Bcomingundone

The primal voice is helping. 4hrs spent hard labor gardening. My friend shared with me the 3 breath hug because he knew I had difficulty with intimacy and relaxing into another’s presence.

Fractured human- rapid descent of becoming undone Side note I did take myself to urgent care for intervention. "Always felt that there'd be trouble Mass distraction hides the truth Prozac days and sleepless hours Seeds of change that don't bear fruit" Age of Reason, Black Sabbath I'm flailing in fear. Gripping onto grass to help keep my ass grounded. I'm scared being awake not knowing how to live...

Woke up with hot flashes. Menopause onset is happening. I have fears this is the last of my sexual self. I am changing my idea about not nesting with my sex. I would like the end of my life spent nesting with my partner I had great sex with; I would love my last winter days spent living closely with my lover. Doesn't mean right now though.  Good thing about menopause, is that without the biol...

Last episode was some raw theta thoughts. Here, after the intro more rawness. I'm breaking apart. I surrender. Also my dynamic is changing a bit and I'm in those feelings too.  Seattle Erotic Art Festival Gallery was awesome! So much I wanted to touch! My ideas are stirring maybe some of my photography or even submitting a writing piece. I went with another photographer, she is wanting to do photo...

If early on in a relationship, I'm projecting onto someone my fantasies of their potential, obviously they can not live up to my fantasies and now not really realizing my mistake, my mind is creating negative stories to explain the issue, the contradiction from what I thought he was and the reality of his behavior , it was all 'me'. He doesn't like me. I'm not his type. My mind falls down a tracki...

I finished the book The Deep Heart :Our Portal To Presence by J. Pendergast My take away is a connection to my heartspace. Understanding difference between reacting and responding and to feel the difference between contracting and expanding from my heartspace so I may lead, live and love from an authentic vibration, spanda: the pulse of the Universe manifested. Poetry reading Last Night As I Was S...

I was visited I suppose by a being perhaps and observed a realization. Sitting with discomfort is the easiest response. Pet the elephants and love the monsters. My dynamic as uncomfortable as it is, has been a safe space for me to see myself in my own light. I had my own issues with jealousy and not being his type, these fed a narrative about abandonment.

Calm yummy warm place so please just sit with me, be here now with your full presence.  Instead of radical acceptance, accept things and the moment with tenderness. How does that feel for you? What is that like for you? Are you at rest or suffering? Can you close the gap between your thought and the feeling in your body? How about showing up in the experience through your body, leaving that t...

Risk. Without it there is no reward.  I've been scarring my heart, not breaking it but enlarging it. Another, what I thought was a good connection, ghosted. I am in my feelings, cried and may cry some more, but I laugh because I am seeing a pattern. So going out of town is code for gonna get ghosted?! Well booooooooo. Also red flags, deep heavy connections over the weekend? May mean partner i...

A raw audio memo for a future story. The hail was amazing, I have to share! I miss the days our phones were attached to the homes. We had to set time aside to talk to one another, calls were with intentions and presence. And I hiccup towards the end-so many sounds!

My thought on sacred sex- come to light ;) ASMR like reading from book, my thoughts and a relaxing meditation reading. Trust falling into the universe as my old ways and self fall away.

Gate gate paragate, parasamgate bodhi svaha! Chant with Dr. Daniel Brown. I am learning to connect to my heart, being with my love to free self from fear, attachments and obsessions. I am with awareness. I am trying not to make myself the basis of operation. Awareness gone beyond self representation to the field of awareness becomes my base of operation.

My olfactory hallucination inflamed due to accidental empathic connection; but realize it was for my awareness. My identity destabilizing as I recognized a core of limiting belief within me. My "back dates" where I meet with others to sit back to back, exploring connections, I am going to sit with myself now. I am with stronger awareness my need to sit outside of myself to have others help heal me...

Woke up and ...don't judge, but Taylor Swift's song "Out of The Woods" was playing in my mind.  "Remember when we couldn't take the heat? I walked out, I said "I'm setting you free" But the monsters turned out to be just trees When the sun came up you were looking at me" My mentor mentioned to me he wants me to experience love and asked what am I looking for. I said I'm open to it, the person...

I, today, just discovered the word, "spanda" and I wept. I am a vibration connecting with others that vibrate. I am also in search for deeper sexual vibrational connections. I am vibrating today in my body.  I also just discovered a song that moved me to sing. Interestingly, at 57 seconds in the song file, play partner messages me, and before my laugh you can audibly 'hear' my heart space... the n...

As thoughts continue trying to create a "we" out of a play dynamic, I remind mind this is not love, it's a body experience. Remind heart space I am without want, this is what I can love and love myself for giving me this experience. This healthy manipulation, my attachment to the play, gives me the arena to heal my old stories about sex and love and relationships. I am looking into another audio s...

It's a soul splitting experience observing my ego and removing my concept of me as a person to just be with an experience void of a particular outcome; it's an alone feeling experience. My trauma brain loops the same neural pathway; it has taken me quite a few loops and am sensing I am releasing. Heartbreaking me back to Source, I am breaking up with my perception and disillusion of my potential I...

My spidey sense was correct- attachment style anxious triggered abandonment trauma fears realized. Meditation- Mooji quotes. Play partner shared a poem, I read. ASMR

Spidey sense is up and/or anxious style has been triggered. Practicing temperance, thoughtful consideration, step away and rest. Why does my nose inflame after sobbing? To keep things out while I'm getting rid of stuff going through my feelings.

My dys'fun'ctional relationship with porn. The porn I like. Addictive. Was hurting, still hurts but I use it less and now try to biohack for dopamine hits and to ease away from codependent thoughts/feelings on real people; but doesn't work, I feel bad still after.  Also a listener reached out me to answer my October 12th episode question, when do men connect emotionally? He was also inspired...

ERE is where it's at..."I got two turntables and a microphone" ERE established relationship energy.  I'm in a trough. Experiencing sadness. Thoughts of inadequacy; I'm not enough and too much- the drama of it all.  Yet through my experiencing sadness I will then place feelings into my body what soft cock growing hard under me having a shared experiencing of giving and receiving love feel...

While in isolation awaiting covid results, I am suffering a 'heavy' headache, chills, sweating, sore throat and extreme fatigue- I dialed down inward to read and meditate for about 12 hours. Little contact with others, but messaged my friend that brought my awareness of this book that I read from during this episode, a message to him I was in a beautiful self care day.  I thank all of my teac...

I'm not feeling well. The future, small communities. I'm seeking a new pod. I am a good 'home maker' as good girl conditioning has taught me. I am a master at nothing in home econ but....I got some worship skills. You: a piece of land on one side and Me: my 28 ft class A on the other side. we could send smoke signals when we want a visit!  I could use a quarantine friend! Send email, messages...

Good day just knowing the sun is there even though its raining.

New Year and my time will be spent with others that match or lift my vibration. Less time associating with those that zap my energy because they remain at a lower vibration; this is work for me to lower my frequency.  Look at you brave enough to take the human experience of suffering with the memory loss that we are love and we are connected; we can never not be this. I want to be filled with...