A Thousand Tiny Steps

The 2 weeks before Molly died was rough - to say the least. I debated if I was going to go to Amsterdam with Roy. I told Doug I was quitting my job and got him out of my life. I disappointed my kids and argued with Kenny. Each one of these choices proved to be life changing. In this episode, I explore the sadness and self-hatred I have in the aftermath.    Key Takeaways:    [5:08] Molly and Gracie...

My life was falling into chaos as I fell deeper into a convoluted relationship with Doug, was on and off again with Roy, and reconnected with Robin. I worked crazy hours, missed events, and was deeply wrapped up in these relationships. While all this was happening Molly was getting sicker, but the doctor's wouldn't do a scan.    Key Takeaways:    [4:27] Writing my book  [7:12] Getting fired from m...

In the summer of 2015, I met a man named Doug who changed my life for the worse. My relationship with him made me feel chaotic and like I was uninvolved in the lives of others around me. It took time away from my family right as Molly began to get sick. In this episode, I look back on how I got sucked into this relationship and the lasting impacts it had on my life.    Key Takeaways:    [3:34] The...

My life felt like it was exploding as I was living 3 major life crises: Roy, Robin, and Kenney. They were all happening at once. My social life imploded and became non-existent, Roy and I "broke up" and got back together, and Kenney moved into an apartment. As I look back on these years I just feel terrible as I ended up repeating patterns from my childhood.    Key Takeaways:    [2:20] Living thes...

In the time leading up to Molly's death, I had a tumultuous relationship with Roy that was on again, off again. This created chaos in my life as I was finally becoming financially stable, finding hobbies I enjoyed, and trying to give my daughters a good life. As I look back on it all, I realize I was recreating childhood trauma.    Key Takeaways:    [1:39] Spring and Easter are difficult now that...

In 2011, I was working a million jobs just trying to pay the mortgage and keep busy. I was spending time with Roy where I could and a lot of our time spent together was spent dealing with court hearings. As that was going on I started CrossFit, our house almost went to auction, and Kenney got sicker and sicker. It was a whirlwind, before it would all come crashing down.    Key Takeaways:    [5:05]...

I attract people with narcissistic tendencies like flies. All my relationships have common themes in them and follow me everywhere: my romantic relationships, my jobs, the school board. These relationships heavily impacted my life as I dealt with death and trying to adjust to losing my job.    Key Takeaways:    [2:01] My friend Tom passed away  [5:34] Feeling pulled on by both sides  [7:09] Restra...

Losing my job was devastating and I had to pick up my life piece by piece. I worked a million jobs, spent tons of time with my daughters, and navigated a tricky relationship. I was left with many feelings when I felt like no one in my life supported me and everyone wanted me to resign. It has made me look back on this time and the regrets I have.    Key Takeaways:    [3:33] None of my coworkers su...

Between July to November of 2010 I was constantly called into meetings for misbehavior in my job and was suspended. I never went back to teaching. Constantly being harassed, freezing at all the wrong moments, and dealing with a complex relationship outside of school made it a dark time in my life. In this episode, I look back on the manipulation in my life and how it led me to never teach for the...

As my life financially kept getting worse, I began a relationship with Roy. Itt had amazing times, but was also filled with gaslighting and love bombing. I debated leaving my marriage, thinking about my kids, and how my life could have alternatively happened. As all this was happening, things finally blew up with my husband and it felt like my entire world was crumbling down.    Key Takeaways:   ...

As I started my sabbatical professionally things were going great. I connected with the children and created a curriculum that I was proud of. My relationship with Amy and her family was dwindling, when Roy came back into the picture and it turned my world upside down. In this episode, I go through a series of conflicting emotions and what was truly the calm before the storm.    Key Takeaways:   ...

The tension was starting to become overwhelming when a restraining order came into play. Amy and I both pulled away from our friendship and I had our children separated in class. The stress permeated every aspect of my life as the situation became worse and worse. In this episode, I look back on how the restraining order was used and the impact it left.    Key Takeaways:    [3:44] Amy's strong des...

As the situation with Amy escalated and I tried to step back, my life felt like it was a dumpster on fire. My household finances were a mess and I was constantly being pulled into 50 different directions. As I learned more about the situation, I felt more and more needed by Amy and the situation quickly started tumbling downwards.   Key Takeaways:    [4:19] Constantly being called by Amy on the ph...

My first 2 years of my friendship with Amy were a gift, but I didn't know how it would change the trajectory of my life. We truly did click as friends as our friendship was largely centered around motherhood. But our communication styles and how we lived our lives separated us. In this episode, I explore how a relationship changed my life and drove my other friends away.    Key Takeaways:    [2:04...

It started with a note in a backpack and ended with a bucketload of complex emotions. The summer of 2005 to the summer of 2007 was a relatively normal time, but it would end in disaster because of a new friend I made. There were red flags everywhere, but I chose to ignore them because I felt like we really clicked and we were bonded by motherhood. That boundary crossing would come back to haunt me...

When I was younger, New Year's Eve was a time to play outside and eat a lot with friends. As I grew older, it was a holiday synonymous with alcohol. My friends and I would go to parties, stay up all night, and get blackout drunk. When I became a mom that all changed: it became a pretty sober event, spending time with kids, and making a bonfire. After Molly died we stopped celebrating and now that...

The holidays are time markers and they remind me of what I've lost. They also remind me of all the expectations society has around holidays and the hypocrisy of it all. After losing Molly it was too difficult to celebrate the holidays. Now that I have Jack we have begun to create new traditions and try to do "normal" holidays again. I am focusing on celebrating the holidays the way I want to and n...

Sexual abuse has impacted me in many ways: issues with overgiving, boundaries, people pleasing, shame, and intimacy have followed me in my life. I have suffered in physical pain to ignore emotional discomfort with these emotions. This has shown me that I need to confront these feelings and work through the trauma that sexual abuse has left me with.    Key Takeaways:    [3:33] Having issues with ov...

I really, really struggle with self sabotage in every aspect of my life. From relationships, to not following through on things, to recreating trauma. It is an endless battle. I am working to better myself by being introspective and examining why I constantly sabotage myself and what I can do to work on it.    Key Takeaways:    [1:35] Self sabotage and regret in my life  [4:09] Physical and emotio...

After my daughter's death I began to truly feel my age sink in. I gained weight, had trauma induced menopause, and body dysmorphia. I struggled and not only lost my daughter, but lost many people I cared for in life. Nothing was the same and trying to find a way to heal myself is an ongoing journey.    Key Takeaways:    [2:14] Feeling old after Molly's death [4:04] Losing everything, not just Moll...

Intergenerational trauma is something that has plagued my family and I'm trying to change it, but it feels like a burden to bear. Growing up, having to keep secrets and not having my basic needs met has made me evaluate how that's impacted my parenting today. I have many things to work through with many different types of therapies at my disposal, but it will take time to wade through this generat...

I was sexually abused as a child and it still impacts me at almost 60 years old. It took me a long time to be able to tell this story and to look back at the psychological impact that these terrible experiences had on me. It was a confusing time where I lost so much of myself, but telling this story has been cathartic. If you need help there are resources below.    Key Takeaways:    [2:45] My mom...

Elementary school and the 60s feels like the last time I felt okay before I began 4th grade. My mom was a young mom, my dad worked all day, and I spent my summers outside at the public pool. When school was in session I dealt with sexist teachers and when I left for the day I went to church 3 times a week. In this episode, I dive deep into my generational identity and the calm before the storm.  ...

Trying to find my way in the workplace was not an easy task for me. Dealing with coworkers and bosses who didn't like me while trying to manage my life behind the scenes made my head spin. In this episode, I discuss how trauma impacted my relationships with others and leaving my life in Boston behind.   Key Takeaways:    [1:58] Not getting along with a co-worker and finding a new job  [3:42] Speci...

In the years of '86 and '87, it was a tumultuous time. I was blessed to go to 4 different countries and get my first teaching job, but I heavily struggled with drugs and alcohol. At the same time, I was in a relationship with a man twice my age and my friends were pulling away from me. In this episode, I explore being a functional alcoholic and the struggles I endured because of it.    Key Takeawa...