Citizen Kane VS

You loved our definitions of a classic, now we bring you the definition of the other thing we look at on this podcast . . . namely schlock. What is it? How is it pronounced? What makes it so god damned entertaining? Also is Avatar schlock? As always we are incredibly definitive with our answer.

Finally getting around to some shorter content, in this first podlet we solve once and for all what the term "classic" means. Our definition is the only truth, don't even try looking it up elsewhere.

How do you stop a tyrannical post-apocalyptic dystopia? Running. How do you save your own life and bring down international crime syndicates? Running! But this all must be done with the unlimited amounts of flair and panache available in the 80s and 00s. Classic Arnold? We'll see.

Happy Jesus Day! Well I guess he rose yesterday but maybe he takes a while to get up, you know? We examine what the persecution of Christ and his followers might look like if they were from New York, and also what boring people think the rapture will look like. Please send all donations to the Church of Kane.

We dive into the evolution (or de-evolution depending who you're talking to) of the game of hockey. Everyone gets at least a 2 game suspension. Shake your fists in fury at the instigator rule as Sean William Scott and Paul Newman try to punch their way out of their problems.

Rodentia tie us together this week as an old chestnut takes on some kind of smelly french cheese or something (the metaphor has already disappeared). Adam Reid drops by again to give us his thoughts on Eldritch beings and American composers. Daniel is on assignment for the church.

What would you do for a million dollars, or just a book deal? What if Robert Redford were there too? This dilemna that has plagued humanity for time immemorial is examined thoroughly and decisively this week as we compare some proposal themed films from the last few decades.

There is a deep evil in the depths of space, and only Mila Kunis or a pretty blonde boy can save all of humanity. Genetics, space capitalism, Nietzschean ovetones, unbridled Eddie Redmayne! Come for the space opera but stay for the Hawk-People taint.

Have you ever been so angry you've punched someone's heart out of their chest? Watch these movies and that might change. Miranda Meijer joins us once again to level the battleground while comparing these two "pillars" of video game to movie entertainment. Dinosaurs evolved into humans?

Steven Seagal is the worst. So of course we need to mock him! His career is a true project in vanity, and you can learn more about the path of destruction in his wake, and all about these two "films". Miranda Meijer joins us to coin the phrase "The Seagal Pocket", and the Church of Kane expands its reach!

The early 90s were a bastion of fashion, and extreme hobbies. Take in both as we explore the maritime adventures of a bunch of gnarly surfers. Is Rob Schneider worth your time? Invariably no.

Mall Santa is an esteemed and historic job. No single figure has held the nation together more than a Mall Santa. Let us explore these legends through two magical tales. Sorry for dropping xmas content two days after xmas.

Dads have it rough. Whether you're selflessly saving your podunk town from bankruptcy, or just being a terrible father to your kids, sometimes you just need a break. Too bad, it's christmas. Buy some presents and be better. You've been told.

What if board games but movie? We delve into this extremely complex question as we explore these two films. It's pretty amazing how you can shoehorn a concept into pretty much any film. And how hard you can phone in your performance while still cashing a paycheque.

The most classic mushroom fueled sci-fi fever dream book is now a movie TWICE OVER! We look at both Denis Villeneuve's modern take and David Lynch's 1984 'cinematic experience'. Did our eyeballs start bleeding? They might have, but you'll never know just from reading the episode description!

You'll never guess the twist ending that comes at the end of this episode. Will they ever get to the first round? Was there a puppy present during recording? Did they have pizza?! Only one way to find the answers to these Shyamalanian riddles . . . .

Pack up your sleeping bags and kiss mom and dad goodbye, we're going to camp! These films shocked the nation when they first dropped, but will they hold up now? Also has anyone seen Jason? He went swimming an hour ago and hasn't been back.

We're back for season 3 with our SPOOOOPY Halloween! The dead rise, and they want brains, or flesh, or just to be understood? We examine the movie that started the whole zombie genre, and then a movie that turned it all on its head. Welcome back folks!

We're taking the top 16 movies that have won their respective episodes and we're putting them head-to-head to determine which movie will reign supreme. Miranda Meijer joins us to help keep us level headed as the competition heats up. How far will The Mummy make it? 

In the words of Nomi Malone, "You can't win if you don't gamble". That phrase is just factually not true but oh boy was there a gamble in these films. Roles that made and destroyed careers, what could be more fun to throw head to head? Special guest Steve Vlahos joins us to wade into Paul Verhoeven's mind, and Channing Tatum's abs, and he also gives us a little peek into his experience voicing Psy...

Steven Spielberg goes to war! In two different decades! Separated by 20 years! This one got away from us a bit but hey it's still entertaining. Maybe listen to it in sessions?

Canada has sent out a lot into the world, but few can ever hope to surpass the impact that our Ryan's have made to pop culture. Frederick Banting move over, here comes the dreamy gaze and sarcastic wit that only Canada can produce. This episode also serves as a national petition to change the country name to Ryantopia, get on board or get out.

Which would you choose: A mind altering terror-drug that turns you into a homicidal maniac or a mind altering political philosophy rooted in years of misinformation and greed that turns you into a homicidal maniac? It's clear this round that even though a Citizen Kane of the Week is awarded, none of us are winners. HAVE FUN!

Sam Raimi. Based on your reaction to that name we can tell a lot about the person you are and the kind of movies you like. If that sentence intrigued you then you have no choice but to play on and to hear what we have to say. It is movie law, I'm sorry we have no sway over that . . .remember emo Tobey? God what a choice.

Low budget masterpiece takes on low budget Canadian b-movie. Like ketchup and mustard could there be a more natural pairing? Today we delve into the slasher originator and what hopefully becomes the originator of a whole new series. It was a good week folks!