Anything But Vanilla Podcast

Tell us truly, on a scale of one to one million, how much do you absolutely hate wearing a bra? Has your pandemic life led you down the path of ditching that torso binding, bullshit contraption forever? Can you roll like Fran and do your damnedest to never wear one again? Or are you Claire, who will unfortunately be going to her grave with her bra securely fastened? Either way, you do you boo.  We...

Claire. Claire. Wake the fuck up woman! While we don’t consider this episode boring (the title clues you into that) Claire sure did show up during this evening recording and spread her tired ass, yawning face all over the place. Guess we are officially too old to be recording when it’s 7:30 pm.  Welcome in to episode 89, where Claire deems this season 2 of our show and Fran is confused as ever. Th...

Dear, sweet, kind, caring listeners, we love you, we missed you and we finally have good sound quality… because we got to record inside thanks to science and being fully vaccinated hosts!!! Oh, and how glorious it was to be warm, comfy and slightly drunk in Claire’s bed. To all of you listeners who were concerned about the pod, we appreciate your love and messages, calls and face to face talks. We...

Oh listeners, we know we take up lots of your time with our drunken ranting, our aggressive opinions, our old lady like bickering and Claire’s love of Rizzoli and Isles. And the first step in recovery is acknowledging you have a problem. That being said, this week we kept it short and sweet, just for you. Because we love you and respect your time, you know? Welcome in to episode 87, where we, for...

Dear listeners, is it only us or, do you too find yourselves having to sift through several public nudity memories to try and find the worst of the lot? And, listeners, how many publicly embarrassing moments can two women accumulate across their lifetimes? This question is rhetorical of course, because if you have listened to this show for any length of time you will likely know that the ladies of...

Why, hello there… don’t you look gorgeous. We haven’t seen you in a while. Did you miss us? You did? Well, we missed your sweet cheeks too! We are back dear listeners of ABV and boyyyyyyy do we have an episode for you. Let’s all gather round the outdoor heaters, six feet apart, drinks in hand and fuck the patriarchy together, shall we? Welcome in to episode 85, where we are sharing a hot take on s...

You know how we know 2021 is going to be better than the shittiest of years, 2020? For starters, Trump is gone, so there’s that. For seconds, we get to record in person, outside (at least for now, but its something ladies and gents) aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnddddddd our favorite cohost, the hostess with the biggest and best laugh, the woman who knows someone who can getcha what you need, Erica Castillo (!)...

It is kept under lock and key for a reason. You know, all your inner thoughts, secret wishes, deepest desires, protected by two hard covers and a lock and key. And the social contract that binds us all, that males us human- do not read someone else’s diary. Its a part of our social contract, our moral code, our given rights to one another, from childhood throughout adulthood. Then, does it surpris...

Not much to say, other than that it's a damn birthday miracle that we got this new years episode up for Claire! Happiest of birthdays the most judgey, nosiest, funniest and kindest cohost around, Enjoy this birthday miracle everyone and Happy New Year!  F**K off 2020, helllllllllo wonderful 2021.  Classic Hot Buttered Rum 1 stick (4 ounces) unsalted butter ½ cup light brown sugar 1 teaspoon v...

Oh shit. You know it’s 2020, plus stay at home orders and back to that bullshit zoom recording when we are almost a week late in posting the podcast. But hey, do you blame us? This messy ass year is coming to a close and we are all sorts of topsy turvy. But never fear... episode 81 is here! This  week in review brings listeners the great (Fran’s son is old enough to finally get Christmas and is so...

I mean, you know us by now, right dear listeners? Pillars of the community? Gentle souls? Most non-judgmental duo on this planet??? Wait, no, that’s not us. Sorry. We got confused for a minute. We are the pair of podcasters who almost always roast the person soliciting our advice and in the case of this episode, it gets a little awkward. We don’t mean to judge too harshly, but this mother is givin...

You have to appreciate her honesty, really. She truly has no shame, for all of your listening pleasure. Because, who at this point, dear listeners, would freely admit that they might actually buy this thing? The target market for this product is the white, conservative and aged populace of this country... so you must forgive her, really. She had no flipping idea that the douche who owns this compa...

Do you, dear listeners, love yourself a whipped cream bikini, like producer Brian does? Were your formative sexual experiences define by James Vanderbeek and the cast of varsity blues? Are you also as obsessed with prison culture as Claire is? Do you long for a prison pen pal and suggest that lonely widows out there, go seek and find them someone who is Locke up to converse with? Well then, you po...

A week ago were you feeling like us, dear listeners? Depressed, anxious, frazzled, exhausted, overwhelmed? Scared, paranoid, jittery, with just a touch of 2016 election PTSD? You aren’t alone, and as a result, the ladies of ABV had to take last week off from recording. BUT WE ARE FUCKING BACK BABY! We have a COMPETENT and COMPASSIONATE President and Vice President elect and WE FEEL LIKE NEW HUMAN...

Are you, dear listener, as hopeful as Claire is about our future, given the shitastic year we are having? Do you, like she does, in fact believe that these children will save us? Do you believe, as much as she does, that these children, are in fact, our future, so much so, that you will fire up that show choir voice and let loose your rendition, of said beliefs song? Well then, you are in the righ...

God Damn you 2020. Yes, we said it. Or rather, we say it, time and time again, this year is just a huge flaming piece of trash. AND NOW????? You take away one little bright spot from our lives too? Why’d you have to do it? Huh? Why’d you have to go and take Jerry from us? That mat talk. That love. That positivity. That bright personality. It’s all gone. 2020, you done did us dirty, finally and off...

Ooooooooooooo lala… what do vibrators, blowjobs and ABV have in common? All three get ya going and satisfy that itch that you just needed to be scratched, duh! This weeks episode is all about the saxxxxy times, so listeners (especially our mom s and family members) beware! Pop in your head phones, don’t let your kids listen and if this weeks episode title doesn’t get you buzzin' during these...

Do you, dear listeners, have any awkward celebrities run Ins that make you cringe, make you sad or break your heart (In Fran's case) just a little bit? You don't? Well, let us set the scene... it is the mid 2000's, you have never heard of coronvirus, netflix was shipped vis USPS and you got to get trashed at your favorite local haunt on the regular. You don't have a care in the...

The world is divided into two types of people… those who procrastinate and those who do not. If you haven’t guessed yet, Fran and Claire are of the former group, as evidenced by this weeks late episode. HOWEVER, research has also shown that individuals who procrastinate are generally; more creative, have better taste, exhibit greater intelligence, have wlcked senses of humor and are extremely witt...

We all have that friend, you know the one, who likes to tell you what do and when to do it. The one who is always right and likes to tell you about it and weigh in on your wrongs. The one who calls you out for breaking the rules and then breaks them herself! Wait… you don’t have this friend? WTF? Claire has been telling me that there is one of these in every relationship and thats just the way it...

Tale as old as time… true as it can be… can you finish the lyrics here???? This tale is of a woman. Does she need to sell her soul, compromise her morals and completely change her being in order to GET THAT MONEY????? The answer, dear listeners, is NO. An emphatic NO, she does not. An in our opinion, sister, you don’t need to sell your soul, all that you need to do is sell. that. vagina.  And you...

Names, names, what’s in a name???? How important is choosing the name with the “right” fit, feeling and flow? Well, if you are as petty as the B who thinks she knows better than everyone else in this weeks advice, there is a lot to a name. And she is out to take it for her own.  Welcome in to episode 69, where we tell it like it is... and in this case, it’s cold blooded. This  week in review bring...

How many times have you, dear listeners, blamed your shitty behavior on your upbringing? Drinking too much? For sure my dads fault. Picking assholes in relationships? Again, daddy issues. Critical of my family? All my mom. Can’t commit to a good partner? Look at my parents marriage... we here at ABV are of the mind that blaming your folks for all your life’s problems is a straight cop out. Except,...

Hello out there! You! Yes, you listening to this podcast! Does the use of the word “daddy” for your significant other make you cringe? Are you dying to have a “Molly” party once this pandemic is over? Are you a mom who is clearly dreaming of days where you could vacation away from your children??? Well then this is the episode you have been waiting for! Welcome in to episode 67, where someone is j...

Let us set the scene. The year? 1998. You are on your couch waiting patiently for your favorite TV show to start (Its ’98 so you watch your favorite shows, when cable TV says you watch). Before their was true reality TV, there was the MTV True Life series and this week we are transporting you back to the late 90’s so that you can relieve your days on the couch watching the drama unfold. Don’t than...