Deliver The Profile

What's this? It's the first EVER Deliver The Profile minisode! What is a minisode? Well, it's when the boys record something that's under an hour. Minisode #1 is their final word on Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. Ronnie and Jazz go through why the show doesn't work, its shitty characters and rank the episodes from least worst to worst. How could you not like this? It's less content!

Throw away the DVD set and hang up your Forest Whitaker pennant because Suspect Behavior is over - for good! For the season/series finale, Ronnie and Jazz (well, Ronnie) do the unthinkable: listen to the commentary track. What insights do the cast and crew have to offer? What insights do the hosts have? "Death by a Thousand Cuts" is about French Stewart forcing people to kill strangers or else he'...

While "The Girl in the Blue Mask" is more a riff on Eyes Without A Face, Ronnie and Jazz still spend most of the podcast's run time discussing taxidermy, what makes an acceptable 'subject' and how dermheads are persecuted by normals in our society. Suspect Behavior is almost over, folks, don't worry. This week also commits to some welcome development of Beau Garrett's character...welcome, that is,...

Still Suspect Behavin', still struggling. "Strays" places Richard Schiff's FBI director front and center when he uses the red cell to track down his goddaughter. This is a lot like Taken, only instead of Liam Neeson it's a half dozen morons and instead of a luxurious villain hangout the sex slavery auction takes place in an abandoned warehouse. Also: is Forest Whitaker Santa Claus?

Blame Jazz. He's the one who wanted the Suspect Behavior episodes off his hard drive, so for the next four weeks Deliver The Profile is putting the finishing touches on the beleaguered Forest Whitaker-centric spinoff. Things don't get off to a good start as "The Time Is Now", despite featuring A Talking Cat!?! star Eric Roberts and Giancarlo Esposito, is the worst episode of Criminal Minds the pod...

There's a new Ninja Turtles cartoon in town and that means Ronnie and Jazz are going to complain about it! For this April Fool's holiday enjoy a podcast - recorded months ago and unearthed today - about Nickelodeon's latest shitty permutation of Eastman and Laird's cash cow. What differentiates this from the last one? Where's Shredder? Why the hell do the turtles have such strange designs? Can't a...

You'd think an episode that ends in murder-suicide would be attention grabbing and entertaining. Well, you'd be wrong, as Ronnie and Jazz find out in their examination of Season 8's "Zugzwang". The culmination of the Reid's secret girlfriend subplot, "Zugzwang" manages to combine a mystery and petulance to create something starring the one Nickelodeon star who (probably) didn't get molested. Ronni...

Oz was such a good show, guys. Criminal Minds isn't, but they try to attach themselves to the prestige of Oz by casting Lee Tergesen as the unsub in "Retaliation", Season 5's effort at changing things up a little. It doesn't work. What does work? Prentiss is in a car crash. Kids have to interact with junkie hobos. That's pretty much it. Never program Deliver The Profile based on "well, Ronnie bare...

It's "The Fisher King Part 2" and questions are answered, like who is the Fisher King, does Elle survive getting shot, why the hell was the guy sending all that stuff to the team anyway and who does he have locked up in his dungeon basement. But that's not all. Ronnie watched the Season 14 finale and is full of invective towards it which Jazz hears. There's not much desire to actually talk about "...

Yes, this episode is fashionably late. That's because Ronnie's laptop died, he got it back, and then it promptly died again after a few days. But don't let that get you down, because we've got a good one for you. It covers the Criminal Minds 1st season finale, "The Fisher King: Part 1"! Who is the Fisher King? What is his obsession with old timeyness? More importantly, what does Criminal Minds goi...

It's Jazz's birthday! Well, it was, when we were recording this. As such, the top of the episode contains a review of the hosts' field trip to see M. Night Shyamalan's Glass. It sucked and yet was infinitely better than the podcast's first foray into Season 12, a season so bad it made people miss Thomas Gibson. "Surface Tension" is about a burn victim who loves sinkholes as well as Reid's wacky at...

We travel back to Season 1 of Criminal Minds with "Blood Hungry"! Just because Ronnie and Jazz are both fighting coughs doesn't mean they cannot talk to you about Doug Jones, Mandy Patinkin treating Garcia like shit, small towns and how to interrogate crazy people. Also, remember to call your kids, okay? It's important.

Criminal Minds is DEAD. D-E-A-D! After next season's shortened Season 15 it will be banished to the land of wind and ghosts. Fittingly, Ronnie and Jazz break from format of "talk about a specific episode" to cover everything related to this bombshell, such as what prompted the final renewal, what we can expect from the last 13 or so hours of Criminal Minds, and what the future of the podcast is. W...

2019 is off to a great start, by which we mean a start, with "House on Fire", an episode that at least changes up the pace some. Instead of killing by knife or gun or increasingly improbable specialized Rube Goldberg device, the unsub starts fires, seals exits and has people burn to death. This one has it all: The Blob (the Steve McQueen one), Michael Rooker, incest, Garcia learning an important l...

In what may be the dumbest episode of Criminal Minds we've yet covered, "A Thousand Words" is about a guy who calls in a suicide...his own! He turns out to be a serial killer with crappy full body tattoos that are key to solving the case. Dean Norris guest stars. The hosts feel the real doldrums of December podcasting, when video games, snow and movies about aquatic men beckon.

Back to basics as Deliver The Profile delves into "Magnificent Light", an episode about a self-help guy who probably causes more damage to the world than the serial killer who's obsessed with him. If that's not enough, the killer is one of those people who can naturally produce LSD, so he can see words! Witness the worst glowing word effects on television since Ghostwriter. Also witness the slow,...

That title means what you think it means: another Suspect Behavior episode. "Smother" has neither Smothers brother in it and instead has missing moms, inappropriate moms, breastbiting, video game playing, phone eavesdropping and vigils that shouldn't happen. The hosts are feeling good because it's the first time recording since SCOTT WALKER LOST RE-ELECTION. Celebrate good times, come on.

Wouldn't you rather be sleeping? That certainly is the case with "Awake", a Season 11 yawner about a man who's searching for his daughter and will prevent people who may know something from sleeping. This is thematically rich territory because J.J., fresh off maternity leave, is ALSO sleep-deprived. A J.J. episode. WONDERFUL. Be sure to listen all the way to the end, because this podcast has a spe...

Episode 106 represents a turning point for the podcast. The hosts' bemusement at the CBS procedural's continuance into its third presidential administration has turned to outright disdain following an explosive piece in Variety about the show's longtime director of photography being a known nutgrabber. (LISTENERS OF A SENSITIVE DISPOSITION: consider skipping the first 40 minutes of this podcast if...

This was recorded right before a Brewers playoff game, so if things seem rushed and haphazard then that is the culprit. This week Ronnie and Jazz anxiously eye the clock while discussing "Heathridge Manor", which for Deliver The Profile and Criminal Minds may as well be the Halloween show for the year, despite it being mid-November for the podcast and Criminal Minds originally airing it in April....

Business as UNUSUAL at Deliver The Profile headquarters with this episode, since "Psychodrama" contains elements that are a relative rarity. It has the original cast (that means Jason Gideon and Elle What's Her Name) and the unsub commits robbery and sexual assault, two things that are not too often seen on Criminal Minds. The unsub robs banks and makes anyone there strip. It's a lot less sexy tha...

It's a truth self-evident that ride sharing services such as Uber and Lyft exist only to rape and kill. (And that's just what they do to their employees/independent contractors/jail cover! Womp womp.) Criminal Minds puts that into practice with "Drive", a Season 11 yawner in which a driver is killing people. Or is he merely POSING as a driver? Who cares, really. The hosts sure don't, instead takin...

The Brewers lost to the fucking Dodgers and life is meaningless. But you don't care about that, do you? You care about the new episode of DELIVER THE PROFILE! This time it's an entry into uncharted waters: Season 13! Who are all these new people? Why did Paget Brewster get replaced by a pod person? Is Joe Mantegna gradually becoming some sort of Tamarin? The reason for this episode is summed up in...

It's back to normal for Deliver The Profile, as Ronnie and Jazz discuss "Closing Time", a boring episode of vanilla CM that doesn't even have the courtesy to use either the Semisonic song or even the instrumental off Tom Waits' album of same name. Boring normalcy is the point, though, as "Closing Time" is a Criminal Minds classic straight from the seventh season, about a guy cutting dicks off, wra...

Here it is! After nearly three years, Deliver The Profile (your ONLY Criminal Minds podcast) hits 100 episodes! Except we also did episodes that didn't count in the official numbering. Forget those! It's NUMBER ONE HUNDRED, BABY! We're hoping the milestone distracts from the fact that it's an episode of the Jack Garrett Imperialism Power Hour, aka Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. "Type A" features...