Battle Royale: French Monarchs

Bonne Saint-Valentin! Today we are taking a brief sojourn from our Frankish kings to share three love stories from French history, from the 12th century to the modern era. Eliza will be discussing medieval lovers Héloïse and Abélard, Ben will be talking about queer artist Rosa Bonheur, and our special guest Rachel Dyer will be talking about French-American princess Betsy Patterson. Go listen to Ra...

 He may be called simple, however, his reign is anything but. Sit tight as we take you on a roller coaster, from a weak little boy at the mercy of his nobles to... a weak old man at the mercy of his nobles. But it's all about the journey, not the destination, and our fourth (or third?) Charles's reign is one hell of a ride - from the murder of an archbishop to Vikings attending French classes. Tha...

It's time to see if the long-awaited son of Robert the Strong turns out to be an O-do or an O-don't! And if that dad joke wasn't enough to entice you, then Eliza's excitement for this king certainly will, as she makes plans to name a goldfish after him.  But of course no description of this episode would be complete without a tease of the SIEGE OF PARIS, the great Viking assault that you may have...

After decades in the background of our Carolingian series, it is time for the large-and-in-charge Emperor Charles to come to the fore and lead West Francia to ... well, greatness is a strong word. Plagued by poor health and a lack of heirs, will Charles the Fat be able to steady the sinking ship, or will he allow the Carolingian empire to shatter once and for all? Things to look forward to in this...

By popular demand, everyone's (least) favourite clown has arrived to crash the Carolingian party! As the first non-Carolingian ruler within Charlemagne's empire and an extremely controversial figure in his time, we thought it only fitting that we cover him in a special episode.  In this episode, we discuss Boso's rise to power on the coattails of his sister Richilde, who successfully seduced the a...

Listen to our friend Roberto's podcast, History of Saqartvelo Georgia! Hot off the heels of his brother and co-ruler Louis III, will Carloman II be able to save the West Franks from the Viking menace? No? It just gets worse? Oh, dear. Prepare yourself for the most horrifying horrors of the Viking age, forcing even our scribe Archbishop Hincmar to flee his church as the Annals of St Bertin come to...

The Carolingian family tree is starting to shrivel up, but Louis III is a spot of light in the darkness, known for his famous battles against the Vikings. Louis wins the battle, but can he win the war? How will he go with sharing power with his brother Carloman II? And when will Boso go away and stop annoying everyone? But perhaps the most interesting question about Louis III is... He died HOW? Me...

It's time for Louis 2: Electric Booga- Oh, wait, his reign's already over?  Thankfully, Louis the Stammerer is no Merovingian, so we have bountiful evidence of what he was doing throughout his short and rather chaotic life. From facing down Robert the Strong at the mere age of 12 to having to make small talk with Pope John VIII at the Council of Troyes, Louis's life is full of awkward moments that...

The most wonderful time of the year was made even more wonderful by our first ever guests, Bry and Fry of the Pontifacts podcast, who rate all of the popes from Peter to Francis. Complemented as ever by the splendid humour of Fry and Eliza, Bry and Ben recount the tales of the five patron saints of France who have been woven into our story so far: Saint Petronilla, Saint Denis, Saint Martin, Saint...

This week we're zooming in on northwestern France to talk about an initially minor nobleman named Robert. From humble(ish) origins, he will found a dynasty that will come to rival the Carolingians in the west. But what of the man himself? This week, we're talking sneaky skulduggery, bloody battles and vicious Vikings! Robert will die defending Francia from the heathens ... but the story of how he...

Another jam-packed reign, with possibly the most tricky and controversial ranking yet. A lot of deliberation was cut from the ranking segments! Will Charles the Bald make his father Louis the Pious proud, by reviving the glory of his namesake Charlemagne? Or will he be chopped up ... like a turnip? Once you have listened, what will you think of Charles the Bald? Was he a peak or a trough of the Ca...

Charlemagne is a hard act to follow, but Louis the Pious shows promise. Will he pull through and escape the guillotine? This lengthy episode is jam-packed with so many twists and turns of fates and loyalties, leaving us wondering what exactly to make of this unholiest of holy kings... Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to...

Now that we have gone through Charlemagne's life and conquests, it's now time to take a look at how he ruled, the innovations he brought to his empire and the massive legacy he left. What will be our verdict on the greatest "great" of medieval history? Is it enough to spare him from the guillotine? Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion...

Need more iron in your audio diet? Look no further than this week's episode, where Eliza and Ben FINALLY explore the life and conquests of Charlemagne, from birth to death. After a cold open from the Monk of St Gall and a brief recap of what we've discussed of his life so far, we explore his many military conquests, his plans for succession and how he acquired a couple of very special new crowns. ...

An important prélude to Charlemagne's episode, here we cover his younger brother. The Frankish kingdom was split nonsensically between them, and their mother was definitely playing favourites. Has this forgotten sibling Carloman earned his place in the tournament, or will he be sent to the guillotine? Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fas...

It's finally time for the Carolingians to snatch that crown from the feeble hands of the last Merovingians. This week we'll see the Franks and the Lombards finally butt heads in an epic showdown, witness a blossoming bromance between Pepin and the Pope, and discuss why Pepin the Short (like Napoleon) was probably not short. This is hopefully the last of our sketchy-audio-quality episodes. So look...

We know the French detest Halloween, but we're doing a Halloween episode anyway! How could we not, when this king - the last of the Merovingian dynasty - is known as the PHANTOM KING?! When we have reviewed Childeric III in all his long-haired glory (or lack thereof), Ben will share with Eliza the incredible true story of the Beast of Gévaudan, a mysterious creature that terrorised the people of s...

The long-awaited prince is here! It's time to talk about Charles Martel, victor of the legendary Battle of Tours ... but is he truly as great as his legendary name "Carl the Hammer" might imply? And does this most famous Mayor of the Palace deserve to sit up in the VIP box to watch the final tournament? Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by F...

With next episode's Charles Martel handing all the boring ruling, there's little for Theodoric IV to do but sit back and get wheeled around in a cart. At the tail end of the episode, we do a deep dive into the daily life of a Frankish peasant.  Message us your thoughts! Support the show ⚜️Battle Royale's intro/outro music is "Dansez" by Fasion. Thank you to them for making this track free to use a...

After spending a number of episodes tucked away in a monastery, it's time for Daniel to come out and take the spotlight ... with mixed results! He is largely overshadowed by the epic showdown between Charles Martel and Ragenfrid. Also in the third and final of our "news segments", we are going to take a peak at what's going on in the Byzantine Empire, as they face the rising threat of the Umayyad...

It's time for our most attractive king yet, Dagobert III. Weird hunch and chin-hairs aside, will he live up to his namesake Dagobert I? At the tail end of our episode, we will have another World History / News Update segment with a trip far to the east of the world the Franks knew. While the do-nothing kings are doing nothing, Empress Wu Zetian of China is doing everything, with her subjects inven...

This episode is chock-a-block, not just with the ramblings of 2 nerds who have been in Covid-19 Lockdown for too long, but also with events that are happening in the world around Childebert III (all of which he has little to no effect over). Later in the episode, Eliza will give us a little "News Update" on what's happening outside of our little slice of the Dark Ages. This week we're going to Cen...

Today we've got a pitifully brief reign, so we thought we'd add in a couple extra goodies: a quiz you can follow along with at home, along with an update of how our kings are ranking so far! As ever, thanks to all of you for supporting us in these early days as we find our feet. We are so grateful to have found such a great foundation of listeners and we hope you stick around. We've got some reall...

With Theodoric, we say goodbye to Ebroin's meddling and hello again to the dynasty that will become the Carolingians. A bit of stability is nice... but at what cost to the Merovingians? As ever, make sure you visit our Wordpress site, and give us a rating if you've enjoyed us. Also follow us on social media. It's just a small way you can help grow our little community! Message us your thoughts! Su...

Will Childeric II outstrip his brother Clothar III was King of all the Franks? This week Eliza and Ben discuss a king who fired his little brother, married his cousin, excessively beat his nobles and proved why you REALLY shouldn't go into the woods. I'm sure he'll have a very long and successful reign...Special appearance from Leodegar, the patron saint of eye-gouging. Message us your thoughts! S...