Be the Change in Your Marriage

My clients are absolutely extraordinary women.  Not because they are beautiful, intelligent and talented (though incidentally they are all that as well), but for one very simple reason: They have the humility to ask the question, “Might I be in the wrong?” Why the word choice of “wrong”?  Kind of a problematic word.  I choose it to highlight the way we often oversimplify conflict in our relationsh...

Now what do you do when your husband acts like a categorical snotlord?  When he talks like a complete jerk, or as Shakespeare would say, a droning, dog-hearted death-token? Let’s say you tell him you’re too tired for sex, and he calls you a “frigid beach… towel”.  It’s so easy, when the man says something so inexcusably rude, to react with shock and outrage, call him your own choice names, to shun...

Are you surrendering or settling? Are you saying, “Ok I can work with this?” or “Wake me up in ten years?” Are you seeing the distinction?  You could be in a true place of surrender and still work your love handles off to make things better.  It just means you’re not going to bang your head against any walls that might crop up along the way.  You are laboring toward outcomes without being attached...

Have you noticed that the more desperate the situation in your marriage becomes to you, the less he seems to care? The more you create urgency around the need for him to show up, and try to wake his thick head up to the fact that he’s in danger of losing you, the more he flees the scene. You are Googling divorce attorneys and he’s playing golf. His behavior is making it abundantly clear that your...

Summer, no one appreciates what I do.  I could wake up at 3:00 am and bust my fanny til midnight and no one will care, and they sure as heckwads won’t say thank you. That sounds spectacularly painful, and as the mom of many, I understand where you’re coming from. Let’s get something straight right now.  They are never going to give you the appreciation you deserve. Never. No one can ever appreciat...

 No woman gets married and thinks to herself “Now I get to spend my life feeling misunderstood, recycling the same argument five times a month, and regretting my major life decisions.  And yet, I talk to so many women who are slogging through life, feeling that nothing will ever change, cursing themselves for marrying a narcissist whose emotional aptitude is still wearing size 6 diapers. Living in...

You want your marriage to be different.  You want your husband to be different.  You want him to listen to you and seem to actually give a flying Farquaad for your feelings. You are weighed down with disappointments.  Your wishes seem empty as you note each time he pulls away or says, “You’re just overreacting!” All of the evidence supports your claim that he can’t do relationships and will never...

You don’t have to not be in love anymore. You can decide that you like being in love and kick the backlog of icky stuff to the curb and start doing loving things.  Hold on for a longer kiss.  Count to 7 and melt into it.  Remember the gooey feelings you had when you first kissed.  Remember all the flutters.  Seek to feel them again and you will find them. You can trust in Karma and decide you don’...

Finding peace, love, coziness and contentment in your marriage again may seem impossibly out of reach, but it’s quite possible- it’s beautifully rewarding, and results come about much faster than you might think.  Here’s the basic framework... Ok Summer, I know about all that kind of stuff and I’m always trying to do it.  I try to be nice to myself and tell myself to think positive thoughts.  I tr...

Sometimes, sometimes your husband gets mad at you.   Happens to me, to you and to Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. Maybe it’s because we didn’t back him up in grounding Ella for taking the car without permission.  Maybe it’s because he wants more cause and effect in the bedroom.  Whatever the reason, it can feel scary, and we feel a strong impulse to deflect and defend. “How dare he!?” We think, “...

I’ve had several recent one on ones on the subject of rejection, and I’m feeling the urge to riff about it. James Altucher once said, “Rejection-and the fear of rejection-is the biggest impediment we face to choosing ourselves”. And how does rejection or rather, the fear of it, keep us from choosing ourselves? We do not take the action which would bring ourselves joy, because of what we tell ourse...

I’ve been told that Be the Change in Your Marriage as a name is triggering and sets off feminist “alarm bells”.  Let’s talk about this.  I find it extremely interesting that the name should have this effect given that it’s widely accepted as fact that it isn’t possible to change another person, and you can only change yourself. Therefore, “being the change” in a relationship of two, is really the...

Should I move the laundry to the dryer or go pee first?  Better go pee if I’m starting the washer next.  Oh speaking of water, did I ever get Jackson the drink he was asking for? No  And did I water the fern? Should I do that on my way to the bathroom?  Wait, baby Emma dumped out all the salt from the salt shaker. Where are all the dustpans? I think maybe Ethan left one in the hallway. Ethan?! Can...

Do you sometimes find yourself wondering how the monster got inside you who randomly rages at your husband and/or kids?   Do you lash out at them and then lash yourself forty times with the guilt? Do you feel like you’re the only one who cares about your family’s well-being, and then, in your darkest moments, when the ramen noodles hit the fan, and the poop hits the carpet, wonder why you even bot...

Do you sometimes feel like no one really cares about your feelings? In the lyrics from Dear Evan Hansen: Do you ever feel forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Do you ever feel like you could disappear? Like you could fall and no one would hear? As you wipe another nose, unstick another backpack zipper, clean another toilet, and make another peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and then look over at yo...

At 25 years old, I thought my world was ending.  I thought I’d lost my last chance at happiness, because I had married someone who wasn’t loving me the way I thought I should be loved.  I felt rejected.  I felt hopeless.  I railed on myself for being so utterly foolish and for being too weak to step away earlier.   I felt powerless, weighed down with resentment and blame, unconscious of the fact t...

When you’re deep in distress, getting out of bed can require every ounce of your willpower and might be the most difficult step you’re called upon to take.  It also might be the single most important. Listen to this tender quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. “If you cannot fly then run, if you cannot run then walk, if you cannot walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forwar...

The personality you’re carrying around and displaying to the general public is only a set of defenses you’ve gradually constructed through your experience of growing up. The way you navigated your childhood and dealt with the needs, pressures and emotions in yourself and others, crafted the set of apparel you wear. Some are sporting a 90 pound suit of armor, and others a sleek pair of stretchy pan...

Given that your 14 year old is spending his math class playing Call of Duty mobile, and your Mother-In-Law is dropping less than subtle hints that her son deserves a wife who cooks more frequently, you definitely have enough on your plate without stressing over fake problems that really don’t require your attention. It is such a breath of fresh air to let go, so I invite you to declutter from your...

I just plowed through Michele Weiner-Davis’s awesome book, DIVORCE BUSTING. It reminded me of how much I used to enjoy using Solution Focused Brief Therapy with my therapy clients. It is such a simple but absolutely brilliant mindset shift. It’s like a giant shovel that digs out all the thick, stinky piled up muck of complications and negativity to zero directly in on the pinpoint of light shining...

I call it your “Secret Horror,” because I love to wax melodramatic, but in the literature it goes by many names: “Cracked Identity,” “Schema,” “Raw Spot,” “Self-Defeating Belief,” etc. What you really need to know about it, is that it’s a thought or a story you’re carrying around with you because some buried part of you has learned to believe it, but it really only sticks around because you're too...

What if you were thinking of ending your marriage, but you decided to go all in on seeing what could be salvaged of it, so you could tell yourself you did your best? And what if after all that work you fell in love again and lost every desire to leave? Marriage wisdom from awesome realtor Jaydee Shepherd www.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com . “What is Your ‘Wife Style’?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinterac...

The Oxford Dictionary defines contempt as the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn. And it’s a huge predictor of divorce. So much so that John Gottman wittily named it one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In Gottman’s estimation, and the man has some serious street cred, the state of the marriage always comes back to the emotional climate....

As a wife and mom, you know you are winning when: You make the successful transfer of a sleeping baby from your arms to the crib. When the black marker scribbles all over the couch AREN’T Sharpie. When your husband tells you your hair looks cute. When the poo’s firm enough to plop in the toilet and do a one wipe jobber. Etc. These “wins” are precious, not because they make life easier, though that...

Now hang onto your Shea Butter baby wipes, because I want to tell you how I met my husband and how it all ties into the core message I want to bring to the hearts of suffering mamas. Divorce involving kids is worse than being slathered in honey barbecue sauce and braving a swarm of wasps while you have “I’m All About That Bass” stuck in your head. Trust me. So my hope and prayer and fervent belief...