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We're gonna do what they say can't be done: Record a podcast about road trips. In fact, we've already done it! It's here right now, and you can listen to it. It really wasn't even that hard, actually. I don't know why they're so adamant that it can't be done.

Which brother are you? Take this quiz to find out. Don't care? Take it anyway. This is a state-mandated quiz, and you won't be able to apply for jobs without having completed it.

If you haven't yet gotten rich by following one of our roughly ten thousand get rich quick schemes we've offered on this podcast, then this episode is probably not for you. We're switching it up; instead of telling you how to get rich, we're now telling you how to act once you've become rich. Call it Step 2.

After 172 episodes, we've outgrown podcasting. It's time to turn this podcast into a movie. I'm sure you're thinking, "Hasn't that been the premise, for, like, half a dozen episodes?" The answer, surprisingly, is TECHNICALLY no. So there.

Are you old? If so, this podcast may help you to stay in shape. Are you young? Then I hate you.

We have grown tired of managing our vast collection of merchandise, and have decided to boil it all down into one single, irresistible ur-product. This will, at the same time, sell more units and allow us to fire our entire staff. It's win-win, as long as you don't count all the losers.

In 1981, whatever the Canadian version of the CIA is, scoured their northern wastes for the nation's horniest teens. They then had them write and animate an entire feature film. Fully forty years later, whatever the American version of the Canadian CIA is, gave copies of this movie to four brothers so they could make jokes about it on their podcast. This is that podcast.

Who was the 30th president of the United States? What's the capital of Idaho? Where does your daughter go to school? Obviously you don't know the answers to any of these questions, and yet you definitely know that nothing freshens your breath like the power of Big Red. That's because our world's greatest scientists aren't working on global warming or curing cancer; they're creating jingles that ar...

Boo! Did I scare you? No? Good, because that's not the kind of fear we're talking about here. This episode is more about the kind of fear that prevents you from doing basic things.

Hypothetically, it's not a crime to open someone else's mail if they don't care that you did, right? What about if they don't know that you did? That's basically the same thing, right? The defense rests, your honor.

What if a cruise, but booze? The answer is yes. Who among us doesn't want to be trapped aboard a floating cauldron of disease for an entire week with 700 annoying strangers? It's a siren's call few have the fortitude to resist.

As of this writing, there are 397 different streaming platforms, each one of them ravenous for content. There is no standard for quality, because there are no ratings anymore. It doesn't matter who watches it, as long as it's there. They just want episodes of stuff. Entertainment ballast, basically. We are here to create that ballast. That'll be one billion dollars, Hulu. Make the check payable to...

There has been... A MURDER!!!! Somewhere, probably. I mean, statistically, someone somewhere just got murdered. But definitely not here on this train. This is a murder-free zone, yessireebob. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend with a bunch of charismatic strangers with mysterious pasts.

We've listened to the people, and the people have demanded MORE pitches of silly things. We're just inundated with mail clamoring for it: "Please, FLAPmen, pitch more silly things to invest in! There's nothing better I can do with my time! I'm sick of my spouse and my children are failures before they're even grown. For the love of god, the only thing I have to live for is these pitches, so please...

Looking to learn some self-defense? Sure, you could take karate, if you want to beat up some ten-year-olds. But why not try the only FLAP-approved martial art in the world, Son-Batt-Ling? Wait, what am I saying? Go take karate and beat up ten-year-olds!

Art doesn't have to just be pretty pictures. But it should probably be SOMETHING, right? Something that involved some effort or skill? I mean, people can be made to think or feel about anything. Getting humans to do that is not exactly an accomplishment. So maybe your "masterwork" should be more than just a pile of diapers that you don't want to bother getting rid of. I haven't swept my living roo...

The secret to do-it-yourself jobs? There is none. There is no skill or knowledge required at all. Just go to the store, buy any random tools you find, then go home and start sawing shit in half. Logic dictates that you will eventually saw whatever the problem was in half, thereby solving it. You're welcome.

Who knows what wonders the future holds? Well, in this case, we all know, because the future we're discussing is actually the present. We're talking about the future, which is the present, as we viewed it in the past. A pretty straightforward episode, honestly.

Okay, hear me out: I know that traditionally, podcasts are used to discuss lazy grifts, assemble the covers of non-existent books, and determine the most delicious fast food meals. You can't throw a rock without hitting a podcast that does at least one of those things, if not all three at the same time. But what if, and believe me, THIS IS HYPOTHETICAL, but what if we discussed a movie... ON A POD...

Name something better than getting paid not to work. You can't. End blurb.

With books, all that really matters is the hard outer shell. The inside of a book is like the pit, right? You just throw that crap away. It's all about the cover. In that sense, we write three bestsellers in 30 minutes in this episode. Writer's block, my ass. Authors are really full of shit.

Okay, hear me out: What if food, but fast? I know, it sounds crazy, but it turns out that the only thing that humans actually care about is how quickly the hunger feeling goes away, not the quality of materials with which this feeling is dispatched. Exhibit A: The fact that Little Caesars even exists. I rest my case. Anyway, we draft fast food meals to make some kind of delicious, artery-clogging...

On January 27, 2020, almost exactly a year to the day, Ben's episode about truckers was released. That kicked off a year-long delve into romanticized professions, all culminating in the official tournament to determine which is the most romanticized. Or the most professional? The most something, for sure. Either way, a winner will finally be determined, and Ben will have to go back to sweating for...

In which we write a new James Bond movie. You're welcome, Albert Kohlrabi. The only hard thing about this episode is choosing which Bond movie pun to use for the title. Live and Let FLAP? The Spy Who FLAPped Me? GoldFLAPper? License to FLAP? There's too many! We might have to use this topic again just so we don't let these amazing episode titles go to waste. I mean, Tomorrow Never FLAPs? Come on!

Dentists are so cool, Weird Al wrote a parody song about them. Surely an icon of coolness like Mr. Yankovic wouldn't write a song about a NON-cool profession, right?