Director’s Cut (Clive Barker, 1990/2014). Aaron Boone (Craig Sheffer) is a young man plagued by dreams of monsters resi...

“You are my number one guy – tickle me!” Removing a grappling gun from their utility belt(s) before aiming and shooting it skyward, the panel of peril zip up to an overhead gantry to watch this week’s film Batman (Tim Burton, 1989). Batman (Billy Crystal/Michael Keaton) is emerging from the shadows of Gotham City as conspiracy theories about him find their way into the news. Gotham’s police force...

“Sipping from a space-china teacup” The Panel of Peril make comment about being a leaf on the wind or somesuch prior to being skewered by a large wooden pole directly through the chest. In their death throes they just about have time to watch this week’s film Serenity (Joss Whedon, 2005). Mal (Nathan Fillion), Zoe (Gina Torres) and Wash (Alan Tudyk) run the good ship Serenity. Also aboard is traum...