Swordboys - Cut x Cut

Happy Thanksgiving Swordboys! Here is a special patreon only episode for your holiday weekend. Go watch The Warrior and the Sorceress on Youtube and then listen in. There are a lot of boobs in this. Nuff said! (It also has David Carradine scowling around...)

Grab your kudookus and head on down to the Mount Olympus food court, because Yabba Dabba Zeus has got the games on - the Olympic Games, that is! That's because Jason is assembling a crack team of absolute dickheads in diapers to head down to Georgia and we have "trivia" about every one single of them. Two Poops, Castor Oyl, Podcastus, Euphemism, Spyro of Skyland, Timothy Olmundson an...

Greece is the word! By way of Southern Italy that is. Hey, how depressed is Ray Harryhausen? Could a depressed person make this? Because we are setting course on an epic adventure filmed with Dynamation in cut 1 of 1963's "JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS"! Pelias and his soothsayer smoke a bowl and get directions from Fred Flintstone Zeus, but my guy cannot stop defiling Hera's temples!...

In our final cut, our intrepid swashbuckler races to stop the dastardly plan to give General Santa Anna back his own gold to buy California, and murder all the peasants that mined it! This time we have dual duels because, while Al is here to set several fires and explosions off in his fight against Captain Love, Don Diego picks up his sword to take down his evil baby-abducting archenemy Don Monter...

We are feasting on swords and neighplayers this week! Zorro escapes with the map and is surprised by how properly instructed Elena is! They play a game of flirty swords before Elena is vigorously undressed! After that, Clompy and new friend Tad team up to deliver one of the last old school horse stunt spectaculars! But now it’s personal for Don Diego as he faces off with Don Raphael like it’s an e...

At last! The legendary Zorro arrives and we get a spectacular swordfight to talk about this week! But first, we have to discuss: Brazilian steakhouses, Clompy's favorite scene, horse tunes, Elena Origins, Head Jar, removable mustaches, flaming Zs, the sounds of swords, Gymkata, and the literal Mask of Zorro! Get comfortable, grab yourself a glass of isopropyl alcohol, and let the sound of our...

Welcome to Hell’s Outhouse! No swordplay this week, but something is unsheathed! Fire up the Tango! Al and El hit the floor while Don Diego hits a guard. We learn about Don Raphael's sinister plan and see how massive his secret operation is. So that obviously means that our conversation is mainly about oral histories, Epcot Center, lobby dumps, the Macarena, Dirty Dancing, minor miners, and Th...

Banditos! Senoritas! Caballeros! This is a house of God! The Swordboys follow the new Zorro into a confessional booth that has both Al and El looking for any (glory)holiness between them. After he escapes both lust and Love, Al gets a dressing-down from Double D and his whip, before getting a dressing-up for a bougie fiesta where he faces scrutiny from a rouge-y Don Montero. Merry Whipmyth! Runtim...

Cue the training montage! The very sexy Don Diego decides to sober Alejandro up after finding him drinking whiskey with limes and salt. But how "Miyagi" are his teachings? Once trained, Zorro Begins by setting his sights on a Black Beauty with hair that matches his own. Will Al be able to claim Torna-dos as his own, and how many soldiers will he accidentally blow up in the process? Los M...

We meet the grown Murrieta brothers and their pal Tres Fingers Jack as the pull a scam on a group of Californian soldiers. But their plans are cut short by the appearance of Captain Love. A very ironic name, although he does love killing so I guess he never works a day in his life. Don Diego slinks out of jail as the evil Don Rafael comes back to California with his daughter, Elena. Don't lose...

Time for a proper movie! Roberto, Ricardo and Juanathan are back to discuss the ONLY Zorro movie, despite what Legend says: THE MASK OF ZORRO! In this first cut, we are denied Antonio, but the real Zorro arrives first, played by a very agile 61-year-old! We talk Zorro origins, its ties to real history, what sword he uses and of course his gentle steed Clompo! Jess... Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:18:03

We come ARMED to our last cut of CONAN THE BARBARIAN! Conan, Subotai and the Wizard prep the beach Home Alone-style to ambush "Tulsa" Doom with the Princess as bait! With a final prayer to Jobu, Conan dispatches Thorgrim and is nearly killed by Rexor but is saved at the last minute by a tall blonde angel! And finally, Conan takes one last trip to Snake Mountain to get his vengeance. CROM...

Soup's on! Conan, Valeria, and Subotai make their way into the sunken living room of Thulsa Doom's lair and there are so many questions. How does the fornication room work? How does it smell? What's the secret of the ooze? Why is Thulsa turning into a snake? How many penises does a snake have? And how much gasoline is needed for an Amazonian corpse to explode into flame? CROM!!! Runtim...

Happy belated Easter! Get your Tree of Whoa talk here at Swordboys where the crucifixions come with some tasty crucifixins'! Then the Wizard half-asses some sort of spell to attack Conan's corpse with some ghosties. And finally, after some flexin' and sword kata, the trio head to Thulsa's Temple of Doom to help them get their kitchen nightmares in order. Yes Chef, I mean, CROM!! Runtime: 01:15:50...

Conan is alone now, and meets a wizard, adorned in felt skins, trading Clompy in for a couple of humps. After that, he uses his mime skills and attractive pecs to infiltrate the snake cult cast of 100s! But a pointy white hat isn't enough to disguise the enormous barbarian, and so finds himself face-to-face with his greatest enemy! CROM! Runtime: 00:59:59 - 01:15:50

Enter Valeria! Team Coco picks up another warrior to help them infiltrate the very smelly Snakehole Lounge. After that, it's time for booze, breathable gruel and boning! Finally, Conan, Subotai and Valeria are given a fetch quest to the Mountain of Power which might actually be the very place Conan was going to anyway! CROM!!! Runtime: 00:40:20 - 00:59:59

Warm yourself next to the fire of Swordboys this week as Travis of the Bow returns for Cut 3 of Conan the Barbarian! After Conan gets some d-erection from a wolfwitch, he meets a surfing thief named Subotai and together they go on a black lotus-influenced rampage through Zamora's livestock. This had better not be Haga! CROM! Runtime: 00:29:46 - 00:40:20

WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE? Having a Bowboy like Travis to stop by and discuss Cut 2 of Conan the Barbarian! We start with Young Conan strapped to the Wheel of Pain, where his sisyphean struggles turn him into Arnold Schwarzenegger! Eventually he's tossed in a Thunderbowl to fight for his life against various emissaries of Skeletor. He's trained as a fighter and is rewarded with the pleasures of...

Let me tell you of the days of high adventure! The Swordboys return to the Hyborian Age and dust off their Arnold impressions for it is finally time to discuss CONAN THE BARBARIAN! Do we even need to say the 1982 version? Even if it opens with a Kelly Clarkson quote? Of course not, because Jonathan really needs a win this time. Topics discussed are the tragic tale of the father of the sword and so...

You and I have unfinished business. Baby, you ain't kidding, because the Swordboys have finally reached the conclusion of KILL BILL: THE WHOLE BLOODY AFFAIR! Jonathan is on edi-Bills, Robin brings some not-so-fun facts and Rick praises Bill's parenting. They also discuss the infamous car crash, sword songs, thumbsuckers, Superman's secret identity, more reasons why Harvey Weinstein is...

The Swordboys celebrate their two-year anniversary as the now-named Beatrix Kiddo crosses two names off her kill list. Robin acts like a hot mess, Jonathan continues to be a lovable scamp, and Rick figures out a way this movie could have been better. Still, we give Daryl Hannah some props for being a crimefighting activist, and Elle Driver some props for writing all her fun facts and jokes down. F...

The Swordboys travel to China with young Beatrix to undergo the "cruetelage of paella", which just may be the training she needs to escape her subterranean cell! Along the way, they discuss important topics such as their favorite pies, double knots, Dead Poet's Society, the best part of a rat, Quentin's nearly-disastrous casting, breakaway flutes, whooshy ponytails, MythBusters,...

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey! The Swordboys head to the strip club for Budd's shift as we finally get into some Madsen Facts. Michael Madsen - actor, poet, hot sauce maker, and Tarantino staple - plays the most conscientious DiVA, Budd, who is now living a humble life with a satisfied mind. But The Bride is here for a payback that will leave one of them six feet under. Along the way, the Swordb...

Come hang with the Swordboys as we start the Volume 2 half of the Whole Bloody Affair in desolate El Paso where The Bride and The Groom do a dress rehearsal of death. Arlene’s daddy, a silver miner from Perth, has arrived, flute in hand. But will he give The Bride away, or will this turn into a bloodbath? Give Daddy a kiss as he helps tie the knot. TWBA Runtime: 01:42:53-01:59:00 Volume Two Runtim...

Woo hoo! Time for the Swordboys to drift over to Tokyo and discuss Chapter 5 which is full of gallons and gallons of blood! More blood than a human could realistically geyser out of their body but, hey, Morbius is happy. What else does this chapter contain? Swords! Lots and lots of swords! So many swords that you might not wonder where The Bride pulled hers from. We do know that she's a real blood...