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Once again, we put on our nerd hats and continue the adventures of Shaq, QuestWhore, and Hammer. Sorry, our nerdIER hats. Fine, our WAY nerdier hats. Okay, okay, our way nerdier CAPES.

If you don't want next summer's movie blockbuster season spoiled for you, TURN THIS PODCAST OFF RIGHT NOW. Today we're sifting through a veritable goldmine of movie pitches, each more scintillating than the last. The ones we choose to produce will take movie theaters by storm (because they will all be out of business, so we'll sneak in and watch them ourselves).

But wait a minute, you're probably saying to yourself, didn't you guys already do an entire episode about sidekicks? Wrong, loyal listener. We've already done TWO episodes about sidekicks. Well, technically one of them was about henchmen, but it's close enough. And either way, surely you can agree that we haven't plumbed those depths nearly enough. If there's one thing those depths could use some...

The 1980s is a decade that keeps on giving. Only one of the previous things we've watched and reviewed has come from outside that decade, and that was from 1979. It turns out that the formula for a successful podcast episode is to find something from the 80s that was made by people who either were incompetent or didn't care, and then make fun of it.

Most professions demand a certain level of expertise, but there are a few out there that are made and broken simply by the hat. Chief among these is the Cowboy. Without the hat, he'd be nothing. With the hat, even the lowliest of nerds can be made into a manly beef wrangler.

In these troubling and turbulent times, this country needs an -amania like it never has before. Hulkamania got us through the 80s, and is probably equally as responsible as Rocky IV for ending the Cold War. But it's a new time, and we face new threats, so we need a new -amania to look to for guidance. We humbly present three options. Blindly cling to one of your choosing.

Welcome to... WHEEL! OF! FLAPTION! Okay, between this and the title, I've already mixed like three different game show references in. I think you get it, already. It's a game show episode. I ask them random questions, and they try vainly to figure out what I've arbitrarily decided the answers are.

The term "wedding" means something very, very specific where we're from. We'd like to take a moment to explain what that is. If to you weddings don't involve dancing in animal feeding receptacles, you may be in for a surprise.

The long arm of the law and/or Illuminati can descend upon any one of us at any time, so it's good to have an escape plan. Naturally, everyone's escape plan is to get to the apparently lawless paradise of Mexico. Maybe we're giving too much away here, but we've decided to let the public in on our plans. At any rate, you'll find out why Matt has made sure to live in coastal cities.

Hey everyone, look what we've brought home for you: A whole bunch of new gods to worship! Aren't they adorable? Of course we got them from a shelter, it's the responsible thing to do. God mills are just plain unethical. It was a god kill shelter, though, so if we hadn't prostrated ourselves before them, they would have been put to sleep.

Check your calendars, bracket fans: It's that time again! It's time for the brackets to all come out and do battle with each other, so we can once again determine which is the best bracket! My money's on Double Elimination, but don't overlook the Winners' Bracket/Consolation Bracket duo. They can be a handful.

Do you remember an incredibly specific and forgettable drawing from thirty years ago? It doesn't matter, because we're using that drawing's existence to justify declaring ourselves the ultimate arbiters of coolness. You'd better hope we determine that flood pants are cool, because otherwise you've got some returns to make.

It is said that there can be too much of a good thing. Certainly, there can be too much of a bad thing. Conspiracy theories must lie somewhere in between, because we're serving up another heapin' helpin' of the psychological exhaust of the paranoid mind. Served with salisbury steak. White or chocolate milk. Side of fruit cup.

We have yet another user-submitted topic this week, and it's a good one: In the event of the apocalypse, how would we choose to restart civilization? Incidentally, the one brother who is completely reliant on user-submitted topics is currently out of them, so if you happen to have any spare topics lying around, he would be eternally grateful.

The nicknames of sports teams are wide-ranging, to be sure. Look no further than Australia for proof of that. But after spending an inordinate amount of time laughing at incredibly silly real ones, we decided to create incredibly silly fake ones, too. Go Common Spoonbills! Beat the Christmas Island Pipistrelles!

Okay, imagine the World's Fair, but stuffed down into a single county. You'd get cows, rigged games of chance and a demolition derby, right? That's what happens when I do it, at least. Maybe my math is wrong...

Alternate title: "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Curses* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)". People get incredibly deep-cut Woody Allen references, right? If not, this description is cursed.

Groups are great, right? I'm not sure it's a formula that can be improved upon. I mean, unless maybe you took the best individual parts from several successful groups, and brought them together to form some kind of, I don't know, supergroup. If you did that, surely the world would be brought to its knees. Well, by the end of this podcast, earth better have invested in some kneepads.

It's time we started thinking about our legacy. I mean, we're not getting any younger. I know we don't look a day over 50 episodes, but this is episode 109. We've got to start getting our affairs in order. And as long as we're already doing that, we might as well do it in the most ridiculous way possible. ALSO, Matt's audio crapped out halfway through, but WE HAD A BACKUP!! We're learning! It only...

Who among us hasn't committed a litany of petty offenses for no discernible reason? Besides us rule-following nerds, I mean. For the rest of you, your adolescence was likely chockablock with illegalities of every stripe. These are the tales of those illegalities. And remember, they're all victimless crimes.

Note: Matt's audio is a little screwed up in this episode. He has been flogged accordingly, and we have taken preventative measures. His track was probably haunted by some sort of ghost, or something. I don't know. It doesn't really make any sense, but this episode is about ghosts, so I was just trying to connect things.

If you've ever said a prayer, ate a vitamin, or flexed your oiled-up 24-inch pythons in front of masses of screaming fans, you owe a debt of gratitude to one Hulk Hogan. You can begin paying that debt back to him by watching his cartoon, Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n Wrestling. And trust me, watching it will feel like you're paying off a debt.

Being a good salesman requires detailed market knowledge combined with a sophisticated understanding of social dynamics. Or you can just tell a kid to sell it to their relatives, and you'll probably be just as successful, honestly. Plus, you only have to pay them in cheap plastic crap you found in a burned-out warehouse in Teaneck, NJ. That, plus granting annual entry into the holy Money Machine t...

Julius Sumner Miller said that there is no such thing as a failed experiment. That's my proof that this episode can't possibly be considered a failure. I cited a quotation! Although, to be fair, he's just some random TV science host. It's not like Einstein said it, or anything. Damn it, I should have just said that Einstein said it.

This week's episode is a slice of life; a day in the life of a typical henchman. Who are these people? What is their daily routine? Why did they answer that Craigslist ad?