Deliver The Profile

Because Ronnie is lazy, it's another Season 10 episode! This one, "X", is the premiere, and so we are introduced to Jennifer Love Hewitt of Ghost Whisperer fame. Will she distinguish herself from her colleagues or just be absorbed into the blob of bad dialogue and stiff characterization? I think you know the answer already.

"Scream"! Everybody "Scream"! That's the episode the podcast is covering today, and it's...[sigh]... about a guy who is trying to record the perfect scream. That's not all: Jennifer Love Hewitt's daughter/niece is meeting boys online, but more importantly JLH's husband is played by GREG GRUNBERG. Greg Grunberg? Greg Grunberg. Okay, sure, whatever.

The election may be over (or is it?), but Deliver The Profile's work has just begun. (In fact, there's probably enough CM episodes left over for four more years of podcasting.) This week's episode takes on "Rock Creek Park", a political-ish episode about a congressman's wife's kidnapping. Throughout the endeavor we learn more of Reid's skills, see him maybe sex a woman (well, he doesn't, but what...

In this episode, Ronnie and Jazz discuss Season 5's "The Uncanny Valley", one about a woman turning women into living dolls. But mainly it's an excuse to talk about Star Wars' own Jonathan Frakes, who makes an appearance in the show. And what an appearance it is! Beam me up, Scotty, am I right? The hosts try to answer the question you're all wondering: is "The Uncanny Valley" a good hour of televi...

Wedding season comes to Criminal Minds and the participants are who you least expect! Actually, that's a lie. But there's a lot of other things happening in this episode, "Run", such as Prentiss' departure, J.J. being a viking ninja cowboy over the fate of her son, a secret unsub, and more wealth porn courtesy of David Rossi. This ends Season 7--hope you survived the experience!

It's time to see Prentiss depart for the second time as Deliver The Profile covers the first part of the Season 7 finale, "Hit". Why pattern the robbers after the fucking Royal Flush Gang? Are we supposed to care about the fate of J.J.'s boyfriend? The Prentiss Interpol bullshit is still stupid. Ronnie and Jazz talk about that and more.

That's right, J.J. is going away for about a season, upon which she will make her triumphant return in Season 7. But until then, this is her official goodbye, as she's shunted off to the Pentagon to liaison with the DoD/hunt Osama bin Laden. There's also a case about a missing girl and a pair of boys who might've had something to do with it. But that's an afterthought compared to the real importan...

It's back to the Criminal Minds salt mines with "The Internet is Forever", a Season 5 screed about the dangers of the Internet. It's pretty hypocritical to rail against it when the team uses it to solve all their cases. Anyway, there's J.J. botching a press conference, Rossi going mano y mano with another old man and Reid explaining how faces are basically math. It's a fun time for everyone.

Ronnie and Jazz take a break from Criminal Minds by reviewing the totality of the 13 episode Rachel Nichols starring procedural THE INSIDE! Like Criminal Minds, it's about a team of barely charismatic TV actors hunting down serial killers large (an obese cannibal) and small (a child). Is Rachel Nichols basically playing the same character she would play on Criminal Minds? Why is human toilet Adam...

Because you demanded it! Maybe. Ronnie and Jazz talk about Cats, the horrifying nightmare film that everyone hated last winter. But that's not all! They also discuss Season 6 finale "Supply and Demand", a sex/murder trafficking story so boring Ronnie completely Mandela Effected the ending. Also: the triumphant return of Nicholas Brendon, the ignominious departure of Ashley Seaver and and the retur...

The descent into Seaver Madness continues with "With Friends Like These...", a delightfully stupid tale about imaginary friends and how they can coerce insomniacs to kill. Seaver becomes an official member of the team finally and Reid continues to suffer from headaches. On the podcast front, the concept of "Jazz Classics" is introduced for your pleasure and edification.

In "Corazon", which is Spanish for some sort of spaceship, Reid has headaches, the team engages with Afro-Caribbean culture, and Seaver does little more than ask fairly obvious questions. Yep, sounds like a Criminal Minds all right. But this episode of Deliver The Profile is mainly concerned with who the Headless Horseman, what his deal is and what the relationship with Ichabod Crane is, in the TV...

It's another week of Seaver, but she doesn't do much of anything in the episode. What a shocker. Instead it's a Morgan showcase, in that he trusts an inmate (Kyle Secor) and is betrayed when the recently released kills a guy. What does this have to do with a business-ish man running for Congress? You'll learn. You'll also learn about Ronnie's carrot/stick baby picture system, the merits of Crossin...

So begins yet another theme month or so with DTP's foray into the Ashley Seaver episodes! How bad an actress is Rachel Nichols? How much do the hosts wish they were watching that one episode of X-Files? "What Happens At Home..." is about murders in a gated community. But it's really a means with which to introduce the newest profiler, a non-profiler named Ashley Seaver. She has the task of replaci...

Deliver The Profile finishes business with "Unfinished Business", a Season 1 episode that is almost maybe good, in large part due to guest star Geoff Pierson. The Keystone Killer is back, and Geoff Pierson's obsessed with him. Will he and the BAU track down the killer? Well, what do you think?

This episode is a fucking trainwreck. Ronnie's high on Valium, "Poison" is boring dross, and the boys spend most of their time on tangents like what the Holy Trinity is and the efficacy of dick pills. "Poison" is about some guy dosing random people with LSD. Groovy, man? No, not groovy. Maybe they should've actually taken LSD before the recording. Oh well, live and learn.

We're baaaack! That's right, the only Criminal Minds podcast has returned to making new content and there's a lot of news to talk about: the Criminal Minds lawsuit, S.W.A.T. promising to not suck as much, Elmer Fudd losing his gun. There's also the matter of the episode "Amplification", about an anthrax outbreak that results from someone dropping lightbulbs. Is Dan Lauria better known for Smallvil...

Yes, we're back! Well, not really, because this show is actually from March but has been held back as the show went on an unintended hiatus due to COVID-19. Movie month(s) wraps up with a look at 2018's surprise tentacle hit, Venom! Who is Tom Hardy trying to impersonate? Why is the movie PG-13? Is Carlton Drake the dumbest villain ever? These questions and more are answered for YOUR edification,...

Movie month-or-so continues as Ronnie and Jazz cover one of their most hated movies ever: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from 2014, the Platinum Dunes/Michael Bay one. The hideous monstrosity Turtles. Gone are the adorable animatronic suits and in their place are 7 foot tall behemoths made of CGI. Why does everybody want to fuck April O'Neil? Would this be better as a Street Sharks movie? Everyone k...

Deliver The Profile's month of movies rolls on as Ronnie and Jazz make another excursion to the multiplex with Brahms: The Boy II. (Don't worry, this was recorded back when "going to the multiplex" was a fun, plausible activity.) The Boy is an ironic favorite of the boys, so can the sequel live up to the amusement the original brought? In a word: no. In more words: hell no.

Deliver The Profile goes to the movies in this first week of avoiding Criminal Minds. We begin with SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, the smash hit that is at least the best movie about James Marsden in a car talking to a CGI monstrosity. Who is this for? Who wanted this? Why isn't there any shout outs to the very vibrant Sonic fetish community? Why did Jim Carrey decide to do this? Ronnie and Jazz try to answe...

Everything's fucked. Criminal Minds is over, COVID-19 has turned into a pandemic, there's no baseball for anyone. Sorry for the delay in episode, but the world has literally gone to shit. Fear not! The DTP boys are here to help with your pandemic woes with a nearly 3 HOUR EPISODE covering the final two shows in the history of Crim, "Face Off" and "And In The End...". Watch as the Chameleon tries t...

Ronnie and Jazz discuss "Family Tree", which is definitely an episode of Criminal Minds.

Criminal Minds would be an unkillable monster if it were not guaranteed to be ending this month. It certainly feels that way, as we're dealt another double header. In "Date Night", Cat Adams (meow!) returns to bedevil Reid, whereas "Rusty" is about a guy in a goat costume telling a dude to decapitate people. It's all so stupid and this podcast is over two hours long. Buckle in, folks.

Ronnie and Jazz recorded this during "The Big Game", the sporting event they're not allowed to actually name. Watching that would've been preferable to seeing "Ghost", the halfway point for this final season of Criminal Minds and a story about a nobody copycatting a classic unsub in order to kidnap two FBI agents who don't recognize him. Beyond Rossi feigning way too many familial bonds with Alvez...