Because You Watched Starcrash

“What are you acting all crazy for?”The Nicolas-athon Cage-athon continues with our first Werner Herzog joint, The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call: New Orleans: Can We Possibly Fit Any More Colons into This Title? Topics discussed include the Millenium Films catalog, the film-ness of this film, Herzog’s career, breaking the 180-degree rule, Terence’s “save the cat” moment, a fine Goodfellas compariso...

“I cried throughout the entire thing. It made me want to be a better man.”  We’re at the end of an era, folks. The Nicolas Cage season of Because You Watched Starcrash draws to a close with our obligatory holiday movie and a spectacular piece of metafiction. Your Distinguished Professors and salute the man of the hour. Topics discussed include our latest accompanying whiskey, yet another manifesta...

Vampire’s Kiss (1988)  “You’re in the goddamn crapper, Loew, and I’m trying to take a dump. So either shut up and leave the acting lessons for home or go back to the ladies’ room.” Is it a deft American Psycho -level satire, a taut supernatural or psychological thriller, or insane, ridiculous crap? That’s the question facing our Distinguished Professors as they discuss the 1988 Nicolas Cage meme-f...

“Where’s Conan when you need him?” The distinguished professors discuss Jim Wynorski’s The Lost Empire and continue to do this profit-turning genius appropriate homage. Topics include trying to figure out what genre this film fits into, comparison with Fu Manchu, its Producers -like origins, self-aware dumbness and sexploitation, connections with Russ Meyer, Elvira-level wordplay, video game struc...

Ho-Ho-Hallmark Holiday Special A Christmas Wedding Tail (2011), A Christmas Melody (2015), and Christmas Mail (2010)  “Don’t worry, I’m a city girl. This small town is not for me.”  Welcome to our 2023 Holiday Special, in which your three Distinguished Professors move from the big city to a small town and find love in only the most formulaic of ways! We invite our podcast’s first special guest, Ja...

Willy's Wonderland (2021) - Because You Watched Starcrash

“I had a miserable time tonight because of you.” It’s our first Francis Ford Coppola joint on Because You Watched Starcrash! And Kathleen Turner! Oh, and some other guy who was once named Coppola is in it, too. Your Distinguished Professors watched an early entry in the Nicholas Cage-verse, Peggy Sue Got Married, and now you’re going to hear about it! Topic discussed include Madonna’s genitals, th...

“This is a story whose chapters were carefully written.” In their ongoing exploration of the filmography of one Nicolas “Jor-El” Cage, the Distinguished Professors have watched the 2006 remake of The Wicker Man , which has 100% less depth and 1000% fewer boobs (don’t check my math) than the original. Topics covered include the intense dumbness of the conspiracy to trap our hero, the clunkiness of...

Ho-Ho-Holiday Special III – GI Joe: A Real American Hero Episode 1:39, “Cobra Claws are Coming to Town” (1985) and He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985) “Well, I don’t like to feel good. I like to feel EVIL!” Your Distinguished Professors have prepared quite the holiday treat – we’re going back to 1985 with two ridiculously bad extended yuletide toy commercials! Topics discussed include co...

Back to the Future (1985), Back to the Future Part II (1989), and Back to the Future Part III (1990) “What are you looking at, Butthead?” In an amazing finale, your time-traveling Distinguished Professors end their journey with the Back to the Future trilogy! Topics discussed include Back to the Future ’s enduring excellence, the issues with the sequels, Part II ’s surprisingly weak visual effects...

“And if anything happens to the rose plants in my absence, then I will send you to hell.” This week your Distinguished Professors take their first trip to Bollywood with the Back to the Future ripoff/ homage Action Replayy! Singing! Dancing! Subtitles! A super-hot mom! Topics discussed include even worse grammar for our opening, lowering. . . our voices, musical numbers and their diegetic role in...

“Thou art to be hanged, and then burned over a basket of living cats.” Your Distinguished Witchhunting Professors cross wits with the insane occult time travel movie Warlock ! And since no witch can cross no consecrated ground, they discuss the first of our magical time travel movies and a reference to Outlander , the dreaminess of Julian Sands, Lori Singer as the resident hot new wave girlfriend,...

“You don’t need a stretcher up there – you need a mop!” Just in time for the very most spookiest part of the year, your favorite Distinguished Professors discuss the films that established the slasher movie genre – Halloween , Friday the 13th , and A Nightmare on Elm Street – in their offensively-named named Goryhole Special! Topics covered include Psycho ’s origination of the slasher genre, Hallo...

“My mother was a rather atrocious woman in her way, but her many failings did not include raising mentally deficient sons.” Your intrepid Distinguished Professors unwittingly fall once again into the horrid clutches of Corey Feldman in 1979’s Time After Time , featuring a sexy and villainous David Warner and a decidedly less sexy role for ordinarily sexy and villainous Malcolm McDowell as highly u...

“Big mistake, dude!” Your Distinguished Professors tackle a movie that temporarily killed a franchise and that isn’t X-Men 3 ! We suffered through the joyless simulation of a movie that is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III , so now you have to listen to us chat about it! It’s only fair! Topics discussed include the confusing proliferation of TMNT media, a plug for The Toys That Made Us , Corey Feld...

“Beeee-dee beedee – what a fox!” In this memorial episode, the Distinguished Professors pay homage to TV bombshell Markie Post, another of the honored fallen of 2021, by watching a two-part episode of the disco sci-fi epic Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, “The Plot to Kill a City”! Topics covered include a lot of initial free product placement, a justification of Buck Rogers as a time travel story...

“Christ! I’m getting tired of this guy!” This week your Distinguished Professors continue their run through time travel cinema with 1993’s Mark Hamill vehicle Time Runner ! Topics discussed include the alternate title, its setting in 2022 (the future is now!!!!), why you just can’t trust a guy named Neila, ripping off both The Terminator and Star Wars , how the demand for knock-off movies was vita...

“Time travel. It’ll turn your brain into spaghetti if you let it. Best not to think about it.” This week your Distinguished Professors grab some pints and go full-on Imagineer with the British science fiction comedy epic Frequently Asked Questions about Time Travel ! So let’s all call Hollywood sh*t and talk about Clink’s Carson routine, Berres’s inability to remember that Bonnie Tyler wrote “Tota...

“Beware of the sacrilege!” This week your Distinguished Professors enjoy a film with Tom Hanks, fresh off his days of bosoming and buddying and on the cusp of a noteworthy acting career: the D&D-sploitation movie Mazes and Monsters ! Roll for initiative as we discuss the sad fact that two-thirds of this podcast can’t drink a man’s beverage, the “real-life” roots of this story, a series of trag...

“Dry hair’s for squids.” This week the Distinguished Professors dive deeply into the work of auteur Charles Band with the time travel adventure of future-noir tough guy Jack Deth in 1984’s Trancers ! Topics covered include forbidden early forays into porn-watching, connections to Quantum Leap , the five sequels to this movie, the recent loss of Peter Scolari, doing battle with Santa, the burned-ou...

“Then there were days, good days, when by anyone’s judgment they would have to be considered clever.” The Distinguished Professors get serious with their time travel with 2004’s Primer , an intense independent cinematic experience involving 20-something engineers in suburban Texas entering and leaving a storage facility at various times. Topics discussed include the $7000 budget, dilation, the lac...

“Well, double-dumbass on you!” The Distinguished Professors travel at warp speed into their time travel adventures with an impromptu episode right after a theater showing of Star Trek IV ! Topics discussed include Clink’s review of basic time travel theory, Trek time travel’s creation of alternate universes, the replacement Lt. Saavik, attempts to resolve whether Liz Taylor was ever in a Star Trek...

“He says, ‘In America, everyone is a gynecologist.’” You’ve been waiting. You’ve been wanting. And now we’re going to give it to you. Distinguished Professors. Verhoeven. Showgirls . Topics covered include Berres’s first bad movie ka-tet (hat tip to Dave and Jessica), the pointlessness of the VH-1 TV version, the not-so-hidden misogyny of Joe Eszterhas, the good parts (which actually do exist), a...

“It’s time for the Three Musketeers to saddle up and ride to glory, KnoWhutImean?” To save Christmas 2021 from the triple threat of a COVID-19 variant that sounds like a Transformer, a dire shortage of cream cheese, and general malaise, your beloved Distinguished Professors bring you the 1988 Christmas miracle that is Ernest Saves Christmas ! Topic covered include an overview of the Ernest cinemat...

“Oh, Wiploc, I think I’ll miss you least of all.” On this outing your Distinguished Professors crash land in the backyard swimming pool of 1988’s Earth Girls are Easy ! Topics discussed include a rival Dr. Love, the omnipresence of this movie on Comedy Central back in the day, this podcast as a social contract, the failure to launch Julie Brown’s career, the strange hotness of Geena Davis and Jeff...