Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: A Podcast on Sibling Estrangement

In this informative podcast, we discuss how enabling can serve as the lifeblood to toxic relationships, encouraging, perpetuating, and facilitating a sibling's hurtful and devastating behaviour. We explore how our early life responses -- fight, flight, freeze, or fawn -- may become relationship patterns that have adverse consequences later in life. Some of these negative patterns may sow doubt and...

In the latest episode of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers podcast, we explore how narcissistic parents damage their children, and how the narcissist's toxic behaviors are dangerously normalized in families. These parents, who have arrested emotional maturity, will seek to validate their needs first at the expense of the child. Typically, children in these families cannot develop healthy emotional func...

In this informative podcast, we explore guilt -- what it is, how it defines us, and what role it plays in a family's expectations. We discuss how guilt plays upon the psyche of the family fixer. When interacting with a difficult sibling, guilt often drives enabling behavior -- which inevitably leads to an unhealthy, imbalanced relationship. We recommend practical, empowering techniques to help vie...

Those cutoff from siblings feel their losses acutely from October to December, when their hurts reach an emotional crescendo. Some may even re-evaluate their choice to maintain distance from toxic relatives. In this "holiday" video, we explore how joyful and cheery holiday messages can be hurtful and how painful it is to think about the family reuniting without you. How do those estranged from sib...

In this episode, we explore communication strategies grounded in assertiveness and empathy when interacting with a narcissistic sibling, informed by neuroscience and how the narcissistic brain functions. This empathic approach is not about enabling or excusing harmful behavior, but about creating opportunities for emotion-focused dialogue that may access suppressed empathy. We offer examples of ho...

In our latest podcast, we explore the interactions of agreeable and disagreeable siblings. Often, empathetic people discover the risks and traps of being congenial and amenable when involved with competitive, distrustful siblings. The compassionate may find that their natural inclination to allay a tense situation with their savvy communication skills may only heighten hostilities with a disagreea...

Narcissism comes in all shapes and sizes. Here, we explore the different types of narcissists and unpack how a narcissist's behavior plays out in interactions with our siblings. Often, we feel unfulfilled in a sibling relationship when conversations are one-sided, demeaning, deceitful, and even threatening, and these interactions can cause acute stress and even post-traumatic symptoms. Our goal is...

In the first episode of this new series on how narcissism can drive sibling estrangement, we explore what this personality style is and how it defines relationships. This informative episode will help viewers identify narcissistic traits such as lack of empathy, contingent self-esteem, exploitativeness, self-enhancement, hiding the self, grandiose fantasizing, devaluing, and entitlement rage that...

In this insightful podcast, we explore how important personality traits can play out in sibling relationships. Based upon Jung's description, we explore how introverts and extroverts express themselves. Fern describes how she and her brother have different personality traits and styles of communication that may have contributed to their estrangement. She describes how the two were able to find a s...

This podcast, the second in a two-part discussion on shame-shifting, offers viewers practical suggestions on how to cope with a sibling's shame-shifting, blaming and baiting. Often, when a sibling is exposed to these confusing, hurtful tactics, he or she may regress into childhood roles and an immature pattern of relating. Our discussion explores specific ways to guard against this tendency. In ad...

In this informative podcast, we discuss how narcissistic and toxic siblings often employ the manipulative strategy of shame-shifting. Those unfamiliar with this tactic may find themselves repeatedly injured by it. Fern introduces listeners to the concept through a personal story, and then, we zero-in on how siblings use shame-shifting. We also identify seven rules of shame-based families based upo...

In this next episode on estrangement and shunning, Fern shares how her father's silent treatment and a longstanding cutoff with her brother affected and defined her. This leads into a discussion on making the important distinction between shunning and a positive cutoff. We then explore what research has discovered about the effects of shunning on the brain, specifically how similarly the brain pro...

In this enlightening episode, we explore what it feels like to experience gaslighting. We identify the phenomenon's origin and how this manipulative practice applies to relationships in our lives -- including siblings. This deceptive tactic sows self-doubt as a means to exploit and gain power over another. To help empower those who are targeted, we identify catch-phrases typically used by gaslight...

In this unique podcast, Ali-John conducts the first extensive interview with author Fern Schumer Chapman about her new book, Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road the Reconciliation. Ali-John offers a brief introduction to Fern's background as an author, speaker, and educator. Then, the two discuss the book, which probes a forty-year estrangement between Fern and her only...

Hi everyone! In this timely video, we discuss Prince William and Prince Harry's risk factors for sibling estrangement. Estrangement cuts across all social classes, and even plagues members of the Monarchy. Here, we explore some of the risk factors for estrangement, including family trauma, parental favoritism, poor communication skills, and a sibling's choice to break away from family values. We c...

Hi Everyone! In this episode, we discuss how exposure through social media affects the estranged. This unique form of connection can raise challenging questions: Will exposure to estranged siblings through social media disrupt the grieving process and freeze us in ambiguous loss? Will we become addicted to creeping or lurking on the social media pages of our estranged siblings? Is it best to set a...

Hi everyone! In this informative new podcast, we offer ten tactics to help estranged siblings navigate the grief and bereavement resulting from the loss of a relationship with a brother or sister. Specifically, we discuss where people often get stuck and ways to get beyond that point. We talk about the risks of forfeiting our authenticity and our power for a single outcome and the danger of becomi...

How can a brother or sister accept sibling estrangement and grieve the loss of that defining relationship? In this important episode, Ali-John adapts Worden's Tasks of Mourning -- an action-oriented approach that doesn't emphasize stages and phases -- to sibling estrangement. To mourn, a sibling must: accept the reality of the loss by working through denial. process the pain by experiencing unwant...

For the start of the new year, Fern and Ali-John delve deep into indispensable insights they would have liked to have learned at a younger age about sibling relationships. They offer a range of advice about maintaining relations with a difficult brother or sister, including zeroing in on what really matters, using available resources, dispelling false expectations, living authentically, and being...

Hi everyone! In this informative video, Fern and I discuss the Family Myth, and how personal identity and behaviors can clash with a family's value system. Some people challenge the family myth -- through sexual orientation, interracial marriage, religious conversion, political philosophies and lifestyle choices -- and they may be cast out for straying from the predefined narrative. However, famil...

Hi everyone! In this important episode, we discuss attachment issues that can contribute to sibling estrangement. A child's interactions with his/her caregiver will determine social and relationship interactions in the future, according to studies. We explore various insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) and how they serve as a blueprint for an individual's future relationsh...

Hi everyone! In this 11th episode, we continue our discussion on birth order, focusing on common traits of the youngest child and how these can develop in healthy or unhealthy ways. We also explore how exclusion and tolerated bullying within families can contribute to sibling estrangement. Ali-John shares a personal experience that led to estrangement from his sister, while Fern discusses how estr...

Hi everyone! In this 10th episode, we discuss how birth order influences sibling estrangement. Fern opens our new topic by describing her lived experience with birth order. We then discuss how birth order contributes to the development of a child's personality, exploring Adler's Birth Order Theory which identifies specific characteristics and experiences of the first child, second child, and middl...

Hi everyone! In this informative video, we explore the differences in how men and women process emotions, determining which gender ruminates more. In addition, we discuss how men and women handle conflict differently -- through either "fight or flight" or "tend and befriend." We identify societal expectations and the influence of the Patriarchy which defines gender-based responsibilities that dama...

Hi everyone! Fern and I are back with a third video on rumination. In the third episode on rumination, Ali-John shares the tragic loss of a colleague, which leads to a discussion on the importance of mourning rituals for both the dead and the living to process loss. Ali-John identifies a self-appeasing, therapeutic tool to counter rumination. In addition, the two hosts explore the value of reframi...