The Messy Middle Podcast

As we head into the holiday season, I want to talk about the ghosts of holidays past: the memories, traditions, and versions of ourselves that can come rushing back when we least expect them. After abuse, betrayal, or divorce, looking back at old Christmas photos or unpacking familiar decorations can bring up a complicated mix of emotions. You might remember genuinely happy moments and then questi...

In this episode, I’m talking about something I think survivors are asked to do far too often: turn their suffering into something meaningful. We’re told to grow from it, become stronger because of it, find our purpose, build an incredible life, and somehow make the whole experience worth it. But what if you don’t want to? What if what happened to you was simply awful, unfair, and costly, and you d...

“Be the bigger person.” “Take the high road.” “Don’t be bitter.” “Think of the children.” Sometimes these phrases are genuinely useful. Sometimes they’re another way of telling the person who was harmed to absorb more of someone else’s behavior without becoming inconvenient. In this episode of The Messy Middle , I’m unpacking the hidden cost of always being told to take the high road, especially w...

Sometimes the people who help us through our hardest seasons become incredibly important to us. They show up when we're falling apart, listen to the same story for the hundredth time, help us make decisions, and remind us that we're not crazy. But what happens when we start getting better? In this episode, I’m talking about the invisible contracts that can form in relationships during a...

Have you ever finally gotten some peace and somehow felt... weird about it? After living through criticism, control, emotional volatility, or constantly having to monitor someone else's mood, the absence of all that chaos can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. You might expect to feel instantly relieved, but instead you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering what you'v...

There’s a stage of recovery I don’t think we talk about enough. It’s not the leaving. It’s not the boundaries. It’s not understanding what happened or learning to trust yourself again. It’s the moment when you suddenly realize you’re not waiting anymore. You’re not waiting for him to understand what he did. You’re not waiting for his family to finally see it. You’re not waiting for your children t...

“I don’t know who I am anymore.” It’s something I hear from women all the time after leaving a relationship - especially after years of narcissistic abuse, emotional control, or simply living in a relationship where they became very good at adapting themselves around someone else. And while I understand why we want to say, “You’ll find yourself again,” I’m not actually sure the goal is to get the...

What if your self-improvement journey has quietly become another way of telling yourself you’re not enough? I’ve noticed how easy it is to turn healing and personal growth into another fucking project. I’ll date when I’m more confident. I’ll apply for the job when I’ve dealt with my imposter syndrome. I’ll set the boundary when I’m more healed. I’ll wear the bikini when I finally make peace with m...

What if you've spent years trying to become the version of yourself you think is easiest to love? I think a lot of women would say they don't believe love has to be earned. But then we look at what it actually looks like in their relationships, and sometimes there's a very different story underneath. In this episode, I’m digging into what happens when you stop auditioning for love a...

Have you ever finally sat down… only to get back up again 30 seconds later?  Why does rest feel wrong when you're completely fucking exhausted? And even when you do sit down, your body might be on the sofa while your nervous system is still clocked in. I see this all the time with the women I work with - and I've experienced it myself. We often think we're bad at resting. That we ne...

Why do you replay conversations in your head long after they’re over? You know the drill. Three days later, you’re in the shower, driving, folding laundry or making dinner - and suddenly you’re replaying that conversation again. What they said. What you said. What you should have said. What you’ll say if it ever happens again. And somehow, your brain has turned one awkward conversation into a full...

Have you ever spent more time choosing a coffee, a shampoo, or a paint color than you did making one of the biggest decisions of your life? If you've left a controlling, manipulative, or narcissistic relationship, you're not imagining it. Those tiny everyday decisions can feel surprisingly overwhelming - and it isn't because you're bad at making choices. In this episode, we exp...

Have you ever noticed how saying a simple "No, I can't make it" somehow turns into a five-minute explanation? You start listing your schedule, apologizing, justifying your decision, and trying to make sure the other person understands... even though they never asked for all the details. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. In this episode of The Messy Middle, we're u...

Can healing ever become a way of avoiding life? It sounds like a strange question... but if you've been reading all the books, listening to every podcast, taking every course, journaling endlessly, and still feel like your life isn't actually changing, this episode is for you. In this honest and thought-provoking conversation, we explore a pattern I see time and time again with survivors...

Have you ever caught yourself laughing, enjoying a peaceful day, or realizing you hadn't thought about your ex for hours... only to be hit by an unexpected wave of guilt? If you've experienced emotional or narcissistic abuse, happiness can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. Not because you don't want it but because your nervous system learned that peace never lasted. In this episode o...

You escaped the relationship. You survived the chaos. So why are you suddenly so angry? If you've found yourself feeling unexpectedly furious months or even years after leaving a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship, you're not going backwards. You're healing. In this episode of The Messy Middle , we explore why anger often arrives long after the relationship ends, why s...

How long should healing take after narcissistic abuse? What if you're still thinking about it years later? If you've ever caught yourself thinking, "I should be over this by now," this episode is for you. One of the biggest traps survivors fall into isn't staying stuck. It's believing they shouldn't still be affected by what happened. Society expects you to move...

Do you ever look around and feel like everyone else got the life you were supposed to have? The stable relationship. The career. The home. The confidence. The clear direction. Meanwhile, you're trying to rebuild after emotional abuse, betrayal, divorce, coercive control, or years spent surviving instead of thriving. In this episode of The Messy Middle , Erica explores the painful belief that...

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "I seem okay on the outside... but inside I'm still struggling" ? After narcissistic abuse, emotional control, betrayal, or a high-conflict separation, many women find themselves functioning long before they feel healed. You're going to work, looking after the kids, handling responsibilities, showing up for everyone else, and from the out...

One of the most confusing parts of recovery after narcissistic abuse or coercive control is the moment you catch yourself wondering: "Was it really that bad?" In this episode of The Messy Middle , Erica dives into the painful spiral so many survivors experience after leaving an abusive relationship. The memories start to soften. The good moments rise to the surface. The loneliness feels...

Dating after narcissistic abuse or coercive control can feel less like excitement… and more like a full-blown survival exam. In this episode, I’m talking about why dating after abuse often becomes loaded with pressure, hypervigilance, self-criticism, and endless overthinking. The “Am I gonna miss the red flags again?” spiral. The scanning. The second-guessing. The feeling that every interaction so...

After narcissistic abuse or coercive control, there’s a phase nobody really talks about enough: the moment you go from missing red flags… to seeing them absolutely everywhere. In this episode, I’m talking about the hypervigilance that kicks in after emotional abuse recovery. That feeling where every comment, every inconsistency, every weird vibe suddenly feels loaded. Your nervous system is scanni...

If the idea of dating again still makes you feel physically ill, this episode is not for you yet, and that is completely okay. But if you have got to the point where you are dipping a toe back in, or even just thinking about it, this one is for you. Because something strange happens when you start dating after narcissistic abuse or a high control relationship. You expect to be better at spotting t...

Financial Fear After Narcissistic Abuse: What Nobody Talks About There is a moment that hits almost every woman after she leaves. Sometimes it is not right away. Sometimes it is weeks later, late at night, looking at her phone or her bank account, and it lands like a quiet, heavy dread. I am on my own. And I am going to have to fight for everything. This week I am talking about financial fear afte...

In this episode, I’m talking about something that almost every woman I’ve ever worked with eventually hits: the quiet grief of “wasted years.” It’s that heavy moment of looking back at a relationship and thinking, I lost myself in that. Sometimes it’s years, sometimes decades. And it often comes with shame, confusion, and a harsh inner narrative that says you should have known better. But what if...