Hops and Box Office Flops

Event Horizon  was Paul W.S. Anderson's follow up to Mortal Kombat. At the time, he was highly sought after. In the wake of that movie's success, he was offered the sequel to MK and even an X-Men film, amongst other things. Wanting to veer away from PG-13 fare, Anderson settled on Event Horizon. The basic premise of the film is that a salvage crew is dispatched to secure the titular ship, the Even...

Tin Cup  re-teams director Ron Shelton with his Bull Durham star Kevin Costner. The pairing, which was stellar in 1988’s Durham, fails to rediscover the magic of that film. That’s primarily because Roy McAvoy, the titular Tin Cup, just isn’t likable. He’s an obtuse man-child—much more akin to “Nuke” Laloosh than “Crash” Davis. And his foibles, which are on full display throughout, are never adequa...

Ed is a movie centering around a chimpanzee who just so happens to be exceptional at baseball. As a concept, that sounds ridiculous, but kids movies have worked with that conceit—take Air Bud as an example. But Ed is a travesty. Plain and simple. It's unfunny, nonsensical schlock, and it probably killed the notion that Matt LeBlanc could be bankable as a leading man. The film's failings are not hi...

Side Out —which stars C. Thomas Howell and Peter Horton as Monroe Clark and Zack Barnes—is the quintessential beach volleyball movie. There is a distinct lack of competition in that field, but regardless, it is a 1990s filmmaking delight. The central conceit of Side Out is that Clark, an aspiring lawyer, comes to California to intern for his uncle Max—an unscrupulous attorney who's always out for...

The Program is a highly embellished glimpse at the perils of big time collegiate football. The prioritization of wins over the actual molding of young minds is at its center, but so is football's innate ability to form lasting bonds. The men who take the field put their bodies on the line for each other. It's a brotherhood. It nails both of those aspects. The shadiness of the folks in charge is om...

Last Man Standing  is the American reimagining of Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo (1961), though it wasn't the first reinterpretation. The Spaghetti Western A Fist Full of Dollars (1964) had tread this ground before—a man with no name caught up in the exacerbating violence of warring gangs. Unlike the Italian-produced film, Last Man Standing was given Kurosawa's blessing. Unfortunately, it can't replicat...

Hudson Hawk is as bold a movie as an A-list star could possibly choose to make. And that's a compliment. Bruce Willis, most famous for playing gruff cop John McClane, stars as cat burglar Eddie Hawkins—the titular Hudson Hawk. He's tasked with stealing artifacts crafted by Leonardo da Vinci that are capable of turning lead into gold. On the surface, that sounds like a fairly standard action-centri...

Cop Out is a humorless retread of the buddy cop trope. Directed by Kevin Smith, though not written by him, it lacks the key ingredient to this tried and true formula—charismatic leads. Bruce Willis, as Jimmy, sleepwalks through the entire film. Tracy Morgan, as his partner Paul, tries dutifully to carry his lifeless husk across the finish line. But, alas, he cannot. No amount of improv or overacti...

James Gunn's  The Suicide Squad , which is a pseudo-sequel to 2016's film, is an unapologetic, Troma-inspired, super heroic gore fest. And it is glorious! This is Gunn's superhero magnum opus. He dives deep into DC's bag of obscure characters to assemble a ragtag group of expendable heathens. Make no mistake, many of these oddballs are here to die. And they do so in a series of grotesque ways. Thi...

Die Hard is arguably the greatest action movie ever made. A Good Day to Die Hard, on the other hand, is a soulless husk that's related to the prior entries in name only. Certainly, the character of John McClane, Bruce Willis, became progressively more absurd with each sequel. He'd gone from isolated cop, surviving on instinct and guile, to literally a super human battling a fighter jet on a highwa...

F9: The Fast Saga —as utterly absurd as it is—is the natural progression of a series that's always running on overdrive. Dominic Toretto, Vin Diesel, and co. were destined for this film's convoluted, bloated, and baffling narrative. Now, those may sound like knocks against it, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I just don't care how illogical the plots of these films have become. They ar...

Legend  is a bizarre fantasy fever dream—one rife with an excess of pollen, bubbles, and glitter. These things are literally everywhere, folks. They flood the beautiful scenery and are unrelenting. Also unrelenting is the film's glaring lack of plot. If you kill the unicorns, the world will be cloaked in darkness. That's the movie. Jack o' the Green, Tom Cruise, must atone for his mistake of intro...

Krull  is a pseudo cult classic. It's got some kick ass box art and a host of ideas that nostalgia clouds as being awesome. But when revisiting it, neither of those two things amount to much. Why? Well, Krull is chock full world-building. It's got a Cyclops, a cannibalistic spider, horses whose speed creates a trail of flame, and so much more. But none of them are fleshed out all that well; and mo...

2011's Conan the Barbarian  is as bad of a reboot of a classic film as you are going to find. It's just a mess, folks. Its script is often witless, contradicting itself multiple times; and its cast—as distinguished as some of their careers may be—just don't fit the roles. Worst of all, Jason Mamoa, who plays the titular hero, just didn't appear ready to bear the weight of Conan's broad sword. As m...

From the directing team of Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski—the latter of which directed indie hit PG: Psycho Goreman— The Void  is a tension-fueled ride that relies heavily on practical effects and pace to maximize its sense of dread. It works. And it is worth your investigation, especially if you are a fan of Lovecraftian horror. Those inspirations are quite evident. The Void involves a cul...

The Rundown  is a legitimately good action movie. Directed by Peter Berg, in what was his second feature film, it showcases the Rock's size and athletic abilities—while also utilizing his expansive charm. It was an indicator for how well rounded he could be as a leading man. One of the movie's tests of that is its pairing of him with Seann Williams Scott and Christopher Walken. The former is his c...

Walking Tall  is a remake of 1973 film starring Joe Don Baker. It's also "inspired" by a real-life sheriff, Buford Pusser, who patrolled the crime-laden streets of McNairy County, Tennessee, with a crudely fashioned cudgel. That's essentially the movie. The Rock walks softly and carries a big stick. As a conceit, that sounds like it could be pretty badass. Walking Tall is just executed poorly. It'...

Doom  carries on the proud tradition of terrible video game movies. It's bad, folks. Real bad. Most offensive, it basically does nothing to harness the insanity of the property that inspired it. This is a Doom movie in name only. Sure, the BFG is in it, sort of; and there are hellacious creatures. They are just mostly uninspired fare. Well, maybe they're inspired, but you can't see them because th...

Baywatch  is a bad movie. Sorry, Rock, but it's true. And it's frankly one of the worst movies based on a TV show. To be fair, that's a crowded field. Many of them are awful. This just sort of treads water among the filth. That's due in large part to the fact that it is rarely funny. It wants so desperately to be 21 Jump Street. That approach makes sense. Jump Street was able to capitalize on its...

Big Trouble in Little China is a seminal 80s movie, and it may just be John Carpenter's best work . Starring Kurt Russell—a frequent Carpenter collaborator—as the braggadocios Jack Burton, it takes a familiar formula (the action/comedy team up) and escorts it into a superbly crafted world of ancient Chinese mysticism and mayhem. It subverts audience expectations in other ways, as well. Burton—for...

The Chronicles of Riddick  is the big budget sequel to 2000's more reasonably priced and plotted Pitch Black. Both feature Richard B. Riddick (Vin Diesel), a wanted ex-con and master of navigating the dark. He's an anti-hero—a man who has done bad things, but who we root for because of his devil may care attitude. It was an archetype that worked perfectly in Pitch Black, as well as the third film...

Mortal Kombat  marks the return of the legendary video game franchise to the big screen for the first time in 24 years. Considering its wild success on consoles, the gap is hard to fathom. Certainly Annihilation sort of poisoned the well, but the 1995 original remains popular, as does its techno theme song. The one thing most would agree on, though, is that 95's lack of an R-rating kept it from tr...

Fight Club  hasn't aged well. And that's putting it mildly. It wasn't that David Fincher and company didn't have something to say. Certainly, they did. It's more that the message is muddled and often lost amidst the overpowering stardom of Brad Pitt. You cast a movie star, you get a virtuoso performance. That's generally not an issue, but when the character is meant to represent the reprehensible,...

Pacific Rim  is Guillermo del Toro's homage to the Kaiju movies that fascinated him in his youth. To that end, it is a lovingly crafted and often beautiful film that delivers on the promise of its premise. What is the conceit? Well, in short, Jaegers—giant Earth-protecting mechs—fight invading Kaiju who emerge from a rift within the Pacific Ocean. And for all the movie's foibles—the plot has many—...

Godzilla vs Kong  is a historic rivalry, yet it has been 59 years since these two giants of cinema last traded blows. That seems far too long, but fortunately for the "Monsterverse," the timing couldn't have been better. In our  King of the Monsters (KotM) episode , Chumpzilla and I were bullish about the future of this series. We knew this movie would at least be made, but short of a miraculous r...