Deliver The Profile

The penultimate episode has occurred, and it's just as disappointing as you might expect. Rossi interviews Sicarius' wife! Rossi interviews Sicarius himself! Flashbacks galore! Ronnie is overcoming sickness and may possibly be fucked up from DayQuil. Who knows! Who cares. The important part is this season is blessedly almost over, and there's no tension because they're not going to kill off one of...

In Episode 8 of Evolution, Sicarius kidnaps a woman from SECOND Street and later pawns her off to sensational character find of 2023, Hang Man. In other news, Shemar Moore is a father, JJ's kids are hideous monsters, Garcia is in a better mood now that she's gotten laid, and Rossi takes a Pacific Northwest trip because why not. It's a bad episode but a good podcast.

It's what you've been waiting for: a Deputy Director Baby spotlight episode. In a completely unnecessary sidequest, the team heads to West Virginia to stop a religious-themed injustice collector with a problem with opioid users and abusers. Hey, opioid crisis, eh? That's in the news, isn't it? Meanwhile, Lewis looks at her phone a lot and Garcia does the nasty...nastily. Ready your barf bags, folk...

Jazz is back and so is Criminal Minds: Evolution. Episode 6, "True Conviction", sees the BAU race against time to free a wrongfully convicted man on death row even if it pisses off Lewis' girlfriend. Meanwhile, Sicarius visits his Harry Morgan and Garcia kisses someone. Oh, it's very eventful. Oh yeah, that cliffhanger from episode 5? Doesn't fucking matter. Not one bit.

Jazz is sick with Havana Syndrome, so it's up to 3 time DTP champion Dr. Daniel Daughhetee to pick up the slack. In this gap week between Criminal Minds: Evolution, we decided to cover "Bloodline", aka the Most Racist Episode Of Anything Ever. A family of Romanians--or Gypsies, pick your poison--go around murdering parents and kidnapping their daughters for forced arranged marriage. Criminal Minds...

Things heat up slightly with the introduction of a werewolf connected to a senator--or grenator, pick your poison--portrayed by Aunt Zelda from the old Sabrina the Teenage Witch show. As this represents the midseason finale, one expects something of import to occur, and while there is a cliffhanger, it's a lot more bequeathing of rescue cats and Paget Brewster playing "mommy" than chickens coming...

It's a great sign for Criminal Minds: Evolution that the fourth episode of ten is inconsequential garbage, as opposed to consequential garbage. Home invasions, dark passengers played by guys from Prison Break, dead security guards, cancer scares, it's all a smorgasbord of shit. How do Ronnie and Jazz keep themselves entertained? That's for you to find out in this new episode of Deliver The Profile...

In this episode, the unsub of the season gets a canine companion, loses his job, is called a beta cuck and is forced to subscribe to some magazines. Everything's very busy for Sicarius, so much so that the BAU contending with a bomber never really resonates. "Moose" is more about the antagonist, the boring, cliched and shitty antagonist. At least this time out Ronnie and Jazz didn't have to record...

Here it is, what you've all been waiting: (nearly) 4 hours of Deliver The Profile devoted to the new season of Criminal Minds, Season 16/Evolution. Who's back? Who isn't? Who looks like shit? Who doesn't have to wear a wig anymore? The BAU is in disarray with the characters scattered to the winds, just as a new unsub with a shipping container is making waves. In episode 2, someone is severing spin...

Daniel Daughhetee (Albama Public Libary) comes back to the show to discuss his most favorite of things: boring history shit only nerds would like. That's in full effect with Season 9's "Fatal", about an unsub poisoning people. The twist is he's giving them a warning a day. "About Face" did that too, but they mention it in dialogue it's okay. The unsub is Kevin from the inferior American Office, an...

Deliver The Profile goes gay with "A Good Husband", an episode about a man who leaves torsos in the local gay community in order to...something. Look, it's a really bad episode, with some of the worst acting this side of a David DeCoteau joint, so just listen to the show and find out for yourself.

Marking time until Criminal Minds: Evolution begins, Ronnie and Jazz discuss "Scarecrow" from Season 12. It's not an all-timer, but it has one of the funniest deaths in Criminal Minds history, so there's that.

In yet another episode of a Criminal Minds podcast with a tenuous connection to Criminal Minds, the boys discuss a Season 2 episode of Shemar Moore's S.W.A.T. entitled "Inheritance". Somebody is impersonating the Symbionese Liberation Army and carrying out what one character deems "Patty Hearst 2.0". Is it as dumb as it sounds? Absolutely. Is it marginally more entertaining than an episode of Crim...

It's finally over: Urban Legends month-ish is done. Bloody Mary is the least of the franchise. It stars Kate Mara and is basically Prom Night II if it were worse. A guy gets his penis exploded. It's NOT a good time.

This week Deliver The Profile discusses Urban Legends: Final Cut, the origin of Fence-Man, the character find of 2000. Is the Hitchcock Award the worst fictional award ever? Of course it is.

As promised, for October Deliver The Profile is shedding its Criminal Minds coverage in favor of the Urban Legend film series. Someone's killing people based on urban legends, and it could be anyone, from Robert Englund to Brad Dourif to, uh, Michael Rosenbaum. Of all the Scream ripoffs, this is definitely one of them.

Morgan finally departs but not before facing off with a dimly lit Lance Henriksen. "A Beautiful Disaster" is, well, just that, minus the beautiful part.

Morgan's exit trudges on with "The Sandman", an episode that gives filler a bad name. Somebody is murdering parents and kidnapping children, and sand and hourglasses are involved. Is it dumb? Most definitely. Morgan feels attacked by this unsub because he is soon to be a father; prior to this he never gave a fuck when kids were kidnapped or diddled or killed. 

In "Derek", Shemar Moore hallucinates an aged up version of his father played by Danny Glover. No, really. It's absurd and one of the worst episodes of Criminal Minds, which makes it good fodder for Deliver The Profile. The boys also discuss the dreaded news of Criminal Minds: Evolution's premiere date.

In "A Badge and a Gun", some dude with a spider web tattoo steals law enforcement credentials and uses them to get into women's houses and kills them. Meanwhile, Morgan receives a troubling text from his girlfriend. Scintillating, isn't it? Yeah, well that's what we have to work with this week so bear with us.

Off Format time as the boys, as promised, cover an episode of CSI: NY! "The Daze of Wine and Roaches" is proof positive they made the right choice in not doing an episode about CSI or any of its spinoffs, because shit is obnoxious and dumb. More so than Criminal Minds even. There's counterfeit wine, jewel encrusted roaches, the French trying to help out Haitian children, baby Shailene Woodley, and...

It may have taken the boys over 200 episodes, but they have finally completed the first season of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. It is a doozy. "Iqiniso" is set in South Africa and involves a man wearing an animal skull killing people and making it look like he's trying to resurrect them as zombies. Key words "making it look like", because there's some Scooby-Doo bullshit going on here. Guest sta...

Not much in the way of a description because Ronnie got his ass kicked by a Rammstein concert last night, but here's what you need to know: it's more Beyond Borders, it takes place in Turkey, and it might be the dumbest the show has ever gotten. Enjoy!

You probably can't tell, but this show was recorded in the immediate wake of Roe v. Wade being overturned, so Ronnie and Jazz are understandably miffed. So miffed, in fact, that they took a vacation from America by way of an episode of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. "De Los Inocentes" is a yarn set in Mexico about a wife brutally slaughtered and a husband looking suspect. But remember, in Beyond...

Puke! That's a funny word, right? Well, it accurately describes the Adam Rodriguez spotlight episode "Luke", in which a blast from Alvez's past puts his cushy life at risk. Who's going to die? His girlfriend? The dog? The black best friend who's only been in one other episode? You know enough to about television to know which it'll be.