Deliver The Profile

Many things are going on and the least interesting one is the episode under discussion, Beyond Borders' "Citizens of the World". Ronnie and Jazz also discuss Nicholas Brendon's get rich sadly scheme, close the book on Babygate (we hope) and Ronnie tries to explain the plot of Mortal Engines to the bemused and hostile. As for "Citizens of the World", two Trump voters get kidnapped in Casablanca. We...

This episode is late, yes, but considering both hosts' laptops are in various stages of death it is lucky there is an episode at all. "Somebody's Watching" posits what if Amber Heard wanted to fuck Spencer Reid. Look, she married Johnny Depp, she clearly has some bad luck with men. (There will be no abuse jokes.) Heard plays a starlet whose stalker is killing people to improve her career, and the...

Sorry for the lateness, but we have a big episode for you, one nearing two hours. There's Criminal Minds news as the Season 15 episode titles appear to leak. There's show news as the podcast gets into a feud with a baby. Then there's the matter at hand, "Love Interrupted", a Beyond Borders episode about an unsub literally cutting dudes' hearts out. The action take place in Belize, a place the host...

Well, it's finally happened: Criminal Minds is flirting with the possibility that the unsub is a fucking ghost. It's not, but what if it was? "The Angel Maker" spends about 20 minutes down that route. In the aftermath of Hotch losing his hearing, there's almost nothing done with that. Look, there's not a lot of meat on this bone, but Ronnie and Jazz try their best anyway. That's their job.

Well, it's finally happened: Criminal Minds does 9/11. Mind you, they don't actually take on that case, as 9/11 was allegedly already solved years ago. A plane crashes and it reminds everyone of 9/11, especially Jennifer Love Hewitt, who lost family in the attacks. "A Thousand Suns" is a real shitshow with multiple red herrings, some choice anti-Muslim and anti-foreigner bigotry and Reid doing som...

Say goodbye to Elle, the brunette we barely knew and didn't really care about. She makes her exit in "The Boogeyman", which is otherwise about a short staffed team pursuing a child murderer. Who could it be? Like all Criminal Minds mysteries, it's not that hard to figure out. This episode features early performances by both Elle Fanning AND the guy who played the Joker on Gotham. Truly, Criminal M...

Suspect Behavior has finally ended, so Ronnie and Jazz are back to their traditional beat of Criminal Minds Classic. Yet this is a departure of an episode in that the unsub isn't a serial killer at all--he's a RAPIST. Did the boys watch an episode of SVU by mistake? No, unfortunately. "Aftermath" is the beginning of the end for Elle Greenaway, also known as the Original Prentiss. Along the way the...

What's this? It's the first EVER Deliver The Profile minisode! What is a minisode? Well, it's when the boys record something that's under an hour. Minisode #1 is their final word on Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. Ronnie and Jazz go through why the show doesn't work, its shitty characters and rank the episodes from least worst to worst. How could you not like this? It's less content!

Throw away the DVD set and hang up your Forest Whitaker pennant because Suspect Behavior is over - for good! For the season/series finale, Ronnie and Jazz (well, Ronnie) do the unthinkable: listen to the commentary track. What insights do the cast and crew have to offer? What insights do the hosts have? "Death by a Thousand Cuts" is about French Stewart forcing people to kill strangers or else he'...

While "The Girl in the Blue Mask" is more a riff on Eyes Without A Face, Ronnie and Jazz still spend most of the podcast's run time discussing taxidermy, what makes an acceptable 'subject' and how dermheads are persecuted by normals in our society. Suspect Behavior is almost over, folks, don't worry. This week also commits to some welcome development of Beau Garrett's character...welcome, that is,...

Still Suspect Behavin', still struggling. "Strays" places Richard Schiff's FBI director front and center when he uses the red cell to track down his goddaughter. This is a lot like Taken, only instead of Liam Neeson it's a half dozen morons and instead of a luxurious villain hangout the sex slavery auction takes place in an abandoned warehouse. Also: is Forest Whitaker Santa Claus?

Blame Jazz. He's the one who wanted the Suspect Behavior episodes off his hard drive, so for the next four weeks Deliver The Profile is putting the finishing touches on the beleaguered Forest Whitaker-centric spinoff. Things don't get off to a good start as "The Time Is Now", despite featuring A Talking Cat!?! star Eric Roberts and Giancarlo Esposito, is the worst episode of Criminal Minds the pod...

There's a new Ninja Turtles cartoon in town and that means Ronnie and Jazz are going to complain about it! For this April Fool's holiday enjoy a podcast - recorded months ago and unearthed today - about Nickelodeon's latest shitty permutation of Eastman and Laird's cash cow. What differentiates this from the last one? Where's Shredder? Why the hell do the turtles have such strange designs? Can't a...

You'd think an episode that ends in murder-suicide would be attention grabbing and entertaining. Well, you'd be wrong, as Ronnie and Jazz find out in their examination of Season 8's "Zugzwang". The culmination of the Reid's secret girlfriend subplot, "Zugzwang" manages to combine a mystery and petulance to create something starring the one Nickelodeon star who (probably) didn't get molested. Ronni...

Oz was such a good show, guys. Criminal Minds isn't, but they try to attach themselves to the prestige of Oz by casting Lee Tergesen as the unsub in "Retaliation", Season 5's effort at changing things up a little. It doesn't work. What does work? Prentiss is in a car crash. Kids have to interact with junkie hobos. That's pretty much it. Never program Deliver The Profile based on "well, Ronnie bare...

It's "The Fisher King Part 2" and questions are answered, like who is the Fisher King, does Elle survive getting shot, why the hell was the guy sending all that stuff to the team anyway and who does he have locked up in his dungeon basement. But that's not all. Ronnie watched the Season 14 finale and is full of invective towards it which Jazz hears. There's not much desire to actually talk about "...

Yes, this episode is fashionably late. That's because Ronnie's laptop died, he got it back, and then it promptly died again after a few days. But don't let that get you down, because we've got a good one for you. It covers the Criminal Minds 1st season finale, "The Fisher King: Part 1"! Who is the Fisher King? What is his obsession with old timeyness? More importantly, what does Criminal Minds goi...

It's Jazz's birthday! Well, it was, when we were recording this. As such, the top of the episode contains a review of the hosts' field trip to see M. Night Shyamalan's Glass. It sucked and yet was infinitely better than the podcast's first foray into Season 12, a season so bad it made people miss Thomas Gibson. "Surface Tension" is about a burn victim who loves sinkholes as well as Reid's wacky at...

We travel back to Season 1 of Criminal Minds with "Blood Hungry"! Just because Ronnie and Jazz are both fighting coughs doesn't mean they cannot talk to you about Doug Jones, Mandy Patinkin treating Garcia like shit, small towns and how to interrogate crazy people. Also, remember to call your kids, okay? It's important.

Criminal Minds is DEAD. D-E-A-D! After next season's shortened Season 15 it will be banished to the land of wind and ghosts. Fittingly, Ronnie and Jazz break from format of "talk about a specific episode" to cover everything related to this bombshell, such as what prompted the final renewal, what we can expect from the last 13 or so hours of Criminal Minds, and what the future of the podcast is. W...

2019 is off to a great start, by which we mean a start, with "House on Fire", an episode that at least changes up the pace some. Instead of killing by knife or gun or increasingly improbable specialized Rube Goldberg device, the unsub starts fires, seals exits and has people burn to death. This one has it all: The Blob (the Steve McQueen one), Michael Rooker, incest, Garcia learning an important l...

In what may be the dumbest episode of Criminal Minds we've yet covered, "A Thousand Words" is about a guy who calls in a suicide...his own! He turns out to be a serial killer with crappy full body tattoos that are key to solving the case. Dean Norris guest stars. The hosts feel the real doldrums of December podcasting, when video games, snow and movies about aquatic men beckon.

Back to basics as Deliver The Profile delves into "Magnificent Light", an episode about a self-help guy who probably causes more damage to the world than the serial killer who's obsessed with him. If that's not enough, the killer is one of those people who can naturally produce LSD, so he can see words! Witness the worst glowing word effects on television since Ghostwriter. Also witness the slow,...

That title means what you think it means: another Suspect Behavior episode. "Smother" has neither Smothers brother in it and instead has missing moms, inappropriate moms, breastbiting, video game playing, phone eavesdropping and vigils that shouldn't happen. The hosts are feeling good because it's the first time recording since SCOTT WALKER LOST RE-ELECTION. Celebrate good times, come on.

Wouldn't you rather be sleeping? That certainly is the case with "Awake", a Season 11 yawner about a man who's searching for his daughter and will prevent people who may know something from sleeping. This is thematically rich territory because J.J., fresh off maternity leave, is ALSO sleep-deprived. A J.J. episode. WONDERFUL. Be sure to listen all the way to the end, because this podcast has a spe...