Being there for your kids

Start where your child is. That's tip number 1 of my top 10. Your child's words and actions will give you a hint as to where he is emotionally at the time. As best you can, let him be and give him time. Make observations and offer to be his sounding board. Active listen when you get his permission, but don't try to change him. Help him figure it out for himself. Help him understand the impact of h...

I know you really want to do your best at this parenting thing. With all the distractions, confusion, and mixed messages, successful parenting can be hard. As a quick reference, and to make it a bit easier, consider my top ten helpful hints for successful parenting. These helpful hints will both help you put your concerns in context and also lead you to a strong, relational bond with your children...

None of us has ever been a parent before we had our first child. Parenting is often doing the best you can in sometimes difficult, trying times. While you do have to set limits, give direction, and follow through on consequences, it also helps to "catch them being good." What does that mean? Well, it's a kindness thing. Kindness comes in three forms: focus on being positive, practice praise, and d...

First newborn baby? Can we say equal parts of joy, love, and terror? How do we do this parenting thing. Most new parents determine to parent just like their parents or, (where there were bad experiences), just opposite of their parents. In any case, it's a new experience for you. So, be physically present. Cuddle lots, coo, tickle, play peek-a-boo. Also, be aware of how your new baby talks to you....

Are you in relationship with your children? Of course you are. Then you are communicating 24/7/365. It is physically impossible to not communicate. Soothing, explaining, directing, stony silent, staring. All forms of communication. Chapter 1 of my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is entitled, "Communication Is Relationship." Whether you are using verbal or nonverbal...

When our kids are hurting, you want to active listen their feelings. However, if you start every response with, "You feel..." soon your child will tune out, even if you are helping. So, dare to be different in active listening. Mix it up. Stay current with what you think he is feeling. Keep eye contact and throw in a few encouraging comments like, "Wow", "I think I see," and "Tell me more." Variet...

For kids, testing the limits is a developmental imperative. Why? They do so to help define their boundaries. Without limits, kids would be perpetually anxious and fearful. Boundaries and limit-setting by us parents give them the calm and security to function in the world. If your boundaries are fluid, she will try to take advantage of that. Fluid boundaries can lead to a sense of entitlement, wher...

Our kids are always paying attention to us, even when they seem not to be. When they have issues, you want to pay better attention. Empathy is a passive, "I understand what you are feeling" kind of message that my not get through. Active listening is more precise. "Wow! You sound like you feel awful right now." Active listening is your go-to response whenever you child is upset. Be there for her....

You can visually see what a healthy relationship looks like by imagining a transparent, Plexiglas pyramid. The pyramid shows levels of your relationships, starting with your relationship with God, above the apex of your pyramid. Extending downward are levels with your spouse, children, extended family, coworkers and acquaintances, and strangers. The quality of each relationship is related to how w...

Sometimes, hopefully not often, our kids behavior is out of control. In these times, they either act out, or they act in. Actor outers are impulsive, angry, feel misunderstood, and believe they are entitled. Actor inners are withdrawn, isolated, and feel bitter and unwanted. Both are in an awful place. As parents, we love our children whatever emotional place they are in, and we help them get to a...

Stealing is a universal child behavior. The question is size, damage, and whether he gets caught or not. Developmentally, stealing behavior falls under the category of testing limits. What to do? Stop the behavior. Confront, try to talk to your child to help him understand his needs and feelings through active listening, and give consequences. When stealing goes unaddressed, it leads to impulsivit...

Nobody likes trouble. It's not like we invite it into our lives. But, guess what? It comes knocking for all of us. So, when trouble come knocking at your door, or when your kids are in trouble, consider a response that includes total honesty and good timing. When people lie, they only double their trouble. When people delay their response, it creates uncertainty and concerns about minimizing or ma...

       Sometimes our kids come to us and tell us they are having a problem. Most time? Probably not. So, when you sense that something's going on, but your child is not forthcoming, how can you tell? First, notice any differences from the normal that your child is demonstrating in terms of mood, attitude, behavior. Second, make your observations in a non-threatening way and ask about what you see....

What do you worry about? Job? School? Family? Health? Sooo much to worry about. Did you know that 80% of your worry is for nothing? This is called destructive worry. It's worrying about things over which you have no control. The weather, your boss's mood, the stock market. All you can do with these things is give up your worry. Go with the flow. On the other hand, 20% of your worry is for somethin...

What's a benevolent despot? The two words seem to not go together. Despots are usually dictators, ruthless bad guys. When you are benevolent, you help others. You are kind and giving. How can a parent be both benevolent and despotic? Think of a king during the feudal Middle Ages. He had a castle with a big wall and moat around it. The villagers lived outside the walls of the castle. However, they...

Whether you are the mom, dad, or other parent figure, you lead your family unit. It comes with the job. How your children follow depends on how you lead. When we think of leadership, most folks are aware of the dominance or submission as leadership styles. The dominant parent declares "my way or the highway," and keeps the family in line with fear and power. The submissive parent says a lot of "ye...

     The two most significant moments for us parents in our children's lives are that moment of birth and their launch from adolescence into adulthood. We prepare our children for adulthood through their teen years, letting go little by little. As they learn individually to make good choices, exercise responsibility, and be accountable, they are ready to launch. Just as in our space launches, we p...

Isn't it interesting that you just know when your child is having a problem? It's like your "spidey senses" tingle. It's great that you are that tuned into her, but what are you drawing on to figure it out? You child gives off both verbal and nonverbal signals when something is wrong. There's no pattern here, except that what she is saying and doing is typically not like her. In fact, some parents...

      We all have stress, probably all the time. It's either distress or eustress. It's how our body and mind react to bad stuff and good stuff, respectively. As parents, we need to monitor our children's stress levels by being there to help them talk it out through active listening, and also by modelling how we effectively manage our own stress. The first step is to breathe deeply and meaningfull...

As parents, our natural instinct is to defend our children, to fight their battles for them, to protect them at all costs. But is this natural instinct the most helpful for your child. The answer is, not necessarily so. Your response to your child's problems depends on the kind of battle and the age/stage of your child. However, as with any situation where you see his emotional fever spike, start...

     You know, stuff happens. As the parent, you want to handle that stuff in the best, most effective way. Frequently, parents use time-out to handle stuff. However, how you use time-out is more important than that you use it. Some parents simply put their child in time-out "until I say so." This is unhelpful. It makes the parent feel good, feel powerful, but most children simply wait out their p...

       Do you ever stop parenting your child? Nope. You signed on for the long haul. In Proverbs 22:6, Solomon cautioned us parents to "raise your children in the ways of the Lord so that, when they grow old, He will not depart from them."  That's pretty daunting. What you say to your children, how you act, how you parent, will be with them for all of their lives, whether you are there in person o...

       It's true. Indispensability is a curse!! If you have to be the one to do the job and get it done right, then you are failing as a parent :(  Doing it yourself may be a short relief and save you time and steps, but it is a longer term problem. How will your kids learn sharing, helping, and personal responsibility if you are doing it all for them? If you are indispensable, then you are doing...

Why is active listening such a big deal? It is the go-to response when you see your child in any kind of stress, difficulty, or emotional pain, what I call an emotional fever. Active listening calms her down and is the balm for her distress. When you are active listening your child, you are conveying your efforts to say back to her what you think she is feeling. You are not judging, not criticizin...

     Being alone is a funny thing. Sometimes it's good, renewing, and delightful. Other times it's alienating, foreboding, and unwanted. As parents, we want to understand and allow for all of the moods that our children may experience. He's been in his room by himself a long time now. Does he just want to be alone? Is he lonely? Is something going on? Rather than guess or hope he is okay, check it...