Deliver The Profile

Talkin' 'Bout Turtles is back to discuss Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie, a straight to Netflix "movie" that is basically Brian Yuzna's Society meets Terminator but with none of the fun or interesting or awesome bits. Will Leonardo finally become the leader? Why is Haley Joel Osment voicing a Kyle Reese version of Casey Jones? Did the Krang have to be the stuff of nightmares? T...

Jazz is back! Everyone's second favorite host returns to a doozy of a nothing of an episode, "Night Lights", also known as the Moleman episode. Are moles people? Should they be people? It's a later season episode so expect it to be stupid, half-formed and ultimately not a lot to talk about. Luckily, the boys have BIG CRIMINAL MINDS REVIVAL news to share with you, the listener. Yes, it's that time...

Jazz is still in the nether-zone, so that means Ronnie must partake in another Marvel Team-Up! This time out it's Chris Ludovici, his partner in crime in many a writing project (Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie included). They try to talk about anything besides Criminal Minds, but invariably the topic drifts back to "Masterpiece", AKA the one where George Costanza dresses up like a fried chicken masc...

Jazz is on vacation, but have no fear, Ronnie has teamed with Daniel Daughhetee (The Canon Ball) to bring you a brand spanking new episode of Deliver The Profile! Witness as Ronnie puts Daniel through the paces with "False Flag", a later season show about conspiracy theorists. They're being murdered! Is it a conspiracy or is it just a series of stupid random events? Well, it's stupid all right. Ze...

"Dust and Bones" is a Season 13 episode about snake people. Well, snake person. She's on a rampage and it's up to the BAU to stop her. Meanwhile, Luke Alvez reconnects with his estranged-ish crippled friend Phil "The Brick" Brooks. You'll be surprised how Alvez bridges their gap. Besides that, it's business as usual at the Deliver the Profile offices. Some riffs, some laughs, a lot of expletives....

Out of Chicago, the Deliver The Profile boys hit up Long Island as a blast from David Rossi's past threatens to, well, not do much of anything. It's really a metaphor about not letting yourself let hot pieces get away. It's actually one of the better Criminal Minds we've ever covered, because the BAU fails miserably at its remit and Reid isn't allowed to join the team in the field. It's astounding...

The boys' trip to Chicago concludes in a weird episode about an unsub killing at the behest of an Internet radio show. Hey, we don't write this shit. Potentially more interesting is a subplot in which Rossi meets with his third ex-wife because she wants him to attend his daughter's wedding. The thing is, the husband to be might be an unsub in the making. Can Rossi stop the wedding in time? Serious...

Ronnie and Jazz go to the movies, and this time it's the abominable locust themed film Jurassic World Dominion. To quote William Hurt in A History of Violence, "HOWWWW do you fuck THAT up?", that referring to a movie about dinosaurs in an uneasy coexistence with humans? Listen to the podcast to find out!

"Where's Hotch?" is over, so the boys are taking a two part trip to Chicago baby, Chi-ca-go. In "The Return", children are being recruited by some sort of boogerman to commit violent crimes against the police. This is stupid for a number of reasons, as Ronnie and Jazz will point out in the podcast, but "The Return" is an opportunity for Morgan to return to his old stomping grounds. Remember the ti...

"Where's Hotch?" comes to an end and finally Ronnie and Jazz can stop with the Season 12 episodes already. "Elliott's Pond" is about some kids who go missing in a case that resembles an earlier child abduction. Wrapped up in all of this is Neil Phipps, the creep from Eagleheart . Will they find the kids or will their pictures end up on the "unavenged" side of the room? Find out on the latest Deliv...

In "The Anti-Terror(ism) Squad" the most vulnerable of us all are targeted: bullies. Will the Mindsers stop the threat to our treasured bullies or will, as is what usually happens, a bunch of people die until they ultimately stop an unsub that's holding someone at gunpoint? Ronnie tries to convince Jazz all this episode is missing is the mythical creature the minotaur.

Ronnie tells Jazz about the time he went to go see the latest Marvel masterpiece, Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.

"Where's Hotch" continues with a tale as old as time: the collector of body parts who starts chucking them everywhere. Who is he, and does he have a brother? That's what the BAU intends to find out, and Ronnie and Jazz just want to make fun of the whole process.

Ronnie and Jazz do an episode of Criminal Minds about the craze sweeping the nation: incest. In "Taboo", the unsub wants to fuck his mother, and his mother wants to fuck everyone due to her brain damage. It's complicated.

Here it is, folks: the final episode of Aaron Hotchner's storied FBI career. Of course it wasn't designed that way, which the hosts will delve into over the course of "Sick Day", which nominally is a JJ episode. I know, I know, but we'll get through it together.

Ronnie and Jazz review a sicko for adults only film, Sonic the Hedgehog 2.

The boys review the most anticipated film of 2022, Morbius.

Deliver The Profile is FINALLY back to, well, delivering the profile with the Season 11 finale, "The Storm"! How was this not Hotch's exit? What exactly do the writers think anarchy is? Do "serial killer wings" of prisons exist? This episode confounded the boys, so expect more questions. Also: Ronnie got a new TV and Ronnie tries to explain NFTs to Jazz.

Ronnie and Jazz forgot the premise of their own show so it's another movie episode. This time it's THE BATMAN, the 70th film adaptation of the DC Comics character created by Bob Kane and Bob Kane only. Why does Riddler look like a Trailer Park Boys character? Why does Catwoman look like Aubrey Plaza in Ingrid Goes West? Why does Penguin... why does Penguin? Listen to this nearly 2.5 hour podcast d...

Ronnie and Jazz finally wrap up the Saga of the Womb Raider.

Ronnie tortures Jazz by making him watch, and then talk about, the adaptation of one of his favorite video game franchises. Ronnie tortures himself by watching a movie anchored by Tom Holland and Mark Wahlberg. No one wins, except you, the listeners.

The boys review Roland Emmerich's latest, Moonfall. Is this the dumbest movie ever? Yes. Is it also entertaining? Yes.

Ronnie and Jazz spend 40 minutes discussing the implications of Paramount Plus' revival of Criminal Minds getting a second wind.

Rossi teaches an undergraduate class about the Womb Raider in "Profiling 101", a format breaking episode that reminds us that format breaking doesn't necessarily mean good. Why name an unsub after a Tomb Raider porn parody? Also: Ronnie and Jazz went to see Scream aka 5Cream. That it wasn't its own episode or minisode speaks to how non-essential it was.

A few weeks ago I screwed up and mislabeled an episode as #211. Well, this is the actual 211, folks. "Bully" sees everybody going to Blake's hometown of Kansas City to solve some beating murders in which the victims are dressed in women's underwear. Someone's hunting J. Edgar Hoover! The podcast runs a little short so time is spent on Ronnie and Jazz discussing the possibility of Ronnie owning a m...