If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me

Welcome to The Big Pineapple, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week the episode and try not to cry… as Kelly says, “When I was 14, these two characters, Willow and Tara, meant more to me than real-life human beings…” In this episode, we waddle through: Plot and Firsts and Benson Quotes (1:45) Initial Thoughts (16:00) Tropes on Tropes [?] (20:00) — Psycho Lesbian, Bury Your Gays...

Welcome to Urn of Ishtar, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we confused entropy with atrophy and talk about a twenty year old television show. In this episode, we talk Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (10:20) Xander Unloading (17:45) Does Xander hate demons, or love Buffy? (34:00) Spike: He spilled the beans (40:30) Should Tara have taken Willow back?! (48:15) Yellin...

Welcome to A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we create a latticework of discussion around the great “Normal Again.” In this episode, we screw up the courage to discuss: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (8:30) Ambiguity — Is Sunnydale Real? — Joyce & Hank — Why people don’t like this episode — Todd & S...

Welcome to Interfector Mortis, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we celebrate love and loss in the wedding of the century with “Hell’s Bells.” In this episode, we vow to discuss: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (11:20) We Can’t Go Back? Xander Harris (19:15) Oil and Water: The Harris Family (28:00) The Visions (& Xander/Buffy & Stuart Burns) (31:00) Anya as vengeanc...

Welcome to Ferula Gemina, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we go robot commando with our bestie Riley and his boo in “As You Were.” In this episode, we talk: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (9:30) Why does this episode exist? (13:00) Is this a fantasy? Less person than parody! (16:00) Have we shown up at ex’s place of work? How do we feel about it? (22:30) Conspira...

Welcome to Twilight Compendium, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we go to a “party” with new friends in “Older and Far Away” In this episode, we talk: Plot and Firsts (1:25) Initial Thoughts (9:00) Dawn’s shoplifting in response to abandonment? (18:15) Anya’s meltdown (24:10) Willow should’ve used magic (27:10) Halfrek debacle (35:30) Yelling (43:45) Watches (1:02:45) Rank...

Welcome to Hebron’s Almanac, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we dedicate our productivity to a CLASSIC episode, “Dead Things.” In this episode, we talk: Plot and Firsts (1:30) Initial Thoughts (9:45) False Memories (16:00) Friends better off if Buffy never came back? (38:20) Naive Rapists (41:00) Willow and Tara (50:40) Buffy turning herself in (56:50) Yelling (1:09:00) W...

Welcome to Order of Taraka, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we see how well the cow and the chicken get along over at the Doublemeat Palace, in “Doublemeat Palace.” In this episode, we talk: Plot and Firsts (1:30) Initial Thoughts (8:30) Fast Food Scandals (plus Macheezmo Mouse aside) (14:30) Have you worked fast food? (29:00) Amy/Willow (37:15) Anya/Xander/Halfrek (41:50...

Welcome to The Black Chronicles, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we haunt the arcade in “Gone.” In this episode, we talk Plot and Firsts (2:30) Initial Thoughts (7:30) Invisibility (12:30) invisibility spells (21:00), invisibility tech (25:00), social invisibility (30:45) Buffy’s instinct (34:00) What would you do when invisibile? (36:00) Dawn’s issues (42:00) Yelling (50...

Welcome to The Idol of Oofdar, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we wake up in our fucked down house and jump in a car with Willow in “Wrecked.” In this episode, we talk: Plot and Firsts (1:45) Initial Thoughts (8:00) Operation Artichoke (12:00) Dawn (24:10) Willow (29:10) Rack & The Rules of Magic (38:10) Ending (54:05) Yelling (1:03:00) Watches (1:24:20) Rankings [plus Da...

Welcome to Meteors and You, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we f**k a house down with “Smashed” In this episode, we marvel at this being better than we thought: Plot and Firsts (2:30) Fun Facts, from Stacia! (6:30) Initial Thoughts (11:00) Buffy//Willow talk (20:00) Spike’s character & soul (23:00) Divorced Tara & Dawn / Willow / Trio (30:45) How much is too much magic? (...

Welcome to Blood Rite and Sacrifice, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we lose our memories and wipe the slate clean with “Tabula Rasa.” In this episode, we talk: Plot and Firsts (1:30) Initial Thoughts (7:00) Memory and Memory Loss (12:30) A Huge Dive into Tara, Willow, and the rules of magic (30:30) Giles leaving (43:45) Post-spell questions (50:00) Yelling (55:00) Watch...

Welcome to The Book of Tarnis, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, after five years of waiting, the great “Once More, With Feeling.” In this episode, we go way too deep on: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (9:30) The TV Musical — pre-Buffy, animation, “musical” in name only, fleeting musical elements, musicals of the imagination, and musicals of magic— as well as musi...

Welcome to The Sunnydale Class of ‘99, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week... In this episode, we talk: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (7:00) Mr. Kaltenbach (10:00) Candy scares, Glico (13:10) Parking with Vampires (30:45) Bad, Bad Willow (46:45) Was this the first time Willow poisoned Tara? (55:00) Yelling (1:00:00) Watches (1:19:00) Rankings (1:23:45) / Full show n...

Welcome to The Word of Valios, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we try to make ourselves productive in the workforce in “Life Serial.” In this episode, we talk Plot and Firsts (1:45) Initial Thoughts (9:30) What are jobs? Well, a job. Saturation divers (12:30) What would Buffy be good at? (27:00) College and auditing classes (30:00) Buffy at the Magic Box (37:15) Spike an...

Welcome to The Shadow Men, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we fix the leak without Tito in “Flooded.” In this episode, we discuss: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Plumbing (11:15) Initial Thoughts (27:30) Feeling protective of Buffy (36:00) Big discussion of finances & Anya’s suggestion (40:00) Should Buffy tell Giles about heaven? (55:00) Angel Update (57:00) Yelling (1:03:00) Wa...

Welcome to This One Starbucks Town, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we sit in the shade as Buffy contemplates her renewed existence in "After Life." In this episode, we discuss: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (8:00) Ghost Hunters — the Warrens (13:00) Our smothering friends (36:00) Should Buffy just tell her friends (41:00) Giles Factor (48:00) Spike's Foreshadow...

Welcome to A Town-wide Epidemic of Laryngitis, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we continue the resurrection of Ms. Summers with Part 2 of "Bargaining." In this episode, we end our season premiere: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (10:00) Nikolai Fyodorovich Fyodorov (17:00) Grieving & Our Friends (31:00) Did Willow Know The Stakes? (35:30) How would you possibly co...

Welcome to Arashmahar, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we return to Sunnydale, like Buffy, with "Bargaining, Part 1" In this episode, we discuss: Plot and Firsts (3:00) Angel Update (12:00) Initial Feelings (16:00) Dadaism (21:30) Giles (31:00) Better not to resurrect Buffy & Slayerettes expected to maintain (36:00) When did we decide to bring her back — and how selfless...

Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for Buffy and Co, Beep Me Pod will be delayed for about a month. Look for weekly episodes in November as we sprint to catch up with the season! Thanks for understanding! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit beepmepod.substack.com/subscribe

Welcome to Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we've finally made it to the end of Season 5, "The Gift." In this episode, we talk: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Angel Update (9:30) Initial Thoughts (20:00) Talkin' Prophecy Girl Blues (26:00) The episode: Opening scene (30:00), Blood is the Blood (36:00), Giles as pragmatist? or cruel...

Welcome to I'm Not Wearing Underwear, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, the penultimate fifth season episode, "The Weight of the World." In this episode, we're disappointed in the following order: Plot and Firsts (1:30) Initial Thoughts (10:00) Ben and Glory b******t (25:00) Catatonic states (29:00) Buffy's visions (41:00) What's in the Doc's box? (46:00) We close with yel...

Welcome to I'll Bring the Marshmallows, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we aim for the horsies in "Spiral." In this episode: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (7:00) The timeline (9:30) Knights Questions (18:00) Buffy, the realist — Scoobies on the Run (23:30) Horse Facts: Creatures of Movement (28:00) Buffy: As Badass MF (40:00) Knights: As LARPers, as People (45:4...

Welcome to Black Frost, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we swim with a cast of extras against some multicultural fair in "Tough Love." In this episode, we discuss: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (9:00) Kelly thinks about Season 1 (18:00) Twinkie Defense (25:30) Crux of this episode — its basically the first half of Tabula Rasa's second half (39:00) Talking Dawn a...

Welcome to You Have Something Face, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we return to the robotics realm with "Intervention." In this episode, we discuss: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (11:00) Balancing humor and seriousness (14:00) Hokey Pokey (19:00) Buffy's job as a Slayer (30:30) Buffy Bot (41:30) Buffy forgiving Spike (51:00) Yelling (55:00) Watches (1:12:30) R...