Two Open Doors

As human beings, we all have a deep need to be loved and accepted.  We long to be fully seen, understood and valued. Why, then, does it seem so hard for most people to slake this thirst for love? In this episode, we’ll consider some of the societal factors that work against deep connection.  We’ll also take a look at some of the possible personal factors that can drive individuals to reach out to...

Relationship is a dance in which two partners constantly interact with each other.  The health and satisfaction of a relationship depends on how each partner treats and perceives the other.  In that dance, neither partner is passive; each powerfully influences the other, and shapes the course of their co-created relationship. In this episode, we’ll identify and examine several behaviors and attitu...

In our popular social dialog, and in particular within the sex-positive community, there are frequent and sometimes-heated discussions about “the patriarchy”.  What is that “hot-button” topic about? In this episode, we’ll explore what the patriarchy is, as well as how patriarchal beliefs can affect those who live in our society.  We’ll also touch on a possible alternative worldview to the patriarc...

One of the central factors in achieving intimate connection is a sense of presence between the two partners.  When that prevails, each member of the couple knows that they are foremost in the consciousness of their partner.  That mutual focus constitutes a sense of attunement . In this episode, we’ll consider the nature of attunement, and we’ll see why that is so important to deep human connection...

Our society worships youth, even as it fears and tries to defy death.  In this environment, entering mid-life or beyond is seen as a harbinger of doom, and a sure path for people to become increasingly irrelevant and undesirable. In this episode, we’ll reconsider this prevalent perspective on aging, to show how myopic it is.  As we’ll see, far from being a bad thing, becoming older can welcome us...

Every relationship involves two people who establish some sort of connection between them, be it physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or some combination of those.  At the root, relationships within larger groups are still comprised of multiple dyadic connections. When one is in a relationship, the “me” that they represent is complemented by the “you” of one’s partner.  In addition, though, the...

As humans, we all want to have love in our lives.  That may mean somewhat different things to different people.  Still, the need to feel seen, accepted and supported probably comes as close to being a universal human desire as any that we’re likely to find. In this episode, we’ll explore how a person can invite love into their life.  As we’ve noted in prior episodes, “love is a verb”: it’s somethi...

In the late 1990s, a new word came into the popular lexicon:  “ incel ”, which is a contraction of the phrase “ involuntary celibate ”.  The incel phenomenon seems to have continued to expand since then. In this episode, we’ll examine the meaning of this term, with a focus on the underlying feelings and attitudes that accompany it.  We’ll see why it’s a trend that’s noxious and damaging to society...

One of our sources of satisfaction in being in a loving relationship is the knowledge that we are special in the eyes of our lover.  The resulting feelings of elation and contentment remind us of the preciousness of our relationship. In this episode, we’ll consider why feeling special matters, and how it contributes to strengthening an intimate connection. Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and int...

What happens when the initial rush of excitement and allure fades in a relationship?  How do those usually-inevitable changes affect the course and evolution of the relationship?  As we all know, all too often the fabric of the relationship starts to fray, perhaps causing the partners to move in different directions. In this episode, we’ll focus on some attitudes and behaviors that can help preser...

Nowadays, people who inhabit even moderately-advanced countries live in an “always-connected” world.  Our mobile phones, tablets and Internet access provide essentially instant access to people scattered across the globe.  This pervasive connectivity affects how we establish deep connections with others.  Internet-based apps enable us to find and communicate with potential kindred spirits, both lo...

Most intimate relationships are created by partners who share a similar age, socioeconomic standing, and lifestyle.  There are, however, examples of deep connections that exist between partners who are quite different from one another, at least as seen by an outside observer. In this episode, we’ll consider one such possible atypical combination:  that between partners who differ significantly in...

In many previous episodes, we’ve noted that self-knowledge is a central pillar for the ability to form healthy relationships.  Self-knowledge enables a person to set relationship goals that are appropriate for them , and it also encompasses a clear understanding of one’s boundaries and desires. In this episode, we’ll take a look at a related concept, specifically that of authenticity .  As we’ll s...

The sense of touch is one of the richest channels through which we humans connect with our world and with other people.  It’s what underlies so-called “haptic” (or touch-based) communication.  Beyond conveying a wealth of information, touch is also a powerful vehicle for validating and providing support between people. In this episode, we’ll explore the nature of touch, to understand why it plays...

Ours is a very youth-focused society.  In America, perhaps more so than in other Western societies, I see a tendency to focus on the diminishment that comes with age--- while ignoring or downplaying the possible benefits and satisfactions that can accompany a long life well-lived. In this episode, we’ll consider how this focus affects social perspectives on sex and intimacy.  We’ll see how making...

Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that is slowly making its way into our societal mainstream.  (As we’ve noted in previous episodes, monogamy or serial monogamy comprise the vast majority of socially-sanctioned long-term committed relationships in our society--- but perhaps 5% of adult intimate relationships in the US are polyamorous.) As someone with years of immersion in the polyamorou...

Lifestyles that fall outside our society’s mainstream often come with associated terminology that is unfamiliar and potentially confusing to many.  While labels can be misleading or artificially confining, they can also clarify important concepts. In this episode, we’ll explore three terms that describe non-traditional relationships: open relationships, swinging, and polyamory.  We’ll see how thes...

One of the guiding principles for physicians is captured in Hippocrates’ admonition to “first, do no harm” in the process of trying to help a patient.  The Hippocratic Oath includes a similar commitment.  These statements remind physicians of their commitment to try to improve the well-being of their patients. The spirit of “first, do no harm” applies to the conduct of healthy relationships, as we...

The well-known sex educator and podcaster Dan Savage has stated his belief that all loving relationships are transactional.  In contrast with that, there is the proposal that true love is unconditional.  Can these two polar positions be reconciled? In this episode, we’ll consider what it means for a relationship to be transactional, and we’ll also envision what an unconditional relationship might...

 One of the things that I’ve observed about the sex-positive community is that many of its members differ in significant ways from the mainstream population.  That’s reflected in the lifestyle preferences of these community members, as well as in how they interact with one another.  We’ll explore some of these differences in this episode, and we’ll see that living outside the mainstream calls for...

Connecting intimately with another human being can sometimes be a scary thing.  Deep connection requires vulnerability and radical authenticity, and both of those can expose a person to potential hurt.  Yet, without accepting the risks inherent in relationship, one cannot reap the many benefits of deep connection. In this episode, we’ll consider why risk is inherent in relationship, and we’ll then...

In our last two episodes, we considered the idea of socially-constructed “sexual imperatives” that constrain our sexual expression, as described by Dr. Emily Nagoski in her new book, “Come Together”.  We then examined the possibility of living an “erotic” life, in which all of our experiences are expressions of the flow of life-energy. In this episode, we’ll take a look at a kind of experience tha...

Our previous episode considered a number of socially-constructed “sexual imperatives” (or expectations and limitations) that were cited in Dr. Emily Nagoski’s new book, “Come Together”.  That book also described another topic that I find both important and fascinating: the transcendent potential of human connection.  In this episode, I’ll explore that concept, and relate it to my own experiences....

In her wonderful and informative new book, “ Come Together ”, the sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski extends the lucid understanding of how sex works that she delivered in “ Come As You Are ”. In this episode, I’d like to share and comment on an observation that I believe is relevant to all thinking adults who wish to determine the course of their own sexuality:  the notion of “ sexual imperatives ”....

In my prior episode, I highlighted the scientific field of sexology, and I described why I believe that sexology is relevant to everyone who is striving to live a fulfilling life.  I noted that sexual misinformation is widespread, and that it damages society. In this episode, I’d like to take that theme a bit further, by focusing on a topic that is especially misunderstood by many: the human sexua...