Decoding Narcissism, Manipulation And Toxic Ideas, with Frederik Ribersson

Smear campaigns are hoaxes. Hoax specialist Mark joins us to explain hoaxes, how they work - and how to recognise them. We discuss the psychology, the levers, how they hack our minds, and how they are used. Use these tools to recognise them, as well as how to react when you are the target of a hoax. Mark runs the insightful website https://americandebunk.com/ when he debunks political hoaxes. In t...

After a breakup, it is normal to feel some discomfort, and it can be challenging to sit with it. Instead, we might be tempted to numb ourselves, find coping mechanisms. But maybe sitting through it enough - and not too much - is a key to working out deeper themes that need addressing. And sometimes old thoughts surface, memories, that can help us better understanding what happened, and why, and ma...

From one day to the next, a whole group of people goes weird. But no one says anything. Are we just imagining things? Maybe we did something wrong? So how can we decode this? In this case, a listener is experiencing this in a work environment. A few things stand out: how can we tell if we're the problem? Usually, being worried we might be is a rather safe indication we are not. Then, if we can...

Learn how to use emotions to detect toxic signals in a relationship, symptoms of unhealthy relationships, and noticing when something is off. As well as reducing the risk a relationship becomes toxic. Dr Paul Ekman recently passed away and his work on emotions was ground breaking. We can use emotions to decode things happening around us that our rational brains don't see. But with emotions, we...

Toxic relationships are draining. And managing our energy is crucial in order to get our lives back. I share some thoughts and tips around this, while taking you for a walk - and hoping the noise is not detracting from the content. (If it is, please let me know and I won't record outside again). In short: get out and move! The body needs movement and toxic people feel like they're pulling...

After we trusted too easily, too much the wrong person, what do we do? Shutting down and no longer trusting anyone is safe. But... It leads to a very lonely life, and might be a bit of an overreaction, at least in the long term. So what can we do? And how to do it? A client asked me this question, I gave her a long answer, and thought it might be helpful for some listeners.

I noticed a series of strange signals before things get really weird - but I reacted calmly: I was prepared, this time. I'd started speaking with a woman at the hotel gym. I noticed some weird comments. Each, taken individually, didn't mean much, but together should have alerted me. I was going to have dinner and she tagged along. During the dinner, she attempted to switch on Drama Mode an...

A friend was upset: he's fallen out with an ex colleague, whom I happen to know. He was worried because of a former "colleague" who was smearing him. I happen to know the guy, and found him weird. In this episode I share part of our conversation. This is relevant for anyone having to deal with a smear campaign.

Narcissists HATE people talking. Why? Because they can't control what is said. They don't know what is said. That creates uncertainty and reduces their power. And yes, they will happily talk behind others' backs. Create falsehoods, narratives. But when people speak, they will realise conflicting narratives and might get suspicious. Look for a few things: 1. who wants to be the central...

One of the most helpful tools in systemic therapy is identifying primary and secondary goals. Otherwise we get hypnotised by words. I say I want to run a marathon but I smoke, eat pizza and don't even wear running shoes? Maybe I'm not a hypocrite, but maybe my primary goal is to do nothing whilst claiming I want to do sport, so I can feel better about myself. That's with an individual....

One of the first things narcissists do to make people take sides, such as after a break up, is Reputation Destruction. They will not only gossip, but also lie. Fabricate events. Mix truths and lies. And remove context. They play the "first mover advantage". Provided they can place an idea in someone's head, even with flimsy proof, the person becomes hypnotised. And we are ALL vulnera...

How can we tell if criticism is legitimate? Let's take a comment left on this podcast to see how we can test criticism to take onboard anything worthwhile, and avoid low level thinking / toxicity masquerading as legitimate criticism. In short: - consider "if this is true, what else would have to be true" - are those things true, or not? - what is the person actually saying? - are the...

Grief helps us move on. But grieving a "narcissist" presents specific challenges. Get it wrong, and we're stuck for too long. But get it right, and we can recover faster. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified 5 stages of grief: Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance David Kessler suggests a 6th: Meaning. In this episode, I share some thoughts you may find helpful.

Ever notice how narcissists (and others) use tone to mock someone they want us to disagree with? Sometimes it's baby voice: "And they said "You're unweasonable." Hahaha!". Why? It subtly signals to us that we shouldn't pay attention to what they are about to say. We can safely dismiss whatever the words are, because the person is being unreasonable, AS DEMONSTRATED...

Life during and after toxic relationships can feel like hell. And sometimes we find helpful ideas that help us get our life back together. I try to share those, and a major source of those ideas has been Scott Adams, the Dilbert creator, who also wrote some exceptional books to help people avoid bad ideas and have (as a consequence) better and happier lives. His birthday is June 8 (today) and he i...

Shame makes us look away, and that makes us MUCH more vulnerable to narcissists. But it's possible to recognise when we're feeling shame and STOP our coping mechanisms to REDUCE our vulnerability. I recently looked into shame and recognised some patterns I was not aware of, as well as coping mechanisms, and even dissociation. This explained some things I had experienced over the years. As...

I saw a post on social media about 8 mistakes to avoid when dealing with toxic people and... I disagree with nearly all of it. In this episode, I run you through the "advice", explain what I disagree with, and why - and provide my alternative suggestions. I hope you find this helpful and it helps you figure out what to do and, more important, what NOT to do.

Dogmatic people refuse to change their minds about topics. However, until we realise this, we can assume people are open to new facts or blind spots. But it's exhausting and dishonest. After all, if people are certain they are 100% right about everything all of the time (1 chance in a million), the probability we can change their mind is... 0%. So just say "I'm sorry, I didn't rea...

I went to an event and it was weird. One person was being hyper negative, hijacked the event, made people uncomfortable - and some "flying monkeys" encouraged it. Regardless of the details, we can learn from dynamics and hopefully help you avoid the same type of uncomfortable situation in the future by helping you be prepared.

Fungibility is a term used in economics to describe "items that can be mixed without differentiating the source". For example, if you and I pour a bottle of water into a pan, the water is mixed. We can't separate your water from mine. Most of us view attention differently. A partner's attention is worth MORE than a random strangers. But narcissists see things differently. They do...

Narcissists love pretending to be offended. It puts them at the centre of attention, they can pretend cry, get sympathy, bully others. But this is not enough for them. This is why they get offended "in absentia", they pretend to be offended "on behalf of people who are not present" - and who often do not actually exist. This is an effective strategy to bully others, but there is one key tell that...

Narcissists will accuse people of doing EXACTLY what they are doing. If you see a problem and want to make an accurate diagnostic, they will accuse you of complaining. This happened to me, recently. In this episode, I share how I handled the situation, the logic and techniques I used, so you might be able to use them too, if it is safe for you to use them. And, in all cases, this will make it hard...

After a toxic relationship, it can be common to obsess over what happened - and even date more people who present the same symptoms of personality disorder. Why? This episode explores some potential reasons -and what to do to avoid this.

Knowing red flags is helpful in avoiding narcissists BUT if we conflate them with red lights, it can PREVENT us from actually moving forward. It is vital to know the difference between red flags we learn to recognise and actual red lights. In the episode, we review what red flags are, why they are NOT red flights. And we look at what red herrings are, and why confused thinking makes us more vulner...

There are 6 levels of lying, from the least bad to the absolute worst. Once we recognise them, we are less easy to manipulate and be gaslit. The levels are: 1. Being wrong (technically not lying) 2. Hyperbole 3. Spinning 4. Lying And the two narcissist / cult levels are: 5. Brain washing (selling a world narrative that is false / unverifiable) 6. Gaslighting (telling you that "you are not see...