This is M.

A pinball-brained entry about reconsidering grad school applications, the slowing of the creative mechanism, a flat bike-tire, software synthesis, The Divine Comedy, and aspiring auteurism.

Big changes recently including starting the next semester at school and putting in my two weeks at work. Also discussed: taking the ride and trusting the process of less eventful, but more rewarding endeavors.

Falling into old habits since returning from Taiwan, the perpetual disappointment of not being fulfilled by things that should make you happy, the feeling of living life with the e-brake on, and the underlying allegory of the Christopher Nolan film, "Memento."

Good to be in touch again after nearly two years.  In this installment I discuss events since we last spoke, studying Mandarin Chinese in Taiwan this summer, my dating experiences (and disappointments) while abroad, and my ambivalence about coming back to the States and falling into my old routines very easily.

The final episode of the podcast, starting at a new school, the strangeness of taking classes on campus again, reading "Titus Andronicus" and "Antigone," the challenge of Intermediate Chinese this semester, teaching in Mandarin only, discovering the bookstore where I stumbled on the "I Ching" has closed, separating from my girlfriend, being in couple's counseling for the last couple months, return...

Reflecting on the end of the podcast, feeling puzzled over the poor reviews, pain in my mouth, doing a deep-cleaning on my place, the external being a representation of the internal, recounting a first date with someone who had the messiest place I've ever seen, feeling insecure about the cleanliness of my own place, wanting to feel like I'm starting over, wanting to get rid of everything, reflect...

Finishing strong in summer school, preparing for the Fall semester, studying chess recently, having more tools at your disposal than ever before to learn anything, how "seeking advice" is often a thinly veiled way of asking someone to save you from doing the hard work that is necessary for success, buying a new bag and a bike, entering a period of liminality in my life, how pursuing a creative car...

Correcting last week's audio, getting some serious work done at the dentist this weekend, the relief of working toward getting those issues fixed, getting ready for the next semester of school, locking myself out my car today, recounting another time I got locked out of my truck on tour, the strangeness of getting older, hearing from someone at work that they've been listening to the podcast, the...

The travesty of my first visit to the dentist in sevenish years, needing to end up exactly where you deserve to be in life for your own salvation, the double-edged delusion of "imposter syndrome," possibly taking a break after these 100 episodes, calling myself out for avoiding the subject of the last few episodes, watching Bo Burnham's "Inside" finally, being predictably discouraged by it, the in...

Feeling anxious about this week's episode, hiccups in posting last week's video, continuing last week's conversation, bringing those topics up for the first time in therapy this week, the feeling of safety and self-disclosure, the first time I shared the secret of my substance use after a year in therapy, speaking frankly about shit and suicide, Dr. Pimple Popper, two terrifying realizations in th...

Treating myself to a new toy for my birthday, living with a broken phone for three years, other potentially self-limiting behaviors, not seeing yourself the way others do, my girlfriend's own insecurities, the "ponytail date," the devastating impact of the release of Bo Burnham's "Inside," creation as the culmination of your experience, feeling locked in your life, betraying a gift from the cosmos...

Not trusting the judgment of critics, the perils of soliciting feedback, not being able to judge yourself objectively, not knowing what you don't know, misjudging the quality of my first recordings, advice and criticism saying more about the people offering it than anything you should do, the profound kernel of wisdom at the center of Disney's "Moana," words of wisdom from the Toyota dealership, s...

The unlikely influence of pastor John MacArthur, a longstanding interest in religion, stumbling at the end of this first summer session of Chinese, the impact on my confidence, shooting poorly at the range, bleeding chess rating points, feeling creatively deflated also, my suspicion that Bo Burnham's "Inside" will devastate me, betraying my own creative muse, the numinous nature of creativity and...

Back on top in Chinese class, struggling with a wall to wall to schedule everyday, knowing one area of my life will suffer as a result, recounting the stressors of the week, the horror of the new neighbor's band practice, being noise sensitive, the emotional and psychology imposition of inconsiderate people, everything going wrong that could wrong before my most recent test, having to confront the...

Falling short on my most recent Chinese exam, feeling a disturbance in the force leading up to it, intuitive vs. data driven decision making, attending a wedding this week, showing up early and observing "the help," reflecting on the unobserved experience of many musicians, the joy of watching two singles "hook up" at the wedding, the HBO documentary "Allen vs. Farrow," vehemently defending a posi...

Approaching the last ten of the first one hundred episodes, feeling the need to finish strong both in the podcast and in life, self-consciousness as a motivator to perform well, being raised to be a picky eater, needing to overhaul my diet as an adult, being over and underweight and different times in my life, believing I have a mild form of body dysmorphia, impulsive vs. data driven decision maki...

Enjoying the modality of summer school, finishing my time at junior college with straight A's, recounting my time languishing at a junior college in Arizona a decade ago, teachers at that time seeing me and my circumstances clearer that I could, how we use systems of divination like Tarot and the I Ching to give us permission to do what we already wanted to, exhausting my girlfriend (and this podc...

Starting summer school and taking finals in the same week, all of the stressors coming together at the same time, apologizing to those who listen regularly for being absent, wanting to be consistent, living in the same place for the last twelve years, my entire creative output being authored within feet of where I'm sitting now, various reactions to my living space over the years, watching the ove...

The last push before finals, everything coming together at once, preparing a childhood story for ASL which I recount here, my mother thinking she had lost my bother and I at the mall when we were children, not thinking in terms of music anymore, experiencing life through the lens of songwriting at one time, the looming creative project that I have organize my thoughts around for the last six years...

Missing last week's episode, trying to finish the semester (and my time at community college in general) strong, having to absorb the responsibilities of others, the bureaucracy nightmare of the admissions process, developing the skill of advocating for yourself, shitty service as a consequence of being mismanaged, not living up to one's potential, people making excuses for themselves, leveraging...

Getting accepted to my four-year school of choice, feeling accomplished for the hard work of the last two years paying off, deciding I want to change my major moving forward, considering comparative literature and East Asian studies, worrying my reading and intellectual interests disqualified me from being a therapist, considering learning Chinese, watching the new "Mortal Kombat" movie and the CO...

Almost skipping this episode, school stress, facilitating training for work, insights from BJ Miller's (formerly of Zen Hospice Project) TEDTalk, priorities changing at the end of life, wanting to get straight A's in school, reflecting on the future of the podcast, what speaking from experience sounds like, conducting qualitative interviews for class, abstaining from social media, watching "The Gr...

Being stressed to the max with school, telling of "The Gum Story" in American Sign Language, my truck being out of commission after getting side-swiped on the street, dealing with insurance, the added stress of being without a vehicle, starting to play the very difficult video game "Cuphead," the challenge of boss fights, having to suck for a long time to succeed, a crazy coincidence regarding my...

Feeling run over after a restless night camping, squandering the opportunity to catch up on school work over my spring break, the aversion I have towards the everyday tasks of life, wanting to retire without having a career to retire from, the prospect of living in the middle of nowhere, being combed to be a good consumer, life choices culminating in a social media post, a certain type of celebrit...

Being sunburnt, feeling sad when the weather gets warm as well as cold, catching a second wave of sickness after round two of the vaccine, accomplishing the Marksman level of the NRA Marksmanship Qualification Program, navigating firearms culture in the wake of two mass shootings, the targeting of AAPI people, immigrants anglicizing their names, reflecting on Frank Oz directing "In & Of Itself...