Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: A Podcast on Sibling Estrangement

Anger is a primary emotion which appears when we experience an injustice or our goals are thwarted. Maladaptive anger often feels unwarranted, unmanageable, and unresolved. This type of anger can mask a range of feelings, such as shame, fear, sadness, frustration, and disappointment; it is a secondary reaction to protect from fully feeling hurt. On the other hand, empowered anger fuels assertivene...

Should I speak up or should I keep silent? This question often plagues brothers and sisters in challenging sibling relationships. There are no hard-and-fast rules about what to do in each situation. Silence, the act of non-communication, is sometimes the best response, particularly when a sibling is presented with superficial or meaningless questions that are not worthy of an answer. Silence also...

Psychological time distorts how we experience estrangement, exacerbating a sense of incompleteness -- a lack of resolution in a relationship that feels like things are left unsaid or unaddressed. Without communication with an estranged brother or sister, there is no opportunity to understand, take responsibility, or apologize for one's role in the rift. Consequently, incompleteness and psychologic...

In this episode, we explore triggers – an unresolved feeling from an earlier life experience that influences a reaction in the present. Many are unaware that they have triggers, so the first step is to pay attention to your body to begin to recognize them. Some people may notice that they develop stomachaches, headaches, or shallow breathing when they become stressed or anxious. The triggers typic...

How do you talk about sibling estrangement? The topic is stigmatized, and some people can be judgmental. Still, those who are estranged need to find support. In addition, these discussions help reduce the stigma surrounding estrangement. Before the talk, assess whether you feel comfortable and safe with a friend or family member to share your feelings about your estrangement. Decide how much you w...

A viewer asked us to address a thorny issue: What are some constructive ways of dealing with sibling estrangement that was orchestrated by a controlling and/or disruptive in-law? In-laws or new partners exert great influence on siblings. When a sibling chooses a spouse or partner, family dynamics are dramatically altered. This episode explores some of the challenges new partners introduce into the...

Most people don’t think of growth when struggling with traumatic experiences, but post-traumatic growth is possible. Several elements define post-traumatic growth, such as appreciating life more fully, improved relationships with others, and a better understanding of self. We always have opportunities to choose how we will live and, as we adjust our lives and expectations to our new understanding...

50 episodes! Fern and Ali-John have reached a significant milestone, and here we reflect on our initial meeting, our video podcast, and our joint commitment to the sibling estrangement community. We marvel at the synergy between us, take stock of what we’ve done since the podcast's inception, and explore what we hope to do in the future. Our video podcast attempts to rectify the double isolation m...

Harry’s tell-all memoir, Spare, is not only breaking sales records; it’s also blowing the lid off of the stigma of sibling estrangement. In his book, Harry reveals the difficulties he has had with his brother, William, and how the relationship eventually devolved into a complete estrangement. Few are willing to admit they have no relationship with their own brother or sister, as friends and family...

Many people aren’t aware of the concept of toxic positivity, which is a subtle form of gaslighting and manipulation. This pattern of behavior rejects or glosses over negative emotions to project an upbeat, positive image. Especially evident at this time of year -- on holiday cards and social media -- toxic positivity can be a kind of group gaslighting that creates a false narrative of the happy fa...

How do we respond when a narcissistic sibling erupts in anger? The impulse is to erupt in anger, however, that’s not the best strategy to deescalate the situation. It’s almost impossible to win with a narcissist, so it’s best to avoid a power struggle. This illuminating episode provides guidance on what to do in these volatile, vulnerable moments when a sibling lashes out. There is a tendency to p...

This episode explores the new writing workbook -- The Sibling Estrangement Journal: A Guided Exploration of Your Experience through Writing -- that provides an opportunity to reach powerful realizations, gain insight, and discover resilience and truth – all between the self and the page. Sibling estrangement cuts across all classes and cultures, yet many don’t want to discuss this stigmatized topi...

Coping with sibling estrangement takes courage…lots of different types of courage. This episode explores the various forms of courage – physical, social, moral, emotional, intellectual, spiritual -- that help you balance yourself when you are battered by toxic relationships. Each type requires deep introspection and a kind of pruning of traits to acknowledge who you are now and how you have change...

What is a flying monkey? In narcissistic families, flying monkeys serve as proxies or pawns for the narcissist by guilt-tripping, shaming, and gaslighting an unsuspecting sibling or victim. This dynamic often occurs in large families where one sibling dominates and then employs others to do his/her dirty work. Flying monkeys are a kind of enabler who often love drama. He or she rubber stamps the n...

What are our emotional responsibilities in a family? In other words, what is my issue and what is my sibling's issue? Patterns of personalization -- where someone takes on something that isn’t theirs -- are set in childhood. It’s a type of over responsibility that manifests as a need to give order to an otherwise unexplainable situation. When it comes to sibling estrangement, personalization often...

How can you protect yourself against intense feelings of jealousy and sibling competition? Unfortunately, jealousy is common between siblings, and it often contributes to estrangement. That’s not surprising, given that many siblings compete over looks, intellect, and achievements. Parents may fuel competition by playing favorites. Several other factors -- such as differentiation, individuation, te...

Should I go no contact with my sibling? Ali-John has created a visual that helps assess this difficult question by measuring the health of the sibling relationship. By plotting coordinates, siblings can see exactly where their relationship falls in this four-quadrant graph. The horizontal line runs from humanization to dehumanization -- much of which is communicated nonverbally. The vertical line...

What are the differences and similarities between Borderline Personality and Narcissistic Personality? This insightful episode, the second in this series, continues to explore this confusing terrain. Borderlines, who often feel empty and abandoned, tend to focus inward and narcissists, who need others to validate themselves, typically look outward to balance themselves. In either case, siblings of...

Does your sibling show borderline personality traits? This episode explores what borderline characteristics look like and how they can strain sibling relationships. Individuals with these traits often fear real or perceived abandonment, experience rapid mood shifts, and engage in chaotic patterns of connection and withdrawal—pulling siblings close, then pushing them away. Low self-esteem and a dee...

Have you fallen into an avoidance trap? Is there a difference between security-based versus avoidance-based behavior in sibling estrangement? Low self-esteem can lead to poor boundaries, enabling, and avoidance. Often rooted in trauma, avoidance can generalize to all aspects of an individual's life and contribute to an individual's lack of voice and self-agency. Avoidance may be convenient in the...

What can estrangers -- the person who chooses to cut off from a sibling -- and estrangees -- the sibling who is cutoff and rejected -- learn from one another? Why include both parties in the Ali-John Chaudhary’s Facebook group, “Sibling Estrangement: Sharing, Coping, Connecting?” This compelling episode explores these questions, which have been raised by some members of the group. Estrangers and e...

In this special video, we reflect on Fern Schumer Chapman’s book Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation one year after its release. Fern shares her experience of estrangement from her brother, the heartbreak that shaped her journey, and what compelled her to write a book on sibling estrangement. Released during the pandemic, the book faced early marketing...

In this episode, we outline ways to establish goals for sibling estrangement and self-esteem, based upon Nathanial Branden's book, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Specifically, we determine how to build upon successes and learn from perceived failures. We identify tools for mindful living, so that we can become more present and prepare for a brighter future in the wake of sibling loss. To buy Fern's b...

In this episode, we explore the third and fourth tenets of Nathaniel Branden’s The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem : practicing self-responsibility and self-assertiveness. We examine how personal happiness comes from within, and how embracing this responsibility—while often frightening—can be deeply empowering. We discuss how this inner strength can be applied when navigating difficult sibling relation...

In this multi-part podcast series, we explore sibling estrangement an self-esteem, drawing on psychologist Nathanial Branden’s The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem . In this episode, we focus on the first two tenets: living consciously and self-acceptance. We unpack what it means to live consciously—developing awareness of our thoughts, emotions, values, and behaviors, and noticing how powerful feelings...