Sex for Saints

Most of us keep score in our marriages without ever calling it that. We track who got up with the baby, who apologized first, how many times we reached over and got turned down. It starts as a way to get something to change, and it ends up making sure nothing does. In this episode I talk about what scorekeeping actually is, what it looks like around the house and in the bedroom, and why your count...

The men in my comments say the same thing over and over. She was one way before the wedding and another way after, and they feel like they were sold something that never got delivered. Women tell me the same thing from the other direction. He wanted to know everything about her before marriage, and now the only time he comes looking for her is when he wants sex. Both of them believe they got the b...

Somewhere along the way, a lot of married couples stop really kissing. It turns into a quick peck at the door, or it only shows up as the first step toward sex. And the spouse who misses it usually decides that means something about whether they are still wanted, which is almost never what is actually going on. In this episode I get into why kissing disappears from a marriage, what the research sa...

Most couples who come to me have already tried. They have read the books, taken the courses, sat with a therapist, and walked out with a plan they both believed in. And it worked, for a few weeks, maybe a few months, before everything slid back to exactly where it was. In this episode I use an iceberg model I heard Brene Brown describe to explain why that keeps happening. The problem you can see i...

Many conversations about improving your sex life focus on what men can do differently. But there's another side that rarely gets talked about: women who can't receive. In this episode, Amanda breaks down two distinct patterns — the wife who checks out and endures, and the wife who keeps redirecting everything back to her husband — exploring why each happens, where the need for control comes from,...

After thousands of hours on Zoom with couples, I can usually tell by the second or third conversation which marriages are going to make it. It has almost nothing to do with the size of the problem. In this episode I walk through the six patterns I watch for, what each one sounds like on a call, and what to do if you see your own marriage in one of them. Recognizing one is not a verdict. It's infor...

Most of us have heard of the seven deadly sins, but I'd never heard them reframed quite like this. In this episode, I dig into Elizabeth Oldfield's idea that these old sins aren't really about morality checklists, they're about disconnection, and I bring that lens straight into marriage and the bedroom. The part I can't stop thinking about is a mistranslation in Matthew 5 that's convinced a lot of...

Most of the fights in your marriage aren't problems to solve. They're paradoxes, and we get stuck the moment we try to pick a side instead of accepting both. In this episode, I dig into why our faith is built floor to ceiling on paradoxes, why the Stockdale Paradox (brutal honesty plus unshakable faith) separates couples who heal from couples who quietly erode, and why even the word "cleave" asks...

What if the problem in your sex life isn't really about sex at all? In this episode, I'm talking about emotional safety and the powerful role it plays in both your marriage and your sexual relationship. We'll look at the patterns that slowly break down emotional safety, including criticism, defensiveness, dismissal, and shame, as well as what both partners can do to rebuild trust and connection. I...

Have you ever stopped yourself from feeling close to your spouse because you were worried about where it might lead? In this episode, I explore why arousal, or what the ancient Greeks called Eros, is about so much more than sex. I talk about how learning to experience desire without pressure or expectation can create deeper trust, stronger emotional connection, and a more vibrant marriage. If you'...

In this final episode of my five-part series, I challenge the idea that our sexuality is the "natural man" and offer a new framework for understanding what King Benjamin was really teaching in Mosiah 3:19. Together, we'll explore how ego, not desire, is often what keeps us disconnected from God and from our spouse, and how awareness, agency, and alignment can transform our relationships. If you've...

What if one of the most familiar teachings about sexuality deserves a second look? In this episode, I take a careful look at Alma 39 and the teaching that sexual sin is "next to murder," exploring the historical origins of that interpretation, how it became so embedded in Latter-Day Saint culture, and why I believe the scripture may be saying something very different. I also discuss the lasting im...

What if the messages you received about sexuality shaped you more than you ever realized? In this third episode of my series, I explore how decades of cultural and religious teachings affected the way many men experience desire, shame, intimacy, and marriage. Through the stories of Bennett and Silas, I unpack how those messages can show up in very different ways and why healing begins by coming ho...

Have you ever wondered why intimacy can feel so difficult, even when you've done everything "right"? In this episode, I explore how the messages many women received growing up can quietly shape their relationship with their bodies, their desire, and their marriages long after the wedding day. Through the stories of Rosalie and Hazel, we look at how different experiences can lead to similar struggl...

What if the struggles you're experiencing in your marriage started long before you ever said "I do"? In this episode, I kick off a five-part series exploring the history, teachings, and cultural influences that shaped how many Latter-day Saints think about sexuality, desire, and worthiness today. We trace the roots of purity culture, gender roles, and sexual messaging over the last century and exa...

What happens when "help" from your spouse starts to feel more like criticism? In this episode, I talk about why even well-intentioned advice can feel like an attack when it isn't invited first, especially in conversations about sex and intimacy. I walk through how unsolicited feedback triggers defensiveness in our nervous systems, why both higher-desire and lower-desire spouses fall into this patt...

How do you reconnect with your spouse after so much distance that you're not even sure you want things to go back to the way they were? In this episode, I talk about what often happens when the higher desire partner stops initiating and why that silence can bring both relief and unexpected grief for women. I explore responsive desire, avoidance, emotional safety, and the complicated vulnerability...

When the higher desire partner stops initiating after repeated rejection, it sets off a painful cycle that neither spouse knows how to break. In this episode, we walk through why he pulls back, what that silence creates on her side of the bed, and why both partners need to be initiating for a sex life that actually feels good. I explore the nervous system response behind initiation after a long si...

When sexual rejection builds up in a marriage, it rarely stays contained to the bedroom. It seeps into everything — the emotional atmosphere, the small daily gestures, and eventually the belief that anything will ever change. In this episode, we dig into why rejection hurts as much as it does, how to stop interpreting your wife's "no" as a verdict on your worth, what curiosity can open up that shu...

What happens when a man spends his whole life believing his desire could hurt someone? In this episode, I will explore how religious and cultural messages about male sexuality can lead men to disconnect from their own desire, constantly monitor themselves during sex, and quietly seek validation from their wives without even realizing it. I'll talk about how this pattern shows up differently in mar...

What if the key to a more connected, nourishing sex life is simply slowing down? In this episode of Sex for Saints, I will talk with sex researcher Chelom Leavitt about sexual mindfulness, shame, emotional connection, and why so many women struggle to feel fully present in their sexuality. We will explore how curiosity and non-judgment can transform not only our sexual experiences, but also the wa...

Hard conversations don't fall apart because of what's said, but often because of how they start. In this episode, I will show you why "ambush conversations" trigger defensiveness and disconnection, even when you're trying to fix something important. I will walk you through how to create true consent in conversations by giving context, asking for the right timing, and honoring your spouse's capacit...

What if "protect and provide" isn't outdated, but just misunderstood? In this episode, I will break down how these ideas have quietly shaped marriages and why the old definitions may be leaving couples disconnected. I will walk you through what it will actually look like for a husband to provide emotional safety, real presence, and the kind of connection that makes desire possible. We'll also talk...

What if the tension you feel around sex isn't about your relationship at all, but about being divided within yourself? In this episode, I will unpack what sexual integrity really means and why so many of us feel disconnected, even in good marriages. I will walk through the subtle ways we slip out of alignment. Things like saying yes when we mean no, hiding desires, or going through the motions. An...

What if the very thing you're doing to improve your sex life is actually making it worse? In this episode, I'm breaking down the "fix-it" mentality so many men bring into their relationship and why it creates pressure, shame, and disconnection instead of desire. I share what to do instead, including how to be present, listen without trying to solve, and approach intimacy as a team. We also talk ab...