Being there for your kids

       No matter how wonderful and angelic your child is, nonetheless it is likely that he will throw a fit at some point. When its in public, how embarrassing! If your power options don't work, go to active listening. He's throwing the fit for some reason, and reflecting his feelings will help him calm down. If he is out of control, to where you fear for safety and property, then consider physica...

If your life in your family happens at a break-neck, frantic pace all the time, you need to build into your schedule some "me time."  Of course, crises of all shapes and sizes will continue to happen, but with priortizing, delegating, healthy boundaries, and reinforcing, you can get through the crises better and build me time into your day. Some moms of pre-schoolers have actually tole me that the...

As a parent, settle down time is an opportunity you never want to miss. This is your child's bedtime. Not all parents get it right, but when you do, you enhance the love and relationship you have with your child. For pre-schoolers who may stall to have more time with you, after about 15-20 minutes of settling down, introduce her to the snuggle bunny. This metaphor helps her be still and quiet. Wit...

When it's hard to change old habits that don't work for you, you may need to get a round tuit. Mine is a kitchen potholder that says, "here's what you need when you are not doing what you need to do, and you need to get a round to it."  After helping your child sort out his difficulty, using your active listening, ask permission to brainstorm possibilities with him. After he puts together a workab...

Part of effective, healthy parenting is your ability to say "no," mean it, and stick by it. Confronting bad behavior, setting boundaries, and role modeling all require your ability to say "no."  Put your hand up in stop sign fashion and firmly tell her "no." When you get blowback, use your active listening to soothe your child's upset, but maintain the "no." Remind your child to accept your decisi...

When do you reflect, "Ahh. This is what parenting is all about." Those are the best times ever. You don't have to wait to win the lottery or to go on your dream vacation. These best times ever happen daily when you get to soothe your child and impart your wisdom as well. You see your child's eyes light up. They are calmed and they get it. Teachable moments occur at any time on your life's journey,...

Oh, boy! You did it now. You and your partner just had your first baby. Parenting is a 24/7/365, full-time, never-ending job. Like a circus act, just how do you keep all those plates spinning in the air at the same time? Several things come to mine. With newborns, when they sleep, you sleep, or at least rest. You can get other things done while your baby is awake, and they will get more quickly us...

If you are not parenting an only child, then you contend with sibling rivalry. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. Younger children tend to look up to their older siblings and want to be just like them. Help you older children be good role models for the younger ones. Siblings close in age tend to grow up together. If there are 3 years or more between the siblings, they tend to have separate peer...

Because you are a parent, you use some form of behavior management with your children. The question is, does what you are using hurt or help him grow responsibily? Just because your parent may have used the belt on you doesn't make it the right form of discipline. What does your child learn from such punishment, except maybe to fear you? In Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting...

When things are going well, make lots of conversation with your children. Direct, instruct, or just check in with them. When you notice signs of emotional fever, use your active listening to help your child calm down and get perspective. When her fever seems to have subsided, ask permission before offering your own thoughts and perspective. Healthy parenting is the are of balancing talking and lis...

Most parenting falls into one of three categories. Some parents are way too power-oriented. That would be authoritative. My way of the highway. Don't give me any backtalk. Do it now! This parenting breeds cowering children who just can't wait to be grown and gone. Other parents let their children get away with just about anything. That would be permissive. Okay, honey, whatever you want. Here, can...

It's hard to try on new things. As a rule, we are used to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy. We have to make the switch to the healthy and keep with it long enough for it to become familiar. When learning new ways to interact and to talk with your child, don't keep your efforts a secret. Let them know how you are trying to change and get their feedback. When you go from scolding and power pare...

As families, we all want to make it well. Unfortunately, many families just get by. In Scripture, Jesus calls us to "have life and have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). I look at this encouragement as the difference between just surviving as a family, being functional, getting things done, as opposed to thriving as a family. When we thrive, we are joyful, cooperative, helpful, engaging, and we wa...

Getting and keeping organized, especially as a family, is an art form. The bigger the family, the more important that you are organized. Everybody has a job to do, responsibilities, and accountability. If you are already there, great!! If not, consider these starting points. Assess with your spouse how your family can be run more efficiently. Think about all the everyday tasks for each person's ne...

Going from a loving couple to parents of a newborn is one heck of a major life change. Because that baby is completely helpless on her own, you are who she calls on 24 hours a day. The learning curve for both of you is very steep, but the love and reward is boundless. Learn the types of cries your child lets out. Is this the I'm poopy cry? I'm hungry? I want attention? I'm hurting? or the most use...

Parenting is a lifelong job for which few of us have training. Often, we either wing it or model the parenting we grew up with. One of the great mysteries of parenting is tracking your child's behavior to help determine whether what she's going through is a mood or a symptom. Several child development theorists have chimed in on the subject from different perspectives. Do your homework. Also, use...

As a child, growing up, what are some of the best...times...ever that you remember with your family? As a parent in your own family now, what can you do to help your children have the same kind of "best ever" memories to take from their childhood? To the extent that you develop healthy relationships with your kids, make quality time with them, and nurture their kindred spirit, creativity, and effe...

Not only is "me time" allowed. It is essential for you to be at your best as mom and dad. In Matthew 22:36, Jesus calls us to "Love one another as you love yourself." It's hard to give your all to healthy parenting if you don't take care of yourself. This is not an either/or. It's a both/and. Consider the Pyramid Effect. First, God is above the pyramid on which you perch. As your relationship with...

The prize vase is broken. Could the accident have been avoided? Probably. Was the vase broken on purpose? Probably not. Does your son need to learn the lesson to be more careful? Absolutely. Now, your job as parent is to construct circumstances where that lesson will be learned and appreciated. If you choose punishment as your lesson-learning tool, your child may become more careful, but out of fe...

If getting your child to bed is World War III, how's that working for you? Bedtime can be the best time with your child, depending on how you structure it. Give her some settle down time, where she can transition from the day to snuggling in bed. This is where you talk about your days, read stories, sing lullabys, and get all of the stall tactics out of the way. After settle down time, consider us...

As parents, we all are faced with a parenting choice. Do we want power over our children? Or do we want relationship with out children? Don't confuse power with authority. As mom and dad, you always have authority. The question is about how you use it. You can use power, by yelling, spanking, and exercising other forms of discipline. Power gets you compliance, but at the expense of relationship. D...

Sometimes chaos just breaks out and you have to go into crisis mode. When your children aren't getting along, what to do? Each of your children is precious to you and you love each uniquely, but you still have to maintain order and keep them from killing each other. Several steps in the process are important. Separate for each (and you) to cool down. Active listen each child's emotional fever with...

A space launch is a great metaphor for shepherding your teen into adulthood. The journey begins at birth, and you will always be his mom and dad, but letting go helps your teen launch into adulthood. You and extended family are part of his launch crew. The lessons you have shared with him along the way, the teachable moments, are all part of his training for mission. As he leaves Earth's atmospher...

Your kids will get your attention, one way or another. Sadly, negative attention is often easier to get. It's more immediate and all-consuming. Punch your sister when she's not playing fair? Mom will be on you like white on rice. Positive attention usually takes longer and can be set aside with a brief response. Come home with good grades and showing mom? "That's nice, honey," as she continues on...

"Okay! Who made this mess?"  Your question is met with a chorus of "not me's" When and how do you get to the truth? First, how important is the mess? If it directly affects you in the moment, then it needs to be straightened first. Deal with the lying later. Whatever the timing, when confronting the Not Me-er, make sure you child understands his choices. If he messed up and owns it, you have a tea...