Worthless Clowns

Brittany has a crush on the prettiest girl in school, and reminisces on the first time she saw a cow take a dump. Ali ruins Fridays for interns with her lava lamp, and cannot stop looking at restaurant stickers. A man gets whipped by the wings of a goose MMA fighter. Memories of impressing boys with Eminem lyrics, laptop dancing, and the bottoms of totem poles.  For clips and pics, follow the pod...

Ali stops being a vegetarian so that she’s free to become a vampire, and shares her new special interest in fish tanks. Brittany’s parents tricked her into thinking she might one day own a horse, a car, or even a chair. A woman’s hyper-religious parents stalk her Spotify to make sure she’s not listening to witch music. RAT NEWS: a parrot and dogs join a death metal band. Memories of our subpoena f...

Brittany goes to Monster Jam, and is beefing up to catch a predator. Ali gets scammed by two plumbers who are scared of her dog. A man eats 116 eggs and can no longer experience joy. Memories of nu metal poses, battle bots, and Peanut Butter and the Apple Jams Gang. For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate the pod!! And check us ou...

Mike Brown (Comedy Central, PBS) is our special guest this week! Mike regrets begging for love, and eats his Snickers different. Ali riffs with her gynecologist and tests her boyfriend’s pap smear knowledge. Brittany keeps hiding body parts in her dreams. Memories of the Pringle crunch, crushing on Ryan Gosling, and men knowing nothing about their friends.  Follow Mike @yomikebrown!  For clips and...

Ali ceremoniously quits nicotine by clogging her toilet with her vape. Brittany puts her life in the hands of an ultrasound technician obsessed with numerology. A man drafts a novella about accidentally taking a dump on a tent. Memories of men lecturing women about WW1, exploding Gusher heads, and old cell phone tech . RAT NEWS: watch out! they’re popping bubbles and nesting in cars! For clips and...

We’re getting this friendship notarized!!! Brittany’s on the train getting flashed secret messages from a strange man, and getting rejected by the fire department for a cat rescue. Ali accidentally gets a goth Karen haircut, and talks to a man she respects about Phish. A man accidentally invites all the neighborhood cats to his rave. Memories of Birthday Guy #2, hotdog and hamburger style, and goi...

Carmen Lagala (Colbert, Don’t Tell) joins us! Carmen’s figuring out where she’s at on the Bristol stool chart, throwing up juice, and hitting on mascots. Ali cures her adult mono with Fun Dip and Jackass. Brittany tries way too hard to be accepted at Buffalo Exchange and Godfathers Pizza. Memories of public proposals, pledge of allegiance, and making-out hands. Follow Carmen @carmstagrams, and che...

Ali’s dad reprimands her for creating a straw-based religious stereotype. Brittany joins a terrorist group of boys from middle school math class. A man rips up his girlfriend’s hand-made blanket for attention. Memories of Nair, counting songs, and Pavlov’s gun (dog). Plus RAT NEWS: rat fights, rat shoes, and crime rats! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwe...

Ali spends xmas shooting cans with pellet guns, and gifting piss bottles. Brittany’s dad is “reborn” after watching Wicked, and Ali’s dad tries to connect by wearing an apron with a pig on it. A man spends 21 years of his life believing it’s normal to have a “poop knife”. Memories of Brittany’s nephew already knowing everything, rambling prayers, and amateur hand modeling.  For clips and pics, fol...

Jake Silberman joins us!! Jake is flipping cop cars, comforting women on trains, and tracking dog shit into band class. Ali and Brittany finally grow out of their bad boy phase. Memories of the Evergreen Five, terrible exes, and crying in New York. Follow Jake @thecomedianjake and check out his special “Live In Portland” on Youtube! For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @br...

Brittany walks on eggshells at a Tokyo cat cafe with 1000 rules. Ali defends the Fighting Irish and gets invited to a dog birthday party. A man criticizes his girlfriend’s cooking via powerpoint, and then is dumped via powerpoint. Memories of washing elephants, YouTube parties, and men who smirk. This week’s RAT NEWS: we find out what a rat king ship captain would look like.  For clips and pics, f...

We accidentally manifest getting mugged by two teenagers, BIG TIME! Brittany falls in love with a game that lets her practice lying. Ali’s brother and boyfriend connect through songs about butts and piss. Memories of Toby Keith’s 911 song, protective siblings, and the Little Mermaid’s bra.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalioneil Rate...

Throwback ep!! Shane Torres (Conan, Comedy Central) joins us!! We turn into The Korn Pod. Shane is impressed by a bread-throwing child. Brittany tries to hatch chickens with blankets and cure cancer with snot. Ali’s impression of Brittany is Brittany’s impression of Ali. A man tries too hard to answer a “guess what” question and gets punished with reading assignments. Follow Shane @shanetorres, an...

James Coburn joins us!! James loses complete control of his life and his bowels, wakes up bald and vulnerable, and overcomes it all with a Walgreens purchase. Ali learns what skid marks are, and Brittany gets a 20 year old life-coach. Memories of spending all day building a dresser, the toilet shower trick, and stolen heart worm medication.  Follow James @humantabasco and check out his special on...

Ali loses the respect of her roommates after inviting a stray cat in, and sending too many Teletubbies gifs. Brittany’s noise band friend cannot bring himself to vomit on stage. A man tries to impress his job interviewers in the worst way. This week’s RAT NEWS: rats who vape, rats used as insulation, and sacrifices of rats in war. Memories of Dr Kwan PhD, imaginary horses, and drooling for an audi...

Ali gets a black eye for her loud outfit, and loses her senior year talent show to a man playing Thrift Shop on the trombone. Brittany’s friend is convinced his girlfriend is cheating on him with a man that’s exactly like him. A woman has to take a mental health day after learning where chocolate milk really comes from. Memories of hating clarinets, men asking where North is, and the Apparently Ki...

Ali’s dad takes it upon himself to protect the neighborhood from crime and steal his daughter’s jokes. Brittany’s indulging in sadness and shit talking herself for her womanhood. An outstanding hamster death story from a friend of the pod!! A boss forces his employee to show him his “droppings”. Memories of dogs in cones, Uncle Kracker, and moms in Facebook comments.  Get tickets to Brittany’s spe...

We’re joined by special guest Andrea Allan (Respectfully pod)!! Andrea ask her crush to prom, gets rejected, then resorts to infiltrating his unconscious. Brittany thinks Comic-Con is Ramadan. Ali finally orders a wallet chain, and cries to her mom about smoking weed. Memories of makeshift bongs, rehearsing conversations with boys, and failing to get into a threesome.  Follow Andrea @andreacomedy6...

Brittany gets stuck in her lucid dreams, and gets scolded by a very disappointed man. Ali’s camera roll is full of dog pictures but not the kind you’d expect. This week, we read listener emails!: venmo scamming, getting directed from the pod to a help hotline, dogs discovering sex toys, and crazy run ins with ex high school teachers. Memories of Bush vs Gore, Phoenix sucking, and DOH violations. P...

Brittany witnesses New York’s annual bird conference, and is super disappointed by a log simulation. Ali’s aunt’s dog murders an entire family of Guinea pigs. A woman severely misinterprets a compliment during a butt hair removal procedure. Memories of girl push ups, flying chairs, and deathclock.com For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, Brittany @brittonuscardwell, and Ali @itsalio...

Brittany’s convinced her head is filled with ear wigs. Ali learns to love her new vape, and accidentally goes extremist on the store attendant. TOP 10 MOST INTENSE HAMSTER DEATHS OF ALL TIME. Memories of learning how to wiggle your ears, PT Cruisers, and cute defective pets.  GET TICKETS TO OUR SHOW THIS WEEK!  MOTORCYCLE HORSE, Oct 10th 9pm at QED (Astoria), tickets at QEDastoria.com Ali, Brittan...

We accidentally plagiarize the Discovery Channel for 30 full minutes, and write a commercial for Ozempic. Brittany’s stuck in the gift cycle of abuse, and has a teen bird in her apartment. Ali thinks she’ll die washing her face in the shower, and meets a man who’s obsessed with IDs. A boyfriend is frustrated at his girlfriend’s continuous prank. Memories of puking sea cucumbers, otters in loving r...

Special guest Courtney Maginnis (Comedy Central) joins us!! Courtney sh*ts her American Apparel leggings, more than once. Brittany gets accused of stealing spoons,  Ali’s mom slams chicken soup into the toilet bowl, and a man loses his valuable collection of McChickens. Memories of losing cars, chaotic Thanksgivings, and imaginary gas leaks.  Follow Courtney @courtmaginnis, her pod @iloveyoubutyou...

Brittany gets punched in the face by an automatic umbrella, can’t comprehend Wordle, and gets scammed BIG TIME. Ali gets reprimanded for listening to loud music by an old man she dated. Super religious parents are disappointed in their teens for making fake money off strippers in Grand Theft Auto. Memories of stupid goats, the Marx Brothers, and bad forms.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @wort...

Introducing a new segment: RAT NEWS!! Brittany thinks horses are afraid of heights, and accidentally feeds her best friend glass. Ali is in a 12 person van surrounded by drag queens. A boyfriend reprimands his girlfriend for giving thoughtful and practical gift. Memories of Snoop’s reaction to dressage, water fights, and huge women’s wallets.  For clips and pics, follow the pod @worthlessclowns, B...