Why Am I Here, and He Is Not? A Father’s Journey to Make Sense of Loss, Love, and Hope

In the journal entries that Larry reads in this episode, his great loss and sadness is evident along with immense love and the hope that he and his family can keep moving forward with Alex forever in their hearts and soul.  He reaches out to Alex to help them do just that.   Larry reflects the challenge of celebrating his milestone birthday with a huge hole in life and then, just a few weeks later...

Memories of good times and of specific events are now the way Larry connects with his son.  Thoughts of Alex, his childhood in the neighborhood, and his many sports accomplishments are now viewed with a bittersweet perspective.  Memories-the good ones and the bad ones-are triggered by many everyday sights and sounds. Larry explains, in another letter to his son, about how he reflects on his son’s...

In this episode, Larry reflects on the new stresses in his life since Alex died and on the intensity of his memory flashbacks.  Through a letter addressed to his son and the journal entries he reads, his sorrow, anger, resolve, and love for his granddaughter are evident in his voice. He also recounts his memories of Canada Day in the past and now in the reality of today,   That was a day that was...

As Larry’s journey continued, he faced doubt, guilt, and deep sadness.  He writes about going through the “what if…..” exercise, knowing that it is not there that he will find any answers. He does strive to honour his son by giving some of his stuff, like some of his many hats, to friends and family so that they have something that was important to him.  

As the new reality of his life starts to emerge everywhere in the early days and weeks of the journey, Larry reflects on some of those changes and how he is coping.  His granddaughter’s first birthday came just weeks after her Daddy died and Larry writes about trying to come to terms with Joy and sadness happening at the same time at her birthday celebration.

In this, the first of several episodes, Larry shares the story of the death of his son, the heart-wrenching eulogy at his funeral, and the emotions of the early days and weeks after this devastating event.  The heartbreak, confusion, and profound sense of loss can be felt as he reads from the journal he began writing to chronicle his family’s Journey of Grief.