Why Does My Partner

Can remorse be empowering? Spoilers for today’s question, which comes from a listener who finds themselves doing the comforting, when it’s their partner who was doing the apologizing. What’s up with that? Realizing that you’ve hurt someone can bring up feelings of shame and guilt, especially when it’s someone you love. But letting that shame take over can take the focus off doing the repair w...

It’s a fun one today on the WDMP podcast as we answer a question that’s sounds at first like it’s about hobbies and taking time for things we enjoy, but really gets down to how we distribute resources in our relationship. We discuss how conflicts over fairness can come up when one or both people in a couple are feeling depleted, anxious, or envious, and how to get out of that trap. We’re talking s...

Welcome back to the WDMP Podcast. Instead of a regular question, today we're answering a listener's request to talk about the dynamics between interracial couples and the conflicts that arise from their cultural differences. We take it as an opportunity to slow down and acknowledge that there's so much that comes with this big, heavy topic. There's the weight of inherited hurt and oppression, the...

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast! Here in our second episode of season 4, a listener brings us his concerns about his wife’s friendship with a lesbian coworker. We get into topics like feeling dismissed, building trust, and navigating bumpy conversations with your partner where there are lots of tender feelings on both sides. We discuss how healthy boundary-setting isn’t about controlling your par...

We’re back with season four and starting off with the big ones. Today’s question gets Jules, Vickey, and Rebecca asking, “what the heck does ‘relational’ even mean?” It’s a word we use all the time here on the WDMP podcast, so could it really be that you and your partner could have totally different ideas of what it means to be relational? And if that’s true, how do we turn that discovery into an...

Happy Valentine's Day! Are you ready for more Why Does My Partner? More is coming soon. Season 4 drops next week. We had to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. Our hope is that at least some of you out there will make this a lover's day with yourself. Your relationship between you and you is a huge foundation for any other love relationship that you have. So even if it's only 5 minutes, send yoursel...

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast and to the third episode in our Mini-Series on Choosing, Being Chosen and Belonging . This episode covers the topic of sexual intimacy in relationship, if that affects how, when, or if you choose to listen we want you to know that ahead of time. In this episode we're answering the question "Why Doesn't My Partner Want to Make Love to Me?" We're discussing rejection...

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast and to the second episode in our Mini-Series on Choosing, Being Chosen and Belonging . In this episode we're answering the question "Why Does My Partner Look Outside for Things to Make Them Feel Good About Themself?" In answering this question we're discussing self-worth and how self-worth is buoyed up if you have an inner sense that you're not-enough. We explore t...

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast and to the first episode in our Mini-Series on Choosing, Being Chosen and Belonging . In this episode we're answering the question "Why Does My Partner Prefer to Keep the Status Quo of Distance in our Relationship?" We're talking about vulnerability, safety, and taking emotional risks without guarantee of outcome. We discuss how vulnerability is embedded in listeni...

Does your partner ever give off an energy, even without saying anything, that rubs off on you? Maybe it makes you feel like they’re mad at you, or you simply adopt the mood that they’re in. In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss the concept of “emotional contagion” and why we are affected by the unspoken moods of others, and how to navigate and communicate about this issue in your rela...

In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca answer a listener who asks the following question: “Recently, when my partner and I have been having conflict, I try to come from a place of curiosity, talking to them and saying things that I've noticed and then asking why that might be. They tell me they feel I'm trying to be their therapist. I can understand why they could see it that way, but it's not...

In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca answer listener question: “Why does my partner set me up to react when he makes controversial statements that are hurtful or mis-representational and expects that I don't react? And then when I react, he tells me that I'm being angry and that I'm wrong. And I always create a fuss about everything when I feel that if he had not said what he said, there wou...

Does it seem like your partner gets defensive and/or hurt most times when you disagree? Have you ever wondered what could be behind that feeling for them and how to create a space where you are still connected and feel safe even in moments of disagreement? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss what could be happening internally with your partner, ways to examine your own words and int...

Have you or your partner ever wondered how about opening your relationship? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca cover not only some of the many reasons partners might explore non-monogamy, how to communicate in a connected way about it, how to explore it carefully—and how to express if it doesn’t feel right for you. They share their experiences in working with a variety of partners in open...

How can you connect while communicating to your partner when they say things that they know (or may not know) will hurt you? Are they trying to be mean and malicious? Are they just trying to get your attention? How do you request that they stop doing it without escalating the interaction? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca analyze possible reasons why your partner might be doing this and h...

Does your partner ever act like their mother or father? (Hint: we all do it sometimes.) In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca dive deep into this question and discover some truths that will make us rethink about not only why our partner does this, but how to interact with them when they do—and most importantly—how to use it as a chance to see your partner with more compassion and enhance conn...

Does your partner ever make assumptions about you that are more aligned with their mother or father than they are with you? Or do they react to you sometimes the way they would to their parent? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca tackle the topic of mimicking and modeling what a person grew up with and how extensive that mimicking can affect them on all levels—especially in romantic relatio...

When we do something “for our partner”...why are we doing it? Are we really doing it for them, or are we doing it for ourselves? Do you end up blaming your partner and calling them “ungrateful”, etc? Or do you sink into a shame pit and believe you’re not doing enough for them to be appreciated? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca pull back the curtain and reveal some of the real reasons why...

Feeling worthless is always an awful experience no matter where the feeling originated, and it’s never okay to try to make someone else feel worthless. But are your partner’s actions causing you to feel this way? Are they abusive, or could there be other factors at play? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca get deep into some neuroscience to explain how our brains and bodies process emotions...

Why does my partner say they are focusing on "their stuff" but it doesn't seem like they are from the outside? Why do they point the finger back at us and tell us to just focus on our own “stuff”? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca talk about several different reasons why you’re not seeing your partner’s internal work, how different people go about doing their internal work, and how to use...

We all want to avoid grief, but how do you handle it when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations? Do you silently resent them? Do you take the chance of making a request? Or do you grieve and accept that you’re not going to get what you wanted? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss how to look inward to identify the possible sources of our expectations in relationships as well as...

What is it that sucks us into the ex-partner dynamic? Is it a need to be “right”? A fear of being vulnerable? Or repeating old patterns from your childhood because that’s where you are most comfortable? In this episode, Jules, Vickey, and Rebecca answer the questions: “Why does my partner keep fighting with their ex? Why is this difficult dynamic such a draw for my partner?” and “How can I help my...

After money, sex, kids, time and cleaning, in-laws are another topic couples most commonly fight about. “Why do you talk to your mother more than you talk to me? Your mom is in the middle of our relationship.” What could be behind this conflict? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss the several reasons why these issues occur; cultural differences, different families’ expectations of w...

“Why doesn't my partner validate what I'm feeling when I'm upset?”  The short answer is, because it’s really hard to do. Oftentimes in the moment, one or both of us is too upset to make a responsive choice rather than a reactionary one.  But of course there’s more to it than that.  The key is in the ask itself.  Is it a question of what is true? Or is it about being heard and u...

This week, a listener asks, “Why does my partner hate every way that I am different from them?”  Difference is what makes us human, and how we respond to difference is such an integral part of the human experience.  We experience it in our most intimate relationships–with our partners or between siblings, for example.  But it’s also at the forefront of our political climate and poli...