Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: A Podcast on Sibling Estrangement

Hoovering, is a self-serving manipulative trait that, yes, is named after the vacuum cleaner company. After discarding a relationship, narcissists often hoover to lure that person -- often a sibling -- back into the fold. Those who hoover have several tricks in their bag -- guilt, threats, illness, pity, future-faking, triangulation, smearing. Typically, someone who hoovers engages in a sickening...

In this new episode, we explore the importance of mental wellness and sibling estrangement. We highlight several key habits that can help foster well-being when relationships are shattered. For example, acknowledge and manage your emotions, recognize what you can control, embrace the present moment, and explore what you’ve learned from estrangement. We also emphasize the importance of setting goal...

With either the holidays or family gatherings, it's important to anticipate contentious political discussions and to consider how you will handle them when they arise. These discussions often evoke feelings of hurt, defensiveness, abandonment, and isolation – exacerbating distance and even estrangement between siblings and family members. In today’s episode, we discuss why politics drives a wedge...

Family text and chat threads can be a way for members to experience closeness, but these exchanges also can introduce distressing, hurtful elements into relationships. Texting is a limited form of communication, as participants can’t hear the tone of a comment or read a facial expression. That can lead to many misinterpretations. Sometimes, the exchanges can escalate into bullying, ultimately resu...

Smearing, an intentional, premeditated effort to tarnish or undermine an individual's reputation, credibility, or character, often emerges in estrangement. This manipulative tactic is a kind of power grab; the perpetrator discredits the target while gaining more credibility, acceptance and approval from parents, siblings, or others. Smearing can alter the family narrative, and the target often fee...

Our podcast has focused on sibling estrangement; however, parental alienation also is on the rise. In general, the reasons for estrangement are emotional abuse, mismatched expectations about roles, personality or value clashes, neglect, or traumatic history. But we rely on parents for basic emotional needs while siblings play a supporting role, and the power dynamics in these relationships are dis...

Estrangement causes profound grief. That pain is even worse when the shunned sibling has no idea why the relationship ended. Not knowing the reasons for the cutoff can be its own form of torture and rumination. A cut off may feel personal, though it may not be personal. Some cut off because they feel jealous or competitive. Others are hiding something shameful. This episode explains what causes th...

How to cope with ex-communication in the family? In some families, a few members may hijack the narrative and impose their own perceptions on others through distortions and lies. A skewed narrative may lead to cutting off those who don’t conform to the family identity. This is a devastating outcome, as humans have a fundamental need to belong. Sibling relationships are particularly vulnerable and...

Now, more than ever, people are opening up about their painful family relationships and how these tenuous connections have led to estrangements. Why are relationships so much more fragile now compared to other times in history? Several new social trends are contributing to fragmented family relationships. A disposable culture, the changing nature of the family, and a rise in individualism are some...

Emotional detachment and numbness -- when a person dials down feelings and is unable or unwilling to engage with others to avoid feeling pain -- is often experienced in sibling relationships. We may share our deepest emotions with a brother or sister, but he or she doesn't necessarily receive or respond to our vulnerability, leaving us feeling empty and disappointed. Those who are numb struggle to...

A member of our community asked us to explore how tragic loss affects those who are estranged from a sibling and how to cope in the absence of love and comfort from a brother or sister. The most devastating losses -- such as compromised mental or physical capacities, the death of a loved one, or even the loss of a job -- typically cause a shift in identity. These moments often heighten expectation...

People who reflect most deeply on sibling estrangement tend to be women in their 50s, 60s, and 70s. What happens at this time that provokes this exploration? American psychoanalyst Erik Erikson calls this a period, which is filled with feelings of inertia and unproductivity, “stagnation;” it comes in lieu of the “generativity stage” when we work and raise a family to contribute to the future. Many...

Shame and stigma color the topic of estrangement, making it difficult to know how to broach the topic with friends and family members. This enlightening episode explores ways to approach someone who has initiated a cutoff and someone who has been shunned. Here are a few suggestions: Don’t judge. Don’t challenge a sibling’s emotional experience. Actively listen, offer kind support, and don’t assume...

Many people don’t understand sibling estrangement, and some are unfamiliar with the word due to the shame and stigma surrounding the breakdown of a primary family relationship. It can be threatening to consider the possibility of estrangement, and some simply don’t want to hear about it. Others may have some awareness, but they may have misunderstandings about the experience. This episode addresse...

In the Sibling Estrangement – Sharing - Coping - Connecting Facebook group -- which includes both estrangers and estrangees -- a former member claimed the group is anti-family. She posted that estrangement is unhealthy, and it imposes a moral judgement on those who are estranged. In this episode, our hosts challenge this perspective, and point out that when people don’t resolve their conflicts, th...

Many people don’t see what’s right in front of them. In close relationships that provide a sense of identity or belonging, some people may unconsciously wear blinders so they don’t have to address problems that might threaten an important connection that provides security or attachment. Eventually, when these people open their eyes and examine what they’ve overlooked, they are in a state of shock,...

What are your goals for the new year? Do you want to limit contact with a difficult sibling, find your voice, improve your self-esteem, gain confidence in your decision-making, identify triggers, or break free of maladaptive coping patterns? This is a good time to identify what you want to take with you and what you want to leave behind from last year. This informative episode helps you identify h...

Holidays are rough for the estranged. Rumination, which is a challenge in general for those cutoff from family, seems to intensify from October until December as the holidays approach. Some ruminate about what they’re missing. Others ruminate over the dread of having to attend family gatherings with toxic relatives. Those prone to depression may get stuck in “loop” thinking, perpetuating a sense o...

Siblings in toxic relationships can get caught in a fog of confusion. A sibling may blame-shift and project their own narcissistic qualities -- self-centeredness, selfishness, and a lack of empathy – onto a brother or sister. This dynamic can become so blurry and muddy that an empathetic sibling may ask themselves, “Am I the narcissist?” In this episode, we unpack who’s who, what to expect of thes...

The dreaded holidays! This is the most difficult time of the year for those cut off from family. The estranged often feel a sense of emptiness and alienation from October to December every year. In this episode, we take on the challenges. What are the consequences of being excluded from family holiday gatherings? Should you go to the family event when you feel unwelcome, and how much of yourself a...

“Can you identify narcissistic traits in children?” asks a member of the Facebook estrangement support group. The answer is yes, with a big caveat. Children's behavior patterns change as they move through various stages of development. It’s important that parents and siblings don’t draw too many conclusions, especially before the child reaches the age of 12. In this episode, we identify 21 traits...

How can we explain family estrangement to children? One in four adults are estranged from a close family member, and children often are the collateral damage as they lose precious relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even older siblings. Children often personalize these cutoffs, feeling abandoned and unworthy; even worse, they fear others -- like their parents -- might aban...

Those bewildered by a cutoff with a sibling will benefit from this episode, Estrangement 101. What does it mean to be estranged? Has a sibling cut you out of his/her life? Is it for the best? Reduced communication, avoidance, emotional distance, conflict or tension, and physical separation are characteristics of estrangement. This episode is a primer to these painful sibling cutoffs. Here, we expl...

The highly sensitive person (HSP) is like a fine-tuned instrument who captures every note and nuance in the symphony of existence. These individuals with this personality trait can be emotionally reactive because of their heightened perception of the physical, emotional, environment, and social worlds. They vividly soak up the feelings and reactions of others. This hyper-sensitivity can lead to pe...

What is DARVO? This acronym -- Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender – is a form of gaslighting and a manipulative tactic often used by narcissists to gain power and control. Narcissists use this diverting strategy to invalidate, discard, and minimize a sibling and to safeguard their own fragile egos. When engaging in DARVO, narcissists change the facts and twist the narrative to cast themselv...