Deliver The Profile

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie co-writer Chris Ludovici almost convinces Ronnie to give up doing the podcast. It's an existential crisis of an episode, folks, starring "The Fatigues" Seinfeld guy and a whole lot of belt stranglin'. 

Tribute To The Shield Month ends with neither a bang nor a whimper, just another daaaaaaaay of podcasting. "The Big Wheel" is about an OCD man who kills blondes and is definitely not just a ripoff of Peeping Tom, the Michael Powell classic. Did that have a blind kid who got around by clicking? Didn't think so. In other news, Jazz is back from the vacation he chronologically starts taking next epis...

In this Tribute to The Shield episode, the boys welcome Ronnie Gardocki himself, David Rees Snell, to the show. Too bad he has a nothing role in a nothing episode ("Remembrance of Things Past"). Like, we're talking Season 6 nothing. There's so little to talk about the boys spend a digression on the NBC hit La Brea, that's how bad it gets. Otherwise it's a geezer on geezer showcase as Joe Mantegna...

This episode has it all: a digression about something President Trump said last year, a possibly good episode of Criminal Minds, and the guy who played Stathis Borans in The Fly and the quite possibly underrated The Fly II. There's so much incident it unfortunately overshadows our Shield alum this week, Catherine Dent. And she's doing things with her role. She's trying the Texan accent!

In "Tribute to The Shield" month, the boys take a look at episodes of Criminal Minds that featured cast members of The Shield in them. First is Season 4's "Demonology", in which a blast from Prentiss' past threatens to push the show into Touched by an Angel territory. Also starring: James Remar! It's a lot more boring than it sounds, but Ronnie and Jazz make some hay out of it.

Fresh off the victory lap that was completing Season 16/Evolution of Criminal Minds, Ronnie and Jazz use the momentous Episode 250 to discuss another serial killer thriller: FOX's 2013 magical mystery tour THE FOLLOWING. Starring Kevin Bacon and James Purefoy, THE FOLLOWING is about a drunk FBI agent trying in vain to stop a shitty English professor from amassing a cult of serial killers who more...

It's over. Criminal Minds Season 16 is over, the manhunt for Sicarius is over, Doug Baby is over, it's all over until they start shooting again and we must begin contemplating Season 17. "Dead End" boasts a number of highlights, from apparitions to Josh Stewart having to deliver expository dialogue like a person. Of all the finales, it definitely is one, complete with stupid, stupid open ended end...

The penultimate episode has occurred, and it's just as disappointing as you might expect. Rossi interviews Sicarius' wife! Rossi interviews Sicarius himself! Flashbacks galore! Ronnie is overcoming sickness and may possibly be fucked up from DayQuil. Who knows! Who cares. The important part is this season is blessedly almost over, and there's no tension because they're not going to kill off one of...

In Episode 8 of Evolution, Sicarius kidnaps a woman from SECOND Street and later pawns her off to sensational character find of 2023, Hang Man. In other news, Shemar Moore is a father, JJ's kids are hideous monsters, Garcia is in a better mood now that she's gotten laid, and Rossi takes a Pacific Northwest trip because why not. It's a bad episode but a good podcast.

It's what you've been waiting for: a Deputy Director Baby spotlight episode. In a completely unnecessary sidequest, the team heads to West Virginia to stop a religious-themed injustice collector with a problem with opioid users and abusers. Hey, opioid crisis, eh? That's in the news, isn't it? Meanwhile, Lewis looks at her phone a lot and Garcia does the nasty...nastily. Ready your barf bags, folk...

Jazz is back and so is Criminal Minds: Evolution. Episode 6, "True Conviction", sees the BAU race against time to free a wrongfully convicted man on death row even if it pisses off Lewis' girlfriend. Meanwhile, Sicarius visits his Harry Morgan and Garcia kisses someone. Oh, it's very eventful. Oh yeah, that cliffhanger from episode 5? Doesn't fucking matter. Not one bit.

Jazz is sick with Havana Syndrome, so it's up to 3 time DTP champion Dr. Daniel Daughhetee to pick up the slack. In this gap week between Criminal Minds: Evolution, we decided to cover "Bloodline", aka the Most Racist Episode Of Anything Ever. A family of Romanians--or Gypsies, pick your poison--go around murdering parents and kidnapping their daughters for forced arranged marriage. Criminal Minds...

Things heat up slightly with the introduction of a werewolf connected to a senator--or grenator, pick your poison--portrayed by Aunt Zelda from the old Sabrina the Teenage Witch show. As this represents the midseason finale, one expects something of import to occur, and while there is a cliffhanger, it's a lot more bequeathing of rescue cats and Paget Brewster playing "mommy" than chickens coming...

It's a great sign for Criminal Minds: Evolution that the fourth episode of ten is inconsequential garbage, as opposed to consequential garbage. Home invasions, dark passengers played by guys from Prison Break, dead security guards, cancer scares, it's all a smorgasbord of shit. How do Ronnie and Jazz keep themselves entertained? That's for you to find out in this new episode of Deliver The Profile...

In this episode, the unsub of the season gets a canine companion, loses his job, is called a beta cuck and is forced to subscribe to some magazines. Everything's very busy for Sicarius, so much so that the BAU contending with a bomber never really resonates. "Moose" is more about the antagonist, the boring, cliched and shitty antagonist. At least this time out Ronnie and Jazz didn't have to record...

Here it is, what you've all been waiting: (nearly) 4 hours of Deliver The Profile devoted to the new season of Criminal Minds, Season 16/Evolution. Who's back? Who isn't? Who looks like shit? Who doesn't have to wear a wig anymore? The BAU is in disarray with the characters scattered to the winds, just as a new unsub with a shipping container is making waves. In episode 2, someone is severing spin...

Daniel Daughhetee (Albama Public Libary) comes back to the show to discuss his most favorite of things: boring history shit only nerds would like. That's in full effect with Season 9's "Fatal", about an unsub poisoning people. The twist is he's giving them a warning a day. "About Face" did that too, but they mention it in dialogue it's okay. The unsub is Kevin from the inferior American Office, an...

Deliver The Profile goes gay with "A Good Husband", an episode about a man who leaves torsos in the local gay community in order to...something. Look, it's a really bad episode, with some of the worst acting this side of a David DeCoteau joint, so just listen to the show and find out for yourself.

Marking time until Criminal Minds: Evolution begins, Ronnie and Jazz discuss "Scarecrow" from Season 12. It's not an all-timer, but it has one of the funniest deaths in Criminal Minds history, so there's that.

In yet another episode of a Criminal Minds podcast with a tenuous connection to Criminal Minds, the boys discuss a Season 2 episode of Shemar Moore's S.W.A.T. entitled "Inheritance". Somebody is impersonating the Symbionese Liberation Army and carrying out what one character deems "Patty Hearst 2.0". Is it as dumb as it sounds? Absolutely. Is it marginally more entertaining than an episode of Crim...

It's finally over: Urban Legends month-ish is done. Bloody Mary is the least of the franchise. It stars Kate Mara and is basically Prom Night II if it were worse. A guy gets his penis exploded. It's NOT a good time.

This week Deliver The Profile discusses Urban Legends: Final Cut, the origin of Fence-Man, the character find of 2000. Is the Hitchcock Award the worst fictional award ever? Of course it is.

As promised, for October Deliver The Profile is shedding its Criminal Minds coverage in favor of the Urban Legend film series. Someone's killing people based on urban legends, and it could be anyone, from Robert Englund to Brad Dourif to, uh, Michael Rosenbaum. Of all the Scream ripoffs, this is definitely one of them.

Morgan finally departs but not before facing off with a dimly lit Lance Henriksen. "A Beautiful Disaster" is, well, just that, minus the beautiful part.

Morgan's exit trudges on with "The Sandman", an episode that gives filler a bad name. Somebody is murdering parents and kidnapping children, and sand and hourglasses are involved. Is it dumb? Most definitely. Morgan feels attacked by this unsub because he is soon to be a father; prior to this he never gave a fuck when kids were kidnapped or diddled or killed.