A Thousand Tiny Steps

Losing my job was devastating and I had to pick up my life piece by piece. I worked a million jobs, spent tons of time with my daughters, and navigated a tricky relationship. I was left with many feelings when I felt like no one in my life supported me and everyone wanted me to resign. It has made me look back on this time and the regrets I have.    Key Takeaways:    [3:33] None of my coworkers su...

Between July to November of 2010 I was constantly called into meetings for misbehavior in my job and was suspended. I never went back to teaching. Constantly being harassed, freezing at all the wrong moments, and dealing with a complex relationship outside of school made it a dark time in my life. In this episode, I look back on the manipulation in my life and how it led me to never teach for the...

As my life financially kept getting worse, I began a relationship with Roy. Itt had amazing times, but was also filled with gaslighting and love bombing. I debated leaving my marriage, thinking about my kids, and how my life could have alternatively happened. As all this was happening, things finally blew up with my husband and it felt like my entire world was crumbling down.    Key Takeaways:   ...

As I started my sabbatical professionally things were going great. I connected with the children and created a curriculum that I was proud of. My relationship with Amy and her family was dwindling, when Roy came back into the picture and it turned my world upside down. In this episode, I go through a series of conflicting emotions and what was truly the calm before the storm.    Key Takeaways:   ...

The tension was starting to become overwhelming when a restraining order came into play. Amy and I both pulled away from our friendship and I had our children separated in class. The stress permeated every aspect of my life as the situation became worse and worse. In this episode, I look back on how the restraining order was used and the impact it left.    Key Takeaways:    [3:44] Amy's strong des...

As the situation with Amy escalated and I tried to step back, my life felt like it was a dumpster on fire. My household finances were a mess and I was constantly being pulled into 50 different directions. As I learned more about the situation, I felt more and more needed by Amy and the situation quickly started tumbling downwards.   Key Takeaways:    [4:19] Constantly being called by Amy on the ph...

My first 2 years of my friendship with Amy were a gift, but I didn't know how it would change the trajectory of my life. We truly did click as friends as our friendship was largely centered around motherhood. But our communication styles and how we lived our lives separated us. In this episode, I explore how a relationship changed my life and drove my other friends away.    Key Takeaways:    [2:04...

It started with a note in a backpack and ended with a bucketload of complex emotions. The summer of 2005 to the summer of 2007 was a relatively normal time, but it would end in disaster because of a new friend I made. There were red flags everywhere, but I chose to ignore them because I felt like we really clicked and we were bonded by motherhood. That boundary crossing would come back to haunt me...

When I was younger, New Year's Eve was a time to play outside and eat a lot with friends. As I grew older, it was a holiday synonymous with alcohol. My friends and I would go to parties, stay up all night, and get blackout drunk. When I became a mom that all changed: it became a pretty sober event, spending time with kids, and making a bonfire. After Molly died we stopped celebrating and now that...

The holidays are time markers and they remind me of what I've lost. They also remind me of all the expectations society has around holidays and the hypocrisy of it all. After losing Molly it was too difficult to celebrate the holidays. Now that I have Jack we have begun to create new traditions and try to do "normal" holidays again. I am focusing on celebrating the holidays the way I want to and n...

Sexual abuse has impacted me in many ways: issues with overgiving, boundaries, people pleasing, shame, and intimacy have followed me in my life. I have suffered in physical pain to ignore emotional discomfort with these emotions. This has shown me that I need to confront these feelings and work through the trauma that sexual abuse has left me with.    Key Takeaways:    [3:33] Having issues with ov...

I really, really struggle with self sabotage in every aspect of my life. From relationships, to not following through on things, to recreating trauma. It is an endless battle. I am working to better myself by being introspective and examining why I constantly sabotage myself and what I can do to work on it.    Key Takeaways:    [1:35] Self sabotage and regret in my life  [4:09] Physical and emotio...

After my daughter's death I began to truly feel my age sink in. I gained weight, had trauma induced menopause, and body dysmorphia. I struggled and not only lost my daughter, but lost many people I cared for in life. Nothing was the same and trying to find a way to heal myself is an ongoing journey.    Key Takeaways:    [2:14] Feeling old after Molly's death [4:04] Losing everything, not just Moll...

Intergenerational trauma is something that has plagued my family and I'm trying to change it, but it feels like a burden to bear. Growing up, having to keep secrets and not having my basic needs met has made me evaluate how that's impacted my parenting today. I have many things to work through with many different types of therapies at my disposal, but it will take time to wade through this generat...

I was sexually abused as a child and it still impacts me at almost 60 years old. It took me a long time to be able to tell this story and to look back at the psychological impact that these terrible experiences had on me. It was a confusing time where I lost so much of myself, but telling this story has been cathartic. If you need help there are resources below.    Key Takeaways:    [2:45] My mom...

Elementary school and the 60s feels like the last time I felt okay before I began 4th grade. My mom was a young mom, my dad worked all day, and I spent my summers outside at the public pool. When school was in session I dealt with sexist teachers and when I left for the day I went to church 3 times a week. In this episode, I dive deep into my generational identity and the calm before the storm.  ...

Trying to find my way in the workplace was not an easy task for me. Dealing with coworkers and bosses who didn't like me while trying to manage my life behind the scenes made my head spin. In this episode, I discuss how trauma impacted my relationships with others and leaving my life in Boston behind.   Key Takeaways:    [1:58] Not getting along with a co-worker and finding a new job  [3:42] Speci...

In the years of '86 and '87, it was a tumultuous time. I was blessed to go to 4 different countries and get my first teaching job, but I heavily struggled with drugs and alcohol. At the same time, I was in a relationship with a man twice my age and my friends were pulling away from me. In this episode, I explore being a functional alcoholic and the struggles I endured because of it.    Key Takeawa...

My senior year was filled with academics - and a little cocaine. As crazy as I partied in college, I also took advantage of my full scholarship to BU and got a masters degree in a year. I grew as a person and became much more of an adult, even when I struggled with my on again, off again relationship with David.   Key Takeaways:    [1:46] Turning point of adulthood the summer after sophomore year ...

My sophomore year was a fantastic year for me. I finally started staying at BU on the weekends and I had found a group of friends. I broke up with Jay and began a healthy relationship with David which has had a substantial impact on my life. To top it off, I became the first female Division 1 All American for BU. I felt on top of the world.    Key Takeaways:    [0:57] Reflecting on my actions and...

The first semester of my freshman year of college was a difficult transition. It was an odd time in between being a teenager and an adult who had to handle things themselves. Learning time management skills, dealing with a coach that pushed me too hard, getting injured, and competing with my teammates made for a whirlwind. By the end of it I was ready to leave, but going home is what helped me rea...

The first semester of my senior year was horrible. I dealt with a subpar cross country coach, argued with my friends, lost several races, my drinking got worse, and I had an abortion. I went into a depression and it was only the second half of my senior year that I was able to crawl out of it, find positives in the situation, and get a full scholarship to Boston University.    Key Takeaways:    [3...

I went Into junior year a different person: I wasn't with science guy anymore, I had a table at lunch, and my running improved. Along with the good there was such chaos though. My drinking problems began and I got into unsafe relationships with older men. In this episode, I explore my feelings recovering from trauma and finding my people.    Key Takeaways:    [2:52] I went into junior year a very...

My sophomore year was full of ups and downs. I went into the year not knowing where to sit at lunch, and unsure of myself. I ended up going to Germany, quitting gymnastics, joining the cheer team, and becoming a track star. As all these amazing things happened, I spent more time with my teacher, science guy, which quickly became something more.    Key Takeaways:    [8:30] Going to gymnastics camp...

Junior high school was a trying time for me between admitting I was being sexually abused to my mom to finding out who my biological father was. Through all the chaos and craziness I was trying to find my way and a group of friends to fit in with. It was not an easy endeavor and so I kept as busy as I could and tried not to be home. In this episode, I explore my early teen years and how it shaped...