On Attachment

Preorder my book, The Secure Self How do you know if your needs are reasonable and healthy, or if they're rooted in the anxious attachment patterns you're wanting to shift? This question, which is a really common struggle, is what we're unpacking in today's episode. I share some thoughts on why the answer is actually less clear-cut than the question implies, why our anxious pattern...

Preorder my book, The Secure Self If you have avoidant attachment patterns (or are partnered with someone who does), today's episode offers five truths about your patterns, blind spots, and protective mechanisms that, while perhaps hard to hear, are essential learning if you ultimately want to shift towards healthier relationships. I talk about: How the myth of the perfect partner keeps you st...

Preorder my book, The Secure Self How do you stop your mind from thinking of your ex, even when the relationship is long over? In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is struggling with ongoing thoughts of their ex, a year on from the break-up. We'll talk about why it's normal for your brain to drift towards those thoughts, why it's so important that we don'...

Pre-order my book, The Secure Self Being on the receiving end of someone's inconsistent behaviour and mixed messages is a familiar experience for many people with anxious attachment patterns. And yet, the ways we habitually respond — by trying to solve the puzzle, gather information, and do whatever we can to not make things worse — often serve to entrench us in unhealthy and imbalanced relati...

Pre-order my book, The Secure Self on Amazon In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who recently stepped away from a long-term, long-distance relationship, over concerns that she and her partner were wanting different things. Despite having been the one to end things, she is grappling with the loss and having second thoughts about whether stepping away was the right choice. I...

Pre-order my book, The Secure Self In today's episode, we're talking about self-abandonment and what it really takes to shift away from these well-worn patterns into a more secure version of ourselves that is grounded in self-worth. We discuss why self-abandonment feels so natural to many of us with anxious attachment patterns, the importance of self-compassion, building nervous system cap...

In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is feeling a lot of shame and self-blame for their role in the breakdown of a relationship, which they've come to recognise after working on themselves post-break-up. I share some thoughts on why shame and blame can be so tempting, but also how it blocks us from truly learning the lessons of our break-up and changing our...

So many people will know the frustration of wanting to work on your relationship and being met with resistance, shutdown, or disengagement from a partner. When your sincere attempts at getting through and finding a path forward aren't landing, it's easy to feel hopeless—and confused as to what it means for your future. In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on this predicame...

In today's episode, we're talking about retroactive jealousy — being an excessive preoccupation with a partner's romantic and/or sexual history, and feelings of intense insecurity and comparison as a result. This is a really common experience (one I used to struggle with myself!), particularly among those with anxious attachment patterns who already experience a hypervigilance to perce...

This week's Ask Steph question comes from a 77 year old listener who recently reconnected with a man she loved 45 years ago, following the passing of her husband of 40 years. He was the one who got away, and their reunion felt like everything she'd hoped for... until he suddenly started pulling back without explanation. In offering my advice, I share some thoughts on why a first relationsh...

In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the listener question of "How do I navigate being triggered by my partner's moodiness and irritability?" This is such a common pain point for folks with anxious attachment patterns. I share some context as to why moodiness is so activating for the anxious nervous system, as well as my advice on how to best respond in the moment when your partner is being...

Choosing who you're going to commit to is a life-altering decision — so it's little wonder so many of us feel the weight of that pressure, and experience doubt around whether we're making the "right" decision. And while no one but you can ultimately make that call, in today's episode I'm sharing some guidance on the qualities and attributes that I find essential to ma...

Learning to repair after conflict or ruptures is one of the most valuable relationship skills you'll ever have. But for many of us, meaningful repair isn't something we ever really learned or had modelled. In this episode, we talk about three key components of repair, and how they can help us to transform conflict into deeper understanding, connection, and intimacy. Links Free training on...

In today's episode, we're talking about why you struggle to "get over" your ex. This is something so many people struggle with when it comes to break-ups — feeling like the person who left us still occupies so much of our mental and emotional energy, and not knowing how to untether ourselves from them (or perhaps not fully wanting to). I'll share some thoughts on managing exp...

Join the Secure Self Challenge here Today's episode is part 3 of my Attachment & Conflict series, and we're talking all about how to transform the way you do conflict. I'll be sharing general tips and mindset shifts for how to approach conflict, as well as specific guidance for both anxious and avoidant partners on what to do (and not to do) to avoid getting pulled into those all-t...

Register for the Secure Self Challenge here In today's episode, we're talking once again about how attachment patterns shape our experience of conflict in relationships, with a particular focus on avoidant attachment. We talk about why avoidant folks instinctively pull back from conflict, as well as often-used conflict strategies including appeasement, defensiveness, dismissal, and disenga...

Access the replay for the Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshop In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of: "How do I talk to my partner about their avoidant attachment without them feeling labelled?" I share some thoughts on how best to approach this, and what isn't likely to land well.

Last chance to register for the free Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshop Today's episode is the fourth and final instalment of my deep dive series into fearful avoidant attachment, and this episode is one for the partners (with a focus on anxiously attached partners). I share guidance around how to be mindful of your own tendency to overfunction, and how this can lead you into codepe...

When you've had a string of heartbreaks, disappointments, and bad dating experiences, remaining hopeful can be a big ask of your system. In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why forcing yourself to feel hopeful might not be the thing you need, and why it might be best to give yourself the time to grieve, reflect, and grow before forcing yourself back into the dati...

Subscribe to my Substack For many of us who struggle with letting go (and tend towards relationship-fixing at all costs), walking away can feel like a measure of absolute last resort — like almost nothing would justify the immense and all-consuming pain of having to let go of someone you love. And when you layer in self-doubt and a deep fear of regret, it can feel next to impossible. Sadly, it’s n...

Register for my upcoming live workshop here In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of "How long to keep pursuing a connection with someone who's great and ticks all my boxes — except that I'm not physically attracted to them?" I share some thoughts on why this can happen — particularly if your attraction template has historically gravitated towards incon...

Register for my upcoming free workshop on Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviours In this new series on attachment and conflict, we're exploring the deeper layers that make relational conflict so challenging, and how we can shift those patterns. This first instalment is all about the anxious attachment experience of conflict: how we can swing between conflict-avoidance and conflict-pursuit, and...

If you've been "doing the work" for a while now, it's likely you have a firm grip on why you are the way you are. But many of us find ourselves stuck at the "knowledge and awareness" stage, struggling to put our insights into practice in a way that translates into lasting change. In this episode, I'm sharing thoughts on how to bridge that gap so that you don't f...

This week's episode is the much-requested Part 3 of my deep dive on fearful avoidant attachment — and today, we're talking about what it takes to heal. We cover shame, self-compassion, accountability, self-sabotage, nervous system regulation, and more. And while far from being exhaustive, my hope is that today's episode will offer a roadmap to support you on your path to healing if you struggle wi...

Subscribe to my Substack, Notes to Self I've recently launched on Substack, and today's episode is a read-out of a recent article I wrote there titled The One Thing You Should Never Do in Relationships. If you enjoy this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could head on over to Substack and subscribe to my page there for more long-form articles about attachment, love and relationships:...