DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better

“If you’ve got a better way to do it, I’d like to hear it” The panel of peril are dancing down the street stark naked, with only conveniently placed every-day items covering their ghoulies and that. They got the idea, and carefully choreographed it, from this week’s film Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (Jay Roach, 1997). This week, they are joined by Craig from Whit’s The Script podcas...

“Like an alien Kinder Egg” The panel of peril are playing chess in the park with their father and losing badly, very sad. They are interrupted by an enormous screen descending from the heavens covering the city that they are currently in in its entirety. Fortunately, the giant screen is showing this week’s film Independence Day (Roland Emmerich, 1996). Huzzah! Steven Hiller (Will Smith), David Lev...

“Ya been cream pied” The panel of peril are out shooting some hoops, only stopping to berate their teammates for their lack of reflexes and general playing skill. Giving up they retire to the indoor communal area to watch this week’s film One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (Milos Forman, 1975). McMurphy (Jack Nicholson) is a ne’er-do-well with a cunning scheme to serve out the remainder of his prison...

“Tia Carrera’s career was ruined by Tia Maria” Sweaty-browed and cramped of hand, the Panel of Peril draw furiously in real-time each and every frame of this week’s film Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (Bruce Timm and Eric Radomski, 1993). Soon they shall break for a feast of marshmallows; they have earned it. Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy) has lived with the trauma of his parents’ death since he was a y...

“She had the longest neck in the history of actors” The Peril of Peril arrive in Los Angeles, bright eyed and bushy-tailed. Everyone loves them because they’re brilliant, and they make fast friends with an amnesiac who tells them to watch this week’s film Mulholland Drive (David Lynch, 2001). A Cowboy watches them as they watch the film. Betty (Naomi Watts) is an actress who is sure to feature on...

“Talladega Nights gets a lot better after you've seen Rise of Skywalker, that's for sure” The Panel of Peril run and gun all your favourite film and video games characters in one fluid motion, before removing their VR headset in order to watch this week’s film. That film is Ready Player One (Steven Spielberg, 2018), and they are joined by Kevin and Jason from KJ & A Podcast! Wade Watts (Tye Sh...

“It’s like a meet-cute for two people who already met some time ago” The Panel of Peril go to the travel agents to book themselves a lovely holiday. Their conditions for travel are thus: nice weather, entertainment provided by British reggae band, and strictly no terrorists. While the agent searches for the ideal trip, they watch this week’s film Speed 2: Cruise Control (Jan De Bont, 1997). Peerin...

“Mr. Bond, you appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season” The Panel of Peril saunter through a small mining town in their fancy BMW, before being inexplicably arrested for not stopping at an intersection. Swiftly tried and convicted, they are sentenced to watch this week’s movie Nothing But Trouble (Dan Aykroyd, 1991). They are joined in this gross punishment by this week’s guest,...

“Is he just horny?” The Panel of Peril climb a big ol’ mountain to claim a mythical prize to aid them in their epic quest. That prize is a DVD of this week’s film; that quest is to watch that DVD, which is this week’s film Krull (Peter Yates, 1983). Upon climbing back down the mountain, they are met well by this week’s guest panel member, Matt Spectro! Prince Colwyn (Ken Marshall) and Lyssa (Lyset...

“Surprise! Butcher’s hook up your nostril” The Panel of Peril start creepily speaking Latin, wield small, sharp weapons at one another, but thankfully stop short of gouging their own eyes out. They’ll be needing those to watch this week’s film Event Horizon (Paul WS Anderson, 1997). The crew of the Lewis & Clark are your typical blue-collar bunch. Miller (Laurence Fishburne), Starck (Joely Ric...

“That's what you get for inviting audience participation” The Panel of Peril slip out of their wet clothes and into a dry martini, before taking a pew to watch this week’s film The Man With The Golden Gun (Guy Hamilton, 1974). Has James Bond (Roger Moore) met his match in the charming, villainous and charmingly villainous Francisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee)? As the world’s best secret agent (th...

“You simply must introduce me to that pile of rats” The panel of peril down a big glass of red wine and eat a plate of delicious, steamed broccoli and roasted garlic before taking in this week’s film Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Francis Ford Coppola, 1992). Count Dracula (Gary Oldman) is an elderly gent rattling around in his large home, pining after his lost love Elisabeta (Winona Ryder). When solicito...

“A haiku?” Fighting their way past a load of goons, down a narrow corridor, the panel of peril struggle to make any headway. Finally finishing off the last of the lads (no laughing at the back there!), they slump in their chair exhausted and watch this week’s film Oldboy (Park Chan-wook, 2003). Oh Dae-su (Choi Min-sik) is a bit of a d-bag. A drunken, irresponsible, womanising d-bag, to be specific...

“Here lies Will Carling, the rugby guy who sh@gg3d Diana” The panel of peril try to wrangle their pigs into the pigpen but repeatedly fall over and get all muddy. They shower off at the water hole and decide to watch a film instead: Unforgiven (Clint Eastwood, 1992). 1880: Ex-outlaw Bill Munny (Eastwood) was a bad, bad man before settling down and becoming a family man. He’d happily off women and...

“He's not rump; he's tripe” The panel of peril finish inspecting the last of the cow’s udders on the farm they’re working on and head home to watch this week’s film Napoleon Dynamite (Jared Hess, 2004). Napoleon (Jon Heder) is a typical teen: he lives with his Grandma (Sandy Martin), brother Kip (Aaron Ruell), and an alpaca named Tina. He enjoys doing sweet jumps on bikes, sketching mythical creat...

“Can we all agree now that it makes more sense than Kurgan being Ric Flair in a carpark'” The panel of peril stand about a bit as a battle rages around them; no one will fight them for some reason. As they are clearly too ‘ard for the other combatants, they head home to watch this week’s film Highlander (Russell Mulcahy, 1986). Connor Macleod (Christopher Lambert) can only be killed by the act of...

“Sh!t happens, wocka wocka!” The panel of peril take a chunk a meat from the salt barrel, a tot of rum from the rum barrel, and a film from the DVD barrel. That film is Muppet Treasure Island (Brian Henson, 1996), and we settle in to watch with this week’s special guest Nemonie Craven! Jim Hawkins (Kevin Bishop) has in his possession a certain map. That map leads to a certain island. A treasure is...

“It’s a range war – you’re kicking that chimp to death” The panel of peril have just missed their bus and are stranded in the middle of a lonely, windy mountain range. Fortunately, there’s a creepy abandoned house nearby which they settle into to watch this week’s film Phenomena (Dario Argento, 1985). Jennifer (Jennifer Connelly) is an American girl currently taking residence at an all-girls schoo...

“You’re like a podcasting Nostradamus” The panel of peril are absolutely battering each other – limbs, teeth and shoes are flying hither and thither. They stop and think ‘actually this is awfully silly of us, let’s watch a film instead.’ And they do; this week’s treat The Night Comes For Us (Timo Tjahjanto, 2018). Ito (Joe Taslim) is a member of the elite Six Seas group who look after smuggling ro...

“I know you think of yourself as a Mark Wahlberg-type character” The panel of peril wipe the unsightly chunk of banana off the side of their mouth and slip into something more comfortable to watch this week’s film The Naked Gun (David Zucker, 1988). Police Squad’s finest, Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), is tasked with investigating an attack on Det. Nordberg (OJ Simpson) just as the city is exp...

“Where are The Beverly Hillbillies during this?” The panel of peril just about make it home, despite the banana up their tailpipe (fnar, fnar), in their battered old automobile. Just in time to check out this week’s film Beverly Hills Cop (Martin Brest, 1984). Detroit cop Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) is a streetwise, proverbial good cop who knows how to collar a perp. Unfortunately, his friend Mikey...

“You can only have one muppet in it – that’s a dealbreaker” The panel of peril put away their copy of Gun Owners Weekly, clean up, and settle down in the soft neon light of their oversized crucifix to watch this week’s film Se7en (David Fincher, 1995). Detectives Somerset (Morgan Freeman) and Mills (Brad Pitt) are the original chalk and cheese: one is a jaded, cynical veteran, the other a cocky, o...

“I know you're being light-hearted, but baguettes are way stronger than a sausage roll” ‘Are you not entertained!’ scream the panel of peril at their slack-jawed neighbours, wearing just a comical pair of white y-fronts. They are entertained; very much so. With that, they pick up their bottle of milk and head inside to watch this week’s film Gladiator (Ridley Scott, 2000). General Maximus (Russell...

“Magic Michael is my father. You can call me Magic Mike” The panel of peril roll 2 D20s, snake eyes. They roll again: snake eyes. They roll for a third time – snake eyes. The hell with this, they collectively groan and instead switch on this week’s film Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley, 2023). A merry band of thieves comprising bard Edgin (Chri...

“A heavy rain of chow mein” Does busting, as the old saying goes, make you feel good? The panel of peril are here to answer this question and much more besides as they take on this week’s film, Ghostbusters (Ivan Reitman, 1984). Peter (Bill Murray), Ray (Dan Aykroyd) and Egon (Harold Ramis) are three down on their luck university researchers of the paranormal. Just as all manner of ghostly activit...