Deliver The Profile

Here it is. The Season 12 finale. The penultimate installment of "Reid in Jail". The second to last time you'll hear the kickass Oz version of the theme. "Red Light" wraps up the Aubrey Plaza portion of the storyline and it involves impregnation, secret lesbianism and hallucinations to make a dramatic point aplenty. Aubrey Plaza deserves better. On the other hand, she did star in Mike & Dave Need...

We hit part 1 of the 2 part season finale of Season 12, "Green Light"! You know what that means: Reid in prison's end is in sight. Beyond that, the show wraps up the Calvin Shaw "storyline", Reid's mom is missing and the true mastermind behind all this stands revealed. But Ronnie and Jazz are much more interested in their guest this week, none other than Penis Alien Monster Figrin D'an of the Moda...

It's what you've been waiting for: the Walker focus episode! His friend, Hart Boechner, is in the hospital and it's up to our newest addition to the BAU to figure out what ails his buddy. What does it have to do with Walker's undercover work in Russia? Nothing, actually, but that won't prevent Criminal Minds from dousing you in unnecessary flashbacks in a bid to get some of that Americans heat. Me...

Shit rolls on in "True North", as there's...no fallout from what Reid did last episode and in place of repercussions are a jaunt down to Arizona where people have been tied to stakes, adorned with shock collars and...look, it's all very elaborate and stupid. We'll get to it. This episode introduces The Aggrieved Science Fair Loser: imagine Dr. Doom if he were more petty. Okay, now imagine the 2005...

The title says it all: "Hell's Kitchen" is about a tollbooth vampire who runs a tollbooth when he's not out vampiring. We've done a lot of dumb Criminal Minds episodes, but this is definitely top 3, alongside the autistic kid one and the sinkhole one. Ratboy from Sons of Anarchy transforms into BATBOY. Ronnie and Jazz nearly lose their minds with this one. It's a good podcast, that much can be ass...

No more Oz opening...for now! Yes, Deliver The Profile goes back to the before times when Reid was not in jail, just an ordinary FBI wunderkind. This time the case takes them to sunny who gives a shit, where two girls have been kidnapped. One of the fathers is more than he seems, and his daughter is played by Joe Mantegna's daughter. Why we decided to do this episode will make sense eventually. Ap...

In this shitpile we call an episode of Criminal Minds, somebody's killing poachers by day and breaking into homes and killing people by night. Could they be connected? Probably. In other news, Reid is still in prison. Niles and Frasier are hassling him, and it looks as though Reid's buddy Luis is not long for this world. Thank god there are only--SIX more parts? Jesus H. Crow.

Tatum O'Neal guest stars on this very special episode of Criminal Minds on this very routine episode of Deliver The Profile. "Assistance is Futile" takes the subversive tack of having a suspect's mother come in out of the blue to tell the team her son's the Bonecrusher they're looking for. Reid is still in prison, being bullied by Frasier and Niles while trying to keep his friend Luis from being m...

Ronnie and Jazz take a break from Reid in Prison to do a random Season 8 episode that isn't very good. Someone is abducting nannies, raping and burning them with cigarettes. There's a survivor but she won't help the BAU, so it's up to them to badger her into cooperating. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen. "Nanny Dearest" may not be great, but at least it doesn't have Reid getting pounded in the ass...

Criminal Minds takes on the incel epidemic with "Alpha Male". Someone is tossing acid in the faces of pretty people and it's up to CBS' pretty people to stop it. Meanwhile, Reid is still in jail and finds a new friend in Oz's Augustus Hill, because Reid is the most credulous motherfucker on the planet. Yep, it's garbage all the way down. At least Reid only has...seven more episodes?! Jesus.

Deliver The Profile's 2 month hiatus has ended...with a movie episode? Yes, Ronnie and Jazz are back to the movies, and what better choice than what amounts to a 93 minute Criminal Minds episode with slightly more gore? This of course refers to Spiral: From The Book of Saw, which contains no book of Saw nor much of anything else! Why is this a Saw movie? Why bring the director of Saw II-IV if you'...

It's a brand new story arc and that means for the first time there's a NEW THEME! Yes, Deliver The Profile is finally covering the interminable Reid in Prison arc. How many rape jokes will there be? Too many. As for the episode itself, it's about a guy who controls cars to hit people. Hence the title "Collision Course". This episode could've also gone by the title "Maximum Overdrive", because it's...

"Route 66"! This week's Criminal Minds is a bifurcated affair, with the team taking on a spree killer who's kidnapped his daughter (or has he?) while Aaron Hotchner fights for his life in a fantasy movie theatre populated by his dead wife and his greatest enemy. Get out your goldenrod pages, it's coma fantasy time!

"Pariahville" is about a murder in a community of people on the sex offender registry. Did one of the pervs do it or was it somebody else? Meanwhile, Lewis, that's Aisha Tyler's character, is made an offer she can or cannot refuse. It's a pretty stupid episode, but aren't they all? Ronnie and Jazz argue over what a "dude ranch" is in your week's Deliver The Profile.

Finally DTP returns to regular programming with a regular episode of Criminal Minds "starring" the antagonist from Shadow Wolves as the unsub. In "Blue Angel", someone is taking men and castrating them. What does this have to do with Simmons' attempts to get laid? Not much.

Ronnie and Jazz face the horrifying, inevitable reality that is the possible Criminal Minds reboot. This news ruined a cheeseburger, people.

Ronnie and Jazz convene an emergency session of the podcast to discuss the important Nicholas Brendon news.

Here it is. The Christmas show...in February. Don't worry, though, it is worth the wait. Shadow Wolves is the brainchild of an Islamophobic loser and the greatest film Steven Seagal never starred in. The Shadow Wolves consist of Native American trackers who seek to stop an Iranian from crossing the Mexican bomber to blow up a casino. Thomas Gibson plays the surly mustachioed chief. It's fucking in...

The boys are back to discuss Korean Criminal Minds episode 4, a pivotal part of the Northwestern serial murder case saga.

Ronnie and Jazz discuss "The Slave of Duty", aka the funeral episode of Criminal Minds. The cast says goodbye to Haley and pretends there's a chance Hotch will quit the team. It takes a good kicking for that to happen as history has proven. The boys discuss Ronnie's Hung Season 1 blu-ray and also devise alternate ways for Haley to be off the show without killing her.

Here we are, folks: the 100th episode. No, not of the podcast, silly. Don't you know how to read the ID3 tags? This week we're doing the 100th Criminal Minds, a landmark episode that asks the question: how much is a wife worth anyway? Not a whole lot more than some man pain and a beaten to death corpse, apparently. The Crim producers rolled out the red carpet as all your favorites are back: Tiny D...

The Reaper Saga is at its halfway point as we greet the return of The Fox, last seen in Season 1's "The Fox". "Outfoxed" is about our foxxy foe having an admirer whom the BAU must apprehend. Of course the podcast is barely about that, and is mainly about wrestling and Goofy's child rearing skills (or lack thereof). Be lucky you can listen to this episode, true believers: this one was almost lost t...

It's all about Boston in the Deliver The Profile covering "Omnivore", possibly the best episode of Criminal Minds. Wahlberg jokes, jokes about Boston's love of bigotry and Jameson abound.

Well, it finally happened: another show on the Korean version of Criminal Minds. Ronnie and Jazz poorly pronounce all sorts of names in Episode 3 of the 20 episode season, the Korean take on the Reaper saga. You'll notice the hosts have yet to cover the AMERICAN Reaper saga. Oops.

In "The Itch", a crazy guy thinks bugs are crawling under his skin. Cool, he's done drugs. This is the basis of an ENTIRE EPISODE of Criminal Minds, a Season 10 misfire that punches down on the fake disease afflicted. Ronnie explains members of the New Warriors to Jazz, they debate the existence of "silver foxes" and more fun stuff. Hey, it's the 175th episode of the podcast! What an accomplishmen...