Deliver The Profile

It's back to the Criminal Minds salt mines with "The Internet is Forever", a Season 5 screed about the dangers of the Internet. It's pretty hypocritical to rail against it when the team uses it to solve all their cases. Anyway, there's J.J. botching a press conference, Rossi going mano y mano with another old man and Reid explaining how faces are basically math. It's a fun time for everyone.

Ronnie and Jazz take a break from Criminal Minds by reviewing the totality of the 13 episode Rachel Nichols starring procedural THE INSIDE! Like Criminal Minds, it's about a team of barely charismatic TV actors hunting down serial killers large (an obese cannibal) and small (a child). Is Rachel Nichols basically playing the same character she would play on Criminal Minds? Why is human toilet Adam...

Because you demanded it! Maybe. Ronnie and Jazz talk about Cats, the horrifying nightmare film that everyone hated last winter. But that's not all! They also discuss Season 6 finale "Supply and Demand", a sex/murder trafficking story so boring Ronnie completely Mandela Effected the ending. Also: the triumphant return of Nicholas Brendon, the ignominious departure of Ashley Seaver and and the retur...

The descent into Seaver Madness continues with "With Friends Like These...", a delightfully stupid tale about imaginary friends and how they can coerce insomniacs to kill. Seaver becomes an official member of the team finally and Reid continues to suffer from headaches. On the podcast front, the concept of "Jazz Classics" is introduced for your pleasure and edification.

In "Corazon", which is Spanish for some sort of spaceship, Reid has headaches, the team engages with Afro-Caribbean culture, and Seaver does little more than ask fairly obvious questions. Yep, sounds like a Criminal Minds all right. But this episode of Deliver The Profile is mainly concerned with who the Headless Horseman, what his deal is and what the relationship with Ichabod Crane is, in the TV...

It's another week of Seaver, but she doesn't do much of anything in the episode. What a shocker. Instead it's a Morgan showcase, in that he trusts an inmate (Kyle Secor) and is betrayed when the recently released kills a guy. What does this have to do with a business-ish man running for Congress? You'll learn. You'll also learn about Ronnie's carrot/stick baby picture system, the merits of Crossin...

So begins yet another theme month or so with DTP's foray into the Ashley Seaver episodes! How bad an actress is Rachel Nichols? How much do the hosts wish they were watching that one episode of X-Files? "What Happens At Home..." is about murders in a gated community. But it's really a means with which to introduce the newest profiler, a non-profiler named Ashley Seaver. She has the task of replaci...

Deliver The Profile finishes business with "Unfinished Business", a Season 1 episode that is almost maybe good, in large part due to guest star Geoff Pierson. The Keystone Killer is back, and Geoff Pierson's obsessed with him. Will he and the BAU track down the killer? Well, what do you think?

This episode is a fucking trainwreck. Ronnie's high on Valium, "Poison" is boring dross, and the boys spend most of their time on tangents like what the Holy Trinity is and the efficacy of dick pills. "Poison" is about some guy dosing random people with LSD. Groovy, man? No, not groovy. Maybe they should've actually taken LSD before the recording. Oh well, live and learn.

We're baaaack! That's right, the only Criminal Minds podcast has returned to making new content and there's a lot of news to talk about: the Criminal Minds lawsuit, S.W.A.T. promising to not suck as much, Elmer Fudd losing his gun. There's also the matter of the episode "Amplification", about an anthrax outbreak that results from someone dropping lightbulbs. Is Dan Lauria better known for Smallvil...

Yes, we're back! Well, not really, because this show is actually from March but has been held back as the show went on an unintended hiatus due to COVID-19. Movie month(s) wraps up with a look at 2018's surprise tentacle hit, Venom! Who is Tom Hardy trying to impersonate? Why is the movie PG-13? Is Carlton Drake the dumbest villain ever? These questions and more are answered for YOUR edification,...

Movie month-or-so continues as Ronnie and Jazz cover one of their most hated movies ever: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from 2014, the Platinum Dunes/Michael Bay one. The hideous monstrosity Turtles. Gone are the adorable animatronic suits and in their place are 7 foot tall behemoths made of CGI. Why does everybody want to fuck April O'Neil? Would this be better as a Street Sharks movie? Everyone k...

Deliver The Profile's month of movies rolls on as Ronnie and Jazz make another excursion to the multiplex with Brahms: The Boy II. (Don't worry, this was recorded back when "going to the multiplex" was a fun, plausible activity.) The Boy is an ironic favorite of the boys, so can the sequel live up to the amusement the original brought? In a word: no. In more words: hell no.

Deliver The Profile goes to the movies in this first week of avoiding Criminal Minds. We begin with SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, the smash hit that is at least the best movie about James Marsden in a car talking to a CGI monstrosity. Who is this for? Who wanted this? Why isn't there any shout outs to the very vibrant Sonic fetish community? Why did Jim Carrey decide to do this? Ronnie and Jazz try to answe...

Everything's fucked. Criminal Minds is over, COVID-19 has turned into a pandemic, there's no baseball for anyone. Sorry for the delay in episode, but the world has literally gone to shit. Fear not! The DTP boys are here to help with your pandemic woes with a nearly 3 HOUR EPISODE covering the final two shows in the history of Crim, "Face Off" and "And In The End...". Watch as the Chameleon tries t...

Ronnie and Jazz discuss "Family Tree", which is definitely an episode of Criminal Minds.

Criminal Minds would be an unkillable monster if it were not guaranteed to be ending this month. It certainly feels that way, as we're dealt another double header. In "Date Night", Cat Adams (meow!) returns to bedevil Reid, whereas "Rusty" is about a guy in a goat costume telling a dude to decapitate people. It's all so stupid and this podcast is over two hours long. Buckle in, folks.

Ronnie and Jazz recorded this during "The Big Game", the sporting event they're not allowed to actually name. Watching that would've been preferable to seeing "Ghost", the halfway point for this final season of Criminal Minds and a story about a nobody copycatting a classic unsub in order to kidnap two FBI agents who don't recognize him. Beyond Rossi feigning way too many familial bonds with Alvez...

Ronnie and Jazz really didn't care for this one, despite the fact that it was a change of pace, despite the fact that Paul F. Tompkins was in it. "Saturday" is the BAU's Saturday, in which the characters are not on a case and instead go about their stupid personal lives. Reid meets a girl! Rossi, who is 80 years old, helps assemble a crib! Prentiss is sued by Paul F. Tompkins! Garcia holds a hack-...

What the hell is "Spectator Slowing"? It's the newest Criminal Minds, but the phrase is nonsense. We thought it was "Spectator SHOWING", but it's not. Anyway, the BAU must stop a mad bomber who sends people photos of their own home along with the bomb. Also, Simmons is at home taking care of his shitty kids. Will his kids be the recipient of a bomb? No. But it'd be cool if that happened. Ronnie an...

Well, we've come to it: Season 15. The end of the line. Ronnie and Jazz go long with the two-headed premiere of "Under the Skin" and "Awakenings", which is variously about men's chests, bad impersonations, lesbianism, unrequited love, face ripping and a terrible Iggy Pop cover. The hosts try to keep their sanity by discussing shows from UPN. Remember The Sentinel?

What's this? A bonus? Yes, Virginia, there is a minisode of Deliver The Profile! In case you don't remember, minisodes are episodes that are an hour or less that don't cover a specific CM show. This time Ronnie and Jazz are assaulted by the catastrophic series of choices that is Criminal Minds going on THE TALK. See, no one in the cast is famous enough to go on Colbert or Fallon or Corden, so they...

Here it is, episode 150 of Deliver The Profile! What better way to celebrate this milestone than covering the risible Season 14 finale, "Truth or Dare"! Who the hell is this unsub actor and is he actually the worst thespian ever? Who the fuck wanted the possibility of a J.J./Reid romance? Spoilers, by the way: that's the big revelation in "Truth or Dare", the dumbass hour of Criminal Minds about a...

Close the book on 2019 with the final Deliver The Profile of the year! On this eve of New Year's Ronnie and Jazz discuss a pivotal Season 14 episode, "Chameleon"! The unsub of the episode, The Chameleon, is promised to play a pivotal role in Criminal Minds' final season (starting January 8th), so this is one podcast you don't wanna miss. Unlike you're one of those normal people who doesn't care ab...

Not a dream! Not a hallucination! Not an imaginary story! Reid goes to prison at the behest of being charged with murdering what looks to be a Mexican citizen and having a huge cache of drugs in his truck. Can the BAU bail him out and get him on a plane back to the States? Considering this is the start of a storyline, the chances of everything going right are very little. The point is to enjoy the...