Being there for your kids

     You know, as parents, we all want the best for our children. We all want to protect them from harm. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, bad stuff happens to our precious little ones. Unless you have a protective bubble you can keep your child in, they have to learn to deal with bad stuff. Bullying is the worst. Whether it is physical, emotional, or cyber, bullying can leave a lasting mar...

Who's the boss in your home? Of course, you are, right? It's not who's the boss that is in question. It's how you boss that tells the tale. If you are authoritative, then it's "My way or the highway." It's power-oriented. Things get done, but at what expense to the family and to your child? If you are permissive, then it's "Yes, dear. Whatever you want." It's still power-oriented, but your child h...

      All of us get out of sorts sometimes, teens in particular. You know, the go away, get out of my life, leave me alone mood?  Been there, done that. When you are confronted with that mood in your house, try not to slam him for being disrespectful. Rather, draw on your capacity for emotional intimacy, share something personal, relevant, and meaningful with him, and use your active listening whe...

     It's true. Babies in particular, but also children, teens, and grown-ups all cherish soft, gentle, loving physical touch. Touch is our nonverbal way of affirming the relationship we have with our children. I call it snuggle time. Especially in transition with babies up to pre-schoolers, such as around bedtime, snuggle time eases the transition and calms your child so they can gently fall asle...

      As parents, we usually don't admit it, but, we all have favorite children. You know, the one you seem to get, to mesh with best, who gives you the least amount of hard time. Nonetheless, in raising siblings, as parents you want to evenly and equally be both good parent and bad parent when it comes to discipline. When the job of discipline falls on one of you, the other has to back up and sup...

        Just how much "me time" should your teen have? My learned answer is, "that depends."  Teens need me time, to figure out what they like, what they want, who they are. In terms of personality development, we parents are responsible for 80% of the personalities our children develop, and that happens before they are age 5. Between ages 5 and 15, 15% of their personality comes from their peer g...

We all live in a cybernetic age. Computers, algorythms, gaming, texting, all just a few quick clicks away. Wow! What a temptation for our children...and for us. Woulddn't it be nice to have some research to back up your concerns. And, let's throw in some practical time management rules, so that our computers work for us, not the other way around. Well, here they are.

Too much worry can consume our kids, rob them of fun and friendship. What to do to help them not worry so much. Just saying "don't worry so much" is unhelpful. How about another strategy? When you notice your child worrying, use your active listening skills to help them calm down and be in the moment. Help him reframe his worry as a "what if" question. Then help him change the "what if" question i...

     It's true, a developmental imperative, that our kids will always test the limits. Why is that? Well, by testing the limits, they know that the limits are there. Our kids live within the limits we set for them. Those limits help them be less anxious, less afraid, more secure. However such limits are only set when boundaries are secured. It's within these secure boundaries that our kids can pra...

All kids make bad choices, some worse than others. What they do with those choices is the real key. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph told his brothers that what Satan intended for evil, God can turn to good. When your child messes up, use active listening, comforting, consequences, and available resources to help him turn his bad to good. We are drawn to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy for us. The t...

When our natural tendencies as parents are to yell, lecture, and pull a power play, it can be hard to spot an emotional fever, and harder still to use active listening as your go-to parenting tool in that situation. As awkward and uncomfortable you are when you first try to active listen your child, keep at it. Even better, own up to your efforts to change your approach to parenting and ask for fe...

When all is well and your child is curious, you have a natural teachable moment, where you can impart your wisdom. When your child has a problem, after you calm him down with active listening, you can ask permission to help him solve it and morph that exchange into another teachable moment. When you have a problem with your child, you can start to settle him down by asking, "This isn't like you, s...

Our children are constantly growing, getting bigger, developing their adult bodies. That growth will not stop until age 18-25 years. If your child is a bit pudgy, she will likely grow into her adult weight without extra effort. We all tend to grow out before we grow up. However, if her weight is a concern for her, or if it limits her fun activities or self-image, then you may want to help her addr...

Only 2% of the time is anger a primary feeling. That's called righteous indignation, when what you are witnessing is just...not...right. The other 98% of the time there is another feeling that the anger is covering. Since anger is the most socially acceptable negative feeling we all have, we feel better saying "I'm angry," than owning up to, "I'm frustrated, I'm embarrassed, I feel self-conscious"...

         We all want our children to have friends. They are the source of fun, fellowship, and play. But can we choose our child's friends? The answer is yes, but at cost to your relationship with your child. Do you want to risk that? Rather than simply say no, use your active listening and wise counsel to help you child make good choices. Also, with younger children, their friends are usually the...

It's great when things are going well with your child and between you and her. These good times are when you can instruct, direct, check-in, and offer teachable moments. When your child is in a funk, however, use active listening to hone in on her feelings and to help her sort them out. Active listening is the way to be there for her, helping her sort through all of her feelings and helping her wo...

Your kids have lots of things on their minds. You have wisdom for them. However, if you just drop it on them, you are likely to miss your mark. Look for entry points, where your words will have meaning. Where you see a wrinkled brow, a sigh of frustration, other signs of emotional fever, start by active listening. Now you are on the same page. When you believe he is ready to hear your wisdom, ask...

Of course you want your child to grow up to be healthy and well in mind, body, and spirit. We all want that for our children. Sadly, that won't happen if tragedy strikes. As your children make their way through life's stages, keep vigilance, instruct them, be there for them. When your children know that you have their back always, they can feel confident to tackle life's challenges and reach their...

And you thought helping your child stand and walk, get his homework done, making friends was the hardest part of parenting. Nope. It's simply letting go. Letting your child try and fail is a better lesson than doing it for them. The best lesson we will ever teach our children is how to handle their own problems well. When a lesson opportunity comes up, instead of jumping in with "no" or just givin...

We know that children go through developmental stages, but did you know that we parents do also? Our parenting stages identify the best kind of parental response for what your child is doing in their developmental stage. It would be silly to tell our newborn to get his own bottle, huh!  So, as parents, we go through hands-on parenting, directed parenting, advice-based parenting, and consultative p...

Every child goes through a stubborn time or two...or three or four... Stubborn attitude is actually a good thing in moderation. It's your child's way of asserting herself, testing her wings, defining her personal identity. It's also a challenge to your authority, a stalling tactic, and can lead to relational distance. As the parent, you can use your power and ascribed authority to make her do what...

In a healthy family, chores are not only essential to family functioning, they provide opportunity to show responsibility, pride, cooperation, and negotiation. Children even as young as 18 months can participate by helping to put up stuffed toys. As your children get older, chores get more involved. When you get blowback about doing chores, use your active listening skills to help calm your child...

No parent likes saying no to their child, but it comes with the job. Effective, healthy parenting includes strategically saying no to your child. If you always said yes, your child would end up with a sense of entitlement. That is, believing that she can have and do what ever she wants, and with no consequences. Wow! That would be a disaster waiting to happen. So, stick to your guns. Set healthy b...

Worrying is common problem for all of us. It's helpful in considering all the possibilities, but it's not helpful when it gets us stuck in a downward spiral. For both parents and teens, getting unstuck from worry involves turning your "what if" thoughts into "i wonder" images. What if keeps you still, while I wonder gets you moving. For extra motivation, add a reasonable, possible, positive outcom...

Launching our teens into adulthood is a major accomplishment for all parents. As they try to sort out who they want to be as an adult, forming their own individual identity, sometimes that results in way too much alone time in their rooms. While we want to acknowledge their need for their privacy, that need is not at the expense of being a part of the family. Use your active listening to help him...