The Hate Napkin

EPISODE 63 SYNOPSIS YOU ONLY LIKE ME FOR MY ALMONDS Co-host Arik asks Team THN, “What exactly does it mean when a dude gets his manhood cut off?” Sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “When a woman gets a job instead of a man, or when a woman gets paid the same as a man.” “Hmm,” says special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, who reaches for a machete and proceeds to cut off Pauly’s manhood. The news...

Season 1, Episode 62: BOYS HAVE SPIKES, GIRLS HAVE PUMAS Welcome to naked hate! No, literally. Co-host Arik shows up in his birthday suit. Dude, stop grabbing your mike. Great gag. Now can someone please tell him this is a podcast? First up! Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reads a totally forgettable listener letter from someone in Indiana whose name is just as easily forgotten—upon...

CLOCK SUCKERS FROM THE WAIST DOWN And the THN Tony Award goes to Colin from Los Angeles, with an epic Hate Letter! Everyone hates Clock Suckers—you know, those mid-level managers who walk around the office with a clipboard, pretending to be busy while everyone else grinds it out for a living.  Colin’s tale of Clock Sucker revenge is one for the Podcast Hall of Fame! Next, the show takes an ad...

Most folks buy a house on a pond, kick back on the porch, and throw back a hard lemonade or two. But for co-host Arik, the high life only seems to serve as a launchpad for a midlife crisis of epic proportions. He can’t wait to take on bully birds, Big Telecom, plus the Dude Behind the Curtain. No, not George Soros.  We mean The Big Kahuna with lightning bolts who sits idly by as all Creation,...

Merry Xmas! For once, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, gets lit. Who can blame her, as co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali croon their favorite holiday tunes—then bang on music “legends” for unoriginal Christmas music. Grab a cup of nog and lotion up! Team THN celebrates the season as only they can.

The THN Team revisits an old classic: poop scenes in cinema and television. Tip of the cap to the writers and cast of “Parks and Recreation,” including especially Chris Pratt, for the ol’ “marker that won’t stop” bit. Co-host Arik couldn’t agree more: There is nothing more frustrating than when the turtle won’t go back in the shell. As sound engineer Pauly from Bali puts it: “Thank you for keeping...

Ah, life in the Anals of Hate. As Marcus Aurelius once opined: “We are all but mere polyps fixed in a sea of poo.” Or some such. Co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali regale all with tall tales from their gonzo journalism days in Columbia, South Carolina: from redneck Michael Jackson karaoke to kayaking to the bar during flash floods. Folks, Slim Jims are on the house! Special guest Carl...

It’s time for a little THN Show & Tell! Co-host Arik’s library rescue cat Loki starts the show by displaying his anus for all to see. Great for video, not so great for radio. (Or maybe it’s the other way around.) Speaking of furball buttholes, who do you hate more: Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos? It’s a no-brainer for co-host Arik. If he goes with Bezos, then his recent Amazon order of K-Y Jelly will...

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, hates childproof caps. Hey, pill companies! If you’re designing a capsule bottle for arthritis sufferers, and the only way they can open the damn thing is with a sledgehammer, then JUST MAYBE you need to go back to the design drawing board! Lick alert! Next, we have a Waylon the Basset hound sitting! During which co-host Arik relives a Basset hound bla...

It’s Game Day! There’s a Nerf Super Soaker Water Blaster to your head. “What do you hate more?” Golden Corral or The Kardashians + Kanye West? Oh, Lord—please just blow out my inner ear with pee-tainted pool water now. If there’s one thing that separates The Hate Napkin crew from The Kardashians—it’s the pursuit of fame for fame’s sake. We enjoy nothing more than our coveted status as the world’s...

puff-puff-puff. Welcome to another execrable episode—puff-puff-puff—of Masterpiece Hate. puff-puff-puff. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Haterbator Mailbag and produces a letter that gives all pause: O, how one longs for the days of Cold War duck & cover drills, where a student could escape reading aloud “Dick & Jane” to the whole class by hiding und...

“Butter Churning Butt Fungus & Mad Ham Flingers, LLC” This episode is sponsored by THN Creamy Butter! THN Creamy Butter: “Churning out hate since 2022!” No, seriously. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, brings in her old timey wooden butter chur—Ahem! Carla! Oh, Lord. Can you please stop churning between your legs? See, on the camera, it looks like—folks, DO NOT let the little ones...

Cock-a-doodle-doo! Roll out of bed, you sleepy head! The early hater gets the worm! Co-host Arik literally woke up seconds before the show started recording, so please forgive him for not wearing any pants. (Warning: do not watch this episode on YouTube.) Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, cannot stand Road Ragers. Why the hell would anyone cut her off, then brake-check her for several...

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, recent recipient of the First Annual Hatey Awards, kicks off the show: “Again, I’m truly honored. Now let’s just get out there and love people with a big ol’ heaping helping of hate.” Co-host Arik agrees: “Except for Lotto Man. I f@cking despise Lotto Man.” Sound engineer Pauly from Bali serves up smartphone hate on a plate, and it bytes! What the hell...

Achtung, Husky Ladies of Austria! Pay heed, to our Anonymous Superfans in Titusville, Florida, and Topeka, Kansas! It’s a special day of loathing and detestation ! Flips of the bird all around! Join us as we celebrate Episode 50 of The Hate Napkin with our special awards ceremony: The First Annual Hateys! Today, one member of the beloved—I mean, despised—THN Gang will walk away with a coveted Bron...

My name is Bob. You rarely hear from me directly. I’m the senior editor at THN Media. One of my responsibilities is to create the summaries for each episode. Most of the time, it’s really fun. Hell, no one even cares if I just make up stuff. But I really don’t know what to do about Episode 49. At this week’s staff meeting, I suggested that we shove it in a missile casing and launch it toward North...

Hello, everybody! Hey, Steve! Pass me a Budweiser! Let’s spread some seventh inning stretch hate! Sound engineer Pauly from Bali takes the hate baton and starts running. And he better run fast, because in his declaration of despising fat people wearing T-shirts, co-host Arik and special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, show off their XXXL couture and threaten to sit on him until he’s a haples...

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali unleashes hate upon irresponsible dog owners. When two dogs are sniffing at each other apprehensively, the last thing they need is their owners to start screaming bloody murder and waving their hands like Kermit the Frog. In Dogese, this translates to: “KILL THE BASTARD!” Co-host Arik, who was once bit in the nuts by a 170-pound Anatolian shepherd, agrees: “HEY FIDO!...

We begin the episode with an anonymous hate scrawl submitted to the THN Anal Mailbag: Any time you get a 1 a.m. work call that begins, “B*tch, you out your mo-fo mind?!” – the only proper response is, “Can I buy a vowel?” Almost immediately, the show descends into a debate on male castration and women in the workforce. Compromise: either we get rid of all the balls of half of the men, or one ball...

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the anals of the THN Mailbag for a couple of classic hate epistles: Jeff from Dampfstain, Ohio, wonders if it’s okay to burn down the house of the man who’s been driving around the neighborhood with a giant Russian flag attached to his vehicle. Carla’s advice: Jeff, arson bad. But…if a flaming bag of dog kaka-poo ended up mysteriously...

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off with a hate bargain. For a mere $1,500—or the price she paid in Mexico to have all her teeth extracted and replaced—you too can pay to have your dog’s infected tooth removed. Seriously, folks, next time your precious pooch has a toothache, scale The Wall with a couple of pesos and a burrito in your pocket and go visit Dr. Vasquez in Matamoros...

Please type “YES” if you want to listen to this episode. And “NO” if you want to rot everlastingly in the pit of hate hell. Please do not reply to this paragraph—no one is really listening. To begin, co-host Arik smashes a plate of spaghetti hate against the wall: NO MORE MEDICAL APPOINTMENT TEXT & EMAIL REMINDERS! Especially at 7 a.m. a full week before said appointment is set to occur!...

Hello. I am Kevin. You THN customer support rep. I am please to happy help you with all hate needs you have. No, I am not in Mumbai. I live in suburb fortress town known as Burnt Korn, Alabama. I am neighbor with show special guest Carla, who is local Queen Dairy. Cows worship her glands of fulness. You like creamy butter? Let offer me you full-year supply THN Creamy Butter with your listen of Hat...

Once in a while, we reach into the THN mailbag and discover a letter of such exquisite abhorrence that we set our delicate egos aside and grant a listener center stage as Epistolary First Chair of Hate. Such is the case with poor Steven of Urbandale, Illinois, who at the local grocery store recently battled Handicapped Hilda plus an army of social workers and police officers for the honor of his s...

Co-host Garrett couldn’t make it—he’s too busy rounding up succulent wombs for male intergalactic dictatorial rule. Thus, co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali work their magic to constrain special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, in the wake of the Supreme Court’s abortion ruling. Guess what? It turns out that Clarence Thomas is even worse than the genital smegma of certain right-w...