As Long As I'm Living

Why did MY baby die, when so many others live? This is a question that we're sure all of you have asked yourselves at one point or another. We talk about our feelings on this topic and how they've evolved over the months since Aiden and Quinn died. ::: Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast , send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com , or visit us at anch...

This week (1/18) marks the second anniversary of Quinn's death. To give Alina a break from editing, we're releasing this Instagram Live we did back in November when we were together in DC for our podcast anniversary! We talk about things like: How to deal with guilt Pregnancy after loss Our music taste and how it changed after our babies died Whether we'd be friends if we hadn't lost children ......

Dr. Laura Arling is a Washington, DC-based pediatrician and mom of 3, including her first son, Remy, who died of a rare heart-related condition in his first year of life. She has built a practice around taking care of "rainbow baby* families" -- those who are parenting living children and have also experienced the death of at least one child. In this episode, we talk to her about the unique consid...

2023: You better not be as f***** up as our internet horoscopes suggest! Listen to this episode to hear what is allegedly in store for us next year. Are you as scared as we are? We reject these horoscopes and have decided to move forward with ease into the next year.  2022... thank you, next! ::: Things we talk about in this episode: - Happier New Year : last year's new year episode, where we...

We get by with a little help from our friends, and now you can too! This is an episode designed for you -- a grieving person -- to share with your friends, so that they can learn how to support you better. We recap all of the tips, tricks, and lessons learned from our friends who graciously joined us on the podcast over the past few weeks, and we have also included a little glossary of other episo...

There's only a few people in the world you can ask to help edit your dead son's eulogy. For Judith, this person is Miriam. Their friendship was based on first boyfriends, late-night movies, and sneaking into hotel pools. Fifteen years later, life looks really different, but they're still just as close. Miriam found a way to help Judith carry Aiden's loss even though she never met him in person and...

The first thing Judith and Alina bonded over was the fact that they both had pregnant friends named Julia. A few weeks ago, you met "Judith's Julia" and today, we introduce you to "Alina's Julia" in the continuation of our friendships after loss series! Alina and Julia met a decade ago through Kaylee, who you all know as Quinn's other parent. They spent their twenties in deep conversation and big...

Just popping in with a reminder that no matter how much time has passed, our babies are still dead. Today is Aiden's birthday, so please send all the love you can spare to Judith and to Aiden in the stars.  ::: Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love t...

Have you ever considered seeking the services of a medium to connect with your baby after they died? Judith has! In fact, she booked this session in November... 2021. She has been trying to meet with this guy for over a year, and the moment has finally arrived! Did Aiden speak to Judith through the medium? Did we learn anything about his death? Are Aiden and Quinn friends in the stars? Listen to f...

Hello hello from Judith and Alina, your As Long As I'm Living podcast hosts. We've been doing this podcast for a whole year now, and we LOVE it. L-O-V-E. It is truly a joy to bring you a new episode each week. That said, we are in this for the long haul, and we are realizing that we need to upgrade our recording equipment and editing platform. Will you help us? We are trying to put together $500 ....

What you'll hear in this episode is a gut-wrenchingly honest conversation between Judith and her friend Rachel, who she hurt deeply after Aiden's death. We are guessing this will sound familiar to grievers and grief supporters alike. Rachel was not able to be there in the way Judith needed, and so Judith disappeared -- completely.  Grievers are jerks. It's just the truth! When you are going t...

'Tis the season... for losing our ever-loving minds. Listen to hear our tips for surviving major holidays and what our plans are/were for this season. We include tips for those of you who have decided to skip the holidays this year (what does that even mean??), folks who want to celebrate but need to set boundaries with themselves and their families, and people who will be participating in religio...

Meet Leah, a.k.a. Zia Leah (Aunt Leah), Alina's friend of 13 years. Alina and Leah met their freshman year of college, and they spent the following decade in various levels of connection but always in touch and with so much love. After Quinn's sudden death, Leah SHOWED UP for Alina in a way that many people couldn't. Listen to hear how she experienced the loss and what it feels to be the friend th...

Today's episode is the first in a new series talking about how friendships change after loss. Meet Julia, Judith's friend of 8 years. Judith and Julia's lives were always on the same track, personally and professionally, until Aiden's sudden death in March 2021 when Julia was newly pregnant with her first child, a son. Listen to hear how their friendship has evolved in the 1.5 years since Aiden di...

On November 4th, 2021, we released the very first episode of As Long As I'm Living podcast, just 3 days after the idea popped into our heads. Which means... drumroll... it's our anniversary week!  In this episode, we talk about the state of the podcast: what do we love about it, who works on which parts of it behind the scenes, how has life and our friendship changed since starting it, what i...

Hello! We are behind... very behind. Our mental health has been suffering recently due to medical stuff (Alina) and an interminable series of high holidays (Judith), but what is a Monday morning without a new episode of As Long As I'm Living podcast!? Please enjoy some audio that we've held onto from past interviews for just such an occasion. In this episode, you'll hear the following: Jenn Su (Ae...

It's Spooky Season, and we're talking about Halloween decorations. Is everyone else in awe of the ridiculous amount of privilege on display each October in their neighborhood? Some of us have actually held our own child's dead body, and we have some strong words for these insensitive neighbors. (Including an open letter to a particularly offensive decorator in Judith's old neighborhood in L.A.) ::...

In this episode, Alina and Judith talk self care. Not massages, manicures, and 5ks, but the simple things you can do on the days when you're not well. Go drink water! If you don't have a lot of time in your life for self care right now, this episode is still for you; Judith feels the same. ::: Things we talk about in this episode: - Loved Momma Fitness: Instagram , website , Recovery After Loss pr...

We released an episode with big news about Alina's health this week (NOT a pregnancy announcement), which you can listen to HERE . As we're sure you can imagine, this has been fairly all-consuming for us over the past month, and we are SICK OF IT. Thus, you are going to get this bonus episode about it, but after this, it will be back to regularly scheduled programming. We will -- of course -- talk...

Alina recently got Quinn's results from the Roberts Program, which was investigating his SIDS death to try to determine a root cause. They were worse than anyone was expecting. Listen to hear what caused Quinn's death, how it affects Alina's health, and some of her initial thoughts on this news. (Recorded September 2, 2022) Thank you for honoring my need for some privacy about this very tender top...

Medical bills, death certificates, police reports, oh my! Just when you think you've seen it all after the death of your child, the paperwork starts rolling in. This episode is a straight up RANT about all of the freaking forms we've had to fill out since our sons died. So many, in fact, that Judith is on a first-name basis with the chief medical examiner for L.A. County.  It adds insult to i...

Quinn turns 2 today, so I am releasing a short bonus episode. First, Judith and I talk together about this day, then I pay a special tribute to my very special boy. If you'd like to honor Quinn with us, please light a candle in his honor today. Thank you so much for being here and helping keep his memory alive. ::: Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an e...

A few weeks ago, we did an Instagram Live where we discussed some grief-specific Would You Rathers. It was so fun, that we thought we would turn it into a podcast episode! The second half is a replay of the Live, but the first half of this episode is brand new Would You Rathers. This episode is more lightly edited than normal due to it being Quinn's birthday week over here... enjoy listening to us...

Judith and Alina opened time capsules recently. For Alina, it was showing Judith a day-in-the-life video she made when Quinn was 3 months old: 35 minutes of feeding, laughing, snuggling, snow shoveling, cooking dinner, and all of the other things you do when you have a husband and a baby. For Judith, it was security footage from a trip her family took to the dog park four days before Aiden's death...

This week, we are talking Mom Guilt, and specifically Loss Mom Guilt. It's really hard to balance competing needs for your time when you have an alive child, and WOW is it even more challenging when you have a dead child. We discuss sharing our energy between alive and dead kids, comparing ourselves to other loss moms, and prioritizing our own health over our dead kids' "needs." ::: Things we talk...